My father became a pastor three years before I was born and pastored until my 30th birthday. For most of my adult life, I never intended to become a pastor. I loved the church (or, more accurately, I had a love/hate relationship with it), but I preferred to love it from the pew rather than the pulpit or the office. Then, somewhat unexpectedly, God called me to pastoral ministry in my mid-30s. And I have loved it.
I write the following from the perspective of a PK (Pastor’s Kid) and a pastor who is the parent of two teenagers.
For context, PKs regularly feel tension between the ministerial call on their parents and the need for a relational parent. They know pastoral ministry is a call of God, so they think they can’t resent their father’s vocation, nor do they want to impose on it. Also, that tension exists because, frankly, sometimes, we pastors try to lead their homes the way they lead a church. They forget the primary calling on their lives is to their families – to love, raise, nurture, and disciple them. And that calls for a different relationship with different dynamics than leading a church.
PKs need their parents more than they need their parents as pastors. They need conversations more than sermons. They need a patient listener more than stern advice. They need a faithful presence more than a discipleship program. While this may sound like a lovely aspiration, how can pastors (and their spouses) do this? Here are seven questions pastors can ask to help bridge the gap between their ministry and their children.
Just be blunt. Be bold and ask. You might not like the answer, but it will likely peel away a façade you didn’t know existed. This could be the precursor to conversations about identity, pressure, expectations, legalism, and a heap of stuff that can skew a PK’s perspective on Jesus, the church, and grace.
Cue venting, ranting, and possibly tears. Many PKs have pent-up frustration (maybe even rage) at the competing expectations they often feel obliged to meet. Expectations to be, do, not do – they pile high and deep. By asking, you are lancing an angry boil and applying a soothing salve of listening and empathy.
Now you get to the next layer. It is relatively easy for PKs to vent about those people outside the family. But can your kids say the same about you and how you hold them to an unfair standard? Or maybe you don’t hold them to an unfair standard at all. Perhaps they don’t understand why their life differs from others or why they can’t do certain things. Either way, this is an opportunity to sort through some tangled, complicated, painful stuff. To do that, you must be humbly willing to admit any fault.
Now that you’re here, what’s a little more vulnerability? You’re now asking your kids to help you be a better parent (and pastor). They know you inside and out. They see you every day. They know when you’re full of garbage. Let them call you on it. Apologize. Ask for forgiveness. And repent. You will all be better for it.
Listen with open ears and a discerning mind to this answer. Your kids know what you want to hear and will default to that. They know what they are supposed to believe and what you teach each week, and they will parrot that. Don’t assume that what they say first is what they truly believe. Don’t assume they know what they believe. Prod a little. Massage the conversation. Don’t interview or cross-examine. Don’t frown or challenge. Again, listen and understand. Don’t teach or lecture (you do that for 40 minutes every Sunday and probably a few other times too). Tell them what Jesus means to you and how He’s changed your life. Tell them about the hard times you’ve had following Jesus. Make Jesus a God-Man worth having a relationship with, not just the subject of a sermon.
Be patient. They might not want to answer this at first. But if they have seen you admit fault and humbly ask for forgiveness, then it will be easier. Lead with your weaknesses and create an easier context for them to be honest. Then remember that the best correction isn’t anger, and don’t look down on them. Be patient and point upward.
This is the crux of the whole deal: relationship and affection. All the other questions will dry up if your kids don’t like you. Kids want nothing more than simply to be with you and to do fun stuff. Spend time doing what they love. Invite them to do what you love. Just be with them. It creates an environment that bolsters safety and trust. It’s in these contexts that the best conversations start and flourish. And your kids can thrive too.
These questions are only helpful if your children feel safe being honest and vulnerable. They need to know that you are OK with being vulnerable, too. So maybe that is the starting point – permit your kids to speak freely (even if things get a little ugly). PKs often suppress and bottle up their true feelings and frustrations because talking to them feels like a moral failure. It’s as if they are resisting God in some way. As parents, we must show them humbly and gently that it is safe and good to talk through their doubts, fears, frustrations, anger, and hurt. Then we can shock and comfort them when we say, “I get it. I’ve felt that way, too. Here’s how the Lord has helped me.”
The post Questions to Help Pastors Connect with Their Kids appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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I write the following from the perspective of a PK (Pastor’s Kid) and a pastor who is the parent of two teenagers.
For context, PKs regularly feel tension between the ministerial call on their parents and the need for a relational parent. They know pastoral ministry is a call of God, so they think they can’t resent their father’s vocation, nor do they want to impose on it. Also, that tension exists because, frankly, sometimes, we pastors try to lead their homes the way they lead a church. They forget the primary calling on their lives is to their families – to love, raise, nurture, and disciple them. And that calls for a different relationship with different dynamics than leading a church.
PKs need their parents more than they need their parents as pastors. They need conversations more than sermons. They need a patient listener more than stern advice. They need a faithful presence more than a discipleship program. While this may sound like a lovely aspiration, how can pastors (and their spouses) do this? Here are seven questions pastors can ask to help bridge the gap between their ministry and their children.
1. Ask your children, “Do you feel like you’re different from other kids your age because of what I do?”
Just be blunt. Be bold and ask. You might not like the answer, but it will likely peel away a façade you didn’t know existed. This could be the precursor to conversations about identity, pressure, expectations, legalism, and a heap of stuff that can skew a PK’s perspective on Jesus, the church, and grace.
2. Ask, “What kind of expectations do you feel people put on you because you’re a PK?”
Cue venting, ranting, and possibly tears. Many PKs have pent-up frustration (maybe even rage) at the competing expectations they often feel obliged to meet. Expectations to be, do, not do – they pile high and deep. By asking, you are lancing an angry boil and applying a soothing salve of listening and empathy.
3. Ask, “Do you feel like I expect anything unfair from you as a PK?”
Now you get to the next layer. It is relatively easy for PKs to vent about those people outside the family. But can your kids say the same about you and how you hold them to an unfair standard? Or maybe you don’t hold them to an unfair standard at all. Perhaps they don’t understand why their life differs from others or why they can’t do certain things. Either way, this is an opportunity to sort through some tangled, complicated, painful stuff. To do that, you must be humbly willing to admit any fault.
4. Ask, “Do you think I act the same and treat people the same at home as I do at church?”
Now that you’re here, what’s a little more vulnerability? You’re now asking your kids to help you be a better parent (and pastor). They know you inside and out. They see you every day. They know when you’re full of garbage. Let them call you on it. Apologize. Ask for forgiveness. And repent. You will all be better for it.
5. Ask, “Who is Jesus to you? What does He mean to you?”
Listen with open ears and a discerning mind to this answer. Your kids know what you want to hear and will default to that. They know what they are supposed to believe and what you teach each week, and they will parrot that. Don’t assume that what they say first is what they truly believe. Don’t assume they know what they believe. Prod a little. Massage the conversation. Don’t interview or cross-examine. Don’t frown or challenge. Again, listen and understand. Don’t teach or lecture (you do that for 40 minutes every Sunday and probably a few other times too). Tell them what Jesus means to you and how He’s changed your life. Tell them about the hard times you’ve had following Jesus. Make Jesus a God-Man worth having a relationship with, not just the subject of a sermon.
6. Ask, “Is there anything you’re struggling with?”
Be patient. They might not want to answer this at first. But if they have seen you admit fault and humbly ask for forgiveness, then it will be easier. Lead with your weaknesses and create an easier context for them to be honest. Then remember that the best correction isn’t anger, and don’t look down on them. Be patient and point upward.
7. Finally, ask, “Do you want to go get ice cream? (Or play catch, or grab a coffee, or see a movie, or ride bikes, or . . .)”
This is the crux of the whole deal: relationship and affection. All the other questions will dry up if your kids don’t like you. Kids want nothing more than simply to be with you and to do fun stuff. Spend time doing what they love. Invite them to do what you love. Just be with them. It creates an environment that bolsters safety and trust. It’s in these contexts that the best conversations start and flourish. And your kids can thrive too.
A last word for ministry parents:
These questions are only helpful if your children feel safe being honest and vulnerable. They need to know that you are OK with being vulnerable, too. So maybe that is the starting point – permit your kids to speak freely (even if things get a little ugly). PKs often suppress and bottle up their true feelings and frustrations because talking to them feels like a moral failure. It’s as if they are resisting God in some way. As parents, we must show them humbly and gently that it is safe and good to talk through their doubts, fears, frustrations, anger, and hurt. Then we can shock and comfort them when we say, “I get it. I’ve felt that way, too. Here’s how the Lord has helped me.”
The post Questions to Help Pastors Connect with Their Kids appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...