I was hesitantly baptized in the name of Jesus Christ last month. I say hesitantly because I understood the urgency, but I knew I didn't really want to turn from my sins. Part of me was still in denial that the God of the Bible could be true. But I was baptized anyway because I feared the possibility of Hell being real. I basically used my baptism as a safety net, planned to enjoy my sin for awhile and get right with God later. It's sick.
Well, actually, it's pretty normal.
Every person who is saved comes to God for salvation as an enemy toward Him (
Colossians 1:21), bound under the power of the World, the Flesh and the devil (
Ephesians 2:1-3), serving various lusts and pleasures (
Titus 3:3). We are all of us a mess when we come to God for salvation and healing. Isn't it amazing, then, that God is willing to accept such awful creatures, full of selfishness and sin? But, He does. Because He loves them.
It's never God's desire that anyone should go to hell.
2 Peter 3:9 (NASB)
9 The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.
Ezekiel 33:11 (NASB)
11 "Say to them, 'As I live!' declares the Lord GOD, 'I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that the wicked turn from his way and live. Turn back, turn back from your evil ways!..."
Though we all certainly deserve hell, every one of us wretched, depraved sinners, God extends His love to us, saving us from ourselves through Jesus Christ. I think that's amazing, don't you? Even though you and I have come to God mired in, and fouled by, our sin, God says to us, "Trust in my Son as your Savior, yield to him as your Lord, and you will be clean, redeemed from your Self and your sin, and adopted into my eternal family." (
John 3:16; Romans 10:9-10; Colossians 1:13-14) That's it. Jesus has done for us all that God's holiness and justice required to be done in atonement for our sin. And thank God that He did! None of us could, right? What incredible love God has shown to us, eh? How good and gracious He is!
God knows that He'll have to go to work on us, changing us over time, making us people in whom Jesus is clearly reflected. He knows we're weak, and selfish and in desperate need of transformation. But this doesn't repel Him. Not at all. Instead, being the God of Love that He is, He waits for us to submit to His control and then goes to work on us, altering what we want, how we think, and what we do. And so long as we remain under His control, submitted to His will and way throughout each day, He continues to transform us into "living letters of Jesus Christ, read of all men." We're getting an awesome deal, are we not, in our adoption into God's family? Wow! (J
ames 4:6-10; Romans 6:13-22; Romans 12:1; Romans 8:14; 1 Peter 5:6)
So, don't sweat your fearful motive for coming to God for salvation. Just don't remain in it. God wants you to see His love for you, most of all, in the salvation He offers to you in Jesus.
1 John 4:16-19 (NASB)
16 We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.
17 By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world.
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.
19 We love, because He first loved us.
I didn't ask God for His Spirit because I didn't want to risk blaspheming His Spirit if I went back to sinning. The other part of me was telling myself, "no, you're going to get right with God, no more games." But I knew I was going to probably make excuses for myself to sin later on. I was baptized but my heart was really not in it for God.
Only God can sort us out. We come to Him precisely because this is so. He doesn't intend we should change for Him, but that
He should change us.
Philippians 1:6 (NASB)
6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 2:13 (NASB)
13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 (NASB)
23 Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
24 Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.
1 Peter 5:10 (NASB)
10 ...the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.
Will you submit yourself to God - and stay submitted - by faith trusting that He will change you as you do so? This is the key to being filled and transformed by God, not making yourself do what you don't want to do.
By the way, the baptism of the Spirit happens when you trust in Christ as your Savior and Lord. The Holy Spirit "baptizes" you into Jesus Christ, in himself giving you the life of Christ, and bringing you alive spiritually when he comes to live in you. You'll know the Spirit is within you, though, because he will convict you of sin (
John 16:8), teach you God's truth (
John 14:26; 1 Corinthians 2:10-16), strengthen you in times of trial and temptation (
Ephesians 3:16; Romans 8:13; 2 Corinthians 3:18; Philippians 2:13), comfort you in seasons of trouble and suffering (
2 Corinthians 1:3-5), and produce in you the "Fruit of the Spirit" (
Galatians 5:22-23; Ephesians 5:9).
Too often these days, people are expecting God to meet them sensually, to act upon them in a way that provokes their physical senses. They want feelings, and sensations, and events that excite and thrill them, not conviction, teaching, and transformation. But God is crystal clear that He wants us to be spiritually-minded, walking with Him by faith, not sight (
1 Corinthians 5:7), occupied with Him and His truth, not our bodies and emotions, wanting at every turn to feel something from God. (
Romans 8:5-13; Galatians 6:7-8; Galatians 5:17; Psalms 1; Psalms 119:105; Matthew 4:4; 2 Timothy 3:16-17)
I realize I have completely self sabotaged. I willfully sinned, and I still am because I am convinced it's too late. I willfully sinned after being covered by his blood. I've had a few Christians tell me it's not too late, and I would use that as an excuse to willfully sin even more! I even convinced myself a few times that he isn't the true God. Even though I did this without being a partaker of the Holy Ghost, not being in full covenant, am I still truly damned? I trampled/recrucified the THE SON OF GOD.
This is what happens when you keep your eyes fixed on you. You will be conformed to your focus - as we all are. Instead, look to Jesus, the Author and Finisher of your faith. (
Hebrews 12:2-3; 2 Corinthians 3:18) Keep your eyes on him, filling your mind and heart with revelation of him you have in God's word. No one ever became more like Jesus by staring at themselves, endlessly analyzing who they are and why they do what they do.
The worst part is I don't have Godly sorrow. I'm terrified of my damnation, and not sad that I sinned against God. I think it's because I don't fully understand the severity of sin and why people who sin are worthy of burning forever. If I still have a chance at repenting, I don't know how I'll ever be able to love God fully because my heart is hardened and stubborn.
Godly sorrow comes, obviously,
from God. This is why it's called
godly sorrow. You aren't, then, ever going to work up from within yourself the sorrow God intends you should have about your sin, the sin that put Jesus on the cross. It won't be mere shame and guiltiness that will bring you to such sorrow, but seeing more and more clearly just how much God loves you. When you are really settled in His love, your sin will tear at you terribly and you'll hate it because it keeps you from fully enjoying the God who loves you so dearly.
For God so loved you, sister, that He gave His only Son to die for you. When you really believe it, things will start to happen between you and Him.
