How Best to Handle This?

[WIP]

Okay, my wife and I are both approaching our mid 60’s. For the last few months or perhaps even couple years, I find myself being accused of not hearing or ignoring things she has allegedly said to me and it causes strife. Here’s an example.

This morning, I was asked to drive to town, about 3 miles away, to drop something off for our daughter at her hair salon and while in town to pick up a couple things we need. Here’s how I remember the chain of events.

I got about 1/2 mile from home and my wife called to add that I pick up a package of Always for her mother who is staying with us for a short time. I told her to text me with the request because I wasn’t quite clear about what she needed. When I got to town, I read her text message and determined what she wanted was Always Discreet underwear for her elderly mother who is staying with us for a short time. There were two other brands available, Depends and Composure, but not the brand she asked for. Past experience has taught me that it is best not to use my judgment in this situation so I sent her a text and told her they did not have the brand she wanted and explained what they did have. She replied to get the Depends Overnight in XL size Unfortunately, they only had the daytime version and did not have the overnight version. It was a 50:50 shot that I would do the right thing, either get the wrong version which would have been rejected or get nothing since they didn't have the right thing.

When I got home and told them that they didn’t have the overnight variety she got hostile and claimed that she told me that her mom needed them and that I should have got the daytime variety anyway. I have absolutely zero recollection of her saying that to me and when I told her that, she claimed she told me this before I left to go to town. The first recollection I have of her even mentioning getting these items was when I got her phone call on my way to town.

This is the kind of thing that happens somewhat regularly in our household. Could she be correct that my memory is failing and becoming that selective? I suppose, but normally if I forget something and then later reminded I am able to recall it. In these situations, I honestly have no recollection whatsoever even after being “reminded.”

Here’s the catch. Due to a back injury that occurred over 10 years ago, she daily takes a lot of medications including narcotic pain killers, anxiety meds, anti-depressants, and others. She has experienced short-term memory loss that our daughters have witnessed for themselves like doing something and moments later not remembering that it was done.

My question is, how do I best handle this? I usually try to defend myself and tell her she did not say this or that but she won’t accept that defense so it becomes her word against mine which rarely goes well. In the end I usually, but not always, just take the blame and let it go.

 

[Tenchi]

My question is, how do I best handle this? I usually try to defend myself and tell her she did not say this or that but she won’t accept that defense so it becomes her word against mine which rarely goes well. In the end I usually, but not always, just take the blame and let it go.

Well, "taking the blame" establishes an unhealthy precedent. Stick to your guns until such time as there is truly good reason to abandon them. Do so with grace and patience but determined resolve. If your wife cannot provide good reason beyond her mere say-so that you were in error, you have no reason to "take the blame." When you collapse in your position for the sake of marital "harmony," you are conceding to what is false, or, at least, in serious doubt, which is, on principle alone, a poor choice to make.

Insist on carefully written instructions if your wife is going to blast you every time you follow your own judgment executing her wishes. If she can't be bothered to give you such instructions, then she'll just have to resign herself to you acting as you see best in fulfilling her requests.

Be like Christ, always. But this does not entail giving in to gas-lighting, or agreeing to things you genuinely believe are untrue.

 

[Hidden In Him]

Here’s the catch. Due to a back injury that occurred over 10 years ago, she daily takes a lot of medications including narcotic pain killers, anxiety meds, anti-depressants, and others. She has experienced short-term memory loss that our daughters have witnessed for themselves like doing something and moments later not remembering that it was done.

My question is, how do I best handle this? I usually try to defend myself and tell her she did not say this or that but she won’t accept that defense so it becomes her word against mine which rarely goes well. In the end I usually, but not always, just take the blame and let it go.

Oucheth, yea verily...

I'd stick with your current approach, but augment it by praying regularly that you make the right choices in such situations, and find the things she wants and the things is asking for, even if she doesn't explain it properly. You may be up against a situation that's impossible, as women can be this way even when they have it together. But all things are possible with God, and He would know the specifics no matter what situation you were facing, so I'd get more in the habit of seeking Him on a constant basis.

To fix the impossible, that is.

 

[Dorothy Mae]

Does your wife known that she suffers some short term memory loss? This is pretty important because if a person is fighting this, what is clearly one of the scariest things we all might face, the loss of the inner man, you are in the line of fire for her frustration. There is likely no one else besides your life partner, who one can yell at when one is afraid of something that neither can ward off. I remember when my dad was losing his hearing and he used to respond to us with a kind of incredulous face saying "huh?" when we said something he actually could not hear. Instead of admitting he was becoming hard of hearing, his face said we had said the most stupid thing he had ever heard.

If this is not the case and it is unclear who is forgetting, written communication with pictures is best. At the time when the 50/50 decision is being made, take a picture of the choices and ask her to make one. Ask her to be on line with her phone when you have to make a choice. This might be good in any case. My husband says I yell at him when he buys the wrong product I requested so he sometimes sends pictures when shopping or I try to write out the exact product. (I don't think I do but I am working on being happy with whatever.) But if her problem is memory loss that is being denied, you will not get away from taking all the blame. The question is how to get her to see this.

My best guess is if one of her children, who love you both of course, be there are correct her on the spot for how she is treating you, what she really said, and gently suggest she consider that she might be starting some short term memory loss and offer to help her both in dealing with that realty and helping lessen the severity by looking into exercises that help. My husband has sometimes denied saying things he had just said and our children were very helpful referees. They pointed out that he indeed just said that. He had no problem denying it to me but found it difficult when his children, both of them, told him calmly without any emotion that he indeed had just uttered it. Helped him in general to see that he says untrue things and 2 minutes later denies it. This has improved.

But the main problems between us were at the core something not material nor medical. We moved into a place that had or sometimes has some kind of spiritual presence that I sensed was a spirit of contention. The family before us moved out because of a divorce, I suspect. And there was unusual conflict of a nature we had not had in over 30 years of marriage. I asked God about it and I felt I was correct in my discernment and got instructions (from Him) as to how to deal with it. This I have to continue to do but we have achieved a great deal of harmony and he stopped being on the attack and then forgetting it. Me too but it too some heavy duty spiritual warfare and still does from time to time. There is a kind of occult activity in this new neighborhood so there are now and again battles. Have had to battle physical attacks on my health as well and evil dreams but we are more than conquerors through Him. So it has become pretty sweet between us but I know the enemy has not given up.

Not sure that helps but it is my 2 Franks. Everything is expensive in Switzerland so 2 cents won't get you anything here. ;)

 

[Edward]

Okay, my wife and I are both approaching our mid 60’s. For the last few months or perhaps even couple years, I find myself being accused of not hearing or ignoring things she has allegedly said to me and it causes strife. Here’s an example.

This morning, I was asked to drive to town, about 3 miles away, to drop something off for our daughter at her hair salon and while in town to pick up a couple things we need. Here’s how I remember the chain of events.

I got about 1/2 mile from home and my wife called to add that I pick up a package of Always for her mother who is staying with us for a short time. I told her to text me with the request because I wasn’t quite clear about what she needed. When I got to town, I read her text message and determined what she wanted was Always Discreet underwear for her elderly mother who is staying with us for a short time. There were two other brands available, Depends and Composure, but not the brand she asked for. Past experience has taught me that it is best not to use my judgment in this situation so I sent her a text and told her they did not have the brand she wanted and explained what they did have. She replied to get the Depends Overnight in XL size Unfortunately, they only had the daytime version and did not have the overnight version. It was a 50:50 shot that I would do the right thing, either get the wrong version which would have been rejected or get nothing since they didn't have the right thing.

When I got home and told them that they didn’t have the overnight variety she got hostile and claimed that she told me that her mom needed them and that I should have got the daytime variety anyway. I have absolutely zero recollection of her saying that to me and when I told her that, she claimed she told me this before I left to go to town. The first recollection I have of her even mentioning getting these items was when I got her phone call on my way to town.

This is the kind of thing that happens somewhat regularly in our household. Could she be correct that my memory is failing and becoming that selective? I suppose, but normally if I forget something and then later reminded I am able to recall it. In these situations, I honestly have no recollection whatsoever even after being “reminded.”

Here’s the catch. Due to a back injury that occurred over 10 years ago, she daily takes a lot of medications including narcotic pain killers, anxiety meds, anti-depressants, and others. She has experienced short-term memory loss that our daughters have witnessed for themselves like doing something and moments later not remembering that it was done.

My question is, how do I best handle this? I usually try to defend myself and tell her she did not say this or that but she won’t accept that defense so it becomes her word against mine which rarely goes well. In the end I usually, but not always, just take the blame and let it go.

I wouldn't have gone home empty handed! That's all they had!

Memory problems? Time to break out some Rosemary tea again. It helps.

 

[WIP]

I wouldn't have gone home empty handed! That's all they had!

Memory problems? Time to break out some Rosemary tea again. It helps.

My reason for starting this thread had nothing to do with whether or not I should have picked up something or nothing. It's about her tendency to claim she says things to me that I have absolutely zero recollection of and then using those claims to engage an argument with me. It has me wondering if I am the one with a memory problem or if she is.

There have been instances, witnessed by our daughters, where she forgot things within minutes or even seconds of doing them. One example that has happened more than once with our daughters present was sitting down to have dinner we would pray a prayer of thanks. When we begin serving the meal she'd say, "Aren't we going to pray?" Of course, our daughters would laugh at that.

 

[Dorothy Mae]

My reason for starting this thread had nothing to do with whether or not I should have picked up something or nothing. It's about her tendency to claim she says things to me that I have absolutely zero recollection of and then using those claims to engage an argument with me. It has me wondering if I am the one with a memory problem or if she is.

There have been instances, witnessed by our daughters, where she forgot things within minutes or even seconds of doing them. One example that has happened more than once with our daughters present was sitting down to have dinner we would pray a prayer of thanks. When we begin serving the meal she'd say, "Aren't we going to pray?" Of course, our daughters would laugh at that.

Probably it’s time the daughters see it’s a more serious matter and find out if there’s something that can be done to help her. Laughing won’t help you. Maybe it’s hard for them to see it as well and laughing is easier than taking it seriously.

 

[Anaphora]

I had aunt who was on medication and would fly off the handle. I had to be careful what I said. It got to the point I stopped going to my grandparents house, back in 1990s. Your in tough situation. Medication is the issue. It can cause irrational thinking or anger. Understand. Medication has different side effects. I'm not judging anyone. But some people are too far gone. Just find hiding place. I don't know what else to tell you.

 

[Dorothy Mae]

Our culture does not teach us how to confront with the truth and so most of us run away from it afraid it will overtake us. We ignore the obvious, make jokes, anything but face reality. Sometimes we use words to soften the truth to a point where it is no longer the truth. This makes it very difficult when one is faced with a mental breakdown in a loved one. The loved one is not used to receiving the truth and the family is not used to telling it which means it is swept under the rug until it no longer can be ignored but by then chances of avoiding the fallout are diminished. I noticed this when I moved into a culture not based on Anglo-American values. Being expected to tell the truth and being will to receive the truth was very freeing.

In situations where a loved one is continually displaying behavior that makes relationship difficult requires someone to speak some truth into before all relationship is permanently damaged. Generally we pay someone from the outside to do this in our culture as the family is not used to confronting in love and truth. I was wondering just now if Jordan Peterson has advice on line for those facing a loved one who is becoming abusive say through illness or medication. Either way the relationship is being damaged. I will check. He is a very wise man and did this sort of thing professionally even teaching at university.

 

[Dorothy Mae]

I was listening to Jordan Peterson to see if there is anything there to help you but the difficulty is the problem is with your spouse, not someone of lesser commitment. But I thought of something. Since you are not sure who is having the short term memory problem, why not suggest you both see someone professionally who can test this for you? Where I work we do neuropsychology testing and memory, short term is one of the things tested which is, of course, adjusted for age. There are norms for particular ages. They can tell you which one of you has the weakest short term memory problems and yes, it sometimes comes from actual medical conditions, not just age. Since you are also unsure, this gives her an easy out as the problem might be yours (although it does not sound like it.) If you BOTH see a professional about this, they can also give clues as to what to do to help. But realizing there is a problem is the first, hardest and most vital step and if she can do so without feeling she is being picked upon as you both do it, it would be easier than you telling her she has a problem.

 

[Edward]

My reason for starting this thread had nothing to do with whether or not I should have picked up something or nothing. It's about her tendency to claim she says things to me that I have absolutely zero recollection of and then using those claims to engage an argument with me. It has me wondering if I am the one with a memory problem or if she is.

There have been instances, witnessed by our daughters, where she forgot things within minutes or even seconds of doing them. One example that has happened more than once with our daughters present was sitting down to have dinner we would pray a prayer of thanks. When we begin serving the meal she'd say, "Aren't we going to pray?" Of course, our daughters would laugh at that.

I understand. A contributing factor is a memory problem and I mostly wanted to tell you about Rosemary tea help improve memory. I just added that other because I've been married and know how it is! I feel for you Brother.

 

[Edward]

I was listening to Jordan Peterson to see if there is anything there to help you

I am not fond of that guy at all. I think his entire ministry is putting people dowm and pointing out faults. We're not supposed to be like that.

 

[WIP]

I had aunt who was on medication and would fly off the handle. I had to be careful what I said. It got to the point I stopped going to my grandparents house, back in 1990s. Your in tough situation. Medication is the issue. It can cause irrational thinking or anger. Understand. Medication has different side effects. I'm not judging anyone. But some people are too far gone. Just find hiding place. I don't know what else to tell you.

One hope is that she is now recovering from back surgery that was done three weeks ago and maybe she'll be able to stop taking some of the medications. They fused S1, L5, and L4 vertebrae. The hope is that it will give her pain relief and then she can drop some of the drugs. Maybe that will help.

 

[JLB]

Okay, my wife and I are both approaching our mid 60’s. For the last few months or perhaps even couple years, I find myself being accused of not hearing or ignoring things she has allegedly said to me and it causes strife. Here’s an example.

This morning, I was asked to drive to town, about 3 miles away, to drop something off for our daughter at her hair salon and while in town to pick up a couple things we need. Here’s how I remember the chain of events.

I got about 1/2 mile from home and my wife called to add that I pick up a package of Always for her mother who is staying with us for a short time. I told her to text me with the request because I wasn’t quite clear about what she needed. When I got to town, I read her text message and determined what she wanted was Always Discreet underwear for her elderly mother who is staying with us for a short time. There were two other brands available, Depends and Composure, but not the brand she asked for. Past experience has taught me that it is best not to use my judgment in this situation so I sent her a text and told her they did not have the brand she wanted and explained what they did have. She replied to get the Depends Overnight in XL size Unfortunately, they only had the daytime version and did not have the overnight version. It was a 50:50 shot that I would do the right thing, either get the wrong version which would have been rejected or get nothing since they didn't have the right thing.

When I got home and told them that they didn’t have the overnight variety she got hostile and claimed that she told me that her mom needed them and that I should have got the daytime variety anyway. I have absolutely zero recollection of her saying that to me and when I told her that, she claimed she told me this before I left to go to town. The first recollection I have of her even mentioning getting these items was when I got her phone call on my way to town.

This is the kind of thing that happens somewhat regularly in our household. Could she be correct that my memory is failing and becoming that selective? I suppose, but normally if I forget something and then later reminded I am able to recall it. In these situations, I honestly have no recollection whatsoever even after being “reminded.”

Here’s the catch. Due to a back injury that occurred over 10 years ago, she daily takes a lot of medications including narcotic pain killers, anxiety meds, anti-depressants, and others. She has experienced short-term memory loss that our daughters have witnessed for themselves like doing something and moments later not remembering that it was done.

My question is, how do I best handle this? I usually try to defend myself and tell her she did not say this or that but she won’t accept that defense so it becomes her word against mine which rarely goes well. In the end I usually, but not always, just take the blame and let it go.

I pray that the Lord bless you and fill you with His Spirit, and perfect love to continue to be patient with your wife.

I also pray that the Lord will uproot any and all rejection from you that your heart would be pure and undefiled.


Those on medication are vulnerable to mood swings and can become hostile and unreasonable instantly.


Be blessed to day with His peace, the peace of God that surpasses all understanding that guards your heart and mind.


Hang in there, God is with you. You are a great husband.




JLB

 

[Dorothy Mae]

One hope is that she is now recovering from back surgery that was done three weeks ago and maybe she'll be able to stop taking some of the medications. They fused S1, L5, and L4 vertebrae. The hope is that it will give her pain relief and then she can drop some of the drugs. Maybe that will help.

My sister had that surgery and that helped her with the pain. She is off of pain killers.

 

[GodsGrace]

My reason for starting this thread had nothing to do with whether or not I should have picked up something or nothing. It's about her tendency to claim she says things to me that I have absolutely zero recollection of and then using those claims to engage an argument with me. It has me wondering if I am the one with a memory problem or if she is.

There have been instances, witnessed by our daughters, where she forgot things within minutes or even seconds of doing them. One example that has happened more than once with our daughters present was sitting down to have dinner we would pray a prayer of thanks. When we begin serving the meal she'd say, "Aren't we going to pray?" Of course, our daughters would laugh at that.

Are you worried there's a physical problem?

And

There's no use arguing about something one of the partners can't even remember.

Arguing ruins marriages.

 

[GodsGrace]

One hope is that she is now recovering from back surgery that was done three weeks ago and maybe she'll be able to stop taking some of the medications. They fused S1, L5, and L4 vertebrae. The hope is that it will give her pain relief and then she can drop some of the drugs. Maybe that will help.

Constant pain is difficult to live with.
It changes people, makes them more sensitive to everything.

 

[hawkman]

WIP , what Dorothy Mae said right here is just what I was thinking even before I read her post , this is the route I believe I would take .

But I thought of something. Since you are not sure who is having the short term memory problem, why not suggest you both see someone professionally who can test this for you? Where I work we do neuropsychology testing and memory, short term is one of the things tested which is, of course, adjusted for age. There are norms for particular ages. They can tell you which one of you has the weakest short term memory problems and yes, it sometimes comes from actual medical conditions, not just age. Since you are also unsure, this gives her an easy out as the problem might be yours (although it does not sound like it.) If you BOTH see a professional about this, they can also give clues as to what to do to help. But realizing there is a problem is the first, hardest and most vital step and if she can do so without feeling she is being picked upon as you both do it, it would be easier than you telling her she has a problem.

 

[hawkman]

Are you worried there's a physical problem?

And

There's no use arguing about something one of the partners can't even remember.

Arguing ruins marriages.

Yes, in any relationship we must learn to pick our battles , even on this forum .

My wife and I had a "discussion" involving dryer lint . I laughed and told here now when someone asks what our last disagreement was about we could say dryer lint .

 

[GodsGrace]

Yes, in any relationship we must learn to pick our battles , even on this forum .

My wife and I had a "discussion" involving dryer lint . I laughed and told here now when someone asks what our last disagreement was about we could say dryer lint .

Yes.
I agree fully that we should only "discuss" the REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF!!