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[__ Prayer __] my town hates me

Christ_empowered

Christ_empowered

Member
Its a long story...basically, I'm considered an "uppity mental patient," etc. etc. I also used to be ugly. I'm no longer ugly...I guess part of Christ's work in my life was making me normal looking, which is a huge blessing. Makes me wonder...was I ugly from poor nutrition or something? Anyway, that's not the point..

People around here are so cruel to me. And its everywhere I wanna be. I step out on the porch, they're messing with me a lot of times. In some respects its gotten better. Once, some dude rode by on his bicycle screaming at me about "pick up your warrant!" Ugh. And people would drive by yelling stuff from the road up to the house at night, when I was out on the front porch. Rough times. That's died down, although some woman and 2 other people were walking by the house the other day and she started talking about me loud enough for me to hear. I just went inside...not real interested in all that.

I just don't get it. When I first moved home--actually, until recently--I was still an irreparably broken human being. Not smart, dull, living an electroshocked fairy land. I got saved (somehow) 2 1/2 years ago. Now...its like...I'm smart enough for online college, I'm not living in a fairy land, my people are behind me, and I'm not ugly. In fact, I'm even (apparently) "well preserved." I mean, I'm only 31, but I suddenly have really healthy skin, so that bothers people (did I mention I used to be prematurely aged? And that now I"m not? Yup..you don't see crows feet on this guy!).

Its just...sickening, sometimes, what people say. "F@ggots don't matter," for instance. Good to know, lol.

I know I've posted on this before, but...wow. Sometimes, it gets to be a bit much, and I can't move. I'm on misdemeanor probation for the next couple years. I have a terrible reputation around here, so I"m not eager to move out anyway, because I don't want anything to happen with probation, and I also don't want to cost my parents $$$ on an apt. when I'd just be...receiving disability and going to school online. See what I'm saying?

Maybe I don't need advice (although that's always appreciated) as much as I need prayer. Everybody needs prayer, of course. I thought this would have died down by now, but...naw, not so much. :)
 
And it continues. I'm considered a "trouble maker" by my ex-shrinks and counselors, so...somehow...my neighbors seem to know an awful lot about my psych history. Lucky me.

The stuff they say is to taunt me, I know. Its actually gotten worse since I got saved and considerably worse since Christ...I dunno...healed? transformed? restored?...me. I mean, I'm a) alive (supposed to be "dead by 23), b) not a convicted felon (only by the Grace of God) c) healthy d) suprisingly (miraculously?) intelligent and d) increasingly in right relationship with my family, which is quite the miracle in and of itself.

Ugh. I step outside, chances are good I'll get harassed. They talk about my sexuality. Apparently, there are pictures of me engaging in sodomy from after the first round of (heavy, involuntary, disastrous) electroshock, pics that I never consented to and didn't know about. Again: lucky me. Also, they keep saying "yeah, well, he consented..." to things I don't even remember, so that's super special. Oh, that and "he'll never become a man," "faggots don't matter," so on and so forth, on a regular basis.

Ugh. I'm...not...pleased, obviously. Oh, and the clinic I go to says I have "Bipolar I w/psychotic features, in recovery," right? Right. So, the people around me say I'm "schizophrenic" because of "poor life choices," "because too many dudes took advantage of him," so on and so forth. So not only am I being harassed, but these people have constructed a narrative about me, my life, and my problems.

I know I'm venting. My mom, the few times I talked to her about it, said "You're extremely self-centered. People have other things to think about besides you!" and stuff like that. More recently, I told her and she said that if I can prove it, she'll do something. That's a step in the right direction, I guess.

And...that is all, lol. Thanks for your ongoing support and prayers. :)
 
If those photos are from after the first round of electroshock, while you were still under the influence of heavy meds and in the hospital, then you have a legal case to pursue.

Your Mom is in your corner, my friend. Use your smart phone to record the nasty comments people make ... you could even record a video of the people making those nasty comments. These you could show to your Mom. Chances are the videos couldn't be used in court, but at least your attorney could view them to get an idea of what's going on.

Prayers continue!
 
Thanks for the supportive responses. I keep praying that God will "give me what I need to bear up under what comes my way," and He's been doing it for me, thanks goodness. I'm getting better at dealing with things, even very unpleasant things, and I think I'm growing in Christ and generally maturing, which is good. I was a semi-vegetable for a good 10 years or so, so I still have some growing up to do...

Thanks again for the responses. :)
 
Every time I read your posts, you sound clear-thinking to me, good grammar, vocabulary and intelligent. Not someone who was once half a vegetable or whatever. Maybe you're a modern day version of that crazy guy from the cemetery Jesus healed who was "clothed and in his right mind". I don't know. And yes I do remember a similar post. Dude, you have to do this: 1) take yourself, 2) take those who support you, and 3) take the grace of God all with you and leave that gossipy hick town you're in. You would have a better chance at anonymity in a city or even suburb ---- doesn't have to be a large one and start over. 31 is not that old; only 3 years older than my oldest son.
 
I do wanna get out of here, but...I'm on misdemeanor probation for the next couple years. Could be worse (w/o the attorney my dad hired, it'd be a felony and I'd be somewhere terrible..."uppity mental patients" don't fare well in the justice system, generally speaking), but I'm concerned about leaving the county (I'd have to get a new probation officer) and living somewhere where I'd be more vulnerable than when I stay with my (thankfully, white collar, upper-middle class, protective) parents. See what I'm saying? My PO has the right to do a "home visit" whenever she wants to...but since I live with my parents in a nice house, she hasn't found the time. See where I'm going with this?

Anyway, I was outside last night and somebody at the neighbors sounded real angry. This is ridiculous. I'm expected to "know my place," blah blah blah. Everything about me is subject to scrutiny and criticism. I'm apparently "not a member of this community," probably because I don't "play by the rules." Yeah, here's the thing...until recently, I was too far gone to even know what "the rules" were, much less abide by them. I get the sense that "playing by the rules" for me would mean living in abject poverty, being controlled by the mental health "professionals." Ugh. I'm sick of the power hungry "professionals" from back in the day coming after me and trying to keep me in bondage. Its ridiculous.

Plus, here's the thing...back in the day, if you were a "mental patient," you could move away and start over. No Facebook back then, you might be able to find a skilled blue collar job, live off family for some people, maybe get married (more for women...), so on and so forth. These days...if I move, odds are pretty good (I think) that these ex-shrinks will find me and make sure I"m getting "appropriate treatment." This is how shrinks (my ex-shrinks, at least) treat "trouble makers." Things are better now, but for a while there...hellish. Simply hellish. So moving away would leave me vulnerable in general, then factor in probation, then factor in angry ex-shrinks coming after me in a place where I'd be w/o my people to protect me, and...yeah. I think I'm here for a couple years, minimum.

I just don't know. I mean, God's done and is doing a lot for me. I have a good attorney, my people are warming up to me, I'm completely different (I even look different), I'm doing well at Liberty, so on and so forth. But these people around here, plus the angry ex-"treatment team..." its crazy.

And that is me, venting around lunch time. :)
 
Ya know,
I really don't care about what the world at large thinks of me. They don't really know me. Those inside my church family are a different matter.
I share my life with them. I do for them and never give a bill or charge for services as an electrician. I just charge for materials I need. (And if I have some I don't even bill...no receipts to show)

I also regularly help out at our church. I work with sound systems and lighting and power needs for them. Again never even a bill.
The individuals thank me profusely. The associate pastors I've helped with their homes are appreciative. But the head pastor can't seem to ever get my name on his lips. Obviously he hates me. I haven't done anything to him. But at this point it's kinda obvious. Been there for years now...helping out and taking part in real meaningful ways...but...

So what. It hurts but isn't relevant. God loves me and that's a whole lot more important.
 
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