Dealing with her past...

[AlanR]

It has been a complete emotional rollercoaster lately with my girlfriend and her past. I am having the most difficult time figuring out how to deal with it! I have saved myself for my whole life (no smoking, no alcohol, no other girls, etc.) and she hasn't exactly. She was younger and made some poor decisions that have now become a problem in our relationship. She has a history of smoking marijuana, alcohol, and getting very close and personal (but not "all the way" she says) with her last boyfriend. I seriously thought I could handle it but it's proving to be a little more difficult than I thought. The good news is that it was a couple years ago when this happened, and since then she has completely removed herself from all those things and turned in a new direction.
I am not entirely sure how I should be handling this. Besides her past, her and I match on so many levels its crazy! We are both christians (very important) and we have the same values and beliefs, goals and desires. I feel like her past is coming between us, when it shouldn't be. I love her family and everything else about this relationship but I just need the help to overcome her past! Suggestions? Tips? Help!

 

[Mike]

Alan, welcome to CFnet. I'm glad you joined and reached out!

Me thinks you need to grow in your ability to put someone's past in her past. I think I understand how hard this is for you, but for her sake, you need to decide whether this is something you can get over. She doesn't deserve to have a boyfriend (and possibly husband) who looks upon her past with judgment. That would be terribly burdensome and would likely impact her growth as a Christian. In a sense, she doesn't have a problem. You do.

The fact that you reached out with the question says to me that you want to get over this, and I hope you will; for your sake and for hers. This would be an exercise in learning to know God's Forgiveness for us all. "Yet, while we were still sinners..." For her, it would be affirmation that she is no longer an old creation, but a new one.

I have every certainty that you have done some things that you are not proud of. While they might not be on your list of things not to do, I'll be they're on someone's list who could hold you presently guilty of them. She has turned her life around, given her life to Christ, and she's Forgiven! Can you come to see her as the Lord does? I applaud you for committing yourself the way you did. But I have to say she needs a guy who will allow her to leave her past in her past and move on with her life in Christ.

Whether you two go on to something more serious or not, it is my hope that you will come to consider God's Grace as it applies and abandon your feelings of her past. But seriously... it's not fair to her to continue down this road while harboring this in your heart. I pray that you let it go and see her only for who she is now. God bless you both.

 

[jberk5071]

I went through a phase similar to this. My then girlfriend (now wife) has had more "life experiences" than me, mostly with alcohol. I'm not even sure how to describe the feelings that I had.

I think it was a combination of being upset and being jealous. I was upset that anyone who claimed to be a Christian could do some of those things. I was jealous because I went through college without ever getting drunk, I never drank underage or anything like that. I think it was jealousy of not having the typical "college experience."

I don't want to make it sound like she partied all the time or anything like that because that's not that case. Anyway, I digress...

It used to be something that I would think about every now and then and these angry/jealous feelings would come up. We've talked about it and have both since grown closer to the Lord and it eventually just because something that I never thought about. I realized that everyone makes mistakes. I've done some things (and I'm sure I still do things) that other people probably don't approve of.

Basically, I would pray for God to remove these feelings that you're having and to be able to get over her past. There's nothing that you or her can do about her past.

You didn't say how long you've been together, but I think that in time you'll be able to look past her past if you truly love her.

 

[AlanR]

Thanks to both of you who replied. I talked with her parents last night about my dilemma and they both said what you two said. The past is the past and you need to find a way to get over it. My girlfriend and I have only known each other for 3 months and have only been officially dating for a month. So all in all her past is a new thing for me, but I am willing to get over it. To leave her I would be missing a beautiful thing...
Instead of dwelling on her past and putting that as a barrier between us, I feel like we both need to put God in between more often. And I truly hope that in time it will become and easier and no problem at all.
Perhaps my biggest fear is reminding her of her past in one way or another. But I don't see how I can control that.

 

[handy]

I love her family and everything else about this relationship but I just need the help to overcome her past! Suggestions? Tips? Help!

One thing to keep in mind is that you have a past as well and it is sinless. No, maybe you haven't smoked pot or "almost go all the way" with a girl...but your past is far from sinless. There is no reason to believe that her sins are somehow worse than yours, both of you stand before God as sinners, and yet saved by His grace.

Another thing to keep in mind is when God forgives us of our sin...He forgets it as well. Who are we to remember what God forgets?

She sounds like a lovely person and it would be somewhat foolish of you to allow something that God has long forgotten to come between you.

Perhaps my biggest fear is reminding her of her past in one way or another. But I don't see how I can control that.

Well, for one thing...don't talk about it. And, if she brings something up, just to be honest with you...just reassure her that she is a new creation and that God doesn't remember her sins. Both true statements!

 

[persecuted]

Well AlanR, nice to hear someone else has had to deal with the sad experience of growing up too moral for our times and then having to deal with trying to find a like partner. I quickly read your story and have to say, your details are too scant to make any determination on my own. You say you have only dated her for a month and known her for a whopping three. Well this girl could have told it like it is, or it is possible you've just heard the tip of the iceburg. Women are notoriuos for presenting themselves as blank screens that adapt to the men they are with and his morals. That's why some men are constantly shocked when treating a lady as a "gentleman" that the same woman quickly bedded some other guy. "Well, you never asked" they retort. And so on and so forth. Of course, on the other hand, some women are also brought up with a strong moral influence and believe their lives are more immoral than they think. If the confessions you've heard are in fact the full story, trust me, that past isn't quite the ones I've come across with practical hookers trying to masquerade as virgins.

The way I see it, if you're looking for a long time partner, you have the right to be VERY selective. There are indeed plenty of fish in the sea and you should never allow yourself to be guilted into something other than the ultimate partner for yourself. This applies to both genders. But the way I see it, for now, you are just dating, so go with it, stay moral, and don't be offering up rings too quickly.

 

[JohnEboy1983]

Wow persecuted.....you are so right on. I have found this out recently myself. A girl I really liked told me a lot about her past but trust me it wasnt all of it and I keep finding out more from time to time. It really hurts me because I like her so much even though we will probably 99.9% never work out. If there is a girl or guy who you really love or like alot, its going to be very difficult to overcome the past especially when its an extensive one. The thoughts of her past will keep coming up. The thoughts of her either fantasizing about an old partner or the thoughts about her going back to an old flame will come up. The thoughts of her liking badboys, if you are a good guy will keep coming up. I can keep going on. It may be that you can overcome it, but if you let it take control you, it can easily. Its like a powerful motorcycle, that if you dont be careful on that throttle, look out because that bike is going to go out of control very easily. I found this to be the same for guys like me who have a hard time with a womans past. I have one girl only in my past and thats something not even I want to bring to a future relationship because its still a past that can bring hurt and can be very damaging, but unfortunately being honest about it is what I am going to have to do when I meet the right woman.

 

[jasoncran]

It has been a complete emotional rollercoaster lately with my girlfriend and her past. I am having the most difficult time figuring out how to deal with it! I have saved myself for my whole life (no smoking, no alcohol, no other girls, etc.) and she hasn't exactly. She was younger and made some poor decisions that have now become a problem in our relationship. She has a history of smoking marijuana, alcohol, and getting very close and personal (but not "all the way" she says) with her last boyfriend. I seriously thought I could handle it but it's proving to be a little more difficult than I thought. The good news is that it was a couple years ago when this happened, and since then she has completely removed herself from all those things and turned in a new direction.
I am not entirely sure how I should be handling this. Besides her past, her and I match on so many levels its crazy! We are both christians (very important) and we have the same values and beliefs, goals and desires. I feel like her past is coming between us, when it shouldn't be. I love her family and everything else about this relationship but I just need the help to overcome her past! Suggestions? Tips? Help!

try telling your wife because she choose me that she cant give blood for the rest of life and you were a bisexual. i found the blood thing two yrs ago and told my wife about that, and she found through a friend what i was. i was going to tell her when the time was right as i got to know her better.

we werent engaged at that time but just dating. my wife was no saint.

 

[persecuted]

Ninja250: I hear you on your concerns. I share what you are saying but think I tend to put the same thing a slightly different way. People nowadays seem to like to say "the past is the past" but I can't help but to think past indiscretions cheapen the whole concept of marriage and long term relationships. I think if some girl has done things you never have it'll always feel like she has something up on you. So if you were to plunge in and marry her, there'd be this constant wish to level the playing field and be this constant rationale to cheat on her."Hey, you slept with lots of other people, so why can't I?" I guess the thing that goes with this is the biblical concept that pre-marital sex is in fact cheating on your future spouse.

Moreover, though, when I look at how marriage has evolved over the years, it seems to have become something grossly balanced in the favor of women. Now the expectation of the virgin bride is viewed as unrealistic and out of date. Where I live women don't seem to want to marry until after 25 and more around 28. They feel it their right to take advantage and "sow their seeds" in their most desirable years. When you pay attention, this present marrying age is about the time many are losing their looks. So the concept of the beautiful wife is even limited. I've started to wonder more what it is I am supposed to be tying myself to exactly. Read recently that a member of the band "Nickelback" got divorced after about two years in what sounded like a pretty lame marriage from the start and the courts ruled he must pay her $25000 a month to upkeep her lifestyle. Just saying, overall, the whole balance seems to have gone for women and not really sure what men get out of the whole deal anymore. Don't really get the concept of promising fidelity and lifetime financial support to someone just because they can't seem to score at the bars as quickly as they used to. Maybe I'm just jaded... and apologize if I've strayed too far forward since I think we were mostly just talking about dating. But then if we're all good christians we probably are always thinking of getting that worthy life long partner and not just how to get some saturday night action.

 

[grovenored]

OP:
There are a couple of quick points I think may help you as they have helped me, but before that a little background so you know I'm not just talking about something I have no experience of.
I messed around a tonne when I was a kid/teen, I did a lot of stuff I shouldn't have, and have had to seek God to put it all right before him. It was tough, but I've done it and I'm glad I have. I still remember having to tell my girlfriend about past "dalliances", and it was crushing having to tell her. There were also parts of her past I struggled to hear too, so I know from both sides of the coin the problem you're having.

My first point would be that although it's difficult to get over these sorts of hurts when you find something like this out, it's not impossible. Remember, she didn't do any of the sinful stuff to you, she did them to God. If Jesus has forgiven her, surely you can too. Remember, Jesus died for the sins she has been humble and brave enough to admit to you (which is, in and of itself a great sign of her respect for you as it would have been tough for her), so you should accept that and pray you can move past it. If you can't then maybe you're putting yourself above Jesus.

Secondly, putting God in the place of highest esteem in your relationship will be a great idea for you. If you seek God out in all of your problems you will find it easier to accept and move past what is a raw emotion for you at the moment. As you rightly pointed out - her past is currently very new to you, and hurts like that can take time to heal, but they will do and when they do she'll still be there, and God will still be calling you to be the man she needs. You need to love her in a way that transforms her, and you can't do that until you've worked past the past. That make sense?

As a side note, I don't know what age you are, but make sure you're old enough to consider this relationship leading to marriage. Don't date at a time where marriage isn't an option, or won't be an option in a realistic amount of time.

As for the point Persecuted raised I would say this - don't let what culture has to say on issues affect the way you see things as a Christian. There's always the danger of saying "culture has evolved beyond what the Bible comprehends as it's such an old book", but to do so is to call God's word fallible, which it is not. If you consider the divorce before you marry or even date (as you referred to the recent Nickelback divorce) then you're already entering into a marriage expecting it to fail. That's not the kind of faith God calls us to as men. Further reading on this point would be 1Peter 3, 1Timothy 3 & Ephesians 5.
Furthermore, you mentioned the feeling of going into a marriage thinking she has one over on you. That's a really, really dangerous way to think. I would say any man who thinks that way of his girlfriend should not consider marriage because he is still a boy. This "one-upmanship" attitude is childish, and 1Corinthians 13:11 says "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways." So any man who thinks this way should too give up his childish ways and become a man.
I, of course, don't say that to judge or condemn, that's not my place. I just want to make sure no one is making mistakes that are avoidable.
Ninja250, this applies to your situation I feel: I understand the past can creep into the future, that is always the case. Fearing you're not what your girlfriend wants is a very valid fear that a lot of Christian guys struggle with. I would say that if she has picked you to date, and picked you to marry, then you must be doing something right.
But at all times, as Proverbs 4:23 says – “Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life.â€
So guard your heart.
Also, the Bible calls us to have our spouses as our standard of beauty. If anyone should ask us to picture our perfect woman we should picture our wives. So if you're with someone skinny you like skinny. If you're with a blonde you like blondes, and so on. This means, when dating, you need to find the total attraction (attraction of physical, mental, spiritual and emotional), otherwise she can't be your standard of beauty.

I apologise for the long post, I tend to ramble. I'm also sorry if some of this is not quite relevant to what people have said, I'm tired and it's been a long day so I may have misread some stuff

 

[persecuted]

Grovenored:

You say that I am letting culture dictate my views over the bible. I'm not so sure. BIBLICALLY, pre-marital sex is just plain WRONG. Yet nowadays we accept it. My point is that this cheapens marriage as God intended it. And my point about Nickleback isn't that I'd marry expecting a divorce, but rather that given how people disrespect the institution of marriage by engaging in sexual debachery and divorcing at will, there are still some very stringent LEGAL constraints that make marriage very onerous. If women don't think they need to hold up to any of the traditions of marriage, then given these legal obligations, I have to maintain that the concept of marriage is a raw deal.

I agree with your description of what a wife should be for somebody --- taking into account all physical, spiritual, emotional, etc aspects. Yet, you say its "childish" for me to state my concerns of possible emotional aspects of a relationship with someone whose past might upset me. I guess the simple answer would be to never marry such a woman. Then that "childish" view would never manifest itself. Although I probably just hit a hotbutton on your part because you state that you yourself have a pretty sleazy sexual history and hence I assume can better grasp the modern day attitudes of "screw who you like" until you decide to "settle down" with a legal marital contract. If people were more Christian in their pre-marital behaviour, I guess we wouldn't be having this conversation with its liberal usage of "forgive, forget, and overlook".

 

[grovenored]

Sorry, I just re-read your post and I mistook you stating culture's views on marriage as your own. I agree that legally marriage can be a raw deal for the dude, but ultimately if you go into marriage fearing the worst then that's not the best basis. Sure, it's worth considering, but not something that should stop you marrying, or valuing marriage. I think what I'm getting at is if you're selective in who you date and eventually marry, praying through fervently and considering everything, you up your chances for a successful marriage - where the legalities of divorce become less of an issue, if an issue at all.
I feel as Christians we should fly in the face of culture, and not let the legislation regarding marriage jade us toward an "institution" (for lack of a better word) that is blessed by God.

I don't believe I used the word sleazy, and I certainly didn't intone or infer that I ever had the "screw who you like" mentality. I don't know if that was a deliberate attempt to annoy me, but I'll assume it wasn't.
I also didn't at any point say your point was childish, but the "it's a competition" between you and your spouse part you raised was. Though I agree that if you're prone toward those sort of feelings you're right, you should steer clear of women that have that kind of past. I don't think it should be an issue for us as men of God though, frankly.
You're also right in saying that if people lived Christian lives pre-maritally we would have no problem, but unfortunately that's not the case so we need to make sure we don't have hang-ups about the women we date. Not everyone has been saved their entire lives.

Once again, I apologise for mis-reading your original point; if it caused any offence it was not my intention.

 

[persecuted]

I also apologize for getting too personal.

Some more points I would like to make:

It is no easy thing growing up and trying to be moral and pure. Whether male or female. Anyone who abstains from sex must deal with both their own inevitable desires and with the likelihood of believing that "everyone else is doing it."

Anyhow, if you do abstain, it isn't exactly the best proposition to fall in love with someone who they themselves never put any effort into "saving themselves for marriage" or being moral in the least. I think it a fair view for someone to fear their own purity compromised by their partner.

Yet there seems to be this added double burden that I found voiced on this thread before I ever messaged myself. Apparently when confronted with the dilemma of the previous paragraph, many will voice that one should not judge and should be forgiving of others... or they are not a good christian.

I personally went through this at some point in my life and it caused a lot of grief and pain. I was falling in love with a girl with a lot of history, which seemed wrong, and yet there was this other religious message saying it was wrong to think it was wrong. When I look back and see how this girl wasn't reformed and probably never will reform from her bed hopping ways, it all seems like a stupid attempt to mentally force me to be with one particular girl out of pity.

Now when I think of relationships I realize that no one but myself will look out for my own interests and there really isn't any bibilical reason to be with anyone in particular with the exception of already being married (or perhaps pregnancy or other indiscretions).

The way I see it, I am not Jesus, was not sent here to "redeem" one particular woman, and am not giving access to heaven. Hence whatever criteria I choose for a possible marital partner is going to be much different than what gets someone to heaven. (Even though all the women out there think being married to me basically would be heaven.)

 

[JohnEboy1983]

Ninja250, this applies to your situation I feel: I understand the past can creep into the future, that is always the case. Fearing you're not what your girlfriend wants is a very valid fear that a lot of Christian guys struggle with. I would say that if she has picked you to date, and picked you to marry, then you must be doing something right.

Shes not my girlfriend and tells me how great of a guy I am but wont date or get involved right now. She uses circumstances as an excuse but who really knows? I ended our friendship..details in another thread on christian talk and advice so its over with now. For now on I think I am just plain not going to get involved and try to stay away from girls with an extensive past unless they really really prove to me I am what they truly want.

 

[persecuted]

lol, Ninja250, your descriptions of this girl are so similar to the most hideously problematic girl I ever met you make me wonder if she isn't the same one! Girl comes along when I was young, dumb, innocent, and way too sheltered spewing to me how lonely and friendless she is. Then as I'm partly falling for her because she's kinda cute and partly because she's playing me up for pity she starts babbling out how she's been sleeping with random strangers. I don't know what to make of it as she progresses to telling me how amazing I am and how great its been for her to get to know me. As |I'm completely torn about her but can't get her out of my head she springs some out of town boyfriend into the picture leaving me totally crushed. Of course after the one weekend of the boyfriend at her house she is back at school saying she doesn't really love him so much and is back with the lonely and friendless stories with some more how great of a guy I am stuff. Looking back, I think I was just letting myself get sucked into her pathology with the silly notion that I was somehow the shining knight that could save her from herself. I'm not big on giving chick advice but learned myself not to sit back and let women dictate everything by catering to all of their emotional needs while I sit back and wait to see what they want from me. If you put this post together with my last one on this thread you'll get the full picture of how things played out. Don't know much details but it sounds to me you did right with that girl. No sense being the "emotion" guy for wild loose women.

 

[jessanew]

What's odd, I think, is that we have two people here talking as if only women/girls mislead men about their pasts. Men are just as guilty of such behavior as any woman.

Even in 'nicer' times, when premarital sex was looked down upon, it wasn't exactly fair. It was looked down upon for women only - for men it was, and still is, acceptable. Women are continuously, these days, put into quite a conundrum. In our world of double standards, if she doesn't 'put out' she's called a prude, a tease, an ice queen, immature. If she does 'put out', well then she's a slut, a dirty, filthy tramp.

If men have premarital sex... it's not only alright -- it's applauded! They're the man, they're a stud! If they're a virgin, waiting for marriage (as they are supposed to) they're a loser.

These stereotypes are played out not just in society overall, but within the Christian community as well.

I find many Christians more willing to forgive men for their past transgressions - drug use, alcohol abuse, promiscuous sex. Once they turn over a new leaf, people are ready to forgive them, and see them in a new light, in the light of their new lives.

I find they are not quite so forgiving of women. If a woman has had a life of promiscuity, or even just made a mistake and slept with a man she was in a long term relationship with (especially if it resulted in a pregnancy and a child), I find many Christian people who still look down upon her. They seem to ignore the fact that she has prayed, and asked God to forgive her. They overlook that she's been forgiven by God.

What everyone - OP included -- need to remember is Matthew 7 : 1-2 :

"Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again"

 

[grovenored]

"What's odd, I think, is that we have two people here talking as if only women/girls mislead men about their pasts."

I hope you don't mean me, that would be a total fail on the "getting my point across" meter.

Persecuted, you say

"it isn't exactly the best proposition to fall in love with someone who they themselves never put any effort into "saving themselves for marriage" or being moral in the least."

Does that mean you find the idea of marrying someone with any sort of past to be an inevitably disappointing or crushing endeavour?
What does this make of Christians gals (and guys!) who have a past of abuse or prostitution etc?
Not calling you out or having a pop, just curious as to your position

And you're right, you're not here to get girls into Heaven, that's Jesus' job alone. On this point, does that mean you would or wouldn't date a non-Christian?
Again, just interested.

Cheers.

 

[persecuted]

Thank you for your questions grovenored.

I guess how I would put it, is that it changes when you are at different stages of your life. My views which I expressed reflected what I felt when I was 17. I've described basically events of how I had tried to be very moral and found myself having fallen in love with some woman that flaunted everything I believed in. In the end, I never really had to make a choice since her past became her present and then her future. I don't think on any grounds I have to have any sympathy for anyone that repeatedly tells me how lonely and friendless she is before dropping a not so ex ex on my heart.
Back at the time however, I felt like I was being punished for not instantly forgiving her many transgressions.

Looking back, for all of this talk of "thou shalt not judge" I think I would have been much better protected if I had just declared "whore" and moved on. Really wouldn't have made any %*(@ difference to her anyhow.

Anyhow, YES, I would absolutely prefer to have only a Christain woman and only one with a very strong moral background, and even preferably a virgin. BUT I don't pretend that I necessarily have the strength to hold a rigid standard... especially when few of such are anywhere to be found. You fall for who you fall for and are kinda stuck with that. In my case, I haven't truly fallen for anyone for some time so I guess in theory I could hold to a fairly rigid standard.

The other thing though, if someone is gonna make you deviate from your true wishes, they might make you deviate in other ways too. So some hot skank might be able to reel me in, but is there any reason to think about marriage with such? If I break my moral code, it'll break in more ways where I'd agree with Cameron Diaz's anti-marriage viewpoints citing marriage as outdated.

A thought I've had since posting on this thread, is why it is that all of these pasts are happening and need to be forgiven. Some say they became Christian later in life but there are also many brought up in churches who have no excuse for sins. Like why are there no virgins anyhow? To which I still maintain there is something wrong with lectures about "thou shalt not judge" mixed in with anger when I suggest then a complete sexual free for all where if I get married, why not a license to still screw whoever I want despite a band on the hand? If God's laws don't matter before, then why after? And why is this "thou shalt not judge"mentality always applied so selectively? If I don't want to give to Haiti then "thou shalt not judge" if I want to cheat on my wife "thou shalt not judge"... but, no, people don't like that. Its always apply "thou shalt not judge" in the very same self serving way secularists apply their own morality. No one ever seems to want to hear the then "thou shalt not judge Adolph Hitler" speech.... but really, if you can't "judge" anything, then there is no point having any morality whatsoever.

Sorry, I don't know how to go back to get the username of the person two posts ago without losing everything I have written. I hear your points on double standards between the sexes and agree about both genders being deceitful but I guess the rest I've written applies.

 

[jessanew]

The point of 'thou shalt not judge' (which isn't exactly what I said) is that it is not our place to judge such minor transgressions. It's God's place, not ours.

You can prefer who you prefer, but what I got out of several posts was "Yea, women totally mislead men about their pasts" and I know I speak truth when I say there is definitely a double standard in place against women - both in and out of the Christian community. I know what I see when I see men forgiven, by the community, for their past transgressions, and women being put up as harlots. Is it fair? No, absolutely not. Does it happen anyway? Absolutely.

My point is -- if one can't get over her (or his) past, then that's YOUR problem. God's already forgiven them, if they've taken the appropriate steps.

 

[grovenored]

Thanks for answering, Persecuted.
Man, it sounds like you've had a really rough time of it with the dating scene over the years.

Maybe it would have been better if you had decided that girl from your past wasn't right for you, yeah. But we learn from our mistakes, so now you know you have a need for a higher standard, so it's one of those - bad at the time, good in the long run.
Be careful with the words "whore" and "skank" though, bro; some people find those offensive.

As for your question, I'll break it down:

"why it is that all of these pasts are happening and need to be forgiven[?]"

These 'pasts' are happening because people aren't getting the right teaching at a young age, are listening too much to a culture altogether saturated in sexuality, and aren't being informed of the results of promiscuity.

"I suggest then a complete sexual free for all where if I get married, why not a license to still screw whoever I want despite a band on the hand? If God's laws don't matter before, then why after?"

A lot of people aren't Christians when they get married as for some it comes later in life. Also, I believe you mentioned in a previous post about how the guy always gets screwed over in a divorce, so there's another reason for not cheating on your wife. The main point, however, would be that as a Christian you should want to keep God's laws, regardless of whatever else is going on. Not because you have to, but because you get to. If God entrusts you with his daughter there's a reason for it.
This also ties in with why The Bible says not to date non-Christians (2 Corinthians 6:14, Deuteronomy 7:3-4), because they're going to have the same desire to please God as you are, and you get a good marriage from that. Also, with Christian gals you have a much higher chance of finding that person you're seeking, background and all. Yes, they're hard to find, but no, it's not impossible.

"but really, if you can't "judge" anything, then there is no point having any morality whatsoever."

Try not to confuse judging and condemning someone with having sound judgement or discernment. It takes sound judgement and discernment to view other people's sins and see if you're strong enough to handle them, where it is not condemning of them to decide maybe you're not, because they have a background of abuse or whatever. However, saying "you're a dirty whore and I wouldn't touch you" is pretty condemning, and is not reliant upon sound judgement.
It is not our place to Judge, as Jessanew so rightly pointed out, but we can have discernment and good judgement. Proverbs calls us to this several times throughout the book.
As for the Hitler thing, he's already been judged so speculation on it seems pointless, but I would say you can make a judgement call and say "he killed a lot of Jews, he wasn't a nice bloke" or whatever.

I hope this all makes sense and has helped. Feel free to message me if you have anything you want to discuss.