How do you explain divorce to young children?

[Guest]

How do you explain divorce to young children?

My parents got divorced when I was very young. I never thought much about it until recently when my 3 year old started asking questions like “Why aren’t Grandma and Papa married?†and she also asks whether or not My mom is going to marry the man that she is living with.

I want to explain to her that it isn’t God’s will that people get divorced, and that Mommy and Daddy won’t, but I also need to be careful, because my daughter has a very quick tongue and likes to ask questions, as well as tell people what has been said.

So, any ideas how to explain the situation? I don’t want her to grow up thinking that it is alright and normal for people to get divorced, but then I also don’t want her to think that Papa and Grandma are bad…

Thanks in advance.

Blessings

 

[Khristeeanos]

but then I also don’t want her to think that Papa and Grandma are bad…

Um, sorry to say this, but they are bad. You need to tell your child the truth.

and she also asks whether or not My mom is going to marry the man that she is living with.

Your mother is committing adultery and you want to expose your child to this? I say cut off all contact with your mother for the sake of your child/children. Do you want to show your child that such behavior is acceptable? :-?

Don't be surprised if your children do the same when they get older. :


Sorry to be so blunt, but it is the truth.

 

[Drew]

Khristeeanos has the right to suggest that you cut off contact with your mother. I think such a suggestion is destructive.

 

[ArtGuy]

but then I also don’t want her to think that Papa and Grandma are bad…

Um, sorry to say this, but they are bad. You need to tell your child the truth.

They're perhaps bad in the sense that every one of us is a sinner, yes. But they are not bad in the sense that they're horrible people that we should shun.

Your mother is committing adultery and you want to expose your child to this? I say cut off all contact with your mother for the sake of your child/children. Do you want to show your child that such behavior is acceptable?

Good idea. Just like Jesus told us to never have contact with the prostitutes and other sinners. Wait, my mistake - he told us to judge not lest we be judged. If we shunned everyone who acted contrary to the teachings of the Bible, we would all be very lonely.

I agree, M&M, that you should be honest with your children. If you aren't, they'll soon learn the truth, and they'll grow to distrust you. You don't have to necessarily give them all the details, but you shouldn't lie to them.

Do you view divorce as a human mistake, or as an affront to God? If the former, you should tell your children as much. Tell them that your parents are good people, but that they made a mistake, and that they're trying to correct that mistake. If the latter, tell your children that your parents have committed a sin, but that the proper thing to do is to accept them and forgive them, since we're all sinners. Family is important, and you certainly don't want to tell your children that they should disown family just because they've done something wrong. If your parents are good people, then they should be loved and respected, even if they sometimes fail.

As to the shacking up bit, that's a tough call. I suppose it would depend on how you view it. Three years old is a bit young to be learning about the birds and the bees. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of your mom's arrangement, perhaps you should simply tell your daughter that they're friends, or roommates, and ask your mom to try not to flaunt the relationship when your daughter is around. Or you could simply acknowledge it to your daughter, and tell her that you're not sure if your mom is going to remarry. Just make sure you make it known that you still love your mom, whether or not you approve of her actions.

 

[lovely]

MM, I am a mom too, and I understand your heart on this matter. Take your fears and worries to God, and trust Him. I would also ike to encourage you to talk with your husband, and see how he wants to handle it...then, let him.

MM wrote:

How do you explain divorce to young children?

MM, you indicated that your daughter was three, and now she is asking questions. I think you should stay very general in your explanation. I think it is fair to say that the consequences of sin are long lasting. I would be honest, in a general way, that all of us sin, but that Jesus forgives sin. To love them, and pray that if they haven't asked for forgiveness...that they will.

MM wrote:

My parents got divorced when I was very young. I never thought much about it until recently when my 3 year old started asking questions like “Why aren’t Grandma and Papa married?†and she also asks whether or not My mom is going to marry the man that she is living with.

The living together part is wrenching your heart, I am sure. I wonder if you could not talk with your mother about your concerns? Does she feel it is alright? Does she feel she is in sin, and feel unable to do something about it? Share the Lord's message with her. It is hard because the lifestyle is being promoted in front of your daughter, and she will be familiarized with it. However, that being said, if you explain to her that the Bible teaches against it, and that grandma needs truth, prayer, and love, then she can learn early how to pray for others, and to take her own cares to Christ. I would prepare your mother, though, that this issue has to be discussed, and that you must tell your daughter the truth of God's Word on the matter. Your mom will have to deal with the consequences of her choices.

MM wrote:

I want to explain to her that it isn’t God’s will that people get divorced, and that Mommy and Daddy won’t, but I also need to be careful, because my daughter has a very quick tongue and likes to ask questions, as well as tell people what has been said.

MM, I think that your concern for your daughter is very good, and that she does need to be reassured that God is in control, and that she needs to put her trust in Him. You and your husband may never divorce, but you could lose him to death, or he you...I would place emphesis on God being in control. This can also be an exercise in learning discretion, and grace...even at such a small age seeds can be planted of these character traits.

MM wrote:

So, any ideas how to explain the situation? I don’t want her to grow up thinking that it is alright and normal for people to get divorced, but then I also don’t want her to think that Papa and Grandma are bad…

MM, I think that you can let her know that we are all sinners. This is an opportunity to highlight the need for, and love of, Christ. Grandma, and PaPa, need God's love if they are not reconciled to Him. Point out that there is nothing that God can not forgive if asked...that is how loving He is!

I would pray before I spoke to her (your daughter), or your parents. I think you should send them a letter (or have a discussion with your husband leading it), and let them know how you feel about the situation, and how your daughter is being taught. It is their responsibility to deal with the rest. MM, it is not your responsibility to make them appear better, or excuse their sins.

It is so hard to stand for Christ, and to teach our children to. There will be problems such as this to deal with her entire life because we live in a sinful world, and it is our own sin as parents that we end up grieving over the most. I can remember at least five conversations with my family, and my late husband's, that were very difficult. A few things took years to settle, but we trusted in God, and did what we thought He would have us do...with an attitude of love for our family. We were trying to live right for God's glory, not trying to 'be' right for ours. The Lord bless you, and I will pray for you all.

lovely

 

[Khristeeanos]

but then I also don’t want her to think that Papa and Grandma are bad…

Um, sorry to say this, but they are bad. You need to tell your child the truth.

They're perhaps bad in the sense that every one of us is a sinner, yes. But they are not bad in the sense that they're horrible people that we should shun.

Yes we are all sinners.

Your mother is committing adultery and you want to expose your child to this? I say cut off all contact with your mother for the sake of your child/children. Do you want to show your child that such behavior is acceptable?

Good idea. Just like Jesus told us to never have contact with the prostitutes and other sinners. Wait, my mistake - he told us to judge not lest we be judged. If we shunned everyone who acted contrary to the teachings of the Bible, we would all be very lonely.

The Bible clearly states that if someone has a habit of sexual sins and is unrepentant, we must treat them differently.

It doens't use the term "shun" but it does speak in extremely harsh words:

• 1 Corinthians 5:
  
  9I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people 10not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.

Surely you can see that we treat believers different than unbelievers.

If a non-Christian is in any kind of sin, we are to befriend them and show them love.

But if they claim to be a Christian and are in blatant, unrepentant sexual sin, we are to kick them out of church, and not associate with them no matter what.

Even if they are family - even a mother.


It may not be popular, but it is God's commands to Christians.

 

[ArtGuy]

Surely you can see that we treat believers different than unbelievers.

I can certainly see that you do.

But if they claim to be a Christian and are in blatant, unrepentant sexual sin, we are to kick them out of church, and not associate with them no matter what.

Even if they are family - even a mother.

And by telling her mother to get lost, and keeping her daughter from knowing her grandmother, you think this will help return her mother to God's graces? No. All it will do it alienate her from her mother, deprive her daughter of a grandmother's love, and make it more likely that the mother will keep on acting immorally.

People make mistakes. Sometimes they make really big mistakes that violate the teachings of God. The best solution is not to wash our hands of them, but to maintain contact with them and try to influence good behaviors. God doesn't give up on us when we err, and we shouldn't give up on others.

M&M should let her mother know that she disapproves of her actions, but she shouldn't be so hateful and spiteful as to punish her daughter for her mother's transgressions.

I think the hateful approach that you suggest is a large part of the reason why so many people view Christians in a poor light.

 

[Merry Menagerie]

You don't have to be in fellowship with people who are unrepentant but being a family and being a friend to them is different from being in fellowship. You don't have to fellowship with the grandmother but you still have a relationship with her. Jesus had relationships with sinners but he was never in fellowship with them.

Anyway - to the question at hand....

Why not explain to her that some people, if they don't love each other anymore, they get divorced. Then explain also that some people live together and don't get married. Explain that it's not what god deems as ideal but we mustn't judge them. Just explain that some people do things that God may not like but we love them anyway.

 

[Scott]

Explain to your daughter how God views divorce and also tell her that adults must make their own choices in life with regards to obedience. Their grandparents made a choice not to obey. It doesn't mean you love them any less but that we all should make it a priority in our lives to obey what God says. Its your responsibility to teach your daughter to know right from wrong.