Distrust in marriage

[hiedi]

I will welcome any opinion but a guy's view would be interesting...
Last May my husband and I started having problems. It's been like a roller coaster since. In October there was a confrontation between my husband and my stepdad. Because of some things I decided to leave. I was gone for a week. I took part of our savings and held it. My husband took the other half and opened his own account. What I went back home I put the money back in our account. My husband has not closed the account and best I can tell is adding to it. He lied about a check that was mailed to him. He told me it was only $200 but I had already looked and it was quite a bit more. He doesn't know I know he lied. I know I'm being very deceptive about this because I looked in his wallet and saw the bank inquiry that showed how much was in the account. I don't understand why he thinks he needs this account. It's like he don't trust me. There's a part of me that thinks he's building this account and when he has enough he's going to leave. Because of this, I increased the deposit going into my credit union. I feel like I need to protect myself. I'm not moving money to this account, just a deposit from my check each month. I guess I feel guilty doing this too because I'm doing to him what he's doing to me. There's more going on but this bank thing is eating me alive. Any advice oh how to handle this?

 

[Quath]

It definitely sounds like distrust and protecting onesself. You need to try to find that trust again if you can.

The problem is that you two crossed a line. You started separating. If the original problem hasn't been fully resolved or if there are continuing problems, then it may seem likely to him that this will repeat.

So one strategy is to confront him with the knowledge you have and state you have been doing the same. Then talk about what you two can do to regain each other's trust.

I would suggest counseling as well. It is a good way to lay out each other's problems. Plus advise from a neutral party is easier to implement.

I wish you well.

Quath

 

[hiedi]

Thank you for your advice. I have suggested counseling but he says it won't do any good.

 

[Lovin]

REGARDING DISTRUST...

I agree with Quath, on this matter. Also, if I might add, if you are doing something that you don't want your other partner to know about, then it is dishonest. So that is two ways with both of you. You do need to sit down and discuss what is really going on and why. Get it in the open and I pray that you two will make this work.

Lovin