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[__ Prayer __] something's going on? maybe?

Christ_empowered

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yes, yes; I know, -me- , yet again. lol :)

In Christ, I've made it something of a goal to lead as drama and trauma-free a lifestyle as possible. I'm now 37. I've been made healthy, surprisingly intelligent, surprisingly normal, and I'm even reconciled to my loving, long suffering parents. I have the community-wide label of "Schizophrenia," which...?? I had all kinds of problems, pre-Jesus. Now, I have the label (lame), but I also have my parents' ongoing love and support. so...God is Good, truly Good...and He's seen fit to make good of the labels and nastiness, now that I've been on the right side of The Cross for a bit over 9 years now. moving on...

I had a court case, resolved 8 years ago, now. plea bargain, probation. I've been off probation (successfully! 2 years early! no drugs, drink, or violations...except for a seat belt violation. I think the state trooper was bored that day?) for a bit over 5 years now. I've been living in this modest, but nice, place for over 3 years, now. and...

the taunts and bullying have waxed and waned from pretty much day 1. happens. I'm thankful that my family were able to buy this place, outright. no mortgage, just...done. done. Not -rich- , but...I think we/they came in on the tail end of modestly priced, safe and comfortable properties available in this area. It isn't that everything is crazy expensive, now, but...wow. wow. Zillow keeps us posted on what's going on with this property, and...yeah. not super fancy or super expensive, but its crazy, how home values go up and I'm kinda like...well, grateful, yes...but I also wonder: where are people going to live, now? It -doesn't- help that a lot of the once modestly priced properties have been bought up by companies, fixed up a bit, and then rented out for ever increasing rates. I mean...I get it, its happening all over the USA, probably all over the world (?), but...wow. wow. ok, random side thought, moving on now...

so, yeah. waxing and waning taunting and bullying. Did I mention the feces on my front area one day? Hopefully it was from an animal. That was a while ago. I mean...I had (and have) disinfectant spray, all that jazz, but...my place is situated a good ways away from where people take their dogs on walks and such. I couldn't help but think it was deliberate, somehow. and now...

a coffee machine I'd -just- bought is missing. it was on sale, I was looking forward to it. oh well. I finally got my dad to get me a security system...one of those newer, DIY installation ones. One can add in components, over time, so now I have 2 cameras facing outwards (indoors, pointed out thru windows) and then one camera inside, near an entrance. motion sensors, entry sensors...I didn't go crazy insane on it, but I did what I thought was necessary. Since I've put it in, nothing else has gone missing, and the free range rudeness has decreased by about 50% +/- ...

but I'm -not- well liked. People are forever taunting me with how old I am. 37? I guess that's geriatric? Maybe its because now I look noticeably younger than my age? I think that's God's work in my life...so, of course, people say "he got a -laser peel- " and stuff like that. I mean, OK. rambling...

so, the hostility is sometimes overwhelming. I actually woke up around 2 or so, and decided to just get an early start on my day. at 3 or so, people were taunting with junk from my psych way past (talking 15-20 years ago) and graphic sexual stuff, and...done. done. done. this just in: probably -because- of my experiences with psychiatry, I lean antipsychiatry, kinda sorta (I don't think the "helping professions" are generally all that helpful, is what I'm getting at...not a 60s radical or anything).

A former counselor seems to have been reprimanded some time ago. His license to practice is now expired, fairly recently. -shrug- i don't see how he could really "help" anyone. I quit going, he wanted more money, my records contained all sorts of straight up lies and inaccuracies, and...yeah. yeah.

a former psychiatrist worked forever at one place. they have a new shrink at that place. the license for that shrink is still valid and active, so...???

I dunno. I get taunted with "gold digging flamer" (I was a flamer, till...I dunno, I'm not now...never really a "gold digger," but I did make the mistake of briefly dating a late 20s druggy from a rich family when I was 19...maybe that's it? he's actually....dead. has been for a couple of years, now...), and lots of other junk, and...

darned if you do, darned if you don't is how it seems to me. If it was up to most of the "professionals" I've dealt with, I doubt I'd have anything, at all. seriously. how cruel can mental health, inc. be? well...

I tested + for HIV+ at a private, for profit hospital. no treatment offered, no referrals, they ended up kicking me off my parents' insurance. I was not permitted to participate in group therapy without being taunted and ridiculed. no individual therapy/counseling, although my parents were billed for it. I was given so much of a Valium-type sleeping pill that I almost died...I woke up with an EMT holding an oxygen mask over my face, soaked in my own urine. a couple of years later...

I was given a brain scan at a hospital and nicknamed "Frankenstein." I don't know the exact details of "treatment," but it seems to have involved some heavy duty shock (not voluntary) and some sort of operation? Funny...I didn't know operations were still "a thing," in psychiatry...

till that brain scan. ha! I guess some things never change? moving on...

so, yeah. 37. healthy. did I mention no treatment ever for the HIV+? -shrug- I guess my -physical- health never mattered to the "treatment providers..."

and now I've been made healthy. I've been taunted with that, too, stuff like "just because he tested positive doesn't mean he gets special treatment!" and "promiscuous junkie has HIV!" and junk like that. truth? never did too many street drugs. almost all of my fun drugs came from "reputable psychiatrists," and I haven't had a drug problem in about...14+/- years now, I think? the last time I had a "problem," it was legally prescribed Klonopin from a "good psychiatrist." go figure.

so...rambling...waxing, now. dudes...I think the new maintenance people/company, for the complex...were walking in front of my building, one of them had a clipboard...talking about me loudly, loudly enough for me to hear in my car, while parking in my space. OK. age, "parent's -cannot- take care of him" that kind of junk.

maybe I'm just too sensitive? or its the constant talk of "his parents -cannot- support him" and such that gets to me? Because that first hospital wanted to put me in a homeless shelter, for "humbling experiences." 16 years later, The Lord has done a mighty work in all aspects of my life, my being, my relationships with others...

and I guess a lot of "professionals" want to drag me back down, because I'm a "trouble maker" or...something?

ugh. the taunts of "warrants" and junk waxes and wanes, too. I dunno. When I was charged, the stuff I was charged with apparently added up to a felony carrying -15 years- . not fun. when I was sentenced, I ended up with a suspended sentence on a serious (in my state, "Class A") misdemeanor. In most states, misdemeanors carry 1 year or less. Because I live in a southern state that still has a notoriously strange legal system, the "Class A" misdemeanors carry a max of 3 years, and low level felonies generally start at 5 years. whaaa? I don't get it, either. But...yeah. suspended sentence, probation. off probation 2 years early, 5 years ago. and now...


I dunno. its just...strange, like today when I was in a Wal-Mart and this one employee lady had this barely contained hostility towards me, and I wasn't even really interacting with her, at all. I overheard her making snarky comments about me, but I was dealing with a different employee. Didn't make sense. Then, I was walking out, and there was something about the way she walked while near me, the facial expressions, the body language...it kinda creeped me out. not like I was -scared- just...who is this woman? what is her problem?

so, yeah. waxing and waning. I wonder if the HOA wants me out? maybe that's what's going on at my complex? but my family keeps the fees paid and they own it, outright. and...where the rubber hits the road...so, what? I mean, I'm law abiding, no felonies...no drugs or drink....

what is the problem, really? not to sound snotty or whatever, but some of the people in my immediate building who taunt me...are renters. Its not that I'm "better" than them or anything (far from it!), its just...if they hate me that much, couldn't they move? please?

ok. thanks for the replies, support, prayers, encouragement, and...yes. yes. Thanks, basically. :)
 

JLB

Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life
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yes, yes; I know, -me- , yet again. lol :)

In Christ, I've made it something of a goal to lead as drama and trauma-free a lifestyle as possible. I'm now 37. I've been made healthy, surprisingly intelligent, surprisingly normal, and I'm even reconciled to my loving, long suffering parents. I have the community-wide label of "Schizophrenia," which...?? I had all kinds of problems, pre-Jesus. Now, I have the label (lame), but I also have my parents' ongoing love and support. so...God is Good, truly Good...and He's seen fit to make good of the labels and nastiness, now that I've been on the right side of The Cross for a bit over 9 years now. moving on...

I had a court case, resolved 8 years ago, now. plea bargain, probation. I've been off probation (successfully! 2 years early! no drugs, drink, or violations...except for a seat belt violation. I think the state trooper was bored that day?) for a bit over 5 years now. I've been living in this modest, but nice, place for over 3 years, now. and...

the taunts and bullying have waxed and waned from pretty much day 1. happens. I'm thankful that my family were able to buy this place, outright. no mortgage, just...done. done. Not -rich- , but...I think we/they came in on the tail end of modestly priced, safe and comfortable properties available in this area. It isn't that everything is crazy expensive, now, but...wow. wow. Zillow keeps us posted on what's going on with this property, and...yeah. not super fancy or super expensive, but its crazy, how home values go up and I'm kinda like...well, grateful, yes...but I also wonder: where are people going to live, now? It -doesn't- help that a lot of the once modestly priced properties have been bought up by companies, fixed up a bit, and then rented out for ever increasing rates. I mean...I get it, its happening all over the USA, probably all over the world (?), but...wow. wow. ok, random side thought, moving on now...

so, yeah. waxing and waning taunting and bullying. Did I mention the feces on my front area one day? Hopefully it was from an animal. That was a while ago. I mean...I had (and have) disinfectant spray, all that jazz, but...my place is situated a good ways away from where people take their dogs on walks and such. I couldn't help but think it was deliberate, somehow. and now...

a coffee machine I'd -just- bought is missing. it was on sale, I was looking forward to it. oh well. I finally got my dad to get me a security system...one of those newer, DIY installation ones. One can add in components, over time, so now I have 2 cameras facing outwards (indoors, pointed out thru windows) and then one camera inside, near an entrance. motion sensors, entry sensors...I didn't go crazy insane on it, but I did what I thought was necessary. Since I've put it in, nothing else has gone missing, and the free range rudeness has decreased by about 50% +/- ...

but I'm -not- well liked. People are forever taunting me with how old I am. 37? I guess that's geriatric? Maybe its because now I look noticeably younger than my age? I think that's God's work in my life...so, of course, people say "he got a -laser peel- " and stuff like that. I mean, OK. rambling...

so, the hostility is sometimes overwhelming. I actually woke up around 2 or so, and decided to just get an early start on my day. at 3 or so, people were taunting with junk from my psych way past (talking 15-20 years ago) and graphic sexual stuff, and...done. done. done. this just in: probably -because- of my experiences with psychiatry, I lean antipsychiatry, kinda sorta (I don't think the "helping professions" are generally all that helpful, is what I'm getting at...not a 60s radical or anything).

A former counselor seems to have been reprimanded some time ago. His license to practice is now expired, fairly recently. -shrug- i don't see how he could really "help" anyone. I quit going, he wanted more money, my records contained all sorts of straight up lies and inaccuracies, and...yeah. yeah.

a former psychiatrist worked forever at one place. they have a new shrink at that place. the license for that shrink is still valid and active, so...???

I dunno. I get taunted with "gold digging flamer" (I was a flamer, till...I dunno, I'm not now...never really a "gold digger," but I did make the mistake of briefly dating a late 20s druggy from a rich family when I was 19...maybe that's it? he's actually....dead. has been for a couple of years, now...), and lots of other junk, and...

darned if you do, darned if you don't is how it seems to me. If it was up to most of the "professionals" I've dealt with, I doubt I'd have anything, at all. seriously. how cruel can mental health, inc. be? well...

I tested + for HIV+ at a private, for profit hospital. no treatment offered, no referrals, they ended up kicking me off my parents' insurance. I was not permitted to participate in group therapy without being taunted and ridiculed. no individual therapy/counseling, although my parents were billed for it. I was given so much of a Valium-type sleeping pill that I almost died...I woke up with an EMT holding an oxygen mask over my face, soaked in my own urine. a couple of years later...

I was given a brain scan at a hospital and nicknamed "Frankenstein." I don't know the exact details of "treatment," but it seems to have involved some heavy duty shock (not voluntary) and some sort of operation? Funny...I didn't know operations were still "a thing," in psychiatry...

till that brain scan. ha! I guess some things never change? moving on...

so, yeah. 37. healthy. did I mention no treatment ever for the HIV+? -shrug- I guess my -physical- health never mattered to the "treatment providers..."

and now I've been made healthy. I've been taunted with that, too, stuff like "just because he tested positive doesn't mean he gets special treatment!" and "promiscuous junkie has HIV!" and junk like that. truth? never did too many street drugs. almost all of my fun drugs came from "reputable psychiatrists," and I haven't had a drug problem in about...14+/- years now, I think? the last time I had a "problem," it was legally prescribed Klonopin from a "good psychiatrist." go figure.

so...rambling...waxing, now. dudes...I think the new maintenance people/company, for the complex...were walking in front of my building, one of them had a clipboard...talking about me loudly, loudly enough for me to hear in my car, while parking in my space. OK. age, "parent's -cannot- take care of him" that kind of junk.

maybe I'm just too sensitive? or its the constant talk of "his parents -cannot- support him" and such that gets to me? Because that first hospital wanted to put me in a homeless shelter, for "humbling experiences." 16 years later, The Lord has done a mighty work in all aspects of my life, my being, my relationships with others...

and I guess a lot of "professionals" want to drag me back down, because I'm a "trouble maker" or...something?

ugh. the taunts of "warrants" and junk waxes and wanes, too. I dunno. When I was charged, the stuff I was charged with apparently added up to a felony carrying -15 years- . not fun. when I was sentenced, I ended up with a suspended sentence on a serious (in my state, "Class A") misdemeanor. In most states, misdemeanors carry 1 year or less. Because I live in a southern state that still has a notoriously strange legal system, the "Class A" misdemeanors carry a max of 3 years, and low level felonies generally start at 5 years. whaaa? I don't get it, either. But...yeah. suspended sentence, probation. off probation 2 years early, 5 years ago. and now...


I dunno. its just...strange, like today when I was in a Wal-Mart and this one employee lady had this barely contained hostility towards me, and I wasn't even really interacting with her, at all. I overheard her making snarky comments about me, but I was dealing with a different employee. Didn't make sense. Then, I was walking out, and there was something about the way she walked while near me, the facial expressions, the body language...it kinda creeped me out. not like I was -scared- just...who is this woman? what is her problem?

so, yeah. waxing and waning. I wonder if the HOA wants me out? maybe that's what's going on at my complex? but my family keeps the fees paid and they own it, outright. and...where the rubber hits the road...so, what? I mean, I'm law abiding, no felonies...no drugs or drink....

what is the problem, really? not to sound snotty or whatever, but some of the people in my immediate building who taunt me...are renters. Its not that I'm "better" than them or anything (far from it!), its just...if they hate me that much, couldn't they move? please?

ok. thanks for the replies, support, prayers, encouragement, and...yes. yes. Thanks, basically. :)

You are blessed.
 

Christ_empowered

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You are blessed.

Thanks, JLB . I truly appreciate that, I do. I mean...sometimes, I think The Lord has seen fit to pour out all these blessings on me because....

ha! I actually decided to quit over-thinking things, to whatever extent possible. I've come to the conclusion to -listen- to God, thru Scripture...especially the parts where God, the Father is speaking directly...

and, of course, the parts of the NT where Jesus, Himself is speaking. Not that I'm trying to ignore the rest of Scripture, just...for right now...--focus-- .

yeah, so...God -Himself- says: "I am Love," in Scripture...for the benefit of me and every other believer, ever...

so, I've decided to simmer down on the analysis to the point of paralysis, etc. and just...calm down, listen, accept. God -is- Love.

I do wish the taunts would stop. Oddly enough...this AM, I was making my coffee (btw: my current maker, the one I tried to replace, has about had it, already...ugh...lol), and some lady was saying "he needs to MOVE OUT!," so...

yeah. that's pretty much what that's all about, I guess. melodrama, psychodrama, trauma-drama aside...

I do think and believe The Lord has seen fit to extend some incredible mercy, grace, and Love my way...

now? "...washed and made clean...," in the -here and now- , no less! amazing how God's love and work in believers' lives follows certain themes...restoration, reconciliation, "...be ye -transformed by the renewal of your mind- ...,"

and the world is just not OK with all that, lol. ugh. again: Scripture. its not that I'm 110% top of the line, non-church going Protestant of the year...

but I am -a- believer, amen. and these things...happen, largely in response to Jesus' work in my life (and other believers' lives, too, in their corners of our fallen world...).

ramble, ramble...the security system, in particular, has been a true blessing. Its not super fancy, but it is one of those lower cost, hi-tech ones that sends the cell phone notifications...

rambling, yet again. God is Good. I can't claim to deserve His Goodness, but that's part of the Good News, isn't it? "...come unto me ye who are weary, and I shall give you rest..."

Thanks again for the reply, btw. By His grace, I'm...leading a meaningful, quiet, modest and increasingly peaceful life. These...people, around me...I don't get it? I'll pray for them, now...and again, and again. forgive 70x7 . only in Christ can I even get close to that, of course...

"today is the day that The Lord hath made. Rejoice and be glad in it."

a loving command from our loving Father. in Christ...I can get there... :)
 
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