Christ_empowered
Member
OK. another prayer request, praise report, piecing it all together post...
I -had- a 95 IQ, on a good day. That means a bit below average, plus I had all kinds of obvious brain damage, mostly from involuntary psychiatric "Treatment," although...to be fair, I also did my fair share of pills, drugs, etc. So, no; I wasn't blameless.
I -was- homely, maybe even ugly. Its all a blur, now (thanks, shock treatments, lol). In the world, being an "Ugly flamer" might actually be worse than being an ugly woman, especially when you're poor and stigmatized, as I was.
I -did- have very, very serious health problems. Again; the whole thing is a blur. Skin problems, dental problems, immune system problems, nutritional deficits...not good.
I -did- meet the criteria for "personality disorder," especially NPD, narcissistic personality disorder. I was also in my late teens and very early 20s, so...whoa. I was a hot mess, basically. Immaturity+drugs+health problems+what might have actually been the early(ish) stages of "severe mental illness"=not fun.
And now...
5 years into my Walk with The Lord, I have a "High(er) IQ estimate." I don't know what to make of the very concept of IQ. I mean, low IQ vs high IQ, I can see major differences...but what's the difference between 120 and 130s? 130s and 140s?
I"m somehow -not- homely. People around me talk about my parents "wasting more money" on getting my face improved, "chemical peels," etc. None of its true, of course. I don't know why The Lord would go this far, to make a "Homely flamer" into a healthy, remarkably normal man, but...I -am- thankful, of course.
I"m remarkably physically healthy. 0 premature aging, 0 major health problems...even my lifelong allergies are vastly improved, lol.
And...no more "personality disorder," but then again...everything in Mental Health, Inc. is -so- subjective. When I breezed into my 1st shrink's office, age 18, I was a cocky, short, 120 IQ flamer w/ some problems going on. Now? I'm 33, not so cocky, reasonable height, not a flamer, and I think the IQ estimate is now in the 130s (again: what does that -really- mean?). And...
my official label, of course, is "Bipolar I," of the more severe persuasion. I take a tranquilizer (those are obviously standard for Schizophrenia) and a mood drug. Boom. Done.
So...now...well, healings, miracles, etc., are wonderful and...really...I needed The Lord and His work in my life, I did and I do, and I always will, but...
now, I get the sense that its time to grow up a bit more, and figure out...the kind of life I can have, realistically. I read somewhere that The Lord still works miracles, in part to build faith, and...that seems a reasonable explanation, to me. I believe now, because of what I've been shown. I love Christ because He first loved me (true of all Christians, of course...).
Its just...well, because I was low status, because I "messed up," because...all these factors and others combined....people went nuclear on me. I was even attacked (bashed on the head w/ a pipe), 10 years ago, before the 2nd (and thankfully, -last-) mental hospitalization. That -was- me, before I got saved, before The Lord moved mightily in all aspects of my life...
"the dregs of society." Expendable, to the max. "Victim of poor life choices," or...something like that.
So...now...I Praise God for His infinite mercy, kindness, love, and goodness. Even...his justice, which, in my case...was slanted towards rehabilitaiton, then restoration. He causes all things to come together for the good of those who are called.
At the same time....I pray for guidance and grace as I continue maturing in Christ. I have an easy, comfortable, safe, quiet life now, here with my parents. But, many times...I don't even have to leave my room to hear "what people 'round here feel about YOU," stuff like that. I've prayed forgiveness for my fear of man and I've prayed for more and more of the perfect love that casteth out all fear, its just...
I have horrible psych records that might very well follow me wherever I go, may very well outlive me. Fun fact; I've had better experiences w/ the legal system than with those "compassionate professionals" of Mental Health, Inc. And yet...
now, I receive disability. I'm taking a class. My parents and I have reconciled. There is peace, here, where before there was tension, anger, bitterness, resentment, wrath, all kinds of stuff.
"In the world, but not of it." "Wise as serpents, innocent as doves." Take up your plow and push forward. Forgive 70x7, just as surely as I"ve been forgiven a massive debt.
One day at a time...
Thanks.
I -had- a 95 IQ, on a good day. That means a bit below average, plus I had all kinds of obvious brain damage, mostly from involuntary psychiatric "Treatment," although...to be fair, I also did my fair share of pills, drugs, etc. So, no; I wasn't blameless.
I -was- homely, maybe even ugly. Its all a blur, now (thanks, shock treatments, lol). In the world, being an "Ugly flamer" might actually be worse than being an ugly woman, especially when you're poor and stigmatized, as I was.
I -did- have very, very serious health problems. Again; the whole thing is a blur. Skin problems, dental problems, immune system problems, nutritional deficits...not good.
I -did- meet the criteria for "personality disorder," especially NPD, narcissistic personality disorder. I was also in my late teens and very early 20s, so...whoa. I was a hot mess, basically. Immaturity+drugs+health problems+what might have actually been the early(ish) stages of "severe mental illness"=not fun.
And now...
5 years into my Walk with The Lord, I have a "High(er) IQ estimate." I don't know what to make of the very concept of IQ. I mean, low IQ vs high IQ, I can see major differences...but what's the difference between 120 and 130s? 130s and 140s?
I"m somehow -not- homely. People around me talk about my parents "wasting more money" on getting my face improved, "chemical peels," etc. None of its true, of course. I don't know why The Lord would go this far, to make a "Homely flamer" into a healthy, remarkably normal man, but...I -am- thankful, of course.
I"m remarkably physically healthy. 0 premature aging, 0 major health problems...even my lifelong allergies are vastly improved, lol.
And...no more "personality disorder," but then again...everything in Mental Health, Inc. is -so- subjective. When I breezed into my 1st shrink's office, age 18, I was a cocky, short, 120 IQ flamer w/ some problems going on. Now? I'm 33, not so cocky, reasonable height, not a flamer, and I think the IQ estimate is now in the 130s (again: what does that -really- mean?). And...
my official label, of course, is "Bipolar I," of the more severe persuasion. I take a tranquilizer (those are obviously standard for Schizophrenia) and a mood drug. Boom. Done.
So...now...well, healings, miracles, etc., are wonderful and...really...I needed The Lord and His work in my life, I did and I do, and I always will, but...
now, I get the sense that its time to grow up a bit more, and figure out...the kind of life I can have, realistically. I read somewhere that The Lord still works miracles, in part to build faith, and...that seems a reasonable explanation, to me. I believe now, because of what I've been shown. I love Christ because He first loved me (true of all Christians, of course...).
Its just...well, because I was low status, because I "messed up," because...all these factors and others combined....people went nuclear on me. I was even attacked (bashed on the head w/ a pipe), 10 years ago, before the 2nd (and thankfully, -last-) mental hospitalization. That -was- me, before I got saved, before The Lord moved mightily in all aspects of my life...
"the dregs of society." Expendable, to the max. "Victim of poor life choices," or...something like that.
So...now...I Praise God for His infinite mercy, kindness, love, and goodness. Even...his justice, which, in my case...was slanted towards rehabilitaiton, then restoration. He causes all things to come together for the good of those who are called.
At the same time....I pray for guidance and grace as I continue maturing in Christ. I have an easy, comfortable, safe, quiet life now, here with my parents. But, many times...I don't even have to leave my room to hear "what people 'round here feel about YOU," stuff like that. I've prayed forgiveness for my fear of man and I've prayed for more and more of the perfect love that casteth out all fear, its just...
I have horrible psych records that might very well follow me wherever I go, may very well outlive me. Fun fact; I've had better experiences w/ the legal system than with those "compassionate professionals" of Mental Health, Inc. And yet...
now, I receive disability. I'm taking a class. My parents and I have reconciled. There is peace, here, where before there was tension, anger, bitterness, resentment, wrath, all kinds of stuff.
"In the world, but not of it." "Wise as serpents, innocent as doves." Take up your plow and push forward. Forgive 70x7, just as surely as I"ve been forgiven a massive debt.
One day at a time...
Thanks.