Cannot Stand Nephew and Brother-in-law

[TomB]

As a Christian, I still often wrestle with undesirable feelings and thoughts, among them anger. It is a particularly toxic emotion that I don't like having with people I am not directly involved with let alone with close family members, which makes this issue even more upsetting, as it involves my 11 year-old nephew. I am convinced that he has an emotional problem in part, but he has been coddled to the point that he often gets away with behavior that if I did at his age would have promptly put to a stop. He disrespects his elders, often "rough houses" to the point of being a bully, whines often, and throws literally temper tantrums. He is also very jealous of other children, especially those that are shown love or an attention. On one occassion, after playing with my brother-in-law's nephew (no direct relation to me), my own nephew went over to him and began to grab this smaller child's hand, have him make a first, and forced punched him in the nose. I became upset and quite frankly disgusted by his petty behavior and pulled my nephew off of this younger child. My sister and brother-in-law thought little of it, which only encouraged this type of behavior further. On another occasion, he came over to me to "rough house," and while engaged him playfully, he suddenly turned violent and began to kick me in the shins and groin. At school, he constantly has problems with other kids, especially with foreign children. He mocks them and when I asked him why he does this he told me it is because "he doesn't like them." I owe this behavior to his racist father, who while attended church from time to time, is frequently spewing his racist rants and philosophy in front of his children. When look at my nephew, I see his father, who was a bully himself when younger. And when I bring these issues to my sister, it always gets turned around on me. God forgive me, I know he is still a young boy, but many of these incidents have occurred to the point that my heart has grown cold to my nephew and am convinced that his spoiled, petty, undisciplined nature will only give rise to a much bigger problem when he'll reach adolescence in a couple more years. I simply don't want to be around him or his father any more when so much drama unfolds with his and his father's behavior. I love my sister and don't want to hurt her, but lately I feel like not wanting to ever be around her husband or kid and feel so guilty about this. I pray for them every day, including my nephew and his apparent emotional problems, but I cannot help to feel cold toward him now. Has anyone dealt with a situation like this and how was it resolved?

 

[taromina2003]

As a Christian, I still often wrestle with undesirable feelings and thoughts, among them anger. It is a particularly toxic emotion that I don't like having with people I am not directly involved with let alone with close family members, which makes this issue even more upsetting, as it involves my 11 year-old nephew. I am convinced that he has an emotional problem in part, but he has been coddled to the point that he often gets away with behavior that if I did at his age would have promptly put to a stop. He disrespects his elders, often "rough houses" to the point of being a bully, whines often, and throws literally temper tantrums. He is also very jealous of other children, especially those that are shown love or an attention. On one occassion, after playing with my brother-in-law's nephew (no direct relation to me), my own nephew went over to him and began to grab this smaller child's hand, have him make a first, and forced punched him in the nose. I became upset and quite frankly disgusted by his petty behavior and pulled my nephew off of this younger child. My sister and brother-in-law thought little of it, which only encouraged this type of behavior further. On another occasion, he came over to me to "rough house," and while engaged him playfully, he suddenly turned violent and began to kick me in the shins and groin. At school, he constantly has problems with other kids, especially with foreign children. He mocks them and when I asked him why he does this he told me it is because "he doesn't like them." I owe this behavior to his racist father, who while attended church from time to time, is frequently spewing his racist rants and philosophy in front of his children. When look at my nephew, I see his father, who was a bully himself when younger. And when I bring these issues to my sister, it always gets turned around on me. God forgive me, I know he is still a young boy, but many of these incidents have occurred to the point that my heart has grown cold to my nephew and am convinced that his spoiled, petty, undisciplined nature will only give rise to a much bigger problem when he'll reach adolescence in a couple more years. I simply don't want to be around him or his father any more when so much drama unfolds with his and his father's behavior. I love my sister and don't want to hurt her, but lately I feel like not wanting to ever be around her husband or kid and feel so guilty about this. I pray for them every day, including my nephew and his apparent emotional problems, but I cannot help to feel cold toward him now. Has anyone dealt with a situation like this and how was it resolved?

Hello Tom, I think many of us have dealt with similar issues regarding family members. First of all maybe you need to ask yourself why you feel guilty, remember just because we are Christians doesn't make us immuned to human emotions good or bad, Children are a blessing but they are also a product of their environment, oh I have met many children over the years that had less than angelic dispositions and I often would wait for their little heads to spin around and spew pea soup at me, little devils! here is a great quote that Alcoholics anonymous uses at the end of their meetings and I think it's words are helpful in any frustrating situation:

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change... the Courage to change the things I can...and the Wisdom to know the difference.​

Take a break from your family Pray for patience and regroup, personally I would let your sister know your concerns, you are right your nephew is on the threshold of being a young adult and he needs positive role models, hopefully you can be that role model in time.

 

[for_his_glory]

Many of us are a reflection of our parents whether it's a good reflection or a bad reflection. I know you love all of them, but this little person is only acting on the way he is being raised in his environment and all you can do is be an example of love for him as Jesus was our example of love who loved us unconditionally even though our reflection might not have been a very good one before him. All you can do is pray for him and his father and try to be a mentor to this boy as find something he really likes to do and maybe get involved with that and this might open a door for you to show him the love of Jesus and be that inspiration he needs. Will keep all of you in prayer.

 

[TomB]

Hello Tom, I think many of us have dealt with similar issues regarding family members. First of all maybe you need to ask yourself why you feel guilty, remember just because we are Christians doesn't make us immuned to human emotions good or bad, Children are a blessing but they are also a product of their environment, oh I have met many children over the years that had less than angelic dispositions and I often would wait for their little heads to spin around and spew pea soup at me, little devils! here is a great quote that Alcoholics anonymous uses at the end of their meetings and I think it's words are helpful in any frustrating situation:

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change... the Courage to change the things I can...and the Wisdom to know the difference.​

Take a break from your family Pray for patience and regroup, personally I would let your sister know your concerns, you are right your nephew is on the threshold of being a young adult and he needs positive role models, hopefully you can be that role model in time.

Thank you taromina for sharing this. I do wish to be part of his life and love him. When I am alone with him and my sister or any time in the absence of his father, things are quite positive and different. Your quote is apt, for we have the families we have, which cannot be changed, and need to remind ourselves of the things that can and to lean more on God for strength. I really owe the bad behavior to the one his father has set and his adult behavior is something I have no control or influence over. God bless, and thanks for the post.

 

[Pard]

Man I can't stand half of my family (well actually a very small portion of them, like about six), but it's pretty much expected that you will not be able to stand everyone you are related too. You just gotta put on a good show when they are around , or do what I do...

"Ian your aunt is coming over."

"OK mom, I'm going to the uh... well... I'm going out, see ya later!"

 

[TomB]

Many of us are a reflection of our parents whether it's a good reflection or a bad reflection. I know you love all of them, but this little person is only acting on the way he is being raised in his environment and all you can do is be an example of love for him as Jesus was our example of love who loved us unconditionally even though our reflection might not have been a very good one before him. All you can do is pray for him and his father and try to be a mentor to this boy as find something he really likes to do and maybe get involved with that and this might open a door for you to show him the love of Jesus and be that inspiration he needs. Will keep all of you in prayer.

Thank you for your prayers! Pray works. I realized I need to take a little break from them right now and interact with him with the rest of the family when my brother-in-law is not around, as my brother-in-law give my nephew license to often act the way he does. When older, I do pray I can be a good role model. In many ways I see my sister's children as a trial run to my own future family and realized just how much time and love children really need--and a challenge they are. But unlike my sister who is the primary dealer with them, I can go home when the drama kicks in. I feel for parents. I want my nephew to be a fine young man of integrity and good morals and have a mental discipline to control himself. I think in many ways our boys today have been often overlooked and ignored or abandoned as simply "problematic" or "pathologized" to the point of unwittingly instilling a sense of a this-is-who-I-am-it's-genetics hopelessness and excuse to give into bad behavior. Nonsense. Boys need discipline, in the sense of positive, loving guidance that makes it clear bad behavior is not rewarded or tolerated and that they do have influence and control over how they choose to act and behave. That realization, if made in a young mind, I believe is empowering and combine with what I believe is a fundamental God-given drive to too good, fosters a sense of responsibility in a developing mind and all the awesome potential it entails to make of your life something of worth.

God bless and thank you for your post.

 

[jasoncran]

i have to put my own sister in jail. we have never had a normal relationship on friendly terms.