This situation has broken me

[womanofgod822]

This is going to be long and I have to get it off my chest. In March I found out that my husband has been having an affair with another woman. I found out because I had suspicions that he was doing something and so I began to search for evidence. My gut was telling me it and he kept lying so I had to find proof. I went inside of his car and inside the arm rest I found a card that you can tell was attached to a gift with a womans name on it and then I found a jewelry bag with a necklace inside of a man and woman hugging. Mind you our anniversary was in February and I didnt get anything, but we went out to eat. I ended up crying to his sister and mom and his sister reached out to him. He then finally admitted it to me and that he checked out of the marriage since 2018 after his uncle passed. I was blindsided because last year was our 10yr anniversary and he was excited about it and planned many trips and dates. Even towards the end of last year he was talking about finally reaching out to the apostle of the church I attend so he can grow in God and all of a sudden this happened.

The reasons why I was suspicious is because he started coming home late at night or the next morning, but would lie and say he is doing door dash as if im stupid. Then he barely was calling me on lunch break and he was getting home later than usual. I would ask him and he would lie. So after I found out there was an argument all that weekend and he still turned around and took her out on a date to the same place we went to on our anniversary last year. That whole weekend we fought and argued to the point where I left and went to my moms house for a few days. When I returned he had a 6hr conversation about how I dont listen and all these negative things about me and how he was compatible with her because they are from the same coast and they have more in common. I told him i accept things for what it is and that I will not sleep in the same room as him but I only ask that he does not see her while we still live in the same home or bring her here. He was still lying and going to see her. Another thing was that before this I was praying about the marriage and God told me to look up and I noticed a bible so I figured maybe he bought it or found it and he has been distant because he is working on his relationship with God, but when I found that card in his car it was the card that was attached to that bible. He began to brag about how "Godly" of a woman she was. That was a slap in my face because when we first met we were praying together and going to church, but he stopped. He also kept telling me if I want the marriage then I should fight for it.

So we were supposed to go on a trip at the end of March and I told him that him and the kids should go to his hometown and I decided to stay home so I can get a break and take a class for this license I want to get. While there in his hometown all of a sudden he kept blowing up my phone like never before and putting me on facetime to speak with some of his family members. He was texting me his whereabouts and all of that. So then he tells me we need to talk when he gets home I said Ok. So he came back and told me he was sorry for everything and that he wants to work it out and how his cousin told him some sound advice about the situtation.

Since he has came back he has put for the effort however its been hard for me to recover. It was put on my heart before this to do a fast for 21 days (daniel fast) and so I started doing it on April 1-21. One of the purposes of the fast was for restoration of the marriage and for his deliverance. During the fast ive dealt with so much spiritual warfare concerning the marriage and the kids also have been acting up in school. If Im not hit with one thing its another. (I made a post about the fast if your interested) One of the things ive dealt with when trying to heal during my fast is that I get anxiety when he supposed to come home after doing door dash because I am afraid he is not going to come home at all or he will come in late. I would tense up when it gets a certain time. I would fight myself to try not to look at the time because I dont want to be disappointed. One night it was so bad and I couldnt reach him and I had a panic attack. Also if he does door dash and I get nervous when he irons because I think he is ironing an outfit to go out and lie to me about doing door dash. Im not comfortable or confident yet because im still healing. Its been hard to the point where I called a crisis hotline because I thought I was going to lose my mind.

So far he has cut ties with this woman. He has been coming home during his normal time and we have been getting along better. He is even playing around with me like he used to and we are spending time. I dont bring the other woman up at all. However, I found out that she is a preachers wife and doesnt want to tell her husband about the affair. According to my husband they havent slept together. At this moment ive been feeling defeated and angry. I go to church sad and angry because I see other men with their wives in church and mine isnt there. He promised to reach out to the apostle after he came back from his trip. I just didnt understand why he was willing to read the bible with her and let her minister to him and not come to church with me and allow the apostle to minister to him. That is heartbreaking. I expressed my anger toward this last night because I reached out to the apostle about me fighting the depression because of this and he wanted to meet with us on thursday. It seemed to me that he is upset that Im still trying to heal and how I brought up the situation with the third party. I dont throw her up in his face but because this was eating at me I had to talk about it. He thinks I still want to hold on to it and I dont. I wish it never happened and want this to be over so I can heal and we can move forward. He act as if I should be healed completely because he is making an effort. I forgive him but some days are harder than others and plus this is still fresh. I feel the best way for us to deal with this is to go to God but I feel as though he is running away from it and dont want to face it, which is why he wants to go back to his hometown. At this point I dont know if i should still pray for the marriage or not. During the fast most of the negative thoughts were how things were not going to change and I should just stop praying for him and the marriage, but something still tells me to keep pushing. Im not gonna lie I feel so defeated to the point where Im mentally checking out to protect myself.

I feel like something spiritually doesnt want him to get the church or speak with apostle. When I told him about the meeting with apostle he said that he wasnt ready. Im not trying to force him because originally I messaged him about how I was being attacked spiritually from every angle and what caused it and so he suggested to meet with us both. I even felt bad some days where I didnt want to eat my nerves were so bad.

 

[Dorothy Mae]

I’m wondering if the covering up
of the affair is what is giving the Enemy a grip on you and the marriage. I know confession and openness defeats the enemy in these matters. It also requires humbling yourself that releases grace. Is there a group he could confess his sin to? The partner in adultery also needs to confess her sin. By protecting her, the flame is kept burning. She is also tempted to continue with the next man.

You need to forgive but the cover-up is giving the enemy power over you both. Confession would break that. Would be harder to do it again.

 

[womanofgod822]

I’m wondering if the covering up
of the affair is what is giving the Enemy a grip on you and the marriage. I know confession and openness defeats the enemy in these matters. It also requires humbling yourself that releases grace. Is there a group he could confess his sin to? The partner in adultery also needs to confess her sin. By protecting her, the flame is kept burning. She is also tempted to continue with the next man.

You need to forgive but the cover-up is giving the enemy power over you both. Confession would break that. Would be harder to do it again.

I agree with all you have said. I felt that I did forgive him but it’s hard when there are things that happen to remind me of it like the times that he didn’t come home and how late he would come home. I tried to not entertain the thoughts and had to rebuke and pray them away. It’s like the harder I pray and the more I have fasted the worse the attacks have got. He confessed to his cousin who told him to make things right with me and he confessed to his best friend. I don’t know if he repented at all but I feel he running from the problem instead of going before the lord. He says his way of healing is going home and praying. I’m close to throwing in the towel but don’t want to. I shouldn’t even be dealing with this.

 

[womanofgod822]

A

I’m wondering if the covering up
of the affair is what is giving the Enemy a grip on you and the marriage. I know confession and openness defeats the enemy in these matters. It also requires humbling yourself that releases grace. Is there a group he could confess his sin to? The partner in adultery also needs to confess her sin. By protecting her, the flame is kept burning. She is also tempted to continue with the next man.

You need to forgive but the cover-up is giving the enemy power over you both. Confession would break that. Would be harder to do it again.

Also I noticed from the conversations that we have been having that he is upset because her husband don’t know and she don’t want to tell him. So I feel as though he mad because he is being convicted and she is not

 

[daninthelionsden]

I agree with all you have said. I felt that I did forgive him but it’s hard when there are things that happen to remind me of it like the times that he didn’t come home and how late he would come home. I tried to not entertain the thoughts and had to rebuke and pray them away. It’s like the harder I pray and the more I have fasted the worse the attacks have got. He confessed to his cousin who told him to make things right with me and he confessed to his best friend. I don’t know if he repented at all but I feel he running from the problem instead of going before the lord. He says his way of healing is going home and praying. I’m close to throwing in the towel but don’t want to. I shouldn’t even be dealing with this.

Counseling with a full confession is in order. He needs to confess lest he hang on to his sin for a later time. He needs to repent AFTER full confession. He needs to atone to you to YOUR satisfaction. Trust is so easy to destroy and so very difficult to rebuild.
The woman's husband needs to know. She has disgraced herself, her husband and her church.
You will have to decide whether to continue on in this marriage without any undo influence from others. It is a decision for you and you alone to make. Some marriages do continue after a betrayal, but most seem to dissolve.

 

[womanofgod822]

Counseling with a full confession is in order. He needs to confess lest he hang on to his sin for a later time. He needs to repent AFTER full confession. He needs to atone to you to YOUR satisfaction. Trust is so easy to destroy and so very difficult to rebuild.
The woman's husband needs to know. She has disgraced herself, her husband and her church.
You will have to decide whether to continue on in this marriage without any undo influence from others. It is a decision for you and you alone to make. Some marriages do continue after a betrayal, but most seem to dissolve.

Your absolutely right. I definitely agree that it is my decision to make alone. That is why I don’t talk about it to any of my family, I don’t bad mouth him, and I still treat him with respect. I don’t bring that woman up or throw it in his face. It’s just that I feel the best route for us to go now ks to go to God! So I was angry because of him going to God when it came to her but doesn’t seem to want to go for the sake of his family. True enough he has to do it on his own.

 

[Dorothy Mae]

I agree with all you have said. I felt that I did forgive him but it’s hard when there are things that happen to remind me of it like the times that he didn’t come home and how late he would come home. I tried to not entertain the thoughts and had to rebuke and pray them away. It’s like the harder I pray and the more I have fasted the worse the attacks have got. He confessed to his cousin who told him to make things right with me and he confessed to his best friend. I don’t know if he repented at all but I feel he running from the problem instead of going before the lord. He says his way of healing is going home and praying. I’m close to throwing in the towel but don’t want to. I shouldn’t even be dealing with this.

Perhaps he needs to ask her husband for forgiveness.

Now as for you, if you do not forgive him, God won’t forgive you if your sins. If nothing else motivates you, let that truth do it’s job. For your own sake, rebuke the enemy whispering reminders of the betrayal because I’m certain he is bringing up the past to destroy your marriage.

Try reading Hosea. His wife was continually unfaithful. I’m going to write you something on my heart, privately.

 

[Dorothy Mae]

A

Also I noticed from the conversations that we have been having that he is upset because her husband don’t know and she don’t want to tell him. So I feel as though he mad because he is being convicted and she is not

She is likely to continue with the next person so that is a tricky one. If they never slept together, it makes a difference and difficult to confess. The sin was less. But if he exposes her, then it cannot be a response in revenge. He has to guard his own heart first.

I guess the most powerful confrontation would be if you as a couple had a time with them as a couple. In that time he would confess their romantic relationship that was limited to the heart although not coming home at night is pretty telling. He would ask the husband to forgive him. As this is in front of you, there would come a freedom from fear of a repeat because the whole of the interview is something he would never want to ever have to repeat again. Since you are there, it is likely the husband believes you. It is also more likely not to be in revenge since you are there and going to experience the pain of it all as well. It would be very powerful. Man to man is one thing. The wives being there is something else. And all would see that you have forgiven him. It would be very powerful and destroy the enemy's hold on the whole business.

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble so humble yourself under the hand of God and He will lift you up."

 

[Blade]

Hi.. praying for both. Since I am only hearing one side I can not tell you what you should do. Being married together over 38 years I understand. I think we all wonder how I can forgive if I can't forget. We must allow Him Christ to help. To forgive means what? If we really have to ask then ask Christ what He remembers. And He has been hurt abused more then ALL man combined yet He forgives and does not remember it any more. He is in us we are in Him so yes we can never think about it again. The enemy will make sure we do will always try to bring it up. Me if this was reversed? I would then love her even more I would do more things for her when she did nothing for me. See some years back we had a fight ..well she was really mad saying just awful things. Right in the middle of the fight I had this love and I looked at her and .. I can't explain it but I saw her heart. What was so odd strange was her heart was nothing what so ever like she was acting talking. Oh I had this LOVE.. man all I wanted was to just love her. If this was how she was going to act treat me till we die? I didn't care, if she never did one good nice ever thought of me again I didn't care.

All I wanted was to just treat her like a queen. To do anything everything for her. The strange thing again in this was.. that was a reward. Yeah there was nothing else I wanted.. to do that I was getting a reward.. SO strange. Yet as fast as it came it lifted and was gone. This road for over 38 year was not easy. What we in this flesh fight is to love someone and never expect anything in return ...well to us here its wrong. We need to read 1st cor 13 and not expect others to be doing it but are we doing it. No matter what she does act am I loving her like Christ loves the Church? Not my job to be making sure she is loving me giving me everything as a man you know making sure she knows her body is mine hello! haha. Smile. For mine is hers.

See I know that word forgive. It does not remember I do. There is no excuses for me for I have Christ in me and all things are possible to them that believe. This forgiveness and love we can only as man/woman go so far and then HE steps in. In that moment I was talking about that love for her.. man I was NO WHERE in it. It was all about just her for her never anything for me. So how does Christ treat you? Loves us no matter what we do. We can hurt Him cheat on Him abuse Him and still a huge smile and open arms and for me that hurts.. to know what I did to Him yet He not like man really truly loves me. See that was another thing.. I always thought. what if it was me.. I would want someone to love me no matter what I do.. I WANT THAT oh and there are things men get I have never got. Things happen to my wife when she was very young. What hurts is I am 61 I took me most of our life together to be open enough to Hear what my Father is and wants me to me. Not what she should do or not.

He knows your pain He has cried every tear with you. He knows hard hard it can be in this life to forgive and not remember it any more. Its only when we truly mean it with our hearts does He step in. I know very dear friend (preacher) said he knows God gets all the glory but wants to keep about 10% for him self. Well he told the truth but that has a cost God does not play games. Just saying and very badly (I am awful with words forgive me) give it all to Him.. make sure you tell Him exactly how you feel.. haha trust me He can take it. Hes your Father ABBA. Tell Him what you know you should or maybe should do but really don't want to. See thats our heart being open.. where now He can truly help. I pain like "I forgive you but I wish I never met you". things at first no matter how hard you try.. every time you see them think about them.. that moment comes life as if it just happened. Man does that hurt. But HE CAN WILL heal take all that away.. JESUS Christ is real. We talk to Him then KNOW no matter how you feel He loves you so much He will help you. He is not a man that He should lie. For we dont like to think like this but . my wife? Shes also wants to forgive me. In her eyes I have done things said things you name it that shes trying to forgive me. Not a one way street. So not what she has or will do but .. I love her for just exactly what she is. I didn't marry her so she would what I wanted. I pray I didn't offend. This is just me talking sharing .. nothing anyone has to listen to. Just give it all to Him.. when you do don't take it back.

 

[Anaphora]

You need to cut him off, get him out of your life. Adultery is serious sin. You dont want to be par takers of his sins. Mark 9:47. And if thy eye thee pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. First Corinthians chapter 6, know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit kingdom of God?. Unless those who are habitual sinners, repent sins to God and conform to God's standard, their going to hell. You dont want to be par takers of their sins. Get the person out of your life. I moved away from narcissist years ago. I went through emotional and psychological abuse. I now have peace of mind. Jesus offers sound wisdom in mark 9:47. . Have the courage to do what must be done. Life is too short for nonsense.