Why was i kicked out of this Christian communal home?

[Sadie101]

A while back, i lived in a communal Christian home. Dating was not allowed and we had to treat each other like brother's and sister's in the Lord.
The elder of the house, who did not live there, would visit at times. One day he came to me saying he needed to talk to me. He said i seemed depressed, what's up? I told him i had a crush on the deacon of the house. He looked very shocked and displeased, but didn't say much.

After that..i felt very guilty. And like a fool, i felt i needed to tell the deacon i liked him, to sorta relieve my guilty feelings or something and get things out in the open.

Anyway, when i told him i liked him, he was very surprised...and he said "My flesh eats it up".
I also told him i had been dreaming of him a lot lately, but that they weren't anything sexual.
He kinda got quiet when i told him that, then said a few more things that i cant remember now, and then quickly closed the conversation.

After that meeting, he literally avoided me like the plague.
About 2 days later, the elder came by again and asked me to leave. No explanations or anything.

So basically, i got kicked out because i liked the deacon.
Before i left, i spoke to the deacon one more time and started crying in front of him. He told me dating wasn't allowed there, and that it wasn't the Lords will..etc...
And before he signed off, he told me to repent and ask for forgiveness.

Now my questions are...

What did i do wrong?
Why did he tell me to repent?
And what did he mean by "his flesh eats it up"?

 

[Adullam]

A while back, i lived in a communal Christian home. Dating was not allowed and we had to treat each other like brother's and sister's in the Lord.
The elder of the house, who did not live there, would visit at times. One day he came to me saying he needed to talk to me. He said i seemed depressed, what's up? I told him i had a crush on the deacon of the house. He looked very shocked and displeased, but didn't say much.

After that..i felt very guilty. And like a fool, i felt i needed to tell the deacon i liked him, to sorta relieve my guilty feelings or something and get things out in the open.

Anyway, when i told him i liked him, he was very surprised...and he said "My flesh eats it up".
I also told him i had been dreaming of him a lot lately, but that they weren't anything sexual.
He kinda got quiet when i told him that, then said a few more things that i cant remember now, and then quickly closed the conversation.

After that meeting, he literally avoided me like the plague.
About 2 days later, the elder came by again and asked me to leave. No explanations or anything.

So basically, i got kicked out because i liked the deacon.
Before i left, i spoke to the deacon one more time and started crying in front of him. He told me dating wasn't allowed there, and that it wasn't the Lords will..etc...
And before he signed off, he told me to repent and ask for forgiveness.

Now my questions are...

What did i do wrong?
Why did he tell me to repent?
And what did he mean by "his flesh eats it up"?

I was once an elder in a community house myself (although I lived there as well).

First...is the deacon married?

Having crushes on others, falling in love, and the like , are common "problems" associated with communal living. These affections can do a lot of damage...especially among those that are already married. But it affects non-married people as well. The flesh is weak.

When someone has an intense feeling for another (outside of marriage), this brings an imbalance to the group.... that is, unless it is reciprocated and pursued properly and in an orderly fashion. Often, a community group is immature and will PANIC at the first signs of imbalance. The elders will seek to control the feelings and emotions of others...thus creating an even bigger issue. More rules ensue. But this is a call to greater maturity.

One must understand the context. It is quite posible that the elder over-reacted. It is quite possible that you were too agressive in pursuing your affection. Remember, a Christian community is not there to feed a person's personal affections. Being in community, one must wait for others to "catch up," to any new situation. Wisdom is required.

Back to your situation. The deacon was flattered...this is evident, and he was possibly being tempted into a relationship with you...in the flesh (which eats up this kind of adulation). The deacon did what was right and sought the help of the elder. The elder sought to protect the deacon, at your expense. You may have been seen as a conduit for the enemy. He should have sat down with you and explained the reason for his actions.

Learning to live in community is not always graceful and easy. It actually never is! There are a lot of bumps along the way. Affections of this type are even harder to deal with than personal animosities at times. Inordinate affection is a work of the flesh in the soul...and does upset peace in the spirit.

The solution depends on the individual case....the hope is that a greater consecration to Christ is brought about.

John

 

[Sadie101]

Hi John! Thanks for your kind response.

I was once an elder in a community house myself (although I lived there as well).

Cool.

First...is the deacon married?

No, he was not, nor did he have a girlfriend. No one was that lived there. Everybody was totally single.

One must understand the context. It is quite possible that the elder over-reacted. It is quite possible that you were too aggressive in pursuing your affection.

Umm, quite the complete opposite. No one even knew i had feelings for the deacon. Not until i opened my mouth to the elder and then told the deacon himself.
I was/am also a very shy introverted kind of girl, the complete opposite of aggressive. I also had no problems what so ever the whole entire time i lived there. I got along with everyone, always obeyed the rules without talking back...etc. It was actually a very good place. I enjoyed it very much. But as soon as i let on that i had feelings for the deacon, out i went asap!

Back to your situation. The deacon was flattered...this is evident, and he was possibly being tempted into a relationship with you...in the flesh (which eats up this kind of adulation). The deacon did what was right and sought the help of the elder. The elder sought to protect the deacon, at your expense. You may have been seen as a conduit for the enemy. He should have sat down with you and explained the reason for his actions.

I totally agree. The elder should have explained things to me instead of making me feel like i committed a crime.

Inordinate affection is a work of the flesh in the soul...and does upset peace in the spirit.

I don't see where my feelings for the deacon were inordinate works of the flesh. I also believe my feelings were beyond just a silly crush. Its just easier for me to use the word crush then to say i loved him. :gah

The solution depends on the individual case....the hope is that a greater consecration to Christ is brought about.

John

Thanks John.

 

[Adullam]

Sadie, it sounds like they both just over-reacted. It is too bad you had to be scape-goated as you were. We must learn that love is not a bad thing. Nor is it an occasion for the flesh. It is a pale shadow of the love that God has for us. We ought to learn to be more at ease with love.

It may be because we love so little that there is widespread panic when it shows up!

God bless you sister!

John

 

[Photosmith]

I don't know about any of you, but putting a bunch of single people together under one roof doesn't seem like it can lead anywhere but people ending up either having or at least wanting a more than superficial relationship with each other. I would think the only way it would ever work is to have two separate homes separated by gender so there's that physical distance between the two.

 

[Sadie101]

Sadie, it sounds like they both just over-reacted. It is too bad you had to be scape-goated as you were. We must learn that love is not a bad thing. Nor is it an occasion for the flesh. It is a pale shadow of the love that God has for us. We ought to learn to be more at ease with love.

It may be because we love so little that there is widespread panic when it shows up!

God bless you sister!

John

Yeah, sounds like it.
Thanks John.

 

[Adullam]

I don't know about any of you, but putting a bunch of single people together under one roof doesn't seem like it can lead anywhere but people ending up either having or at least wanting a more than superficial relationship with each other. I would think the only way it would ever work is to have two separate homes separated by gender so there's that physical distance between the two.

Good point. In my experience we have had a house for single sisters and another for single brothers.

 

[Sadie101]

I don't know about any of you, but putting a bunch of single people together under one roof doesn't seem like it can lead anywhere but people ending up either having or at least wanting a more than superficial relationship with each other. I would think the only way it would ever work is to have two separate homes separated by gender so there's that physical distance between the two.

I agree, i thought of that too. I think they had it set up that way because they wanted both the guys and the girls to be able to fellowship as brothers and sisters in the Lord, so they didn't separate the living situation.
It is kinda odd them not expecting anything to ever happen tho, then treat it like a sin, when indeed it was not. I can see if someone was coming on to someone in a lustful sexual way, but this was not the case with me.

 

[Guest]

I don't know about any of you, but putting a bunch of single people together under one roof doesn't seem like it can lead anywhere but people ending up either having or at least wanting a more than superficial relationship with each other. I would think the only way it would ever work is to have two separate homes separated by gender so there's that physical distance between the two.

Generally speaking, people seem to have a difficult time forming close strictly platonic relationships with someone of the opposite gender. Thus, living together under the same roof can prove difficult for people.

That said, I have lived in a mixed habitation environment (i.e., dormitory) and never encountered any problems myself, and I was close friends with many of the girls in the dorm. Thus, mixed habitation is not beneficial for most people, but for some people it doesn't serve a problem.

 

[animal]

I live with a girl now, a very attractive girl, and we set our own boundaries. The reason we don't have sex isn't because we're not allowed to. It's because we know what's best for ourselves. Irrational rules and regulations just create emotional chaos and I believe you did nothing wrong.

 

[Sadie101]

Irrational rules and regulations just create emotional chaos and I believe you did nothing wrong.

Thank you. But why did he tell me to repent? That could be very damaging to someone..How could it be a sin to like someone?