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need advice

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I have a Christian friend, and she wants to remain unmarried but wants me to be close to her and grow old together as friends. Already this is kind of complicated, yes? No intimacy allowed, and yet I would hurt, and she would hurt, very badly if we "broke up" from this, because we care for each other a lot. Within the last few months I have been praying a lot about this relationship. I'm not sure how to handle it, because I do have desires (and she knows, I've told her) to marry and have a normal relationship with someone someday. If she was excited about me again as we were when we met, I wouldn't be wanting someone else. I have another friend who I simply have a crush on at this point, and she has been really nice to me. But I'm being very careful because I need guidance and I don't' want to jump into something I'll regret. I don't think the second girl would ever marry me, but the point is I miss that energy I don't have with the first girl. I love her, we have a connection I don't want to lose, but she has made it confusing and difficult to manage my desires by not wanting to be intimate at all, or marry me.

Any advice in this complicated situation?
 

Who Me

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have a Christian friend, and she wants to remain unmarried but wants me to be close to her and grow old together as friends. Already this is kind of complicated, yes? No intimacy allowed, and yet I would hurt, and she would hurt, very badly if we "broke up" from this, because we care for each other a lot.

Can you clarify please just what is meant by,' be close', is she proposing that you be good friends who see each other often, but live apart, or is she proposing that you live together like brother and sister in the same house?


There is nothing wrong with either idea, except for your desire to, at some point to get married.

I think you need to talk to her and clarify the situation. Neither of you can fire tell the future, either of you could meet and marry your partner.

So any understanding you both have, at this stage in your lives has to be very fluid.

Be her ' friend ' but not to the extent that every spare moment is spent with her.
I would strongly suggest that you do not share accommodation or attend the same church.
Set boundaries so you are able to have a life apart from her.

If after twenty years you are both unmarried and likely to remain so, then you could talk about a different arrangement, possible sharing a house, etc

May I also suggest finding out about her background, family, previous relationship with boyfriends and close girlfriends.
How would her family view you as a nonsexual boyfriend?

Lastly what sort of work is she doing? Is she looking for a sugar daddy to pay her bills in exchange for a platonic friendship.
If you want more advice talk to the pastor of her church.
 

Fastfredy0

2022 Supporter
From
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Unless you will be more content of the conditions set out by the first gal than you could potentially and reasonably be with another woman ... I would move on to 2nd (3rd, 4th) woman.
(Short term pain, long term gain).

Besides, if it doesn't work with potential 'next woman', I don't see why you couldn't go back to first woman (you may even go back with more bargaining power).
 

Shema

CF Ambassador
From
Lagos
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I have a Christian friend, and she wants to remain unmarried but wants me to be close to her and grow old together as friends. Already this is kind of complicated, yes? No intimacy allowed, and yet I would hurt, and she would hurt, very badly if we "broke up" from this, because we care for each other a lot. Within the last few months I have been praying a lot about this relationship. I'm not sure how to handle it, because I do have desires (and she knows, I've told her) to marry and have a normal relationship with someone someday. If she was excited about me again as we were when we met, I wouldn't be wanting someone else. I have another friend who I simply have a crush on at this point, and she has been really nice to me. But I'm being very careful because I need guidance and I don't' want to jump into something I'll regret. I don't think the second girl would ever marry me, but the point is I miss that energy I don't have with the first girl. I love her, we have a connection I don't want to lose, but she has made it confusing and difficult to manage my desires by not wanting to be intimate at all, or marry me.

Any advice in this complicated situation?
I love when you said that you don't want to regret your actions in future.

Ephesians 6:6 says not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart,

What does eyeservice mean?
What does men-pleasers mean
And what does doing the will of God from heart mean?
 
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I love when you said that you don't want to regret your actions in future.

Ephesians 6:6 says not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart,

What does eyeservice mean?
What does men-pleasers mean
And what does doing the will of God from heart mean?
I'm not seeing any eyeservice/men-pleasing going on in this situation... where do you see me doing this?
 

Hopeful

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From
Arizona
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I have a Christian friend, and she wants to remain unmarried but wants me to be close to her and grow old together as friends. Already this is kind of complicated, yes? No intimacy allowed, and yet I would hurt, and she would hurt, very badly if we "broke up" from this, because we care for each other a lot. Within the last few months I have been praying a lot about this relationship. I'm not sure how to handle it, because I do have desires (and she knows, I've told her) to marry and have a normal relationship with someone someday. If she was excited about me again as we were when we met, I wouldn't be wanting someone else. I have another friend who I simply have a crush on at this point, and she has been really nice to me. But I'm being very careful because I need guidance and I don't' want to jump into something I'll regret. I don't think the second girl would ever marry me, but the point is I miss that energy I don't have with the first girl. I love her, we have a connection I don't want to lose, but she has made it confusing and difficult to manage my desires by not wanting to be intimate at all, or marry me.

Any advice in this complicated situation?
If you desire this woman #1 as a wife, and she doesn't feel the same way...take the hint and move on.
 

Shema

CF Ambassador
From
Lagos
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I'm not seeing any eyeservice/men-pleasing going on in this situation... where do you see me doing this?
You will hurt and she will hurt if you broke up while you marry someone for the rest of your life without intimacy. But you do have desires.

That's simply eye service or men pleasing?
 

Bob Carabbio

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From
Glenn Heights, TX
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I have a Christian friend, and she wants to remain unmarried but wants me to be close to her and grow old together as friends.
SO - remain friends - what's the problem. Is she a control Freak??? Seems like it's HER WAY with NO consideration for you, and she's into domination (Never a good thing).
Any advice in this complicated situation?
Break it off, and get on with life. There are Normal people out there.
 

for_his_glory

Fight the good fight of faith
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I've heard of many situations where a male and female just want to be close friends enjoying each others company and go do things together as friends. In order for this to be reality is that both have the same desire to never want to be married and just enjoy each others company.

I believe you do want to be married someday and if not to this lady then someone else, but this will affect the close friendship relationship, especially if she is dominating the relationship you both have and doesn't want you to ever get married, but give her your full attention. I would say the two of you need to sit and openly talk about this and see where she really stands on the issue and her expectations of the future with both of you.
 

Edward

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I don't know the girl so could be wrong. But I've seen this situation before and my outsiders opinion that I got from them was that..

She wants the benefits of having a husband (remain close friends etc.,) and all of the advantages of a husband, but the man's deal is not as good because he was not getting the benefits of having a Wife. So I seen the situation as unfair to the man.

But I wouldn't be so quick to dump her as other posters have suggested. Just be patient and wait on the Lord's timing in this. Pray about it to the Lord, continue to talk to the girl ab0ut it.

Don't feel guilty about having desire for the girl. The Lord commanded us to be fruitful and multiply, so it's in your DNA to be attracted to her and have desires.

She sounds scared, and that is ok because it indicates that she does not want to be outside of the will of the Lord. Scripture says seek and hold to the Lord above all else and that includes you & her's love for each other. So it's a little convoluted, but...it is what it is. The only way to beat this and remain in the will of the Lord is to approach the Lord together with her in prayer and ask that His will be done. The Lord must be first and foremost in your relationship between you & your (wife).

Good luck Brother.
 

Ziggy

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Maine, USA
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After 10 years of marriage, I was told by the man I married that he prefered a platonic relationship.
I didn't even know what that meant so I had to look it up.

What Is a Platonic Relationship?​

A platonic relationship is one in which people share a close bond but do not have a sexual relationship. The concept originates in the ideas of the ancient philosopher Plato, from whose name the term is derived. Where Plato believed this type of love could bring people closer to a divine ideal, the modern use of the term is focused on the idea of people being close friends.

I asked if he had always felt this way and he said he did.

All I can offer is,
at least she is being honest in the beginning rather than going through a relationship where two people's expectations are different.
Needless to say, I am not married anymore.
Not because we don't care about each other. But the very foundation of our relationship was built on a misunderstanding.

In my opinion,
it is always best when both are in agreement before beginning a long term and legally binding relationship.

Hope this helps
Patience will open a door for you.
Hugs
 

Prycejosh1987

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From
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838
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Jul 28, 2020
I have a Christian friend, and she wants to remain unmarried but wants me to be close to her and grow old together as friends.
My life is littered with these kind of relationships. As i have become older i see a relationship as an incentive. Its not highly important to me. Friends is good but in these kind of relationships one or the other tends to want more, but not being able to get past the friends zone is a big headache. Its also a headache trying to get past the friends zone.
 

Dorothy Mae

Preterist Overseer
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Europe
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I have a Christian friend, and she wants to remain unmarried but wants me to be close to her and grow old together as friends. Already this is kind of complicated, yes? No intimacy allowed, and yet I would hurt, and she would hurt, very badly if we "broke up" from this, because we care for each other a lot. Within the last few months I have been praying a lot about this relationship. I'm not sure how to handle it, because I do have desires (and she knows, I've told her) to marry and have a normal relationship with someone someday. If she was excited about me again as we were when we met, I wouldn't be wanting someone else. I have another friend who I simply have a crush on at this point, and she has been really nice to me. But I'm being very careful because I need guidance and I don't' want to jump into something I'll regret. I don't think the second girl would ever marry me, but the point is I miss that energy I don't have with the first girl. I love her, we have a connection I don't want to lose, but she has made it confusing and difficult to manage my desires by not wanting to be intimate at all, or marry me.

Any advice in this complicated situation?
I gather you love her and probably would marry her, but she doesn’t want this. It sounds like it.

If all continues through life and both remain single, there can be that closeness as friends.

However, if either of you find a life partner, the friendship must dramatically change if not end entirely. She is being naive if she thinks you can be life long friends as the marriage commitment will require the one married “to forsake ALL others” especially of the opposite sex.

I can predict pain for one or the other. The easiest way through it is to ask God what you as the leader of the relationship ought to do. There is great blessing on obeying God for all concerned.
 

T. E. Smith

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You will hurt and she will hurt if you broke up while you marry someone for the rest of your life without intimacy. But you do have desires.

That's simply eye service or men pleasing?
Old post, but caring about other people is not eye-service or man-pleasing.
 

Edward

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Just guessing but I bet your not a member very long, lol.
 

Edward

2022 Supporter
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21 messages in 15 minutes and all of them about porn?

Look! He's marked himself Christian!
 
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