challange of controlling anger in marrage

[Dan1966]

It's a challange to control emotional outbursts in a marrage, especially when one's spouse tends to read you wrong constantly.

Take my wife, who seems to think that my lack of anger and outrages means I don't care about her. I have good emotional control at home, I rarely get angry to the point that I'll stomp around the floor like a nuckle dragging cave man with all the cussing and out of control "damning" I know is offensive to our Lord.

My wife often gets into fits over petty details and it seems she expects me to come right behind hr, throw my fists abotu and scream enraged in equal unison like a bison charging through a China shop.

Then here I am standing or staring in contemplative thought rather than anger and it's open season of female rage upon poor Danny boy.

"You don't care! Argh!" I almost bring myself to laughter as my wife looks more like an enraged Lucy Van Pelt who just got kissed by Snoopy.

Some how the Lord always brings back peace to my house and returns my wife to a stable state of reason. Though I am thankful for such tests of fate, I do wish he'd save my hearing.

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

It's a challange to control emotional outbursts in a marrage, especially when one's spouse tends to read you wrong constantly.

Take my wife ...

Please? (with apologies to Henny Youngman*)

... who seems to think that my lack of anger and outrages means I don't care about her. I have good emotional control at home, I rarely get angry to the point that I'll stomp around the floor like a nuckle dragging cave man with all the cussing and out of control "damning" I know is offensive to our Lord.

My wife often gets into fits over petty details and it seems she expects me to come right behind hr, throw my fists abotu and scream enraged in equal unison like a bison charging through a China shop.

Then here I am standing or staring in contemplative thought rather than anger and it's open season of female rage upon poor Danny boy.

"You don't care! Argh!" I almost bring myself to laughter as my wife looks more like an enraged Lucy Van Pelt who just got kissed by Snoopy.

Some how the Lord always brings back peace to my house and returns my wife to a stable state of reason. Though I am thankful for such tests of fate, I do wish he'd save my hearing.

Actually, I've had the same issues in my past marriage. That was 20 years ago. She was irrational, overbearingly angry and hysterical, and I wasn't. Usually, however, her nonsense was aimed at me for ... well, nonsense. At least you don't seem to be the target, generally. She just wants you to be as passionate about her piques as she is. Oh, well. That's about all you can say, because neither of you will change, until one of you feels it is necessary. I pray it is her, and not you, who reaches that conclusion. God bless.

* If anyone doesn't know who Henny Youngman was, you're too young. No, not really. PM and ask me.

 

[Knotical]

My wife and I have been blessed in the realm of not ever having gotten into a shouting argument with each other. I do lose it a bit, at times, with the kids, but that is another topic altogether.

Generally, when you have control over your anger, you also have control over your pride as well, and vice-versa. It is, of course, good that you are able to come together again and bring peace to your home after an argument.

 

[reba]

* I know

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

* I know

Well sure you do. You're old like me.

(uh-oh ...)

 

[AirDancer]

(Old???? Uhmmm.... old is 137-1/2 . I don't believe anyone here quite qualifies as 'old' in my book)

 

[Dan1966]

And so a funny anger story...

four years ago on a Sunday I was cooking breakfast for her and myself and outside it was about 9am
and already in the low 80's. My wife came out into the kitchen with the surly mood meter already pegged.

'What are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm cooking breakfast." I replied smiling.

"Do you know it's already hot in the house?!"

From there it all escallated to DEFCON ONE on the anger scale.

"I'm sorry. Let's back away from each other, I'll stop cooking, open the windows
and...."

Then she really got angry. So angry that the next door neighbor, an absolute drunk already
three sheets to the wind, called the police on us.

Two officers showed up, one a recently retired first class from the Navy who knew me, told me
the standard procedures for domestics and appoligized for having to cuff and stuff me in his
car. Suddenly we heard my wife screaming at his partner inside the house...apparently he had
walked in on her while she was getting dressed.

His partner looked back into the cruiser to see me somewhat sobbing...."Dan? You ok?"

I looked at him and said, "Mike? This is the most comfortable police car I've ever been put in."

We laghed ourselves silly, both from that and his red faced partner coming out of the house.

"You ok?" Mike asked his partner.

"She's a little upset." He replied.

"She's like that." I said smiling.

Well things went ok and the drunk neighbor was cited for public intoxication and
urination. Apparently he decided to go in full view of the police.

In the end I won....I still cooked breakfast : )

 

[Knotical]

And so a funny anger story...

four years ago on a Sunday I was cooking breakfast for her and myself and outside it was about 9am
and already in the low 80's. My wife came out into the kitchen with the surly mood meter already pegged.

'What are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm cooking breakfast." I replied smiling.

"Do you know it's already hot in the house?!"

From there it all escallated to DEFCON ONE on the anger scale.

"I'm sorry. Let's back away from each other, I'll stop cooking, open the windows
and...."

Then she really got angry. So angry that the next door neighbor, an absolute drunk already
three sheets to the wind, called the police on us.

Two officers showed up, one a recently retired first class from the Navy who knew me, told me
the standard procedures for domestics and appoligized for having to cuff and stuff me in his
car. Suddenly we heard my wife screaming at his partner inside the house...apparently he had
walked in on her while she was getting dressed.

His partner looked back into the cruiser to see me somewhat sobbing...."Dan? You ok?"

I looked at him and said, "Mike? This is the most comfortable police car I've ever been put in."

We laghed ourselves silly, both from that and his red faced partner coming out of the house.

"You ok?" Mike asked his partner.

"She's a little upset." He replied.

"She's like that." I said smiling.

Well things went ok and the drunk neighbor was cited for public intoxication and
urination. Apparently he decided to go in full view of the police.

In the end I won....I still cooked breakfast : )

If I didn't know any better I would say you lived in a dark comedy.

 

[handy]

So what is the cause of her anger?

 

[President]

Some people are raised in homes where their parents are angry and they think it is normal for married couples to yell at each other and act like that. Is she a believer? Maybe it would help to study verses about controlling anger. I like that verse in Proverbs about someone who doesn't rule their own spirit who is like a city without walls. It's a good analogy.

If she sees it is a problem and is willing to go to the Lord for help she can pray and ask for help from the Lord. My wife had an anger problem at one point. It was kind of mild most of the time and would come out with disrespect and irritation at times. Then, she sensed the Lord convicting her of it, and I believe the Lord set her free from it as an ongoing problem, though she can get angry at times and has under times of real stress since them. But our marriage has been better since.

I also realized i need to provide some accountability. So if she talks angrily at me or disrespectfully, I'll point it out. If she's trying not to be that way, then this can help. Like if your wife is talking to you too loudly with her hands on her hips, you can point to her body language. If she yells or calls you names, you can tell her if she wants to talk to you like an adult, you want to hear what is on your heart, but you won't be yelled at and tell her to come to you when she is ready to talk to you like a reasonable adult (or apologize and then talk to you like a reasonable adult.) If she wants to talk to you, which she probably does, she may start paying more attention to her behavior.

If I get tired and cranky, and I snap at my wife, she'll point it out. I do the same for her. I'm usually pretty good about apologizing and speaking more calmly. It doesn't happen too terribly often, but it can. Sometimes people start yelling over small things like trying to talk across the house or talking over the dryer, and irritate their partner. If you are in the habit of calmly pointing it out, one apologizes and lets the matter go, then it doesn't have to be a big deal.

 

[Kaileymarie]

My first boyfriend was abusive and I entered my second relationship (with my now husband) with the same type of behavior. After years of being convinced that someone argued with me and hurt me because they cared about me, being with someone who always kept a calm head made me feel like he didn't care. I now know otherwise, but I can sympathize with your wife. Psychological damage is very real as we all know and prayer is what helps me, even though after almost ten years I still find myself drifting back to the mentality of my teenage self every once in a while.