ADD/ADHD children

[paisley]

I have been quite busy so I have not been able to keep up with this thread, but I came across this article http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060208/ap_ ... on_deficit
it is about ADHD drugs killing 25 kids and causing serious health problems to others so I think we should take great caution before turning to drugs.

Have things gotten any better for you Nikki? I am not ADD so it is really difficult for me to understand this world and sometimes it makes it difficult to understand my son. Perhaps it is the same for you and your daughter? This certainly makes it more frustrating. For me, I had no problems concentrating as a child. I could be told once to do something and I never needed to be told again. I could be given an assignment that was due in 3 months, and I could do it without a reminder. I just breezed through school with honors and was a 4.0 college graduate. I knew I did not make these scholastic achievements because I was so smart. I figured anyone could do it if they just "applied themselves". However, now I see that that is not entirely true. It is still true that I don't consider myself any more intelligent than the next person, but after having my son I don't think it is true that everyone can be a 4.0, honors student. My son may prove to be more intelligent than I am, but I doubt he will ever show it academically or at least not in the traditional school model. My goal now is to understand my son, his individual gifts, and for me to allow God to show me how to train him and prepare him for His service. From Merry's, Steve's, and Kefka's posts, I think patience and understanding seem to be important for parents of ADD children.
Merry, thank you for answering my questions. Your answers have given me perspective and direction.

 

[paisley]

Merry, Kefka, Stove, and other ADD people, as I am still trying to figure ADD out, I would like to ask questions of people who actually have ADD in hopes of understanding my son more. One question is when you were small children (1st-2nd grade) do you think you would have liked being homeschooled and do you think it would have benefitted you? How do you think you would have responded if your mother said she was going to do this for you? Any responses would be appreciated.

 

[Nikki]

I have been quite busy so I have not been able to keep up with this thread, but I came across this article http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060208/ap_ ... on_deficit
it is about ADHD drugs killing 25 kids and causing serious health problems to others so I think we should take great caution before turning to drugs.

Have things gotten any better for you Nikki? I am not ADD so it is really difficult for me to understand this world and sometimes it makes it difficult to understand my son. Perhaps it is the same for you and your daughter? This certainly makes it more frustrating. For me, I had no problems concentrating as a child. I could be told once to do something and I never needed to be told again. I could be given an assignment that was due in 3 months, and I could do it without a reminder. I just breezed through school with honors and was a 4.0 college graduate. I knew I did not make these scholastic achievements because I was so smart. I figured anyone could do it if they just "applied themselves". However, now I see that that is not entirely true. It is still true that I don't consider myself any more intelligent than the next person, but after having my son I don't think it is true that everyone can be a 4.0, honors student. My son may prove to be more intelligent than I am, but I doubt he will ever show it academically or at least not in the traditional school model. My goal now is to understand my son, his individual gifts, and for me to allow God to show me how to train him and prepare him for His service. From Merry's, Steve's, and Kefka's posts, I think patience and understanding seem to be important for parents of ADD children.
Merry, thank you for answering my questions. Your answers have given me perspective and direction.

Things have gotten better at school, but not at home. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't know WHAT to do. We do a token reward system, so they've been getting rewarded for good behavior for over a year now. When my kids make bad choices or misbehave, they lose tokens.

It's so hard to be patient with her. It's like everything I say doesn't even enter hear brain. I find myself getting so frustrated and I try my hardest not to, but there are times that I lost it and will say "What is wrong with you?!". Of course I feel terrible after I say it though.

I'm not going to put her on meds. That's a LAST resort. She's doing better in school thanks to the teachers working with her. I just wonder why things can't get better at home. I feel like a failure as a parent.

 

[Nikki]

Merry, Kefka, Stove, and other ADD people, as I am still trying to figure ADD out, I would like to ask questions of people who actually have ADD in hopes of understanding my son more. One question is when you were small children (1st-2nd grade) do you think you would have liked being homeschooled and do you think it would have benefitted you? How do you think you would have responded if your mother said she was going to do this for you? Any responses would be appreciated.

Sorry. I had to chime in. I homeschooled this particular daughter in Kindergarten. I don't think I could have done it longer though because I had trouble finding a really good support group/play group (she CRAVED wanting to play with other kids besides her sister), plus she just seems to do better with her current teachers. They're educated on how to deal with ADD/ADHD kids. I'm not.

Everyone is different though. You could always try it. Public school will ALWAYS be there if it doesn't work. We had a lot of fun, but it was just kindergarten and I didn't have to use a particular curriculum. Now, seeing all they do in school at such a young age, I know I made the right decision letting her go to public school. I could never get her to understand the things that they have to learn.

 

[paisley]

Nikki, I really do understand how you feel. People used to marvel at me at how patient I was and how I never got angry, but somehow after having my son, all that has gone out the window. I am guessing you are not ADD either otherwise your daughter might make a little more sense to you as my son with me.
This is not ADD related, but I did make one stride forward with my son after reading the 5 Love Languages of Kids. I really am not into these types of books but for some reason I read it and it made a lot of sense. Have you read it? Not only is my son ADD which makes it hard for me to relate to him but also he speaks a totally different love language. He speaks the language of gifts, which seemed so shallow to me. However, I started trying to communicate with him in his love language, and things became a lot smoother around our house because not only due to my frustration of not being able to understand him, but also my using a love language that he did not understand, he sometimes said he felt like I did not love him which broke my heart because I love him more than my own life. However, after I began speaking his love language, he became a little easier to manage and to be around, and he began expressing how much he feels so loved by me. Perhaps you are experiencing a similiar problem as I did. Perhaps you and your daughter are really clashing because she is not feeling like you love her because you are speaking a different love language than she is. If you have not read this book, I recommend it. I don't know, but perhaps ADD people react in more aggerated fashions than others (sorry to all the ADD people out there), but I did read that ADD people tend to be emotional and have mood swings. My son definitely has mood swings, what about your daughter?
As for homeschooling, this is something I am seriously considering. I don't live in America so I don't have access to any special ADD programs or teachers with special ADD training. My son did go to Kindergarten and is in the public 1st grade now and I don't regret either of these decisions. However, now I really am faced with wondering if continuing in the public school would be beneficial to my son or not. He is in an excellent school with excellent staff and teachers, but since entering the public school he has started calling himself "dumb", "stupid", "I have a bad head", etc because he realizes for the first time that he is not performing as well as the other kids. Moreover, his report card was shocking to me. I guess since school was so easy for me, I just assumed all kids get staight A's in 1st grade, but he has gotten a very poor report. He comes home with grades like 40 and 50 so I am sure his teacher and others think that is all he can do, but when he is home with me, he can do the work 100%. So I know he is smart, but the problem is he can not be handed a sheet of paper with 50 small print math problems on it and be expected to quickly finish it independently. His mind wonders by the time he gets to number 5. On the other hand, when he was 4 he was in Kumon, which is a self paced study program, and the Kumon teacher said he was far ahead of the other kids who had been in there much longer than he had. So in our circumstance, I am thinking for his own self esteem, just one year of homeschooling may build him back up and hopefully I can find some concentration skills to help him. However, I am concerned about friends and nurturing his other language. I just wonder how other ADDers would have felt about this since I am a bit clueless at this time and I don't know if I could trust my son's feelings to give me a clear answer since he is still too young and moody to understand and make this sort of a decision for himself.

 

[Nikki]

I'm so glad that I'm not alone.

Kailey is VERY moody at times. She can go form being the happiest kid in the world to being the most miserable kid. It literally makes me dizzy at times.

I'll see if I can get that book from the library. If not, I may buy it since you said it was good.

 

[lovely]

I home educate a child with ADHD, and he does very well, by the grace of God. It worked well for us because we were able to be more consistent in every way (including diet), and felt like we could avoid medication without feeling like we were putting him in a system where he would need to rely on it for success.

The other benefit for our family was being able to focus on God our entire day. Beginning in the earlier years, we were able to study the Word, memorize...which helps so much...learn hymns, and study character traits...especially concerning hard work, completing tasks, and focusing on what God has put before us. And another, attitude...having a thankful, and grateful heart, which really helps them to combat moodiness, and depression. Prayer, the armor of God, and fruits of the Spirit are so key in this too. We also felt it was better to not overstimulate him, so television, video games, and the like were absent. Reading, music, and art were stressed instead. This reading was me reading beautiful rich Scripture, and classical literature to him...this is still his favorite thing...to have mom read to him. The music was learning violin, now guitar, and singing hymns. Learning to lean on God for help when we fail, for our sin, and studying the World, and character traits that are pleasing to God, this seems to really gird him up for the more challenging things he faces now as a nine year old.

My husband thought farm life would be the best solution for both of our boys in terms of aggression. The hard work, and consistent life, seemed to more than agree with them, and the animals have taught them things that will benefit them for life. There seems to be an encouragement to focus on what you are doing when the life of an animal you love depends on it. They are also so loving, it makes for a peaceful atomosphere.

We have some struggles, that I could contribute to ADHD, but I address it as sin in his life. Prayer for him, for all of our children, has been my biggest encouragment as a mother. I hope this helps someone. The Lord bless you all.

 

[Kefka]

Nikki, you are not a failure as a parent... if you were you wouldn't be asking for help. Unfortunately that'll happen (things you say seemingly going ingored) it's because many kids with ADD seriously can't avoid being distracted. They start out with every intention of doing what you tell them... and then a piece of lint floats through the air. I used to be so bad that I would look at a math equation, like 5+4... and I would see the 5, and then get distracted by the addition sign. Everybody gets frustrated, you're entitiled to that as a human being, your girl will grow up to be free from it, I'm getting much better. As long as you let her know that you love her after you get frustrated with her, it won't scar her for life or anything.

paisley, for me personally homeschooling wouldn't have helped at that age. I homeschool now, and I'm doing good. In grades 1 and 2, I would've missed the social interaction too much, and at that age my teachers were usually pretty organized and structured... so it was made easier for me. When I got in to higher grades, my report card got worse because there was more responsibility put me to stay organized. When I got into highschool, trying to juggle eight courses was a failure from the beginning... I tried to drop my applied skills class (which consisted of cooking, sewing and shop) so that I could have a period to go to the study hall to make sure I had everything in order. The counseller said that I was just trying to have a free class to make sure I never had homework, he didn't allow me the time because the marks on my government exams were too high. Yet I failed nearly every class. Which brought about the popular saying in my family, "He's smart enough to get the As, but too stupid to hand his work in." Trust me, that's the kind of attitude you want to avoid.

The fact that you guys are willing to ask for help, and are in fact doing everything you can is actually pretty inspiring.

 

[Klee shay]

Hello Nikki

My experience has not come from a child diagnosed with any behavioural disorders, but more from a high maintenance child. I want to share my story with you because God is revealing things about my behaviour, through my daughters'.

What do I mean by a child with high maintenance? Well basically she requires a different kind of love and support than I am use to giving - therefore she is high maintenance "to me". I was always a responsible child growing up myself. I always made accommodations for grown-ups requests; I treated them with respect and I always did my utmost to fit in. My child on the other hand is the complete opposite. She will be responsible when she feels like it. She will accomodate my expectations when she feels like it and 'fitting in' doesn't seem to equate with her.

While this sounds like selfish/irresponsible behaviour on her part (and I've often thought this previously) my daughter is really quite loving in the right environment. When she isn't pressured to fit into my expectations she is really quite sweet. What I have learned from this is my daughter functions differently to how I thought I could teach her.

The times when I've become absolutely frustrated with my daughter, is when God has shown me is that it's time to tone down my behaviour. Why get worked-up over my daughter's unique way of functioning instead of learning to work with what she's got? God made her like this and while there are ways I can influence better behaviour from her, I'm not going to change her completely. I have to accept that raising my daughter is not going to be as organised as I thought.

One thing we all expect is that with fair communication we should get a fair response. So naturally it can drive a parent to dispair when fair communication with their child becomes an agonising struggle to reach an appropriate response. When this happens every day of their life it can be downright frustrating. But what are we really fighting for? Are we fighting for a system that works well between parent and child, or are we fighting for our children to conform to what makes our lives easier?

In my own case, I was lucky to have a mum that spoiled me with affection and praise. She stuck up for me when I couldn't read or write like the rest of my peers. I am in my thirties now but back when I was in school, dyslexia didn't have a proper diagnosis yet. It was described to my mother as having 'left, right, rear reversal' problems. I was getting my 'b' and 'd' mixed up, I was drawing my 'e' and 's' backwards and I was getting serious headaches trying to conform to how everyone else drew the letters. Something inside my head was back-the-front and I was powerless to effect it properly. So did it seem to my teachers as well...but my mother didn't give up on me.

She sat down with me for weeks showing me how to write the letters correctly. She never once lost her patience with me and this happened with any learning difficulty I experienced in school. I had a problem with math as well. My mother actually went out and bought me a huge times table and pinned it to my wall; and every day after school we'd sit on my bed and say the times table out loud. Now I couldn't imagine how poor my education would have been if my mum hadn't done that for me. Would I have been labelled as having ADD too? Would I have just been another child without the capacity to pay attention? I remember many teachers who ostracised me from the rest of the class because I was different. But my mum was always standing up for me. She'd never let anyone put me down and she'd encourage me to always do my best.

Ironcically, these are the things God is now trying to impliment in my parenting techniques. The spirit always moves in me when I'm tempted to lose patience with my daughter. It's like he's trying to remind me of where I came from; and if my mother had lost patience with me where would I be right now? The biggest difference between my mother and I is that she never used my efforts to make me feel like a failure. To my shame, God made me see that I wasn't using the same kind of loving measure my mother used.

I think there is no doulbt you're a loving parent Nikki, under an enormous amount of pressure. But maybe you need to give yourself and your daughter a little more breathing room. When she doesn't succeed at doing what you expect, don't let that rub off onto you - making you feel like a failure too. Her performance is no meaure of your ability to parent. Sometimes kids just have learning difficulties. Sometimes we have to take a different route in getting them to understand. Repetition can be a great way for kids to learn. I certainly did my learning through vast amounts of repetition. In guiding your daughter through this process you too will learn something valuable. Loving patience.

What do I mean by loving patience though? Well let me ask you something first. Do you think it is possible that God will turn your eyes to see the beauty of your unique daughter one day? She is his creation after all - a blessing entrusted in your care for a limited amount of time only. The same loving patience God gives us every day of our lives is the model we should be using for our own children too. I know its not always easy to do it, but we should return to it whenever we can.

I thought it was beautiful what your husband said about your daughter. It showed that beneath her difference to everyone else in her peers, he still loves her for who she is very much. Children will excel when they feel loved. Your daughter probably wants to excel and fit in with everyone else but its hard when her brain processess things differently.

Above all this frustration Nikki, and I mean ABOVE ALL, show your love and pride in your daughter most of all. Don't pour your frustration into her failure because you could be there for a long time. I'm not saying this as a means to make her ADD go away. But its merely an example God has shown me lately about how we need to examine our behaviour sometimes, just as much as our children's.

God bless.

 

[lovely]

Kleeshay, that was a very encouraging post. I know it wasn't meant for me, but I was personally feeling challenged today with my son, and felt like it was wiser for me to just step away. Then, here it was. "Do not provoke him to anger" Thanks for the reminder to build him up with words of encouragment. I am reminded of how God has given Him special talents, and gifts, that will be used for remarkable things in his life as the Lord shapes them through me. I forget sometimes, when we both get weary in our communication, that many times the Lord is actually dealing with my heart. Thank you. The Lord bless you today.

 

[Klee shay]

It's very challenging sometimes isn't it Lovely. Every parent needs a dose of encouragement when their children's behaviour drives them to frustration.

Although we may not always get the cooperation we hope for from our children, that's exactly why God gave them parents in the first place. They need our guidance and love most of all, if they're going to learn to believe in themselves, others and what Jesus did for them all.

God bless.

 

[paisley]

Nikki, I was just wondering how you were doing? For me things are going better. Therefore, I thought about you and wanted to share with you what is starting to work for me. One day, I was ready to pack my son up and send him to boarding school he was behaving so badly! Then, I
listened to a Christian speaker and he gave me a new perspective. He was
talking about we should not set expectations too high for our children lest
we provoke them to wrath. This was a difficult concept for me to catch
because I believe in setting high standards. But as he continued speaking,
I realized that standards and expectations can be 2 different things. For
example, to expect a child with a habitual
behavior problem to just change over night is unrealistic, thus the
expectation has been set too high. Afterall, most adults can not change bad habits over night either, but with steady and consistent persistence, the
habit can be broken. Thus, a good high Godly standard for living can be achieved. Likewise, it is unrealistic to expect a child who has not committed his life to Christ to think and speak from his heart like a Christian, but it is not
unrealistic to ask a child to live by certain Biblical standards like "do
not lie" simply because that is the right thing to do, and hopefully with
years of training, the child will eventually move the bar up to a higher
standard of doing the right thing simply because he loves God. Anyway,
after listening to this speaker, I realized my problem is when my son does
something wrong, I want to just sit down nicely and discuss why we should or should not do a certain thing, for him to agree, and "PRESTO" the problem
never occurs again. The reality is, it sometimes feels like I am telling
him for the 1000th time to do or not to do something and then I become
impatient. But as I thought it out, I realized my expectations were too
high. I thought about God and how in the Bible He is telling us the same
thing over and over again, but we are still forgetting it and having to be
reminded all through life and even when we get to the end of our lives, we
still have not gotten it, yet God is patient and just keeps on teaching us.
His standard never changes, but His expectations are realistic. He knows we are sinners who all sin. Thus, we need constant guidance. I thought that is how I must be as a mother. I must know my son is a boy who is going to "forget" what he is told. I must accept that part of his personality is a short attention span. I must forgive and forget a wrong as God does
rather letting them pile up in my mind. Then I must treat each infraction
as though it were the first and be persistent. After changing my approach,
I have been much more patient and at peace within myself, and more than
that, my son has been much more interested in doing the right thing. Through this change I also realized that some of his behavioral problems were a result of my impatience towards him and not ADD related. I
still sometimes lose my patience, but for the most part I am more patient.
Another major change I have made which you sound like you don't want to try again is I have started homeschooling my son. The first day I just braced myself for the worst thinking we would need an adjustment time and afterwards things would get better. However, I was amazed how much better we both were than when he went to school. In our case, I think it was because he could relax and work at his own pace. He was no longer having to look and feel dumb because he could not keep up with the other kids. Moreover, we are no longer rushing. I never realized how much I was rushing him until I took him out of school, then it dawned on me a lot of our time together was just "hurry, hurry, hurry". Now we have time to "stop and smell the roses" and that is making at very positive impact on us both. You may not be able to homeschool but if you find yourself pressed for time and telling your daughter to hurry, you might want to cut back on some activities and just take life at a more relaxed and slower pace. Another advantage is the work he could not do in school has become a breeze for him at home. He is really beginning to excel where he was failing before.
A third thing I did was I fasted for a week and just prayed for God's wisdom and help. I feel God is answering this prayer.
A final thing I have done is just mentally committed myself to persist no matter how tough the work may be. Of course, when I got pregnant, I was committed, but somehow just making this mental committment in my mind helped me. It allowed me to acknowledge it is tougher than what I would have thought it to be, but showing my determination to finish this race, giving my best effort no matter what.
I don't know if any of this is helpful to you or not, but I do wish you well because I know it is tough.