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When life gets real

stovebolts

stovebolts

Member
So, we were at church last night and my son gets a text from his best friend saying he needed to talk and it was urgent. My son left the teen class and gave him a call unaware of the magnitude of the situation.

The boy's father had committed suicide. Hung himself.

It was a pretty rough night for him and we immediatly went to his house. My son spent the night at his house just to be with his friend.

His friend comes from a divorced and disfunctional home and he hasn't seen his Dad in over 2 months. Last time he went to see his Dad, his Dad was drunk and asking, "What would you do if I hung myself with this rope", and he dangled a rope in front of his son. Those thoughts and pictures now torment my son's best friend.

I think pictures really speak, so I've included a picture of my son and his best friend.

Thoughts and prayers are always welcome.
 
@StoveBolts Dear brother in Christ, I will pray for you and your family and friend. There is so much more going on than a post can express, putting a picture helps, they look like good kids. I can't imagine how tragic it must be for him, I wish I could give him hope from the hope I've been given. My heart breaks for kids who grow up in those tough situations.
 
Thanks [MENTION=96494]Vaccine[/MENTION],
He is a good kid, but you'd never know it looking at him. He's welcome in our house with open arms. He's got a good heart and has had to grow up way too young.
 
Total tragedy. From another that was 5 going on 18, crazy turmoil for this lad is going to be right on the doorstep for years and years to come. Your son and the rest of your family being there to help and hear is of more value than a billion dollars plopped in this boys lap right now. I pray you have strength and patience for him, youre a good man by god, stove. Bless you, from all of us.
 
Thanks everyone. [MENTION=96314]Northman[/MENTION], [MENTION=93058]Deborah13[/MENTION] and [MENTION=96494]Vaccine[/MENTION]

My son has been a real blessing to his friend. I know one of the things his friend is asking is, "Was I that much of a disappointment to my Dad". I think it's coming off the heels of a few months ago when he was with his Dad, and his Dad took a rope and put it around his neck and asked, "What would you do if I hung myself". What a horrible thing to do to your son. But I don't want to focus on this guy, we all know what he did was wrong.

I don't know how to honestly answer the question he's asking himself, but I know that day with the rope plays over and over in his mind, but I keep telling my son to tell him that He's important to us hoping that will count for something.

Thoughts?
 
I can imagine there must be "what if.." scenarios running through his head. What a terrible thing to say to a kid. I read something a while back about coping mechanisms for stress, that murder is the ultimate form of lashing out and suicide is the ultimate form of withdrawal. I'm no psychologist and hope this doesn't sound like spin, but my initial thoughts are, could the father have seen his son as a better person than he was? That the father was attempting to draw out an answer along the lines of "go ahead you jerk", which would have given him the satisfaction of dragging his son to his level?
I don't know. I don't feel qualified to offer any assistance, other than from one Christian to another, my thoughts and prayers are for him and your son.
 
[MENTION=841]StoveBolts[/MENTION] There is nothing that can be done about the flashes he will get about the rope ordeal. No amount of counseling in the world will take that away. Even if god heals the wound, the scar will remain for the rest of his life.

Its critical that the answer to his question be the truth. He needs to know that his dad loved him oh so very much but didnt properly know how to show it, as he himself was a man in great pain.

He is probably going to start to get, if not already, real mad at his dad for leaving him. Nobody can participate in or affirm the smack talk thats going to come out of his mouth about his dad. What might seem like sympathy are actually building blocks for living a life of hate. This is probably an area of stewardship your son would fit best, someone around him quite alot that would be able to shush peers on the down-low that think they might be helping when they arent.

Brick walls of hugs and empathy for every emotional fit to do with this whole situation will be the quickest growing seeds that you can sow. It wont cover everything but greeting the anger with that type of physical display of love goes far and is like weed-it for the hate.

This lad is standing on the edge of being a very angry person for a good bit of his life, probably the entire thing if he never meets Jesus. From what ive read so far on your demeanor, im more than certain you are taking every precaution and acting in entire propriety. Things i say are probably already known to you of course but had to say them anyway. So dont take this as a lecture. And again, from all of us that have been in similar or somewhat similar circumstances, thank you...very much. Incredible honour, just incredible.

Oh almost forgot, he is still a boy and some sort of discipline needs to be maintained. Not hardcore of course at this time but make sure he washes his hands for dinner and whatnot. Its more important than it sounds.


Vaccine said:
I'm no psychologist and hope this doesn't sound like spin, but my initial thoughts are, could the father have seen his son as a better person than he was?
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So much in fact that one could say he actually expected/hoped/demanded it. Not necessarily in that order.
 
while I can NOT say what the father was thinking and leading up to his suicide. I do know a lot about self loathing, and the issues of depression at times. its possible the father didn't know that he isn't alone in his struggle with his issues or how to put in perspective. not easy and not to be cliché but the jesus will heal you does work but its a long battle. one that I have fought on an off for some time. theres no magic bullet or quick verse that just heal you on this.
 
There are two things that come to mind, one that may be helpful in relieving his mind about what his dad thought of him.
It may be helpful to explain to him the dangers of alcoholism and poor judgment. That one says and does things that they do not mean and never would have said or done if their minds had been functioning in a healthy way. An alcoholic does not need to be actually in a drunken state to have poor judgment or to be thinking incorrectly.

The other thing that it may be important to watch for is him thinking that his dad may have actually been mentally ill, insane. Someone may even say this to him, it's fairly common for people to think that when a person commits suicide. Technically, he probably was but that's not here or there for this boy.
The reason that I mention this is. I had a friend many yrs. ago. We were both in our twenties. She was married with two children so she was not a child. Her own mother had commited suicide, she hung herself. My friend lived in fear that someday she would loose her mind just like her mother had.

We will continue to lift you all up in our prayers.
This must be difficult for your own son. He is a courageous young man, sticking by his friend. Bless him.
 
Thank you to everyone for your comments and suggestions. They are well received and helpful. Please feel free to share any additional thoughts if you think about it. Right now he's shutting down and he didn't go to school yesterday. My son is trying to stay in contact with him via facebook messaging. His mom doesn't know how to handle this and is aggravating him wanting him to talk, and he doesn't want to talk. I guess she suggested a counselor and that didn't go well with him. I need to say this in a nice way, but his mom... welll... she's got some issues. She tries at times but, well... you get the idea. Once nice thing about her lifestyle and the lifestyle of his dad, is that he's against drinking and drugs. He sees the negative effects of it and is working away from it, not toward it. Like I said earlier, he's got a good head on his shoulders for the most part and grew up before his time.

Anyway, this is what I like about our online community. So many caring, helpful and thoughtful members.
 
Dear brother Jeff,

your son is indeed an ambassador of Christ as he comforts his friend.
I thought the following excerpt of "Our Daily Bread" would apply:

"In times of distress, people rarely remember what we say. What they most remember is that we were there. Familiar faces offer strength beyond description; they provide comfort for the deep feelings of loneliness setting in from the loss. This “gift of presence” is one we’re all capable of offering, even if we’re tongue-tied or uncomfortable.

Martha and Mary were surrounded by friends and mourners who comforted them when their brother Lazarus died (John 11:19). Then the One they most longed to see—Jesus—came and wept with them (vv.33-35). The people responded, “See how He loved him!” (v.36).

In loss of any kind, Jesus always gives His comforting presence, and we have the ability to give deeply of His compassion simply by the gift of our presence."
--

As I thought about the father who committed suicide, his words spoken to his son made me rather feel pity for him than judging him for having harmed his son. "What would you do if I hung myself with this rope?" - May it be that he was an alcoholic, even drunk when saying these words. May it be that he was mentally ill, although we do not know that and people tend to label others as mentally ill when they do not understand their life-circumstances.
BUT don't you think that this poor man, who hadn't seen his son in over 2 months, was trying to ask for help? That he told his son about his suicidal thoughts in order to make one last attempt to find a purpose for his life?
That this father, who had once held his son as baby, was probably full of joy then about being a fresh father, proud of this little child in his arms? But in that later stage of his life, when everything looked hopeless, he maybe tried to provoke his son to say something like "Daddy, I love you. If you would do such a thing, I would terribly miss you. Please don't do it."
This is not meant to question his son whether he reacted right to his father's provocation, but rather it is meant to explain why the father acted like that. Further it might convince the son that the father was not disappointed by him, but by his own life, and that he loved him so much that he tried to confide in him what he couldn't tell others.

May God's peace be with you and your dear family.
Maedchen
 
Having come within milliseconds of suicide-many years ago-and without Jesus. I know now, I was looking for The Love That Comes From God-Not as the world gives. The Perfect and Pure Love from God. There was not one person connected in my life that had experienced His Love at the time. We can love like that when The Spirit of God indwells us. 1 Cor 13 about Love is Amazing. Oh my, we know that God is Love.

I absolutely agree and love what you wrote, Northman. It is so true. Anger is so much of the healing process. This young man needs to be covered up in prayer. As The Hand of God begins to move in his life in a new way. Glory!

Mr. Stove, Thank you because you may not know if you and your son may be the Only bit of God that he may ever see. I would suggest even using the word Love to the young man. Talking of God's Love to him-and even that we love each other-on the social thingy. Again, not as the world gives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this website. So I can be here. ok tears again. anyway.

Keep praying-He is listening.
Much love In Him, N.
 
I've always called you Steve, I see it's actually Stove (unless this is a nickname); what the Devil has been able to accomplish with that boy's Daddy is horrific of course, but we'll give him no glory. His Daddy was selfish and knew not love, else he would not have left his boy. The lie the Devil will try to infect him with is that it's his fault.
As for that boy, he needs Jesus deeply and desperately, because only He can ever take away the pain, the loneliness, the anguish. My God, I pray for that boy to be made whole, and he can be. Stove, I would say do as the Father leads you. May God use you to move mightily in his life.
 
NeedTheLord said:
Having come within milliseconds of suicide-many years ago-and without Jesus. I know now, I was looking for The Love That Comes From God-Not as the world gives. The Perfect and Pure Love from God. There was not one person connected in my life that had experienced His Love at the time. We can love like that when The Spirit of God indwells us. 1 Cor 13 about Love is Amazing. Oh my, we know that God is Love.

I absolutely agree and love what you wrote, Northman. It is so true. Anger is so much of the healing process. This young man needs to be covered up in prayer. As The Hand of God begins to move in his life in a new way. Glory!

Mr. Stove, Thank you because you may not know if you and your son may be the Only bit of God that he may ever see. I would suggest even using the word Love to the young man. Talking of God's Love to him-and even that we love each other-on the social thingy. Again, not as the world gives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this website. So I can be here. ok tears again. anyway.

Keep praying-He is listening.
Much love In Him, N.
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Well, the Lord most graciously preserved you, right? as you would now understand, to His praise and glory.
It's great to be able to look back with thankfulness.
Blessings, f
 
NeedTheLord said:
Having come within milliseconds of suicide-many years ago-and without Jesus. I know now, I was looking for The Love That Comes From God-Not as the world gives. The Perfect and Pure Love from God. There was not one person connected in my life that had experienced His Love at the time. We can love like that when The Spirit of God indwells us. 1 Cor 13 about Love is Amazing. Oh my, we know that God is Love.

I absolutely agree and love what you wrote, Northman. It is so true. Anger is so much of the healing process. This young man needs to be covered up in prayer. As The Hand of God begins to move in his life in a new way. Glory!

Mr. Stove, Thank you because you may not know if you and your son may be the Only bit of God that he may ever see. I would suggest even using the word Love to the young man. Talking of God's Love to him-and even that we love each other-on the social thingy. Again, not as the world gives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this website. So I can be here. ok tears again. anyway.

Keep praying-He is listening.
Much love In Him, N.
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Thank you.
As an update, about a month ago this young man tried to commit suicide himself by way of hanging. His strap broke and he literally cracked his head open and fractured his skull.
Child protective services came onto the scene and he was released to us (after a week in the hospital). A preliminary investigation occurred and the next day his two younger sisters were taken from the home. He was moved from our home to a very good foster home in the area to be with his two younger sisters.

This was all too much for his Mother and after a few days, she was able to see her two daughters and her son. She had a breakdown after the visit and jumped out of the passenger seat of the car she was in at 50 mph. The next day we surrounded her bed as they took her off life support.

His sisters mean the world to him, and while he was in the hospital he promised his Mom he would NEVER try to commit suicide every again. He will hold to that promise for all of his life.

He's coming to our youth group on Wednesday nite, and his foster home goes to a fantastic church right around the corner from our church and he enjoys it very much. Yesterday morning I was facebook messaging him and I ended the conversation with , "God is good", and he replied, "All the time". He's in a good home and he's got a lot of support. For such a tragic series of events, he's going to be ok and through it all, "God is Good".
 
StoveBolts said:
Thank you.
As an update, about a month ago this young man tried to commit suicide himself by way of hanging. His strap broke and he literally cracked his head open and fractured his skull.
Child protective services came onto the scene and he was released to us (after a week in the hospital). A preliminary investigation occurred and the next day his two younger sisters were taken from the home. He was moved from our home to a very good foster home in the area to be with his two younger sisters.

This was all too much for his Mother and after a few days, she was able to see her two daughters and her son. She had a breakdown after the visit and jumped out of the passenger seat of the car she was in at 50 mph. The next day we surrounded her bed as they took her off life support.

His sisters mean the world to him, and while he was in the hospital he promised his Mom he would NEVER try to commit suicide every again. He will hold to that promise for all of his life.

He's coming to our youth group on Wednesday nite, and his foster home goes to a fantastic church right around the corner from our church and he enjoys it very much. Yesterday morning I was facebook messaging him and I ended the conversation with , "God is good", and he replied, "All the time". He's in a good home and he's got a lot of support. For such a tragic series of events, he's going to be ok and through it all, "God is Good".
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Whew. Covered up in prayer...Whew. Tears Flowing...Much love to you In Him, Mr. StoveBolts. Much much, N.
 
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