[__ Prayer __] small town pariah

[Christ_empowered]

me, yet again.

OK. Overall, The Lord has moved, and (thankfully) is moving in all aspects of my life. I am increasingly thankful (that alone is a miracle).

I was pumping gas today, and some women a couple pumps over were talking about me "having warrants" and how "men couldn't handle him," etc. Small town stuff. Basically, long story short...I was, once upon a time, a flamboyantly gay, sickly, prideful teenager with an IQ of about 120. My parents had been working class when I was born, by that point that were in "respectable" territory. I was destroyed by sin, satan, self, death, and the world fairly quickly. I "get it," now; its like Verna will say now and then, "Satan has a field day weaklings." Thing is...

....at this point, I'll soon turn 33 years old, God willing. I was fully expected to be dead by 23 from any number of causes. The Lord saved me (miracle!) 4 1/2 years ago. I am now: masculine, healthy, taller, far less prideful and consumed with self-love, and my IQ estimate is apparently a bit higher now. I don't think IQ really means all that much, unless you're very high or very low, but...people with severe brain damage from psychiatric "treatment" don't generally have IQs as high as mine. I certainly didn't, until The Lord moved in my life.

OK. Thankfully, this time, I handled it fairly well. I had to buy something else, so I went in, overheard them talking, paid cash, came back out, and pumped gas. Ugh. At least at this point people are keeping their voices down a little bit...that's considerably better than the way things were around here for while there. At one point, I was shopping in Aldi, and some redneck-y dude stood off the side and made sexual comments and said "Dr.() says HE AINT A MAN NO MORE!," etc. No lie, this is the South, and this is apparently how "passed around f@ggots are treated." Oh, that and I clearly made doctors angry when I filed a medical board complaint against a shrink who got me hooked on benzodiazepines as a teenager.

OK. So, Verna put a nugget in my mind today: "Satan will have a field day with your life for as long as you'll let him." I realize now I certainly had problems, I needed compassion, I needed guidance, but...like every other sinner, I needed Jesus. What I got was total destruction thru my own sins and psychiatry. And now...

well, I do now think God's work in my life could be filed under "miracle," but...hey, guess what? When a despised, stigmatized, brain damaged, deviant flamer gets saved and made (remarkably, increasingly) whole, one should --not-- expect a parade or any sort of affirmation from the world in general, especially this community. At this point, people routinely yell all kinds of nasty stuff at me in the neighborhood and laugh about stuff, saying things that are definitely not true. And yet...

God is good! I realize now that I was very, very much in and of the world, a weakling like no other, utterly destroyed and limping along (and that only by God's grace and mercy). Right now, I'm living with my kind, generous, long suffering, loving parents...and The Lord has willed a reconciliation. That was --not-- going to happen by any worldly means. For a while there, my mother was openly hostile, and she'd make comments under her breath about my weight and getting me put into a state hospital. Ouch.

By God's grace, I am a New Creation in Christ Jesus, at all levels. My cousin sent me an email once in which he wrote to get my eyes fixed on Christ, and Him crucified. I've prayed for that, and The Lord is making it happen for me. Clearly, I'm very much a work-in-progress, very much in need of daily guidance, forgiveness, grace, mercy, all sorts of thing....I'm also much more dependent on my parents than I'd like to be, but...hey, I was fully expected to be dead by 23 years old. I missed out on a lot because of sin, satan, self, death and the world, and its only God's love and mercy that saw me thru to getting saved and forgiven, and its The Sweetness of The Lord that has changed me and my life ever since.

OK. I guess this is a bit of a ramble, something of a rant, maybe a tad of a...reflection, maybe? You don't really "get better" from anything with heavy psychiatric "treatment;" you just shut up, which I'm beginning to think was really the point, the whole time. Now, I'm healthy and smart enough and....transformed, from in the inside out, thank God!

I do ask that those of you who pray for my family and me keep on praying. I do --not-- understand what's going on with people around here, or why there's talk now and then of prison and warrants, etc. In my case, when I ended up in legal trouble, my parents got me a lawyer. I am blessed...I got saved on bond, and I ended up with a (serious) misdemeanor. I've been released from probation early, so...at this point, I'm not --as-- frightened when stuff like this comes my way, but its still...disconcerting, of course.

Thanks for your ongoing prayers, replies, support, etc.

 

[AirDancer]

Prayers continue for you, your family, and of course Verna, Christ_empowered

 

[Zackuth]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles and I'll keep you in m prayers. Unfortunately, people, Christian and non-Christian both, will talk and usually only about the bad things. It doesn't matter what you do all they care about is what you have done. All you can do is forgive them, even though they have not forgiven you, and pray for them, even though they are not praying for you.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thank you both. I --am-- sorry to bring all my problems to this part of the forum so frequently. I am very, very much a work-in-progress. I obviously had a sinful, miserable existence before Jesus saved me (miracle!), so these past 4 1/2 years of being forgiven, saved+set free, washed and made clean have been...interesting. Difficult at times. Challenging.

I've read that everything a Christian goes thru in life is "Father-filtered." I pondered that a bit yesterday, and I'm actually finding that the idea is sinking in better, now (Praise God!). I'm not going to pretend to know the Mind of God, but I am beginning to think that He has willed that I go thru some things, with my parents behind me and Jesus in control of the whole situation, for my own betterment, my parents' benefit, and for God's glory, as well.

OK. I've also prayed that God will get my eyes fixed on Christ, and Him crucified. I have a sense that He is making that come to pass, which is a major blessing for my family and for me.

Thanks again for the replies, support, and prayers. Oh, and welcome to CFnet, Zackuth.

 

[Zackuth]

Thanks for the welcome Christ Empowered.
There was a TV show about 20 years ago called Babylon 5. In one episode a group of hostile aliens were attacking the 5 space station and two men were talking about the situation and God and one man commented it was comforting to know God won't put more on your shoulders than you can handle. The second man said "Maybe that is what all this (the attack) was about, growing bigger shoulders".

 

[MaryKate]

God bless you and your kindness towards me and know you're in my prayers <3

 

[banded butterfly]

God gave you that opportunity to realize right before your eyes that there were two women in your town who desperately need prayers. Because they are gossips and worse.
Small towns are often populated with those who have small minds. They are not your problem. You are created in the image and likeness of the greatest most creative power in all existence. No one can ever say anything that takes that away from you. Though they can speak loudly enough intending you to hear so that you know, those speakers are not aware of that. Or of the God that is that.

Remember Jesus and what He said of Himself?

Mark 6:4-6
4But Jesus, said unto them, A prophet is not without honour, but in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house.5 And he could there do no mighty work, save that he laid his hands upon a few sick folk, and healed them.6 And he marvelled because of their unbelief. And he went round about the villages, teaching.

God led you to reconciliation with your parents in your own home town. Why not ask Him and trust Him to lead you away from there if it be His will? Or, a really great solution to what you encountered in those two women? Next time, God forbid there is however, in the event there is a next time, consider shopping at Dollar Tree and pick up a bunch of copies of the New Testament to store in your car. At a dollar a piece it is a great investment. When you hear gossips like that speaking loud enough that they want you to hear and feel bad, just reach in your car and get a copy for each one gossiping. And walk over and with the loving life of Christ behind your smile say something to them like, you're speaking of the fallen sinner I use to be. Why not read this and become a new creation in Christ the Lord as I did?
*hand the New Testaments toward the speakers*

I shall certainly hold you and yours in my prayers.

You'll be amazed at what they have to say in private about you after that one. And, you could help God's work in saving souls.

 

[Politico]

me, yet again.

OK. Overall, The Lord has moved, and (thankfully) is moving in all aspects of my life. I am increasingly thankful (that alone is a miracle).

I was pumping gas today, and some women a couple pumps over were talking about me "having warrants" and how "men couldn't handle him," etc. Small town stuff. Basically, long story short...I was, once upon a time, a flamboyantly gay, sickly, prideful teenager with an IQ of about 120. My parents had been working class when I was born, by that point that were in "respectable" territory. I was destroyed by sin, satan, self, death, and the world fairly quickly. I "get it," now; its like Verna will say now and then, "Satan has a field day weaklings." Thing is...

....at this point, I'll soon turn 33 years old, God willing. I was fully expected to be dead by 23 from any number of causes. The Lord saved me (miracle!) 4 1/2 years ago. I am now: masculine, healthy, taller, far less prideful and consumed with self-love, and my IQ estimate is apparently a bit higher now. I don't think IQ really means all that much, unless you're very high or very low, but...people with severe brain damage from psychiatric "treatment" don't generally have IQs as high as mine. I certainly didn't, until The Lord moved in my life.

OK. Thankfully, this time, I handled it fairly well. I had to buy something else, so I went in, overheard them talking, paid cash, came back out, and pumped gas. Ugh. At least at this point people are keeping their voices down a little bit...that's considerably better than the way things were around here for while there. At one point, I was shopping in Aldi, and some redneck-y dude stood off the side and made sexual comments and said "Dr.() says HE AINT A MAN NO MORE!," etc. No lie, this is the South, and this is apparently how "passed around f@ggots are treated." Oh, that and I clearly made doctors angry when I filed a medical board complaint against a shrink who got me hooked on benzodiazepines as a teenager.

OK. So, Verna put a nugget in my mind today: "Satan will have a field day with your life for as long as you'll let him." I realize now I certainly had problems, I needed compassion, I needed guidance, but...like every other sinner, I needed Jesus. What I got was total destruction thru my own sins and psychiatry. And now...

well, I do now think God's work in my life could be filed under "miracle," but...hey, guess what? When a despised, stigmatized, brain damaged, deviant flamer gets saved and made (remarkably, increasingly) whole, one should --not-- expect a parade or any sort of affirmation from the world in general, especially this community. At this point, people routinely yell all kinds of nasty stuff at me in the neighborhood and laugh about stuff, saying things that are definitely not true. And yet...

God is good! I realize now that I was very, very much in and of the world, a weakling like no other, utterly destroyed and limping along (and that only by God's grace and mercy). Right now, I'm living with my kind, generous, long suffering, loving parents...and The Lord has willed a reconciliation. That was --not-- going to happen by any worldly means. For a while there, my mother was openly hostile, and she'd make comments under her breath about my weight and getting me put into a state hospital. Ouch.

By God's grace, I am a New Creation in Christ Jesus, at all levels. My cousin sent me an email once in which he wrote to get my eyes fixed on Christ, and Him crucified. I've prayed for that, and The Lord is making it happen for me. Clearly, I'm very much a work-in-progress, very much in need of daily guidance, forgiveness, grace, mercy, all sorts of thing....I'm also much more dependent on my parents than I'd like to be, but...hey, I was fully expected to be dead by 23 years old. I missed out on a lot because of sin, satan, self, death and the world, and its only God's love and mercy that saw me thru to getting saved and forgiven, and its The Sweetness of The Lord that has changed me and my life ever since.

OK. I guess this is a bit of a ramble, something of a rant, maybe a tad of a...reflection, maybe? You don't really "get better" from anything with heavy psychiatric "treatment;" you just shut up, which I'm beginning to think was really the point, the whole time. Now, I'm healthy and smart enough and....transformed, from in the inside out, thank God!

I do ask that those of you who pray for my family and me keep on praying. I do --not-- understand what's going on with people around here, or why there's talk now and then of prison and warrants, etc. In my case, when I ended up in legal trouble, my parents got me a lawyer. I am blessed...I got saved on bond, and I ended up with a (serious) misdemeanor. I've been released from probation early, so...at this point, I'm not --as-- frightened when stuff like this comes my way, but its still...disconcerting, of course.

Thanks for your ongoing prayers, replies, support, etc.

Praying.

Thanks for sharing.

New beginnings; New Day. Every day can be a new beginning. If you suffer a set-back, brush yourself off and say, "hey, its new beginning." Hold up your left hand say, "this is what I am feeling--and it does not feel very good." Then hold up your right hand and say, "this is what I know to be true. I will not be ruled by feelings. I will stand fast in what which I know to be true."

2 Corinthians 3:18 But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.

Hebrews 12:2 looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks.

politico...

--good point-- !!! It really --isn't-- all about how I feel, is it? I just don't know where to go, what to do. I cannot work around here. When I moved to another state, I have reason to believe that my info ("experts' opinions" and such) somehow followed me. No, I'm not being paranoid...rough times...

And yet, through it all: God is good!

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

 

[Politico]

thanks.

politico...

--good point-- !!! It really --isn't-- all about how I feel, is it? I just don't know where to go, what to do. I cannot work around here. When I moved to another state, I have reason to believe that my info ("experts' opinions" and such) somehow followed me. No, I'm not being paranoid...rough times...

And yet, through it all: God is good!

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

Sorry for any misunderstanding. I did not mean to imply that it is all about how you feel. In case you might have misunderstood my post in any way. I posted what I did just in case you should fell overwhelmed my negative feelings.

Do you have any Christians that can pray with you in person?

It is always good to be reminded of the fact that God is in the business of turning all of our past errors and sins into strengths that further his kingdom and bring Him glory. Remember the story of King mannesseh. ( 2 Kings 21:1–18 and 2 Chronicles 32:33–33:20) God did not just forgive that prior mass-murderer; He set the man back up as leader of His people! If God will do that for a repentant mass-murderer, then just imagine what he is wiling to do for you. (And no, I am not implying that you have committed grievous sins).

If God would part the Red Sea for a bunch of Israelites, among which the majority knew not God, then He will part the figurative sea to make a way for you.

 

[Christ_empowered]

hi. me again.

Politico...

I really did (and do) appreciate your replies. I see that we're not on the same page in terms of ideology and such (that happens, lol), but you strike me as a solid, well-grounded Christian, so your prayers+replies+support are quite helpful to me, and I appreciate your input.

Your latest post hit a chord with me...about God using one's past sins and weaknesses in constructive, good ways, in building a whole new person in Christ. I've only been genuinely, truly saved 4 1/2 years (and that by a miracle), and now...well, 4 1/2 years isn't a whole long time, but now I've been saved+forgiven long enough to see some of God's handy work in my life, and I see your point. God is good!

Honestly, I think part of my problem is that I spent waaaay too much time in various forms of Mental Health (Inc.) "treatment." Ugh. God's made good of that for me, already, in a number of ways, but...the whole deal with counseling, psychotherapy, psychiatry, etc. is that you look inward and reflect, all that jazz. Thing is...Jesus is --the-- answer....no one has any (real, meaningful, valid) answers "within," especially those who are still in and of the world. The heart is deceitfully wicked above all else...((something like that...paraphrasing, clearly...)).

So, yeah...by God's grace, I'm now smart enough to be in society and write and do...things I wanted and want to do. That's clearly a miracle, because "treatment," for me, involved a lot of "experts" deliberately inflicting tons of trauma and severe brain damage. Happens.

Thanks again for your replies+prayers+encouragement. I think online forums are great, but because one is dealing with typed responses, things can be lost and/or misunderstood fairly easily. My apologies for my role in that.

 

[Politico]

hi. me again.

Politico...

I really did (and do) appreciate your replies. I see that we're not on the same page in terms of ideology and such (that happens, lol), but you strike me as a solid, well-grounded Christian, so your prayers+replies+support are quite helpful to me, and I appreciate your input.

Your latest post hit a chord with me...about God using one's past sins and weaknesses in constructive, good ways, in building a whole new person in Christ. I've only been genuinely, truly saved 4 1/2 years (and that by a miracle), and now...well, 4 1/2 years isn't a whole long time, but now I've been saved+forgiven long enough to see some of God's handy work in my life, and I see your point. God is good!

Honestly, I think part of my problem is that I spent waaaay too much time in various forms of Mental Health (Inc.) "treatment." Ugh. God's made good of that for me, already, in a number of ways, but...the whole deal with counseling, psychotherapy, psychiatry, etc. is that you look inward and reflect, all that jazz. Thing is...Jesus is --the-- answer....no one has any (real, meaningful, valid) answers "within," especially those who are still in and of the world. The heart is deceitfully wicked above all else...((something like that...paraphrasing, clearly...)).

So, yeah...by God's grace, I'm now smart enough to be in society and write and do...things I wanted and want to do. That's clearly a miracle, because "treatment," for me, involved a lot of "experts" deliberately inflicting tons of trauma and severe brain damage. Happens.

Thanks again for your replies+prayers+encouragement. I think online forums are great, but because one is dealing with typed responses, things can be lost and/or misunderstood fairly easily. My apologies for my role in that.

If you don't mind, I would like to share with you my increasing portfolio of Bible verses that I use in my daily devotional/strengthening program. (by "program" I am simply referring to consistently and frequently setting aside time for reviewing encouraging material--not some dead psychological method.) These verses have been a tremendous help to me, helping me to continue on with God's ill for my like in spite of setbacks and severe spiritual attacks.

You have read some of the helps I posted for another forums member pertaining to strengthening our faith. I hope these verses help you toward this end. (see attachment)
mmmm...the upload did not work. small file too. got an error message saying the file was too large.
I can PM it to you.

Stand fast and be encouraged. When you stand before your maker, the only real thing that will matter at that point is if you loved the Lord and submitted yourself to Him, including all your weakness, failures, triumphs, etc. Our problems in this life are small indeed compared to the glory that awaits us.

Have you ever longed for someone to such a degree that it is almost painful? Well, I am convinced that Christ almost intensely longs to be with His Bride. I am referring to us being with Christ once our time is up here and also to Christ's Return. (Sorry for not providing verses. Limited time here)

Unless the Lord has revealed to you otherwise, live like today is your last day in this present world. For indeed, the Lord may call you Home tomorrow!