I might get married

[King Dan of Great the 1st]

Me and my good friend I have known for 27 years we might get married. She has now said twice tonight we should get married, and I'm thinking I should just get married. I mean why not.

If I have been there as a friend for 27 years in her life and seen it come and go, and she has been there as a friend for 27 years in my life and seen it come and go, we can be companions for life.

We may as well just get married.

There was one thing our friend always said about us , " you two will grow old together". And so will he grow old with together.

 

[King Dan of Great the 1st]

Yea, na, I don't think I want to get married anymore now I think I change my mind. I mean what's the difference from being good friends for life to being married?. I'm already committed to being a friend for life and being there for those closest to me. What's the difference?

 

[Luminous_Rose]

Hmm...what's the problem with marriage? I mean, don't get married for sure if you have doubts since it needs to be a serious and well thought out decision.

Friends are there to encourage each other, but it crosses the boundary into marriage when there is sexual involvement and emotional intimacy. It's kind of like deceiving a friend when both of you have marital commitments in a friendship when you aren't considering yourselves married. Intimate friendships can be a source of confusion and frustration for one or both people involved. It's hard to be "just friends" if there is romantic involvement. Sometimes one person see's the friendship in a romantic sense and the other doesn't and it can become toxic because one person will pursue the other continuously with no real hope of being more than friends. That can be a bit deceptive.

It seems that she see's you in a romantic sense as someone she wants to spend her life with. I mean, 27 years is a long time to be friends - how long has she loved you in this way? Why is the hesitation to marry? I would be heartbroken if after 27 years I got a "no" in a marriage proposal.

I guess the question is, are you both "just friends" or aren't you?

 

[JohnDB]

Yea, na, I don't think I want to get married anymore now I think I change my mind. I mean what's the difference from being good friends for life to being married?. I'm already committed to being a friend for life and being there for those closest to me. What's the difference?

Actually not much.
Except married people usually are ruder to each other. Thereby ruining a friendship.

And married people have a physical intimacy that platonic friends do not. (Sex...ok...there I said the word)

And if there is no physical attraction that is going to be difficult.

Do you want her to speak for you when you aren't around? Do you think that she is respectful with you? Or does she just like teasing you?

 

[King Dan of Great the 1st]

Actually not much.
Except married people usually are ruder to each other. Thereby ruining a friendship.

And married people have a physical intimacy that platonic friends do not. (Sex...ok...there I said the word)

And if there is no physical attraction that is going to be difficult.

Do you want her to speak for you when you aren't around? Do you think that she is respectful with you? Or does she just like teasing you?

There is not much of a physical attraction on both ends anymore , I think it's more just one of those still in contact after so many years and you realise who is your true friends and still there for you and never left you. But that's just a friendship.

A couple of times over the years she was keen on me for a relationship and I was not interested, and over the years I was keen but she was not interested.

Who knows, maybe I will just get married.

 

[Truthfrees]

There is not much of a pysiical attraction on both ends anymore , I think it's more just one of those still in contact after so many years and you realise who is your true friends and still there for you and never left you. But that's just a friendship.

A couple of times over the years she was keen on me for a relationship and I was not interested, and over the years I was keen but she was not interested.

Who knows, maybe I will just get married.

read all your back and forth posts - praying for you to know what is the right thing

marriage sounds like a good idea but it may not be the right thing

take your time - pray - ask God to make it clear

praying for you through this important decision

 

[King Dan of Great the 1st]

I have decided not to get married because if I get married then would come expectations, and I am not cool with that.

 

[Who Me]

Me and my good friend I have known for 27 years we might get married. She has now said twice tonight we should get married, and I'm thinking I should just get married. I mean why not.

May I suggest that the pair of you sit down with a marriage preparation book and talk seriously about marriage, use the book as a guide.
Both of you will have established habits, these will have to change, your spending, saving, pensions etc will have to be gone over, where you will live, the record, knick knacks, furniture will have to be decided and you will have to talk about sex.
Equally embarrassing is the subject of other family members and where will you spend Christmas etc.

Your first step is to seriously talk about it, over several sessions and with your minister.

Let me tell you a story.
I moved away after school some years later came back to this area and met an old school friend. We hung out, attended the same church etc over the next twenty years and surfing all that time one girl was always around.
She went away to serve as a missionary, came back and the two would be seen together. After thirty years, numerous incidents of sickness etc they finally married.

Two very stubborn people who could have married a life time ago but didn't.

I don't know whether it will work for you, but if you don't talk you will never know.

 

[Truthfrees]

Let me tell you a story.
I moved away after school some years later came back to this area and met an old school friend. We hung out, attended the same church etc over the next twenty years and surfing all that time one girl was always around.
She went away to serve as a missionary, came back and the two would be seen together. After thirty years, numerous incidents of sickness etc they finally married.

Two very stubborn people who could have married a life time ago but didn't.

one other thing to consider - perhaps they married when they were ready?

we all grow and change - my interpretation of your friend's story is that they were not close enough to marry earlier but years of friendship caused them to grow close enough later

 

[HeIsRisen2018]

My advice as an engaged person myself would be don't get married unless you're absolutely sure that you're on the same page and that it's what you really want. Believe me when I tell you that when the right one comes along, you really will know it.

 

[for_his_glory]

After two failed marriages I wasn't looking to ever get married again, but God had other plans for me when I first met my now husband in a church we use to attend. We sat with each other for many hours every week and learned of each other as we became very good friends. It wasn't a physical or a sexual attraction, but the attraction of our hearts being yoked together.

After really getting to know each other we both developed feelings for each other and even thoughts of marriage entered our thoughts, but we never told each other at first. We were both contemplating marriage as we both sought God about this, especially me because he was never married before and I didn't want a third failed marriage and him having a first. Actually he was the first one that brought up marriage and that he would not marry me unless we individually prayed first and sought God's answer for this. After 22 years of marriage he is still my best friend. Not to say we have not had some problems along the way, but we also resolve each of them to maintain a happy marriage.

With you being wishy washy about your decision the both of you need to go before the Lord in prayer to make sure God will bless this union between the two of you, but if you have doubts then it might be better to just remain good friends so the two of you will not ruin that relationship.

 

[King Dan of Great the 1st]

My advice as an engaged person myself would be don't get married unless you're absolutely sure that you're on the same page and that it's what you really want. Believe me when I tell you that when the right one comes along, you really will know it.

I think me and my friend both know we are not suited to be a couple it's only because we have know each other as friends since we were young we can talk for hours about life but our ways and lifestyles are complete opposites.

It seems to only be a specific point in time when me or her say something like we should be together or whatever but it's not reality it's just a time you want someone you know is there for you, or when one is feeling lonely, or so on. Yet both of us never have that same feeling at the same time, it's not reality. I might say something at a point in time and she might say something at a point in time but it's not mutual and I think we both know that.


Our other friend, our amazing good buddy who has known us both since day 1, he always said that me and her would grow old together, and it's true, we will be good friends for life.

 

[Truthfrees]

I think me and my friend both know we are not suited to be a couple it's only because we have know each other as friends since we were young we can talk for hours about life but our ways and lifestyles are complete opposites.

It seems to be only be a specific point in time when me or her say something like we should be together or whatever but it's not reality it's just a time you want someone you know is there for you, or when one is feeling lonely, or so on.

Our other friend, our amazing good buddy who has known us both since day 1, he always said that me and her would grow old together, and it's true, we will be good friends for life. Me, her, and our friend, he's now married with kids, I went to his wedding as groomsman, we life long friends, We family.

wow - awesome - that is clear insight - praise GOD - God bless you

 

[JohnDB]

Here's the stats I remember from a long time ago....

Currently those active Christians who actually get married have about an 80-90% of success.

If you remarry after a divorce....
The second marriage, if done inside of two years of the ink drying on your first divorce, has a 90% chance of failure... meaning only 10% of those succeed.
Of those that waited after divorcing their spouses for over two years do much better with a 60% chance of success.

Third marriages?
About a 30% chance of having a successful marriage.
4th, 5th, 6th and etc..it only gets worse...to the point that I really would recommend not putting anything on layaway together or opening a joint checking account.


All in all, the major determining factor in the success of the successive marriage is actually owning the mistakes (and presumably fixing them) you individually made in the previous relationship(s).

BUT
The kicker is that fewer people are actually going to the courthouse to get a license. Most just "shack up"....a few for decades and having children without actually having the legal protections of a marriage.
However the norm is about 6-12 months...a few for years. But the moving in and out destroys your heart like a divorce until it becomes so calloused towards marriage and the opposite sex you are unfit and unable to engage in true emotional intimacy that a marriage requires to be successful.

Be very very careful with choosing a spouse.

AND....

Currently Single, Available Christian women outnumber Available Christian Men something like 20-1. It's to the point that available Christian men are now considered the same as unicorns in mythical creatures.

So when a Christian guy says that he can't find any women to date...he is not going to church. Christian women don't hold down a barstool at the local watering hole to keep it from floating away.

Every Christian widower/divorcee I've ever known has been literally hounded by the women. Usually only the best of the best Christian women can actually gain the single man when he becomes available. (No debt, no annoying habits, good culinary skills, reasonably attractive, groomed and decent resume)

 

[for_his_glory]

Here's the stats I remember from a long time ago....

Currently those active Christians who actually get married have about an 80-90% of success.

If you remarry after a divorce....
The second marriage, if done inside of two years of the ink drying on your first divorce, has a 90% chance of failure... meaning only 10% of those succeed.
Of those that waited after divorcing their spouses for over two years do much better with a 60% chance of success.

Third marriages?
About a 30% chance of having a successful marriage.
4th, 5th, 6th and etc..it only gets worse...to the point that I really would recommend not putting anything on layaway together or opening a joint checking account.


All in all, the major determining factor in the success of the successive marriage is actually owning the mistakes (and presumably fixing them) you individually made in the previous relationship(s).

BUT
The kicker is that fewer people are actually going to the courthouse to get a license. Most just "shack up"....a few for decades and having children without actually having the legal protections of a marriage.
However the norm is about 6-12 months...a few for years. But the moving in and out destroys your heart like a divorce until it becomes so calloused towards marriage and the opposite sex you are unfit and unable to engage in true emotional intimacy that a marriage requires to be successful.

Be very very careful with choosing a spouse.

AND....

Currently Single, Available Christian women outnumber Available Christian Men something like 20-1. It's to the point that available Christian men are now considered the same as unicorns in mythical creatures.

So when a Christian guy says that he can't find any women to date...he is not going to church. Christian women don't hold down a barstool at the local watering hole to keep it from floating away.

Every Christian widower/divorcee I've ever known has been literally hounded by the women. Usually only the best of the best Christian women can actually gain the single man when he becomes available. (No debt, no annoying habits, good culinary skills, reasonably attractive, groomed and decent resume)

Stats are not always reliable in some cases or it's just me being the exception to these stats. After two failed marriages I wasn't looking to get married again, but just wanted a male friend to buddy around with. I met my now husband of 22 years now in church. We met in July, started dating in September and got married in January. Yes, it seems quick to others, but during that time we spent many days and hours getting to know everything about each other. Our likes, dislikes, our BC years and AD years and why I had two failed marriages. He was never married before and he, like me, wanted to make sure marriage was right for us. We left it up to God to answer our prayers about this.

Now, I'm not saying we have a perfect marriage as who can truly say they do, but there is nothing that we can not work out between us when we put Christ in the center of it. Still today I call my husband my gift from God.

When thinking of marriage, especially a Christian, make absolutely sure it is the right move. kiwidan I am so glad you thought this through as there is nothing worse than losing a good friend.

 

[jasonc]

If I do divorce .no,thanks .I,have no desire to. Marry again .

I,couldn't date and play that sales game.like my,truck ,go buy,your self one.my,house ?yup that too .you can work and buy a mortgage

 

[Link1983]

Me and my good friend I have known for 27 years we might get married. She has now said twice tonight we should get married, and I'm thinking I should just get married. I mean why not.

If I have been there as a friend for 27 years in her life and seen it come and go, and she has been there as a friend for 27 years in my life and seen it come and go, we can be companions for life.

We may as well just get married.

There was one thing our friend always said about us , " you two will grow old together". And so will he grow old with together.

"How can two walk together, less they agreed" make sure you base it on a strong foundation is what I think. And marriage is the most beautiful thing if true!

 

[Link1983]

That being said. Marriage is also a challenge ass people are complex an change. Build a strong foundation!!

 

[JohnDB]

Stats are not always reliable in some cases or it's just me being the exception to these stats. After two failed marriages I wasn't looking to get married again, but just wanted a male friend to buddy around with. I met my now husband of 22 years now in church. We met in July, started dating in September and got married in January. Yes, it seems quick to others, but during that time we spent many days and hours getting to know everything about each other. Our likes, dislikes, our BC years and AD years and why I had two failed marriages. He was never married before and he, like me, wanted to make sure marriage was right for us. We left it up to God to answer our prayers about this.

Now, I'm not saying we have a perfect marriage as who can truly say they do, but there is nothing that we can not work out between us when we put Christ in the center of it. Still today I call my husband my gift from God.

When thinking of marriage, especially a Christian, make absolutely sure it is the right move. kiwidan I am so glad you thought this through as there is nothing worse than losing a good friend.

But you did something different between your second and third marriages. You figured out what went wrong with the first two.

That's what went finally right...

You went after a friend and not a "lover".
Sounds like going backwards to go forward but it worked.

So you got to be that 30%...and it's perfectly normal. Even if you occasionally hiss at each other...that sort of thing means that you care. Anger isn't the opposite of love... indifference is.
You actually are tracking the stats just perfectly. The odd thing for you is that you stopped what you did wrong the first two times. Most don't.
We love to blame everything and everyone else for our mistakes...and so people continue on with making the same poor choices over and over again.
But Christians are supposed to be different...we admit when we are wrong... especially when the evidence is glaring at us. That's our biggest asset.

 

[HeIsRisen2018]

Sounds like going backwards to go forward

I haven't even had breakfast yet and you're making me use my brain already?