Sadly It's probably that "crazy and "mentally ill" 10% of the time" that causes the problem. I mean, if you think about it, if I (just for example) trust you to be responsible for something important on a daily basis 5 days per week, that means about once ever two weeks I get disappointed. If it's something important, that kind of leaves me with no choice but to find someone else to do it. I wish it weren't that way, but sadly it just is. :-(
You'd need somebody else only during those ten percent of the time. Responsibility is important for a happy life, at least it is for me. So because of 10% dysfunction I should be rejected happiness altogether? Many people that have no mental diagnosis are failing their duties and others' expectations just as often but find excuses and will be accepted that way because failing is human or whatever. But a mental diagnosis is like a label saying that I am dysfunctional altogether although most of the time my behaviour is normal (else I wouldn't be here, but institutionalised).
Also I noticed that when given responsibility I function rather well. Much better than in some protected environment for mentally ill. The environment is rubbing off. Also, the expectations others have are somewhat defining how I behave. That's normal, most people adapt to their surroundings like that, but even more so people with my disorder. If people just don't know what's wrong with me and thus treat me as if I was normal I behave much more normal than if they know I'm disturbed and try to protect me and go easy on me or excuse my off behaviour.
Last year the worst time I had was in summer when I was in a mental hospital and couldn't make it through a single day without self harm or outward aggression. But the best I did in that year was during a christian summer camp only two weeks after the release from hospital when I (together with another guy) was in charge of a part of the camp site that "housed" like 80 people. I felt awesome, was emotionally stable, did my job and had lots of fun with the great people in our camp site village, despite the large amounts of stress and pressure, except for a few week moments when I was really stressed.
I've often lost my temper in/ after church and attacked myself or others of my church - but only on sundays when I was a mere attendee. However, I always felt great when I was on sound tech duty (or some other meaningful part of the service) although it can get really stressful (depending how well organised and prepared the worship band is, you know how messy some musicians are...;-)) and I'm still a newbie in that business. But the responsibility actually makes me better adjusted because it makes my brain go into serene dependable adult mode for a few hours - because having some responsibility somehow suggests that I'm a dependable adult.
Oh well... I get what you mean, though.
The reason I posted in this thread was a conversation I had with a guy (a social worker who's job is to help people like me live an independent life despite illness) who told me that in his private life he's cautious when dealing with people of whom he knows they have or had mental issues, and although he doesn't want to stigmatise them he still doesn't feel as comfortable around them as he would feel around people who don't have such problems - even after years of apparent sanity.
So I was thinking about how many potential friendships I have destroyed over the years, and how many people that have experienced my dark side first hand will forever feel too uncomfortable around me to fully trust me and consider me a loyal dependable friend even if I never show the slightest symptom of craziness again.
Mental illness, not only the symptoms, but also the stigma related to it, creates distance between people and isolates the ill person from real friendship and trust. That's much more sad than not being trusted with a a certain job.
Sorry for hijacking the thread. It's an issue that's been on my mind and making me sad for the last few days.
