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[__ Prayer __] i get it: -outcast-

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that's it. the term is "outcast," and that's...what I've been, what I was, and now I think what I am...but for different reasons. OK.

so...at 38, I have what I need + more than I can claim to "deserve" or anything, 1st because of Jesus and 2ndly because of my loving, long suffering parents. I have been made healthy. I'm smart. I'm remarkably...normal. not homely! not effeminate! normal height! I apparently look younger than my age (nothing freakish...I think its God's mercy, since I used to be so haggard and burned out...). so...

not a loser, not a reject, not xyz..."outcast." Jesus has mercy on people, and outcasts and people the world has rejected seem to have a special place in His heart and work in this world of ours, so...

there you go. I once was blind, now I see. Thing is...

my current social "role" is "mental patient." People openly talk about having me "committed," even though I'm law abiding, not on drugs, no heavily medicated, not actually experiencing much in the way of symptoms except when the taunts and such make me nervous...

but that's how the world works, isn't it? God's work in this world is always met with opposition. And...truth? People wanted to "put him (Me) away" for a long time. call it an odd variant of the "school to prison pipeline..." prison -or- maybe, just maybe, the state hospital. ugh. happens.

I'll see my dad later for errands and such. I love him and he is kind to me, good to me...so is mama, thank goodness. they are good people and good to me and I hope they will humble themselves and pray for their own salvation, one day. don't have to vote GOP to believe in Jesus...

so this is my frustration. God spares me, saves me, remakes and redeems me...

and I'm beginning to suspect perma-outcast is my lot in life. at 38, the private practice shrinks can't get $$$ out of me. no one can, really. its odd...now that my parents are on the lower rung of the upper class (well to do, NOT rich), I get resentment and hatred coming my way...

because I "belong in (state hospital, group home, on and on)," but I have (some nice things, what I need + good bit extra, not fancy or deluxe...), and...

ugh. I wish I had a local friend. but who has friends, anyway? a j-o-b would be nice, but at 38...I"m afraid I aged out of all that, already. age discrimination lawsuits start at age -40- . The Lord has made me healthy and I look younger than other 38 year old men...

and that seems to frustrate my accusers, naysayers, bullies and mockers -even more- . ugh. -deal with it, dude- I know, I know. its just...


frustrating. cannot work, parents are good me, God is Good and good to me, and...what to do with each new day? start with the basics, one foot in front of the other...

getting there. thanks. :)
 
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