Advice so People Have 1 Marriage

[presidente]

I went to visit some relatives and a lot of my kin are divorced, divorce and remarried, one is divorced and I hear he is living with someone who is married to someone else. I'm sad to hear about the failed marriages among my family.

I think churches, including pastors and other teachers and leaders, need to make a concerted effort to teach single people how to choose a good potential spouse and the right expectations going into marriage. Of course, they should also teach married couples how to have good marriages as well. As a man, it's easier for me to think of advice for men, but I can think of plenty of advice for women.

I wanted to start a thread so we can all share ideas and advice on what to tell single people wanting to get married.

For men, I'd say first work on yourself and develop your relationship with the Lord. Pay attention to your character, basic morality like not stealing, abstaining from fornication, and being a hard worker. Get some kind of career, job, or business going to you can support a wife.

When you choose a wife, choose one who fears the Lord. Look at her relationship with her father. Does she treat him with respect and honor? If dad is out of the picture, consider her attitude toward him and her relationships with other people. Man-hating is a red flag, of course. Is she quarrelsome? Does she have a problem with anger or violence? Does she like children? Find a woman who will be a good mother to your future children. Is she hard-working? Does she like to do traditional 'womanly' things like cooking? Is keeping a home a priority for her? Does she accept the Biblical roles for husbands and wives in scripture? Would she be willing to perform 'marital duties' with a good attitude?

Are there any problems with substance abuse? Is she financially responsible? Does she shop to relieve stress? Is she frugal? Is she materialistic.

It is good if your partner is attractive to you. But character is more important. Fear of the Lord is more important. Some good-looking people could make terrible spouses.

What are her beliefs about divorce? Does she think it is okay to divorce if a couple is not 'in love?'

Go through the relationship up through the wedding respecting her parents and the role of her father.

I could do a list for the women, too. Many points would be similar. Some things I'd emphasize are good character, Christ-centered, accepts a leadership role as a man and has a vision for leading a family, no big issues with violence, substance abuse, porn, gambling, etc. Doesn't pressure you to have pre-marital sex. Sexually moral.

Virginity is also a big plus for either partner. Research shows it is especially good for women to be virgins for the sake of reduced chance of divorce and greater chance of happiness in marriage. The Bible also presents this as a desirable thing. Of course, marrying a widow who has lived a moral life. If not, whoever one marries should have repented of any past sexual sin, and not ready to fornicate with their potential partner up until the wedding day. One who fornicates, IMO, is likely to have a higher risk of being an adulterer later on.

I'd also say to talk through marriage roles and what Ephesians 5 is going to look like in your marriage before an engagement starts. Talk about who will handle finances, where you will live, how decision making will be done. Discuss any deal breakers. Definitely discuss having children and any other big personal goals. Consult with parents and also pastors, elders, or other godly Christian advisers. Of course, pray the whole decision through and seek to know God's will.

 

[Edward]

Good idea for a thread brother. You have good ideas also. I have some advice for young ladies.

Young girls want to be accepted and to fall on love, and are very hopeful and idealistic. They usually give their heart away too easily and fall in love...and then get hurt by a boy who's not done playing the field yet.

So my advice to them is, try not to fall in love. Don't give in, and do not sacrifice your pureness in an attempt to make him like you more and love you. If they had their guard up all the time like this, many would not get hurt. And then, when true love does come along...there is no defense against true love. They would be swept off their feet so to speak.
Would save a lot of heartache.

I don't think people should go looking for a spouse. Good spouses fall out of the sky when you're not looking for them. Pray to God to send you a spouse. He will. Out of the blue, when you're not expecting it, he or she will just seemingly appear and be there. It happened to me both times. I wasn't out looking for a girlfriend when I met my ex-wife. I wasn't looking for a girl when I got my fiance dropped into my lap. It just happened. It's when you go looking that you meet the wrong sort.

 

[Edward]

When you meet her, how does she talk about her ex-BF/husband? That's how she'll be talking about you if it goes sour. Go meet her family asap. What kind of relationship does she have with them? Does she respect them? Do they fight and argue? All clues into character. Everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning.

 

[Edward]

I thought I was going to make it through life with one wife and one marriage. We were deeply in love (at first at least) and the marriage lasted 26 years. I was proud of that and thought we would be married forever. But, I guess I married her too young. She was 17 when I met her (I was 22? 23?) and she...turned materialistic on me, is the short version. She wanted to be a millionaire. She almost did it, but she shouldn't have demanded that the millionaire she was dating marry her.

 

[Kathi]

The best qualities in a potential spouse is finding someone with good character,intergrity,values and morals.Men look at the woman and what kind of a relationship she has had with her father.If it is a very bad one how did that affect her?Women look at how a man treats his mother.How does he react around other women?Does his eye roam when beautiful women go by?When you are dating(I say dating because it is a huge no no to live with someone) watch and observe him or her.Ask alot of questions and get to know that person very,very well.If red flags go up don't let your feelings get in the way if you can not live with what you are seeing then break off the relationship.Before you get married there are several serious questions that have to be asked to each other such as finances,children etc...

 

[Claudya]

Here is how you avoid getting a divorce: Stay single. Awesome, isn't it? If everyone would listen to my advice the divorce rate would go down to zero.

Okay, seriously. If you want to be happy with a spouse, finding the right match is crucial, but it's just as important to learn to be happy with yourself first. Build your character, your carreer, your faith, solid friendships, and any skill you need to tackle life. Say goodbye to the idea that your partner has to complete you and don't buy into the idea that only romantic love makes a happy life. We treat romance almost as if it was our idol. But if you long for a spouse as desperately as you should only for God then you will be unattractive and probably overstrain any relationship you may find because of your unrealistic expectations. Your partner is not responsible for making you whole. If you love your future wife/ husband try to become as whole as possible before you get serious, or even before you meet them. Because you wouldn't want to give something that isn't whole and beautifull to someone you love, right? You wouldn't give them something broken for their birthday, so why give them a broken you for their whole life and maybe expect them to fix you? Become as whole as you can while not married yet. Lotsof marriage problems exist because people have unresolved mental issues. You don't need to be perfectly sane, nobody is. But a strong love needs strong lovers, so be an individual that can stand on their own.

 

[iLOVE]

The LORD God of heaven, who took me from my father's house, and from the land of my kindred, and who spoke unto me, and that swore unto me, saying, Unto your descendants will I give this land; he shall send his angel before you, and you shall take a wife unto my son from there. Genesis 24:7 NKJV

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not unto your own understanding."

 

[presidente]

When you meet her, how does she talk about her ex-BF/husband? That's how she'll be talking about you if it goes sour. Go meet her family asap. What kind of relationship does she have with them? Does she respect them? Do they fight and argue? All clues into character. Everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning.

If both people are on their first marriage, and the advice is how they can have one partner for life, there is no ex-husband. Bitterness toward an ex-boyfriend might be an issue.

I wish young people in our culture weren't encouraged to date before they were looking for marriage partners. It opens the door to temptation and heartache. There would have to be some benefits to a woman never having dated, and meeting her husband while she was still living in her father's house, as in ancient times.

I agree with family relationship. A daughter's attitude toward her father can tell a lot about how she treats male authority figures in her life, which is important for a would-be husband.

 

[presidente]

Here is some advice for those who haven't married yet and those who have:

The difference between an adulterer and a man who stays faithful in marriage is that the man who stays faithful guards his heart and actions to prevent himself from falling into this sin.

The difference between an adulteress and a woman who stays faithful in marriage is that the woman who stays faithful guards her heart and actions to prevent herself from falling into this sin.

 

[Edward]

If both people are on their first marriage, and the advice is how they can have one partner for life, there is no ex-husband. Bitterness toward an ex-boyfriend might be an issue.

I wish young people in our culture weren't encouraged to date before they were looking for marriage partners. It opens the door to temptation and heartache. There would have to be some benefits to a woman never having dated, and meeting her husband while she was still living in her father's house, as in ancient times.

I agree with family relationship. A daughter's attitude toward her father can tell a lot about how she treats male authority figures in her life, which is important for a would-be husband.

Sure, brother. Maybe she doesn't have an ex husband. Same thing. How does she talk about her ex BF, how does she get along with her Father?

 

[Claudya]

If both people are on their first marriage, and the advice is how they can have one partner for life, there is no ex-husband. Bitterness toward an ex-boyfriend might be an issue.

I wish young people in our culture weren't encouraged to date before they were looking for marriage partners. It opens the door to temptation and heartache. There would have to be some benefits to a woman never having dated, and meeting her husband while she was still living in her father's house, as in ancient times.

I agree with family relationship. A daughter's attitude toward her father can tell a lot about how she treats male authority figures in her life, which is important for a would-be husband.

For many of us things don't go as straight and ideal as you'd wish. Some people had ex-partners because they weren't Christians their entire life. Some people may have lost their parents early in their life so they couldn't have be living in their father's house any more even if they wished. Some people just stray from the right path for whatever reason and return to God later. Human life isn't perfect in this world.
If you rule out marrying anyone who has a bit of a past you will have to forgo the majority of Christians. You'd also miss out on some of the more interesting people if you ask me.
Personally I wouldn't want to be with a man with a perfect and flawless Christian résumé. He'd be such a poor match for someone like me. But I wouldn't mind marrying someone who was in a relationship before. Edward is right, the way he treats his ex would be very important. Does he speak of her in a respectful and friendly way, did they remain friends? Or is he bitter about her, does he stalk her on facebook or does he easily give away intimate details of their past relationship? Is he over her yet?

So long story short, I think the advice Edward gave is pretty good. How they deal with ex partners is very indicative of their emotional maturity. Everyone can be sweet when all is well, but true colours show when we get hurt or disappointed.

 

[Christ_empowered]

This probably isn't the best sub-forum for me to be on (ex-gay pursuing celibacy, lol), but...here goes....

...a lot of divorces can be kinda sorta predicted by demographic factors. Too young at age of first marriage; low educational attainment; financial problems. That said, there are plenty of successful marriages amongst people who fit all of those criteria.

Financial stressors are a *huge* factor in divorce, and not just amongst people who lack. Plenty of middle-, upper-middle, and even upper-class marriages are destroyed by money or the love of money. I think one thing to resolve before marriage is what sort of lifestyle you're aiming for, what sort of budget you'll be working with, and what sort of debts and assets you're bringing into the union. I know, not exactly romantic, but...its huge.

People who remarry have higher rates of divorce in subsequent marriages. Step-children play a role, so does the presence of "serial monogamists" in the pool. Here's an example from sociology class: You have 3 female roommates, A B C and D. A, B, C get married 1 time and stay married. D is married and divorced 3 times. For the sample of 4, you now have 6 total marriages and 3 divorces=a 50% divorce rate. Hooray! Statistics are fun!

Seriously: some people shouldn't get married at all, and some people need to quit going down the aisle at a certain point.

Other than that...try to marry within your faith. Inter-faith marriages apparently have a higher divorce rate. Part of it is belief system, part of it may be socioeconomic status issues. For instance, a Presbyterian man marries a Pentecostal woman. They divorce. On the surface, part of the problem may be a different lifestyle, a different belief system. Dig deeper. Presbyterians are usually on the higher end of the socioeconomic scale, while Pentecostals are usually lower (although this is changing with the decline of mainline denominations and the rise of Pentecostalism). Differences in beliefs, lifestyle, and background can make for a rocky marriage.

Other issues...education, race (interracial marriages have a higher divorce rate). I don't know if this is still the case, but sometimes you can have too much money, lol...women who are highly educated and make comparable amounts of money as their spouse used to have a higher divorce rate. I guess when the going gets rough, if you can support yourself and not lose a whole lot in terms of lifestyle, why not bail?

Anyway, just thought I'd spew some stuff from Sociology 101, lol.

 

[hallowbonnie]

true christ empowered ,my ex was obsessed with more and more money and just having more constantly and Ive always been a content person with what I have which was never enough to him.My dads second marriage to my stepmom has worked out because he managed to get rid of us kids like she wanted.I do remember them having rocky times because my dad was trying to finish raising us.But they are very happy now which of course is what I want for my dad I just kinda miss having a family.

 

[Edward]

This probably isn't the best sub-forum for me to be on (ex-gay pursuing celibacy, lol), but...here goes....

...a lot of divorces can be kinda sorta predicted by demographic factors. Too young at age of first marriage; low educational attainment; financial problems. That said, there are plenty of successful marriages amongst people who fit all of those criteria.

Financial stressors are a *huge* factor in divorce, and not just amongst people who lack. Plenty of middle-, upper-middle, and even upper-class marriages are destroyed by money or the love of money. I think one thing to resolve before marriage is what sort of lifestyle you're aiming for, what sort of budget you'll be working with, and what sort of debts and assets you're bringing into the union. I know, not exactly romantic, but...its huge.

People who remarry have higher rates of divorce in subsequent marriages. Step-children play a role, so does the presence of "serial monogamists" in the pool. Here's an example from sociology class: You have 3 female roommates, A B C and D. A, B, C get married 1 time and stay married. D is married and divorced 3 times. For the sample of 4, you now have 6 total marriages and 3 divorces=a 50% divorce rate. Hooray! Statistics are fun!

Seriously: some people shouldn't get married at all, and some people need to quit going down the aisle at a certain point.

Other than that...try to marry within your faith. Inter-faith marriages apparently have a higher divorce rate. Part of it is belief system, part of it may be socioeconomic status issues. For instance, a Presbyterian man marries a Pentecostal woman. They divorce. On the surface, part of the problem may be a different lifestyle, a different belief system. Dig deeper. Presbyterians are usually on the higher end of the socioeconomic scale, while Pentecostals are usually lower (although this is changing with the decline of mainline denominations and the rise of Pentecostalism). Differences in beliefs, lifestyle, and background can make for a rocky marriage.

Other issues...education, race (interracial marriages have a higher divorce rate). I don't know if this is still the case, but sometimes you can have too much money, lol...women who are highly educated and make comparable amounts of money as their spouse used to have a higher divorce rate. I guess when the going gets rough, if you can support yourself and not lose a whole lot in terms of lifestyle, why not bail?

Anyway, just thought I'd spew some stuff from Sociology 101, lol.

True that on the money.
You really think inter--faith marriages have that many problems? I was a half baked Christian and my ex wife was a half baked catholic. I didn't see a problem and when she left there wasn't ever a word about my faith. Could be though, maybe I just knew when to keep my mouth shut.

 

[Christ_empowered]

I don't know...I just vaguely remember old stats saying inter-faith can be a problem. With differences between denominations these days fading, and people's level of religiosity kind of fading in general, lol...maybe not so much? I mean, very few people have a Biblical Worldview anymore, even amongst those who go to church. I imagine that if you analyzed further, for age differences, education, race, previous marriages, social class, etc., those would be bigger factors.

 

[presidente]

Non-denominational churches are the fastest growing segment, I've read, in the US. What counts as 'interfaith.' Let's say someone goes to Mark Driscoll's church. Would marrying a Pentecostal or Charismatic be 'interfaith'? Mark believes in spiritual gifts. But Pentecostals aren't likely to be Calvinists. What if someone from that church married a very conservative Presbyterian? Their church style would be rather different, probably. And beliefs on spiritual gifts may be different. So might beliefs on water baptism. (I have no idea what Driscoll believes about that.)

My wife and I are from different countries. But we came from similar church backgrounds. Still, there are some issues we have disagreed on. In some cases, I'd believe something and it took her years to come to the same belief I held. I wanted someone with similar beliefs, though.

I was raised Pentecostal, though I'm not convinced of the main 'Pentecostal distinctive' doctrine. But if my wife had been Baptist and open to spiritual gifts, that could have worked out. Roman Catholic would have been too far of a leap.

 

[Edward]

Non-denominational churches are the fastest growing segment, I've read, in the US. What counts as 'interfaith.' Let's say someone goes to Mark Driscoll's church. Would marrying a Pentecostal or Charismatic be 'interfaith'? Mark believes in spiritual gifts. But Pentecostals aren't likely to be Calvinists. What if someone from that church married a very conservative Presbyterian? Their church style would be rather different, probably. And beliefs on spiritual gifts may be different. So might beliefs on water baptism. (I have no idea what Driscoll believes about that.)

My wife and I are from different countries. But we came from similar church backgrounds. Still, there are some issues we have disagreed on. In some cases, I'd believe something and it took her years to come to the same belief I held. I wanted someone with similar beliefs, though.

I was raised Pentecostal, though I'm not convinced of the main 'Pentecostal distinctive' doctrine. But if my wife had been Baptist and open to spiritual gifts, that could have worked out. Roman Catholic would have been too far of a leap.

It could be a big leap. My fiance was raised catholic. She told me that one of the first things she wants to do when she comes back, is for me to take her to church so she could thank God. I said, my Christian church or a catholic church? She said, Jesus is in our church too, we can go where you want to take me. We've did more talking about God than even me and my wife had all the time we were together, and we haven't disagreed even once about anything. Nevertheless, I have prayed about it quite a bit, and I figure if it's supposed to happen, it will.

There's really only one denomination, and that's relationship Jesus. So far she doesn't have a problem with it and seems to appreciate that I am a man of faith. So I suppose that we will search the scriptures together, and Lord give me a wise tongue.

 

[Brother Mike]

married 23 years. Not sure if I know what I know now, have the same conviction now, same faith, I would do things a whole lot different.

who can bare up to the perfect spouse though? What qualifications should we put on someone?

Believe it or not, my wife and I still have Character flaws, not like before, but the more that God's shows and helps us fix, the more out of the way for Him to show again what needs fixed. Things that never came to our mind.

But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you.
(1Co 7:28)

What scripture tell us will happen if we get married? There shall be trouble. No matter how great the qualifications, the Word always comes to pass.

Now it's how we personally deal with that trouble that matters, because trouble will continue to come. Their qualifications does not depend on my ability to do things correctly in love as Christ loves the church.

Despite all a persons qualifications, they still have flesh, and still will bring trouble.

Blessings.

 

[Kathi]

I think it is important to be compatible as a married couple in your faith and denomination.There can be complications with a Catholic and non-Catholic.If you are both from a non denominational Church or a Community Church that is good.The problem with different "religions" is they are so caught up on their own rituals.That is why I am not into a religion but a "relationship" with God.

 

[presidente]

I think having the same faith and similar beliefs and values are more important than denomination in a lot of cases. There are so many denominations and one may be similar to one in one way and different in another.

Something I think is good general advice to any young man looking to marry is to marry a woman who believes a wife is supposed to submit to her husband and to stay away from radical feminists. There are other factors like if she actually has the type of personality to be submissive. Respect is another big issue. These are reasons you can look at her relationship with her father if she has one in her life.

I would think a match where the husband is egalitarian in his beliefs and a woman has a stronger complementarian/headship type belief about marriage would be a better match than a man marrying a woman who doesn't believe she should submit to him. The egalitarian can probably cope better with a woman submitting to him than a complementarian can deal with a wife who will not submit to him.


Let's say a man believes wives should submit to their husbands and he comes from a family where his father was in charge. He allows himself to fall for a girl with radical feminist views who professes faith in Christ, a spunky one who is a bit opinionated. There can be a clash there. Even a young woman who says she believes wives submit to their husband, but her personality and character is such that she is pushy and doesn't respect a male in authority (father, boss, etc.) could indicate a difficult marriage. Also, Proverbs warns repeatedly about a quarrelsome woman. If a girl argues a lot, gets bent out of shape over small things, expects a man to beg her for forgiveness for some imagined offense, that's a sign she may be difficult as a wife.

The Bible warns against associating with an angry man. Women need to be careful about this. If a man is prone to anger, that could make for a difficult marriage. If he's not in control of his temper, throws things, etc., those are some warning signs. If he is disrespectful to his mother who gave birth to him, how is he going to treat his wife after he's gotten used to living with her for along time? A wife is supposed to submit to her husband, so she should marry someone who she can trust to treat her well and to seek to do what is right before God and for her. Laziness or being irresponsible are big red flags. Also, a man should communicate the idea that when he marries, he's taking on a responsibility to care for his wife materially and in other ways.