Any advice!!

[hannahelizabeth93]

Hi, so I guess I am in quite a predicament and I don't have any idea how I should handle it in the best Christian way possible...

I have one beautiful daughter who is 18 months old. I adore her so much and am so beyond thankful to God for her. Her father and I were married for a year then divorced because he was abusive toward me physically and very emotionally controlling. He even went so far to say "what if I were to kill our daughter?" After that I separated from him and took my daughter with me. A few months went by and he said that he was getting help from a Christian therapist and was doing better. I agreed to then let him started spending time with our daughter as long as he was at his parents house where he wouldn't be alone with her. A few months went by and we seemed to be doing okay so then as we were approaching the court date for our divorce I made a HUGE mistake of filing for joint custody. After the divorce the time during our exchanges of our daughter started to become really nasty real fast. He started to question where I was living because I left my parents house. Wanting to know an address and desperately asking me to let him see the place where our daughter is living. And normally I understand the concern of our child's well being but he is so controlling and on such a power trip that I do not believe his concern is for our daughter... but his own need to constantly control me. Things became worse and worse and the abuse just continued during the exchanges (happening right in front of our daughter). The only issue is he knew the fine line of where he could get away with harassing me without physically harming me or making any direct threats). It led to us having to go through exchanges at the police station then to me getting a restraining order against him for two months. The restraining order was just lifted a week ago. In the two months that he was not allowed to contact me, I was hoping he would have taken the hint to leave me alone and stop harassing me. Then of course he started to harass me again right outside the courtroom! And just today he stood right outside my car waiting for me to give him my address of where I was living! I am so sick and tired of being controlled and having to meet at the police station to exchange our daughter. I literally am disgusted by this person by the abuse that I have experienced from him. And because I have done a terrible job documenting the patterns of abuse and calling the police when needed and the fact that we have joint custody... no one, not the police, my attourney, or the judge is taking me seriously! This is causing me so much fear and sickness I feel like I am still stuck in this abusive controlling relationship. He is my daughter's father so I just want to be able to get along...but the only way for that to happen is to give him the control he desires and I'm not willing to do that. And taking it to court is apparently not going to work. I need help, from anyone! Please, how should I handle this? I am living in constant fear and suffering from panic attacks every day from this. Should I consider counseling with her farther? What should I do? If you could please pray for us I would greatly appreciate it! Thank you! God bless you

 

[reba]

Start today keeping a record of everything... Do not give in to his demands ...We can not undo what has been done... we can only go forward... One step at atime.. Pray for this man ...

 

[WIP]

First, welcome to the forums hannahelizabeth93.

I must share that I realize we only know your side of this and I don’t want to frighten you but your story scared the bejeebers out of me! I fear for you and your child. I am no expert and I don't claim to offer expert advice or opinion. I strongly encourage you to seek expert advice. With that said, I will offer some of my thoughts and reactions for what it's worth.

He even went so far to say "what if I were to kill our daughter?"

Was this brought up in court? If so, is he restricted from being alone with your child and maybe even you? It seems he should be. Notice I didn’t say he should be banned from seeing his child just should not be alone with her.

I made a HUGE mistake of filing for joint custody. After the divorce the time during our exchanges of our daughter started to become really nasty real fast. He started to question where I was living because I left my parents house. Wanting to know an address and desperately asking me to let him see the place where our daughter is living.

It’s been many years so my memory is a little vague but my ex-wife and I shared joint custody. I do not recall that arrangement giving either parent the right to determine how the other parent raises or houses the child. What it did for us was to allow us the freedom to work out our own visitation outside the court of law. It seems to me there is legitimate concern for your own safety as well as the safety of your child and therefore allowing him to know where you are is potentially dangerous.

It led to us having to go through exchanges at the police station then to me getting a restraining order against him for two months. The restraining order was just lifted a week ago. In the two months that he was not allowed to contact me, I was hoping he would have taken the hint to leave me alone and stop harassing me.

Do not be naïve and live in la-la land. He needs help beyond any restraining order or jail time or anything else to get a grip on his anger and control issues and it won’t happen in two weeks, months, or probably even years. This is painfully evident by his behavior after the order was lifted.

Don’t allow the fact that you have a child together soften your defenses. That is not to say you need to be mean or callused toward him but don’t let down your guard for even a second. Like you already noted, “He knew the fine line of where he could get away with harassing me.”

And because I have done a terrible job documenting the patterns of abuse and calling the police when needed and the fact that we have joint custody... no one, not the police, my attourney, or the judge is taking me seriously!

This needs to change and NOW!!! You need to be very vocal, not to him (don’t want to provoke him) but to the authorities and others every time he does something out of line that makes you feel even the least bit threatened. Personally, I would never, never, never allow yourself to be with him alone for any reason whatsoever. Always have someone with you when you meet for any reason. This is not only for your own good and the good of your child but for his good also. He needs to heal and get his life in order BEFORE he goes too far. Well, technically, he already has based on what you’ve shared. I’m guessing things have been even worse at times.

He is my daughter's father so I just want to be able to get along...but the only way for that to happen is to give him the control he desires and I'm not willing to do that.

This is not true. Giving him control is not going to solve anything! Let me repeat, giving him control is not going to solve anything! I’m willing to bet it will feed his anger and the more control he gets the more control he’ll demand. His healing will only come when he deals with his own issues. He needs to change and that change will NOT be demonstrated by what comes out of his mouth. It will only become evident by his behavior and character and that will take time for you to recognize. Not just a day or two or a week or two but more likely years.

I would like to suggest a book to read. My hope would be that it would open your eyes and help you be more aware of the potential dangers you could face. I hope and pray I’m wrong but I believe it is better to err on the side of caution than leave yourself vulnerable.

This is a true story about a woman that went through an ordeal right here in our rural community. The title of the book is Stolen Years by Darrel Day. This is the story of Connie {Sarff} Nelson, a woman from Minnesota that was abducted and violently abused by her estranged husband, James Sarff. I’m not a book reader but this one I could not put down. I personally have had issues of my own, although fortunately not to the degree of Jim Sarff. Thankfully, God has been working on me and helping me to become a new person.

edit: added a link to the book.

 

[iLOVE]

My Sister In Christ,

Our Lord Jesus Christ changed water into wine. This means that He is able to change any situation around. Remove yourself and let the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords take over! The scripture says, but seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added.

This means that you must 100% exclusively put your faith and trust in Christ and the Cross, i.e., finished works. The Holy Spirit works within the parameters of Christ’s finished work and within the hearts and lives of believers. The Holy Spirit will not work outside of those parameters. (1 Cor. 1:18)

How do you do this?
"...that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Romans 12:1-2 NKJV

How do I become transformed by the renewing of my mind?
So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. Romans 10:17 NKJV

The Way Of The Spirit
Focus: The Lord Jesus Christ (John 14:6)
Object Of Faith: The Cross of Christ (Romans 6:1-14)
Power Source: The Holy Spirit (Romans 8:1-2, 11)
Results: Victory (Romans 6:14)

Man's Way
Focus: Works.
Object Of Faith: Performance.
Power Source: Self.
Results: Defeat!

I have prayed for you!

 

[hannahelizabeth93]

First, welcome to the forums hannahelizabeth93.

I must share that I realize we only know your side of this and I don’t want to frighten you but your story scared the bejeebers out of me! I fear for you and your child. I am no expert and I don't claim to offer expert advice or opinion. I strongly encourage you to seek expert advice. With that said, I will offer some of my thoughts and reactions for what it's worth.


Was this brought up in court? If so, is he restricted from being alone with your child and maybe even you? It seems he should be. Notice I didn’t say he should be banned from seeing his child just should not be alone with her.


It’s been many years so my memory is a little vague but my ex-wife and I shared joint custody. I do not recall that arrangement giving either parent the right to determine how the other parent raises or houses the child. What it did for us was to allow us the freedom to work out our own visitation outside the court of law. It seems to me there is legitimate concern for your own safety as well as the safety of your child and therefore allowing him to know where you are is potentially dangerous.


Do not be naïve and live in la-la land. He needs help beyond any restraining order or jail time or anything else to get a grip on his anger and control issues and it won’t happen in two weeks, months, or probably even years. This is painfully evident by his behavior after the order was lifted.

Don’t allow the fact that you have a child together soften your defenses. That is not to say you need to be mean or callused toward him but don’t let down your guard for even a second. Like you already noted, “He knew the fine line of where he could get away with harassing me.”


This needs to change and NOW!!! You need to be very vocal, not to him (don’t want to provoke him) but to the authorities and others every time he does something out of line that makes you feel even the least bit threatened. Personally, I would never, never, never allow yourself to be with him alone for any reason whatsoever. Always have someone with you when you meet for any reason. This is not only for your own good and the good of your child but for his good also. He needs to heal and get his life in order BEFORE he goes too far. Well, technically, he already has based on what you’ve shared. I’m guessing things have been even worse at times.


This is not true. Giving him control is not going to solve anything! Let me repeat, giving him control is not going to solve anything! I’m willing to bet it will feed his anger and the more control he gets the more control he’ll demand. His healing will only come when he deals with his own issues. He needs to change and that change will NOT be demonstrated by what comes out of his mouth. It will only become evident by his behavior and character and that will take time for you to recognize. Not just a day or two or a week or two but more likely years.

I would like to suggest a book to read. My hope would be that it would open your eyes and help you be more aware of the potential dangers you could face. I hope and pray I’m wrong but I believe it is better to err on the side of caution than leave yourself vulnerable.

This is a true story about a woman that went through an ordeal right here in our rural community. The title of the book is Stolen Years by Darrel Day. This is the story of Connie {Sarff} Nelson, a woman from Minnesota that was abducted and violently abused by her estranged husband, James Sarff. I’m not a book reader but this one I could not put down. I personally have had issues of my own, although fortunately not to the degree of Jim Sarff. Thankfully, God has been working on me and helping me to become a new person.

Thank you so much for your advice and input! I have tried going to the courts with this several times and the problem is that they can't really do much to help because of the fact that the physical and violent threatening abuse took place several years ago and I never went to the police with it because I was still married to him. I have tried everything to protect myself from him and I will continue to try but as of right now, the legal system is not of much help. I have an attourney and we have been down this path and there is not much that the courts will do. Going forward I ask, what is your best approach to resolve this for my daughter's sake? Would you suggest seeking a Christian counselor with him? He sometimes will listen to other adults more than me...

 

[hannahelizabeth93]

Also, how should I be conducting myself around him? Should I be kind? Should I be stand off-ish? What would be the best way to interact with him during our exchanges?

 

[iLOVE]

Pray
1. Lord Jesus, I repent for any sin that I have committed that has wounded my soul. I know your blood atones for every sin in me. So wash me clean, every trespass, every transgression, every iniquity, every rebellion, every sin of unforgiveness, every sin of offense I committed against a person, every sin of offense that a person has sinned against me, and every sin both known and unknown in the name of Jesus. I decree your blood is going back in time to every place that I or my ancestors made a sin. Sin your blood all the way back to the garden and wash away every sin throughout time in my family line. I apply the power of the Cross right now to my soul. I decree I am forgiven in the name of Jesus - Amen.

Pray
2. Lord Jesus, I forgive anyone that has sinned against me no matter what that sin was. I know my breakthrough is going to come when I forgive. I believe You! You will bring me into freedom as I walk through this with you. So I forgive every person that has hurt me, cheated me, abuse me, robbed me, talked about me, criticize me, and abandon me. I forgive anyone that has rejected me, hated me, betrayed me, deceived me, or neglected me. I release the power of the Cross into everyone of these situations, and I repent for any unforgiveness I have held onto. And I ask You, would You cleanse me of it right now by the power of Your Blood in Jesus name - Amen.

 

[Deborah13]

After the divorce the time during our exchanges of our daughter started to become really nasty real fast. He started to question where I was living because I left my parents house. Wanting to know an address and desperately asking me to let him see the place where our daughter is living.

When my ex was getting out of jail a police officer asked me to find another house to live in. He specifically told me to not let the ex in the house so that he would not know the lay out and to have an emergency exist plan. There weren't any cell phones in those days and it was really scary thinking of being alone with the kids and him breaking in.
Please be very careful and don't fall for any deceptive abuser 'I'm a good guy now' lines.

As far as Christian counseling With him, absolutely not! A good counselor knows that this is not the typical marriage counseling. They know not to have the abuser in the same sessions with the victim of their abuse. That would be like putting a child in the same room with their abuser and expecting them to speak freely without fear of repercussions and thinking there wouldn't be repercussions. It's just stupid. Beside that he will just blame you for everything that he has done.
The abuser's psychology is so far from anything Godly it takes someone trained in that particular area to understand what is going on in their mind and what they are capable of, no matter what they are saying. They are very good actors and manipulators, as you probably know. They know how to pull at the heartstrings of those who want to believe them.

Protect yourself and protect your daughter. God will show you how to do that and sometimes our wisdom comes from books like WIP has advised you to read. I read it too on another occasion when WIP had mentioned it.

God Bless

 

[WIP]

Would you suggest seeking a Christian counselor with him?

What would that counseling look like? What would be it's purpose? Counseling only works when all those involved want it to work. You two are divorced and right now in my opinion there's little hope of reconciliation at this time therefore you need to get any thoughts of getting back together out of your head! That does not mean that some day in the future things may be different but right now you need to focus on yourself.

I think there should be counseling for you alone for sure. Sounds like you've only been divorced for a few months and he is still dealing with some strong anger and resentment issues so chances are he is not yet ready for counseling. That's something he'll have to decide on his own. In fact, if you suggest it to him, it could actually be a reason for him to not want to seek counseling because to do so would be an admission that your idea was good or right and that will put a dent in his pride.

In my opinion the goal of counseling for you should first be to get your own life in order so you can get back to the once confident woman and mother you are meant to be. A secondary thing might be to find a way to find common ground in your relationship with your husband enough that you two can work together for the sake of your daughter. You both have responsibility to her but neither of you has control over the other. That sounds like a thorn in his side and he needs to learn to get past that. I wouldn't even be thinking about coming to the point of being friends at this point but only finding a way to be amicable toward each other so you can both focus on being parents to your daughter. Baby steps you know. Through it all, make certain your daughter knows that you love her and be her mother.

I wouldn't refer to my ex-wife as a friend to this day and we were divorced almost 30 years ago but we have grown to where we respect each other as individuals and are able to get along okay when we meet, although that is rare since we live about 350 miles apart.

Also, how should I be conducting myself around him? Should I be kind? Should I be stand off-ish? What would be the best way to interact with him during our exchanges?

My opinion? Don't argue. It will be a waste of time and energy and only fuel the fire. If you have something to say, be as direct and to the point as you can with confidence. So what if he disagrees and he will. Allow him to have his own opinion too. Listen to what he says but don't necessarily react to it and don't let it influence you against your own best judgment.

An anger management counselor once told me, "You cannot control how others will react or feel. Likewise, nobody can make you feel a certain way. We control how we react or feel. We choose to be angry. We choose to be happy. We choose to be sad. Nobody makes us angry, happy, sad, etc." If you really think about it, this is absolutely true.

You need to assert yourself. Express how you feel and what you want to say but don't expect him to accept it any more than you should expect to accept what he says or does. You are both individuals and both adults. When I went through it I tried to look at our relationship similar to a business relationship. In business when two parties disagree they negotiate to try and find common ground.

For example, suppose you had a car for sale. You are asking $5,000.00 for the car. A prospective buyer looks at your car and offers $4,000.00. Do you react in anger, do you turn and walk away, or do you try to find a reasonable solution to your differences by asking the buyer questions about why he feels it isn't worth your asking price or perhaps showing him why you think it is worth more than his offer (i.e., low mileage, good rubber, clean engine, near perfect interior, etc.)?

You can use the same tactic with your ex-husband. When he expresses disagreement (I know it may not be done politely) just respectfully, calmly, and politely ask him questions to understand why and explain why you think your position might not be so bad. This will show him respect as an individual. If you come back at him overly aggressive you will show him a lack of respect so watch your own attitude. If you come back at him with a cowering or weak attitude you open the door for him to grab control of you. This is also why having another person with you as I suggested earlier is so important and I don't think I can over express how important it is that you never meet him alone. It will give you the confidence and support you need and put him on a little more guard which will take some of his attitude away. If you're alone he has more freedom to be a jerk without anyone witnessing.

One more thing. Remember this is not about playing games with each other's emotions and using tactics to get your way. It's about learning how to interact with him so that you can both get done what needs to be done without letting your pent up feelings and hurts get in the way and it will not be easy.

Just my

 

[iLOVE]

The issue here is sin. And only the Cross of Christ deals with sin. As long as the issue of sin is social and not spiritual, it will never be dealt with in any ultimate sense. Every attempt to address this evil leads to the frustration of seeing it pop up somewhere else.

When God allows, or even causes, things to be shaken nationally, locally, or even personally, know this: do not "refuse Him who is speaking." God is talking. In fact, the shakier things get, the louder He is speaking.

"See to it that you do not refuse Him who is speaking." (Hebrews 12:25)

 

[Malachi]

What should I do? If you could please pray for us I would greatly appreciate it! Thank you! God bless you

It would appear that you need to move away from where you are living (if at all possible). The other option is to take some training in self-defence.

 

[hannahelizabeth93]

God bless you all! Thank you so much for your advice. It has truly lifted me up and helped me to receive this input from other fellow Christians. I appreciate all of the time and effort you guys put into your counsel.