How to Deal With Being Single

[Freik]

Little bit of background information: I'm a 20 year old guy who's been attending his church for about 12 years, which is currently running about 250 on a good Sunday. I'm single and have never had a girlfriend.

So, my question for all of you who've had a few more years of wisdom and singleness, how do you deal with being single? Does it get any easier with time? Will I ever stop noticing the ridiculously large amounts of couples at every public place I go to?

This past year has been pretty tough for me. Mentally, anyways. There are quite literally no single girls between 18 and 26 at my church (well, that's not quite true, there is 1, but trust me, not even an option). I feel like I'm just about surrounded by couples, everyone is either married, engaged, or in a relationship. There's also about 3 other single guys, but 1 of them is going to college, 1 is going to China for a year, and the other one is probably going to hook up with someone he met at work soon, so it's going to be just me soon. I'm pretty much stuck at my church since I work there as the media/IT/janitor/maintenance/what-ever-else-no-on-can-do guy, so changing churches or leaving town is pretty much not an option right now, and this is actually good experience for me on my road to becoming a Media Pastor.

I've really just been feeling left out and lonely lately. I don't see any hope of a young lady walking through the doors of my church anytime soon, there's nothing at my church for single young adults. I'm tired of it. How can I go just one day without thinking about being single? I don't think I'll be able to handle (potential) years of it without going insane or snapping and doing something stupid.

Thanks for your thoughts!

 

[DrFrank]

Most great ideas are at their root quite simple in nature.

GOOD SIMPLE IDEA: Shop around for a new church with a large young adult fellowship group. :onfire 3

 

[NestForASparrow]

Hang out with other singles in a youth Church group. I am part of such a group and there are several other such small groups (we call them missional groups, which when mine was larger had its own small groups) in my Church...many of us are in our late 20s, 30s, and even early 40s....still single though we had several weddings within the last year and I foresee many more weddings in the next two/three years (lol maybe even myself) It gives you something to do without feeling left out because you are single.

Being single gets both easier and harder with time. Easier because you get used to be single...I now fear commitment. It also gets harder because you know you are getting older and your parents start to pester you on when you are going to find someone to make you happy....and have grandchildren (my father is turning 65 in two months).

I used to attend a Church at home where there was little chance for me to meet someone. I think there was only one gal in my age range and that was after I had left...I still attend occasionally when I visit my parents.

 

[PouringRain]

I dunno if I can answer your questions, because I am fine with being single. Does it get easier? Possibly. It seems to me when I look around at singles, the ones who are least happy being single are also the least happy with themself. I do not know you, so I am not saying anything about you. Only you can decide that. I would suggest not worrying about it nor thinking about it. God's timing is not our own time. Get involved in things and don't sit around waiting on some female to come by. Just focus on your life and drawing closer to God. There is a good book: Dr. Myles Monroe "Single, Married, Separated, and Life After Divorce."

 

[LaMexicana]

Wait until you're 27 and everyone is getting married or having their second child! Good times...can we say third wheel?? And I'm going to be a bridesmaid next year...woohoo...welcome to my life...

Honestly, I don't think it gets "easier" but you have to put your concentration elsewhere. Maybe it's easy for me because I have a daughter to take care of so I can't completely concentrate on the fact that I'm alone...I always have this little person distracting me. But other than that, I run 5k's, play volleyball and go to the gym nightly. I do things that a lot of people can't/don't do when they have someone else in their life. It keeps me busy and makes me feel better. It's still hard to see couples and hang out with them and I wonder when my time will come but I have other things going for me right now and I'm ok with that. And for the most part I've settled with the fact that I might not meet someone until I'm 40 and my kid is out of the house...

But who knows?? Only God and I trust that I'm still alone for a good reason. I say distract yourself, find things you love to do and do them regularly!

 

[matt633]

Dr Myles Munroe has some great teachings on Singleness. I recommend you look them up.

 

[Empty-Handed-Way]

Hurro!

As a fellow single-person I agree, yeah, it can be tough...
Two things I've come across that might be of help to you;
1) This advice is from a Muslim lecture I attended, but I think this advice is pretty sound for all of us. "Find your soul, then find your soulmate." If you haven't found your soulmate yet, try not to worry too much about it, just focus on being the best you can be. (Though by all means, don't stop searching!)
2) The second piece follows from the first; In Canada, I was usually occupied with something every day. Now that I am in China, I am not so buisy (my Chinese is terrible!!!), and the isolation and down time can really bring out such issues... Try to keep active and get involved with something that interests you (I'd suggest martial arts, but I'm biased like that! ), and spend time with friends if you can!

Hope this helps! ;) I'll Pray for you!

 

[JohnEboy1983]

My Pastor told me something that really made me think about it in regards to being single. He told me that anybody who is married can face the possibility that they may lose their loved one tommorrow and they would be single again. Just because you are either married or single, does not mean that is how life is always going to be. While I pray that never happens to any married couples, it is a possibility it can happen, and while you may be single, it does not mean you will be single forever either. He told me we need to be 100% complete in ourselves. He said two halves do not make 1 whole, but rather two wholes, make one whole. Be complete and content in yourself and in your situation, for the single season, may just be a season.

 

[DeepBlueSea]

Yes it gets easier.. especially as you begin to see how miserable marriage can make someone who isnt right with God. I am 33 and know SO MANY people who are damaged due to divorce, not to mention the kids involved. For example, I know a guy whos wife left him after 14 years, one whos wife left after 18 years, and another guy who has been divorced twice. The pain these people are going through is immeasureable. The guy who has been divorced twice is so emotionally damaged, he is now totally undateable. Being married outside the will of God has very severe consequences. I have been engaged twice and thank God I was spared the pain of divorce because I am CERTAIN thats where those two marriages would have led me.. So instead of focusing on my singleness, I praise God that He has a plan for me and pray that when I do finally meet that person, it will be right.

The point is to wait on God and focus on becoming the best you can be in Him, because when God finally does decide to bless you with a relationship, you want it to glorify Him.

And when you DO meet someone, dont make the mistake I just made (read my other post haha).. because that is SURE to mess it up.

 

[DeepBlueSea]

Does God really care if we are single and tired of it? How are we to know if God doesnt want us to get married? I think about this at times.. then try to remember its better to be single than married to the wrong person...But, really, does God care when we have those moments where we are sitting home alone and tired of it?

 

[Caroline]

Ok, I am 23, women, single and I have almost the same "status" as you.
I've never have a boyfriend. The youth group at my church is basically made up of teenagers (aged 12-18) and the only "man" available (the youth leader, since I left this position a year ago) is four years younger than me (although he is a VERY MATURE person with strong convictions). Everyone in church says we are going to marry, but we're definitely not interested in each other.

My faith is not based on people or relationships. They are important, but my faith is God-centered and my goal is to walk in agreement with the Bible. God said to Paul "My grace is sufficient for you.." (2 Corinthians 12.9). I will not "change church" or "change something" in my life because everybody has a boyfriend or a girlfriend and I am alone. My part here is to wait on God and I'm sure He has the best for me IN THE BEST MOMENT. As young and single we should think about growing in God, and sure, we must pray so God lead us to the right one.

I am not saying here that I don't need relationships or a boyfriend to share moments and be by my side. I have my needs as a human being (if not I wouldn't be reading the topics about being single in the first place) and I've been in your situation before, looking foward to know somebody (as many of my friends are 26+, most married with children) who's the one, but I've learned that I don't need to be in a hurry because OUR GOD has someone special for me and I shall wait with patience

I would like to share another verse:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" (NIV) Matthew 6.25

DO NOT WORRY ABOUT YOUR LIFE. OUR LIFE IS MORE THAN WE SEE OR USE OR SPEAK, IT'S ABOUT ENOJOY GOD AND REJOICING IN HIM

 

[JohnEboy1983]

Amen, Caroline.........Amen. I was told by some other people to try a different church that has more people my age, but like you said.. i am not going to change a church for that reason, nor am I going to change who I am so I can attract somebody. One of the older guys I play pool with told me how he met his wife and he prayed to God and made a list of what he wanted in a wife and he was a country boy and she was a city girl and God brought them together and they are still together after many many years together. I admit that I get caught up searching too much, but I know that if God wants me with somebody he will make that divine appointment. So like you said using scripture, that we really should not give thought or worry.

 

[DeepBlueSea]

I think we have to reach a point where we are willing to totally surrender to Gods will for our lives. Even if it means being single.. not only saying it BUT MEANING IT. the thought that keeps going through my mind in quiet time is that any plan God has for me is way better than any plan I had for myself. It is a struggle, but I am closer to that than ever. I am willing to accept living a life of singleness if thats what God asks me to do. The truth is, some of us wont ever marry.. but God has a purpose for that.

 

[God&DogGirl]

It is so frustrating. The only boyfriend I've ever had was abusive and didn't last long. The good guys I know won't give me a second look.

But I'm accepting it because it gives me more time to focus on what I need to do. Not that I wouldn't love to be engaged like my friends right now, not that I wouldn't like to have a guy interested in me, but I'm okay with it.

 

[Ashling]

As a 30 year old single who has had only one (brief) boyfriend, I sympathize with you! I know where you're coming from because I've spent many years in the same place. When I've asked the same question that you are, I've not gotten satisfactory replies, so my reply will be from my own experience.

The way I see it now, how you feel about being single will vary from time to time. Sometimes you won't mind so much because you're enjoying your life and not thinking about the fact that you're single. Other times, you'll feel depressed because you are feeling lonely. This is all normal. Your desire for a partner in life is God-given and perfectly OK! However, if you are doing whatever you can to get yourself out there and meet new people, however you choose to do that, then you ultimately have to wait on God's will for your life. Pray, pray, pray! Go to church regularly. Do your best at whatever He has given you to do, whether it's school or a job. Develop your skills as a person and pursue the things you love. Do your best to grow into a Godly, mature man.

And since you're a guy, I would add, be realistic. You're probably not model material (precious few people are) so don't set your expectations unrealistically high. We girls want to be pursued and desired, so if you do meet a Christian girl you like, pursue her! Don't be afraid of bad experiences, everyone has them. They help us to grow as human beings and to know ourselves and our needs better.

So be intentional about your desire for a mate and pursue that goal with the same purpose you give to other goals in your life (like I said above- get out there as much as you can and meet new Christian singles.) As the guy, you have more control than us girls over whether you date or not (we usually prefer to wait to be asked out, but you get to do the asking), so make use of it!

I hope this is helpful to you! Take heart, always hope, and keep praying!

 

[persecuted]

lol... I think I don't qualify so much as a "single" but rather as a "disaster" the way it all went down. Thought I'd get married some day but now know I won't. But here is the good news... when you go to buy a ticket to a concert or big sporting event and the ticket agent says "I'm sorry but we only have single seats available" it's like YESSSSS! Then when Christmas comes along you don't have to worry about buying her a nice gift which maybe won't go over so well as you'd hoped or have to figure out excuses to escape to watch as many Bowl games as possible... or spend hours at the mall... or wasting entire days trying to agree on an activity, event or which movie. And when some hot woman goes by you can look without having to pretend that you didn't notice. Actually its all very amusing because if you stay single long enough as your worth to women goes down it doesn't even seem to matter because they start to seem less and less needed anyhow. It even gets to the point of asking out women on those super rare occasions realizing I'm secretly hoping they will reject me so I don't have to drastically change my lame but free life.

 

[franny50]

It is especially hard being a single never married middle aged woman when most of your friends are married or in commited relationships.

 

[JohnEboy1983]

Hi Franny, I have some questions for you. I just want to hear some of the answers to my questions from a person who has been single never married for that long and what seems like to me, has the desire to be married, but never came across him.

1. Have you always been the person who has desired marriage but just never came across that special someone?

2. How many times have you tried dating to see if you are compatible for marriage? Did you meet alot of people and they all just never worked out or did you hardly ever meet anybody?

3. What type of standards do you have....can you list some critical ones or desired ones?

4. Were you always looking for someone or did you ever just stop and give it into the Lords hands?

5. Did you pray to the Lord about finding somebody? And how is your walk with God?

I suppose I am just looking for some feedback on how other singles, especially for those who have been single unmarried for a long time on how they felt or what they went through and if they felt like they were always lacking somebody being single or not.

 

[franny50]

Hi Franny, I have some questions for you. I just want to hear some of the answers to my questions from a person who has been single never married for that long and what seems like to me, has the desire to be married, but never came across him.

1. Have you always been the person who has desired marriage but just never came across that special someone?

2. How many times have you tried dating to see if you are compatible for marriage? Did you meet alot of people and they all just never worked out or did you hardly ever meet anybody?

3. What type of standards do you have....can you list some critical ones or desired ones?

4. Were you always looking for someone or did you ever just stop and give it into the Lords hands?

5. Did you pray to the Lord about finding somebody? And how is your walk with God?

I suppose I am just looking for some feedback on how other singles, especially for those who have been single unmarried for a long time on how they felt or what they went through and if they felt like they were always lacking somebody being single or not.

I dated off and on until my early forties,but sort of gave up looking for the right man for almost a decade.I never really felt a strong pull to get married until I was over 35,but didn't date all that much.My standards aren't especially high.i am looking for a man who is bright,funny,educated,not living with his mom and someone with spiritual values.Because I am older now,I prefer someone with either grown kids or no children.And yes in the pass,I have prayed for someone,but I guess God had other plans for me,since I am now a fulltime caregiver for an elderly uncle.

 

[God&DogGirl]

I'm just going to add that right now, I'm definitely going through that "I'm single" depression. I haven't met a single guy I would even consider dating in my entire life and guys just ignore me. It's frustrating when I think about high school and how I was never asked out. I really want to be in a good relationship and there isn't anyone who can possibly work with me. Are my expectations too high? I really don't think so.

Anyway, 20 years and one abusive relationship also makes me hate this desire. I know what I want but I'm afraid of being abused again. I just wish I didn't have it at all.

So I really know how all these single ladies are going through right now. It's not easy. Hopefully I'll bounce back pretty soon because I often randomly love single life after being slightly depressed about it.