Impacting Risky Teen Behavior

[Mike]

I'm putting this here so teens and members who aren't married can respond.

Hopefully this link will work. I've un-parsed it.

http://www.christianforums.net/f32/child-abuse-what-do-i-do-38745/

Family meals are the strongest factor that we've come across in any activity that families do," said William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota. "It really tops them all as a predictor and contributor of a wide range of positive behavior."

Compared to teens who ate with their families five to seven times a week, teenagers who had fewer than three family dinners a week were almost four times more likely to try tobacco, more than twice as likely to use alcohol and 2.5 times more likely to use marijuana, according to new information released by Columbia University's National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse.

I have a two part question for this thread; actually three because the first part has two sub-questions.
1. a. - If you are parents, how often do you arrange to have dinner as a family?
1. b. - Looking back on your teens (if you are looking back ) how often did you have have dinner as a family, and do you believe this made a difference?

2. Is this a secular replacement for the roll of faith in the family? Can it be over-played?


I've read about a number of studies on the impact of instilling a connection between the Will of God ---> making it absolutely clear that as a parent, certain behaviors are forbidden because God forbids such things ---> dramatic rates in teen sex, drugs, etc. I've always been straight to the point with our children. I forbid them to engage in these, and they need to remember they are a Child of God when considering these options.

My wife and I have dinner along with the kids as often as possible with extra curricular activities and night time meetings will allow. I do believe this is important, and I'd say we average about 4 or 5 nights per week. My trust is in the Word of God and the Holy Spirit in their hearts, but the value of them knowing how much I care is very important too.


I'm not sure family dinners are as important if personal time is made up at other times and they know they are Loved by the Lord.

 

[handy]

Family dinners are a challenge for us because of Steve's schedule. When we are all together, we eat together. That is usually Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Then the kids and I usually eat together on Wednesday and Thursdays with Steve calling in later. Tuesdays and Fridays tend to be "transit" days. This isn't "hard and fast" but it tends to be normative. 'Bout as normative as our family gets, anyway.

When I was growing up, we ate together every night except when events came up. We also ate a huge meal on Sunday after church.

I think that the reason why family meals rank so high as an indicator of more positive behaviors for teens is because when we eat together we are communicating. We can be fighting like cats and dogs to get dinner on the table, and there have been times I've wanted to start frothing at the mouth, believe me, just to get supper on the table...then we sit, take a breath, and start praying together...and suddenly we are talking over our day, asking questions of each other, listening to each other without the distractions of tv, pcs, mp3s, psp's, wii's, etc. and genuinely enjoying each other's company.

Mike you said:

I'm not sure family dinners are as important if personal time is made up at other times and they know they are Loved by the Lord.

You are probably right...but, two points:
Often, as much as there might be a push to have family time made up at other times...it usually doesn't happen.

Two: I wasn't raised in a God fearing home, and yet still had strong morals put in me. I think our family dinners had a lot to do with that.

 

[Danus]

I have a two part question for this thread; actually three because the first part has two sub-questions.
1. a. - If you are parents, how often do you arrange to have dinner as a family?

practically every night. This is something my wife and I feel strongly about. There is something about meal time and bonding.

1. b. - Looking back on your teens (if you are looking back ) how often did you have have dinner as a family, and do you believe this made a difference?

Rarely, and I'd say it did have an impact. However, I had the last of the 50's parents. I'm the youngest of 3, and quite a bit younger than my older brother and sister.

I remember when my mom would have a dress on in the mornings and a breakfast buffet. IN the evenings we did have a meal as a family, but mostly on the weekends.

My father was in sales and traveled all week. He was only home on weekends. When I started school my mom finished her degree and started back to work when I was about 11. By then my siblings where grown and gone, leaving me with two older parents who spent most of their time with their careers. I came home to an empty house and often eat alone. Odd isn't it. This should be a story from a kid in the hood or something. Not well adjusted upper-middle America.

So I raised myself through my teen years. I did well in school. I was outwardly responsible, but I drank, smoked pot, partied, had some wrong friends and engaged in teen sex. I had the house to myself and by the time I was 16 my parents had built their retirement home on a lake in east Texas. They often spent weekends there, and when they didn't I had the key. They had a boat and I could use it any time I wanted. They substituted "THINGS" in place of themselves.

If you meet my parents, you'd think "wow! these are the nicest Christian people." and they are, but I was neglected.

I do quite well today, but my parents will still talk down to me about the money I make and where I live. If I visit they ask if I need gas money or anything..???? I just take their money when they offer.

2. Is this a secular replacement for the roll of faith in the family? Can it be over-played?


I've read about a number of studies on the impact of instilling a connection between the Will of God ---> making it absolutely clear that as a parent, certain behaviors are forbidden because God forbids such things ---> dramatic rates in teen sex, drugs, etc. I've always been straight to the point with our children. I forbid them to engage in these, and they need to remember they are a Child of God when considering these options.

My wife and I have dinner along with the kids as often as possible with extra curricular activities and night time meetings will allow. I do believe this is important, and I'd say we average about 4 or 5 nights per week. My trust is in the Word of God and the Holy Spirit in their hearts, but the value of them knowing how much I care is very important too.

I'm not sure family dinners are as important if personal time is made up at other times and they know they are Loved by the Lord.

Yes sir, I think your right, and my story backs it up. It's not about dinners for say. It's about setting boundaries and bringing your kids up the way God would have us do. If we neglect that, we fail no matter how "Good" we think we are.

Farming kids is a job that comes before all else. I've turned down six figure opportunities in my life because I have kids and I am not going to be ruled by this world. God's taken care of me just fine. I focus on my kids and that makes our meal time, and camp outs, and home work, reading the bible and even watching a movie more special. ;)

My company knows this as well. I've been pressured to travel, take work home, have a company phone and home hook up and I won't do it. I just say NO! Sorry. That's my time and I'm not going to rob my family of me. Fire me if you want. Don't promote me. Otherwise your wasting the time your paying for me to be here right now. ....and I'm still there working away, leaving a 5PM.

 

[handy]

I was thinking about this thread and just am weighing in with this observation:

What is the most intimate time the church body has with the Lord and each other: Communion, right? A meal.

There is just something about the family meal.

 

[Cheyenne K]

1a/b. I'm not a parent. Though my family doesn't have it terribly often. Usually we kind of just eat in the living room while watching TV, unless there is a lot on the table. I like the recliner and everything, but I like family meals. You get to talk about stuff and your day and everything, rather than stare at the boob tube.

2. I don't think it's a secular replacement for faith, or why it even should be secular. I think family dinners are a great way to support your kids in their faith. It's when you can sit down, say grace, eat, and talk about what happened that day. Parents set examples to their kids and if the kid needs advice on something faith related, or wants to talk/pray about it, that's the perfect time when the whole family is together.

 

[jasoncran]

you know this is a sad and sombering subject and also a glorious one. its sad that americans must once agian learn the hard way that God's word is true.

yet its awesome for if we just live the life through christ, how is it that we are so blessed!

 

[Mike]

Just to clarify... What I meant by family dinners replacing faith by secular society is this: ABC News etal, comes out with this study. While it's true in some respects (anything that brings families together), I feel like "the world" is telling us "this" is how we can peacefully raise morally strong children. This is what you need. Do this and you won't need other things.

I wouldn't say that ABC News sits and thinks of ways to rip your faith from your still-beating heart, but I feel (by design or not), they are sending the message that "we have it all" They say we have this power and the answers are inside of us.

 

[Danus]

Well, family dinners are more than just dinners, but I think when we think of Family dinners we sort of mix our Christianity in it traditionally. That's usually the main time families bow their heads together if they are Christian, but ..Jewish people also do this. I assume Muslims do to. Atheist and agnostics ?....no. But let's look at it from ABC news perspective. They won't mention religion because they can't mention one without offending the other or the non-religious, and they don't want to alienate readers because that would lower the audience and that would make them less valuable to advertisers trying to push soap and deodorant. That's the plain truth more so that any conspiracy to push some secular agenda.

We've become hyper-sensitive in this American culture and that makes entertainment and information harder to assimilate. Especially when 90% of those two elements exist to sell junk and churn the economy....but people take it as factual correct info.

 

[handy]

OK, Mike, I'll be devil's advocate here for a bit...:fencing

I think that non-Christian people can and do raise morally strong children. As I mentioned before, I was raised in a non-Christian home, and we were raised to be moral: no drugs, sex outside of marriage, no lying, stealing, cheating. Solid morals that enabled us to become solid members of society.

My cousins, who to this day are not Christians, were also raised around the family dinner table and are also morally strong people. The three of them hold down good jobs, one's a cop, one's a designer/builder of Ecotecs for engines, one's a dental hygienist. They are not drug users or promiscuous.

They are not saved...but a Christian's morality doesn't save them either.

However, they are decent and successful people.

Is the secular family dinner table a secular replacement for faith in the family?

Depends upon how we want to look at faith.

If we want to look at faith as that which drives us to be morally good people, then yes, family dinners certainly can be a replacement, because people can be morally good without faith and it's clear that family dinners develop good morals.

If we want to look at faith though as the means of God's salvation by grace and the impetus to living a godly (as opposed to moral) life, then no, there is no way a simple family meal is going to replace what imparting our faith to our children and instructing and nurturing them in the Lord will do.

 

[Danus]

As I mentioned before, I was raised in a non-Christian home, and we were raised to be moral: no drugs, sex outside of marriage, no lying, stealing, cheating. Solid morals that enabled us to become solid members of society.

And I was raised in a christian home with prayer and church .... and did not develop a very solid moral foundation. ....it took me becoming a Christian as an adult to finally see the value of morality....but we did not have very many family dinners during my teen years so maybe this dinner thing rings some truth.

 

[Mike]

Alright, then a question...

What do you believe has a greater rate of success in dramatically decreasing risky teen behavior: Dinner every night with the family or the acceptance that s/he is created and loved by God? I realize they are not mutually exclusive. Plenty of Christians having dinner together tonight!

And I agree that there are many, many teens without faith who are very moralistic.

The more this world tells this world that they can manage their lives by doing A, B, & C, the more they are implying that it has no need for God. IMO

 

[jasoncran]

interesting point handy, i was raised a jw and when i was faithful to that i didnt steal,lie or curse etc.

but i do see what mike is saying.obey the laws of god doesnt save nor does running from the laws of god save

 

[Nick]

I'm putting this here so teens and members who aren't married can respond.

Hopefully this link will work. I've un-parsed it.

http://www.christianforums.net/f32/child-abuse-what-do-i-do-38745/



I have a two part question for this thread; actually three because the first part has two sub-questions.
1. a. - If you are parents, how often do you arrange to have dinner as a family?
1. b. - Looking back on your teens (if you are looking back ) how often did you have have dinner as a family, and do you believe this made a difference?

2. Is this a secular replacement for the roll of faith in the family? Can it be over-played?


I've read about a number of studies on the impact of instilling a connection between the Will of God ---> making it absolutely clear that as a parent, certain behaviors are forbidden because God forbids such things ---> dramatic rates in teen sex, drugs, etc. I've always been straight to the point with our children. I forbid them to engage in these, and they need to remember they are a Child of God when considering these options.

My wife and I have dinner along with the kids as often as possible with extra curricular activities and night time meetings will allow. I do believe this is important, and I'd say we average about 4 or 5 nights per week. My trust is in the Word of God and the Holy Spirit in their hearts, but the value of them knowing how much I care is very important too.


I'm not sure family dinners are as important if personal time is made up at other times and they know they are Loved by the Lord.

Haven't read the rest of the thread yet...

1a/b - For those that don't know, I'm 19, still living at home with my parents and two younger brothers (16 and 4). We would average about 5-6 family dinners per week. We never have dinner together on Sunday nights because my younger brother and I go off to night church, and we have dinner there. I'm guessing mum and dad find this valuable time for just them to have dinner on their own, once the little one is in bed. In terms of dinners, we're pretty good. Breakfasts - because everyone does something different - school, work, housewife etc we all leave the house at different times, so we never have breakfast together.

2. Is it a secular replacement for faith? Well anything can be a replacement for faith if it does not serve to build up one's faith, true? I believe it is hard for family dinners to be degrading to the family or their faith, as long as the dinner does not serve as a platform for family members to fight with one another.

For us, it has been great sharing many dinners with each other. We get to tell each other about our days, and talk about issues that come up. Matters of faith/Bible matters have come up lots of times.

I think, at the very least, (generally speaking) family dinners can be bonding and stimulating to the family unit. Even better, it can lead to a grow of faith and a chance to help build up the faith of other family members.

Occasionally we have family dinners in front of the TV. In these cases, it's not really a family dinner at all. a night or two a week, I don't see a problem with this, as long as the other nights there is no TV dinner. Family dinners I believe have tremendous value, and we should take them seriously.

Mike, I agree that not all families have the time at that time of day to have dinner as a family. I do agree that there are other things families can do together to help achieve the same purpose as family dinners, but there's just something about sharing a meal together that can't really be replaced by many other activities. At night church, a couple of years ago we started having dinner together before church started, It's been going great, and I've had many great conversations over dinner.

 

[Nick]

Just to clarify... What I meant by family dinners replacing faith by secular society is this: ABC News etal, comes out with this study. While it's true in some respects (anything that brings families together), I feel like "the world" is telling us "this" is how we can peacefully raise morally strong children. This is what you need. Do this and you won't need other things.

I wouldn't say that ABC News sits and thinks of ways to rip your faith from your still-beating heart, but I feel (by design or not), they are sending the message that "we have it all" They say we have this power and the answers are inside of us.

The sources you mentioned might be secular, and have a secular PoV, but in a secular view of the world, they've nailed it - family time matters.

I feel a Christian view is similar to your quoted secular sources, in that it should put a strong emphasis on family time, particulary family dinners. Of course the secular model neglects Christ, which is of fundemental importance.

 

[Nick]

Ahhh, once again I find myself agreeing with Dora.
I'm getting sick of saying that.

Alright, then a question...

What do you believe has a greater rate of success in dramatically decreasing risky teen behavior: Dinner every night with the family or the acceptance that s/he is created and loved by God? I realize they are not mutually exclusive. Plenty of Christians having dinner together tonight!

And I agree that there are many, many teens without faith who are very moralistic.

The more this world tells this world that they can manage their lives by doing A, B, & C, the more they are implying that it has no need for God. IMO

Well if we are to minister to and educate young people and their families, Christ should come first. But, if the family dinner time is being neglected, then these kids might feel neglected and unsupported by their families, even if they do have Christ in them. Family dinners need to play a strong supportive role to the Gosepl, IMO.

 

[handy]

Alright, then a question...

What do you believe has a greater rate of success in dramatically decreasing risky teen behavior: Dinner every night with the family or the acceptance that s/he is created and loved by God? I realize they are not mutually exclusive. Plenty of Christians having dinner together tonight!

And I agree that there are many, many teens without faith who are very moralistic.

The more this world tells this world that they can manage their lives by doing A, B, & C, the more they are implying that it has no need for God. IMO

You are expecting the world to tell this world that it has a need for God?

Not gonna happen.

However, what is going to happen is that this world is going to try to convince Christians that we have no need of God, that we can be just as well off without God.

And I can see this whole idea of substituting faith with consistent family dinners as part of that aim.

I can also see why the world might think that trying to convince us Christians that we have no need of God, that our children can grow up morally sound without God, is a goal worthy to tackle.

After all, so many Christians act as if good morals are the end goal.

I think the world can be forgiven for having somehow come to the conclusion that Christians are far more worried about our neighbor's morals than we are about our neighbor's eternal soul. :gah

 

[Mike]

Ahhh, once again I find myself agreeing with Dora.
I'm getting sick of saying that.


Well if we are to minister to and educate young people and their families, Christ should come first. But, if the family dinner time is being neglected, then these kids might feel neglected and unsupported by their families, even if they do have Christ in them. Family dinners need to play a strong supportive role to the Gosepl, IMO.

I think you misunderstand me. I'm not concerned about Christians falling for the distraction, because we absolutely can use dinner time to build that relationship with the Lord. My original premise was that secularists see this as filling the need where God is the One who changes hearts. He is the One who changes lives.

Personally, I don't see a strong connection between having dinner together with the family and decreases in risky behavior, except this: Families that do make it a habit to have dinner together likely are very close overall. It's part of the fabric of these families to prioritize family time. My guess is that these families realize a decrease in risky teen behavior because the family has a mission to be connected, and not just at the dinner table. With that, I believe many of these do bring faith into it, and faith has more to do with the decrease than ABC News would have us believe.

 

[Rhea]

But when you compare Handy's and Danus' experiences, it was not the religion in the household, it was the Family Supportâ„¢ in the household that they felt had great impact.

I don't see how this needs to be a threat to religion, though. Because if you want to instill a strong religion in your children, a religion that permeates all of their lives and how they decide to live them, wouldn't it be more successful to include the teachings outside of a religious service; to model the use of religion in everyday lives? To use the concept of Family Support as the medium for religious support? To imbue your religious teaching with your daily lives and imbue your daily lives with your religion?


The secular impact of this is virtually the same; whatever values the family has, they are passed on at the table in the cradle of that Family Support. and that Family Support is woven with the threads of the values of the family. It would be weaker, I would expect, if the family did not have articulated values, and much stronger if the family had defined and discussed values. But without the finished fabric that those values weave, it will not be a strong garment that will endure when the kids leave the table. And if there is no table, the threads have little chance of forming a fabric at all.

We eat together every day. Every breakfast, every dinner. We are also a 3-generation household so grandmother is here as well. And it is indeed at these gatherings that the little stories of the day are matched to the expectations and values of the family; that the assistance of an adult perspective is given in both a teaching and a peer-level discourse.

The secular version will not teach religion, so in that respect it will never reach the outcome that you all desire. But it does teach very much.

Do I think it can be duplicated by non-table interactions? I really think the table is unique in that the atmosphere is patient, unhurried and nothing else is pulling you away. In the living room later, maybe someone wants to read their book or play a game. But at the table we are all agreed that it is time for only each other as interaction. We do have in our household a fun "treat" for the kids that Saturday is read-at-the-table-day, and they enjoy that a lot. But we are still together and it winds up including sharing of what we are reading.

 

[ronniechoate34]

Impacting risky teen behaviour.


How about shutting down the television and participoating in some good old fashioned book burning. We could rebuild the public school system from the ground up and shut down hollywood film makers for good. It would also help to put an end to the music industry, and the like. It would help if we ceased to love the filthy things of the world and repented before the children ourselves. But those things are too obvious, and so many people will overlook those obviously helpful ideas in favor of talking to their kids, or, some other stupid idea that will never work.

 

[theLords]

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