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How to deal with age differences?

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polysci006

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I read through the Is age still a factor... thread, and that seemed more like a general inquiry than a request for advice, so here goes.

I've known and worked with this woman for over a year now (about 14 months, actually) and for the past month and a half or so, we've started talking and have come to realize that we are mutually interested and we do "click," and while we still have a lot to learn about each other, there's still some concern about how her family is going to react to me.

She is 18, a senior in high school, while I am 28, a junior in college (I've been a little slow in figuring out what to do with my life). We're both Christian, so that's not so much of a factor. The two big hurdles we are expecting are the age difference, and the fact that I'm divorced (long story, but the details are here). So, I'm really just wondering how we approach our families about this.

It's not what you might call "serious" yet.. just going out to lunch with groups of mutual friends (we work together), sitting down and chatting with each other when we have time. No kissing or "I love you" exchanges, nothing like that. I'm of a mind to talk to her family now, but she's afraid of how they might react. I know the reaction will be worse if we wait too long, or if they find out from someone else, but she's still reluctant to talk to them. With all of that in mind, some advice on the how and when would be helpful.
 
It's interesting to me that people look at a situation where one is older than the other with such disdain.

I mean, especially if the older person is the guy. Let's say he's 30 and she's 19. Let's say that they genuinely love each other and have their heads on straight. What's the problem with them dating and even getting married? Why should a number be so awful?

And sometimes people would even look at the 30 year old as if he were some kind of a pervert. I don't get that. Just because he's older than her makes him a pervert?

It's just stupid. In the Bible days, men were often much older. Even 20 and 30 years in many cases. It's amazing how people let their own biases and traditions become a matter of righteousness. It's a confusing as people voting for a Democrat!
 
I don't know why it is, but I called an elder of a church I used to attend but don't anymore due to conflict issues with my former in-laws, and talked to him for a while. This man has known me for 10 years, and has been involved with my situation from the start. I told him about everything, including her age, and he agrees that I have Biblical grounds to remarry, and shared his opinions with me, and actually gave me a lot of relief, since I now feel I'm moving in an acceptable direction, both individually and with my girlfriend.

He advised we start thinking about premarital counseling now, if the thought of marriage has already popped up in our conversations. Reason being, if we start now and we uncover major issues, we'll catch them soon enough so that we can end the relationship before we get so blinded by infatuation that we don't listen and make a mistake. I had wanted to put it off out of fear of making her feel rushed, but I think his reasoning makes more sense.

I expected the kind of disdain you mentioned, especially since this man is about 75 years old and is an elder of a very conservative Church of Christ. The approval of faceless names on a Christian forum is important, but his approval meant a great deal to me.
 
polysci006 said:
I read through the Is age still a factor... thread, and that seemed more like a general inquiry than a request for advice, so here goes.

I've known and worked with this woman for over a year now (about 14 months, actually) and for the past month and a half or so, we've started talking and have come to realize that we are mutually interested and we do "click," and while we still have a lot to learn about each other, there's still some concern about how her family is going to react to me.

She is 18, a senior in high school, while I am 28, a junior in college (I've been a little slow in figuring out what to do with my life). We're both Christian, so that's not so much of a factor. The two big hurdles we are expecting are the age difference, and the fact that I'm divorced (long story, but the details are here). So, I'm really just wondering how we approach our families about this.

It's not what you might call "serious" yet.. just going out to lunch with groups of mutual friends (we work together), sitting down and chatting with each other when we have time. No kissing or "I love you" exchanges, nothing like that. I'm of a mind to talk to her family now, but she's afraid of how they might react. I know the reaction will be worse if we wait too long, or if they find out from someone else, but she's still reluctant to talk to them. With all of that in mind, some advice on the how and when would be helpful.
Click to expand...
My wife Laura is 24...Im 42 this month.
Im also divorced and that TWICE from two women who could not seem to comprehend the meaning of 'monogamy'.
Her family was pretty upset when they found out how old I was, and believe me, it took our being married for about a year before they started to realize that she hadnt made a mistake.

Your families may not like it until well into your marriage...they may not want to accept it until then....but you have to do whatever you understand as Gods leading for your own life.
Scripture says that a man will leave his parents (and family) and cleave to his wife. While marriage IS a family matter, family cannot be the final factor in our marriage...God and our intended spouse must be the final and absolute considerations in the matter.

Some of Lauras family took to me immediately. Her father, brother and the others didnt do so well at first.
An odd one that did was her fathers mother. She was a wonderful woman in her early 80s at the time and had lived a fantastic life as a godly christian woman who spent decades in the service of the saints. She seemed to immediatly accept our relationship and before her death she said quietly to me 'take good care of her'. Her acceptance really set the tone because they all loved and admired this woman in a way Ive never seen myself, having come from a very dysfunctional background.
I think it started out a bit more as accepting me because she did for a few of them, but over time theyve come to see that Laura and I have a really great relationship and she has really become such an unbelievably wonderful wife and woman.

I think that the best you two can do is to try to offend everyone as little as possible while you show them over time that your relationship is going to be something great.
Id always count on the naysayers, they exist everywhere, but if you prove them wrong instead of fighting with them, eventually they will have to accept your relationship...even if thats all they accept.

Im one who understands where youre coming from and your concerns, for sure...that first year was torment on my nerves. Just keep your cool and stay the course...they'll come around in the end if you two have a good marriage and stay in Gods will

:)
 
With all of that in mind, some advice on the how and when would be helpful.
Click to expand...
When depends, for sure, on the families current state of mind.
Its absolutely going to be easier if they arent facing any other issues at the time. My guess is that if you are doing well financially and can provide for her that it will be of GREAT benefit to your case.

How? Again it depends, but Id toss the idea around of doing it together so they see that you are united.
Laura had to do it alone, regretfully, and it was horrible on her because her father and brother were able to to really keep at her for months because she was 'alone' as far as they were concerned.
Once I was in the picture with her and we were 'together' they stopped harassing her very quickly...even tho they still did not approve.
 
I met her family (parents, brother, and her aunt, uncle, and niece from out of state were visiting, too) at church last week. She'd been inviting me, and I'd been nervous about meeting everyone, but went ahead with it anyways.

They actually seemed to like me, although we did not tell them any more than the fact we were coworkers. She feels things will be easier if they get to know me as a Christian first, and she knows her family better than I do, so I'm trusting her judgement.

I'll be going back this weekend. We'll see how things go, I suppose. So far, so good!
 
My girlfriend is 20, I'm 27, so I understand. Some thing's are awkward, hanging out with her friends for instance ( I think why would I want to hang out with a bunch of kid's, then I realize I am dating one :lol: ). She sometime's think's differently from me, and thing's I lived through, she learned about.

However, I am completely in love with her, and she is with me. We don't let these thing's get in the way, we try to make our difference's fun, and complement each other where we can. I will be getting married March 15, after two year's of dating. We have had trouble's, lot's of them, but we alway's come out on top.
 
I'm a young man who has never been in a serious relationship, and has only dated two girls his freshman year in high school. I can't say i have much wisdom from hindsight or from experience, but I know God's word a bit.

The two best thing I can think of are keeping in line with God's will and being as honest as you can about the situation. If God's blessing the relationship, then trust he'll solve the outlying issues.

It may not be something you want to rush, but being that i'm speaking from at least five years below the next youngest poster, I'm not in much of a position to talk about timing.
 
People can change a lot between the ages of 18 and 23, so there's a bit of a risk there. But I think what the pastor who suggested you start marriage counselling said is brilliant advice.

Counselling just helps you work through stuff before you get too seriously involved and see it as something you have to 'pass' rather then something that could show whether you're both very compatible.

All the best with it.

(For the record, I know of two couples where the guy was 26 I think and the girl was 16 - and both had a lot of issues to work through, but both are either in full time ministry or working towards it and have happy marriages.)
 
My parents had to get special permission from a judge and married in a register office because she was 18 and my dad 29. Both families disagreed and would have nothing to do with them. They know it was right so got a special license which you had to do in those days (1950). They were married for 53 years before dad passed away. Both sets of family came round to the idea in the end.

I think the important thing is "What does God say?" Its his opinion to seek.

God bless
Julia
 
It's interesting to note, that in all the levitical laws, age never became a sole issue in terms of sexual immoral acts. God word never speak against large age differences and so they really should be seen as more than they are.
 
I agree with LeeSW. It is silly that people look at age differences as a bad thing.

While I do think there is a a lot of growing up that happens between the ages of 18-20, I hope my future daughters date and marry Godly men who are older than them. They are usually more mature.

Most parents might think that the older guys just want to get in to the girl's pants, but so do the younger guys! And the older a man gets, the more his mind switches over to wanting to find a lifelong partner, instead of just a girl to party with.
 
Now that I have a bit more experience with age differences in dating, I can add some wisdom. My wisdom is this, as long as you can be with that person and trust they are God's person for you, age doesn't matter. In my case, I'm dating an amazing woman who is 3 and 1/2 years older than me. I didn'th think twice about it because I knew God was giving me the green light.
 
the age between you and your girlfriend is not bad for intimate relationship. The problem is in the girl if she's ready to commit a short/long term relationship. For me, I had experienced a short term relationship which age gap is 8 years. For the guy, keep it serious and stick to one with your girlfriend and show your trust, loyal, love to build up a strong relationship. Just try to talk her and her families, so that her parents will know the intimate relationship of her daughter. Mostly the girls are curious when it comes to dating or relationship with.
 
Hi everyone, I've been following this discussion for a while now and honestly, was compelled to join this forum just because of this topic. I believe that if we are truly waiting upon God for a good mate, we should trust that He will give us just that. More often than not, our mates rarely appear as we or society would like them to. We make the mistake of letting good relationships go just because they did not appear as we anticipated. I prayed for a good man. I got him. Thing is, he is 13 years older than me. I come from a society that would be surprised by such an age difference and being part of it, so was I. Infact, I was very hesitant at first, quite confused, but with time and prayer(mostly from him and friends who believe in us!) got to accept that our age difference can serve for good if I let it...and that the reverse is also true. Now, I am confident and have been constantly drawing my strength from God, not social validity. The story of Ruth and Boaz is also a great inspiration..
 
Hi, Highly Favoured. Welcome to the site :)

I think that when people see an older man with a younger woman they automatically assume that he is taking advantage of her. Sometimes that is the case with teenage girls, but to categorize everyone the same is wrong. I think that if you are an adult, then you should be free to make your own decisions based upon what the Holy Spirit (if you're saved) leeds you to do. My boyfriend is a couple of years younger than me, but you would never know it to look at us and its not that big of a difference anyway. But when we first met, neither of us thought that the other was our "type". It was God who brought us together and made it quite obvious that we were intended for each other, and getting to know each other required a lot of obedience to the Holy Spirit's prompting. Now, we are so much in love it's rediculous, and can't imagine not being with each other.

I encourage you to be obedient to the Lord if you feel that this is the man for you, and one of the best ways to find that out, I think, is to pray about it TOGETHER.
;-)
 
Hi Caromurp :biggrin ,
Thanks for the welcome.. I totally agree with you on the comment about us praying together, it works so well... I pray that things are going on well in your relationship, and that they keepoing on well. :tongue
 
I'd say things between Caroline and I are ...INCREDIBLE!!! I think we'd both agree one of the sweetest things about our relationship is how important our faith is to us. From night one, we have made a constant effort to pray together, and it just adds to the romance because we share that much more of our lives together.
 
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