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[__ Prayer __] for my parents, again :-)

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Oct 23, 2010
they're -good people- . burned by various sorts of churches and church people...small town Presbyterians, then down home Pentecostals, 'relevant' megachurch...

burned, burned, burned. or maybe disillusioned is a better word? ugh. truth? they both know Scripture -- and all things Calvin -- better than I ever will. and...and...

I dunno. I think mama respects my faith. She even got me a tasteful Cross for my front door. and yet...like - a lot - of people, she's not really big on church or "...my prayers are with you...," or...on and on and on.

dad? I dunno. went to a megachurch for a while. now, he's outta love with that place...the leader is charismatic, has a new church now, dad's lost interest...what does this mean, really? what did it mean to begin with, honestly?

ugh. i just...get to thinking about it, because sometimes, I think they feel horribly guilty. truth? psychobabble aside, you can't give what you don't have. i didn't get that as an angry teenager or really...wow, until recently (sad), but...yeah.

they're now 'well to do,' which is...good! I mean, seriously. mama's job was higher prestige than dad's, but didn't pay as well. perhaps -not surprisingly- , the 'office politics' in her career were...vicious. all around. she retired, and now...3 or so years later, I'd say she's...happy. really, truly, usually happy...and I don't want to 'guilt trip' her and/or my dad into supporting me, etc. and...

dad's down to part time, essentially retired. i think...because he usually enjoys his work and the politics aren't as cut throat, I shrugged off the effect it must have on him, maybe? he's decompressed, considerably. as The Lord has changed me, changed our situation as a family, and also (I think) softened his heart towards me...dad's also taken to talking to me more, about his career, what's going on, etc. I am thankful, of course.

of course...this is also about me. can't support myself. probably HIV+ (?), but remarkably healthy, despite 0 treatment (not on my parents...its just...how evil doctors can be, at times). 36, would ordinarily have gone to prison a couple times over, and..and...

-1- conviction, a serious misdemeanor (as in...-this close- to a a felony, but not quite, by the grace of God). no arrests in 8 years. perhaps not surprisingly, I've also been truly, genuinely saved...

for about 8 years. :)

I dunno. I don't think I'll ever be able to work a j-o-b, certainly not one that will = self-sufficiency. is it..."Schizophrenia" ? i dunno. some people...just cannot make a go of things in the rat race. They've been good to reconcile with me, now they provide (modest, nothing luxurious, but...definitely more than most 'mental patients,' certainly more than I can claim to 'deserve' or anything), and...and...

I really want them to live long and healthy lives. I'd like for them to have real friends. they had some friends, when I was little and they were young and bohemian or whatever...

ugh. upward mobility...comes at a steep price, it seems. oh well. they'll hang out with other people, now and then...nothing ever seems to come of it, which is odd, because...they're good people. maybe it really is all about how much you have, how big your house is, etc.? and now that they have more than a lot of people, but they're not rich...who to hang out with? -ugh-

I do want them to truly know Jesus. I only truly Know Jesus because Jesus had supreme mercy upon me and made Himself known to me, and then went to work in my life, big time. maybe He'll do that for them? I dunno.

ugh. maybe its just extra on my mind, today, because I saw mama and I -again- got the mix of pity and guilt vibe off of her, and...??? I could be misreading. or maybe I need to toughen up. truth? when I was born, they were working class, straight out of grad school. I was...bright and all, but...they were busy and over worked and I was always the odd one out, picked on and labeled, fell in with the wrong crowd and also...into the mental health trap...and...

I dunno. I don't know if they've even forgiven me, or if they ever will, honestly. Apparently, I somehow have a 145-150 IQ, now. I started at 120. I'm healthy, I'm remarkably...normal, for someone who was once an odd mix of weird, precocious, and sickly...

rambling. good people. I can't...earn their forgiveness, I can't even earn my own pay check, and I also do worry about their salvation...

not in the sense that they 'need Jesus' so they can straighten up or anything--their moral compass is better than most church peoples' -- but just...everyone needs Jesus. :)

ugh. rambled, as usual. thanks, as always.
 
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