Husband With a Question...

[husband10]

I need your prayers and advise...

I am 29 yrs old
she is 28yrs old

(In a nut shell)
For the first year and a half of my marriage, my wife and I had NO sex. When I try to touch her she got mad, when I try to talk about having sex, she got mad...it became a battle. Frustration grew because one I was a grown man married to a beautiful woman whom I could not touch and I began to think she did not love me. After about 4 months into our marriage I began dabbing into pornography. I became addicted because that was the only sexual satisfaction I was getting...this went on for another year. From porn I began to chat from chatting I began to talk on the phone, which lead to two different women I slept with. The bad part the two women I committed adultery with were from our church. One was kind of close to us. She hung out with us sometimes. There was no love attached just sex a couple of times. I accepted my calling as a youth pastor last year and because of that I had to be cleansed. After fighting the truth and lying to my wife everything eventually came out. From 10 yrs ago to the acts of adultery.

My wife finally had sex with me when she found out I cheated on her. How is that? Come to find out she was cheating on me. She had a male friend whom she knew for a long time. They started out friends/coworkers then it evolved into an unspoken relationship. Three months before we got married she told me they slept together but did not have intercourse. (She told me this after I told her my infidelity) Came to find out she was still talking to and on occasion seeing this guy during our marriage. Visiting him and not telling me truthfully where she was. She claims the only thing she did was kiss. She just stop communicating with this Guy like three weeks ago. (At least she says she did) I had to confront her with it.

So, that is in short...
I need advise on this...She says because of the severity of what I did (deceitful, cheating, and disrespecting) I should not even think about her infidelity. Is this so?? I need to know.

And she says that she has no fault in my infidelity?? I think she does. I know I would have not taken the route I did if we were making love like a married couple should. Now I take full responsibility for my decisions, don't get me wrong. I have repented and asked God for forgiveness and I am reaping. But these issues are stunting our growth and the repair of our marriage.

Is the advice she got from others correct. I should not be worried about what she did and she is not the blame for what I did??

Please help me to understand. I am getting weak from her not understanding and her forgetfulness of all the pieces to this puzzle of both of our destruction. She only sees what I did.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Rob]

I need your prayers and advise...

I am 29 yrs old
she is 28yrs old

Age doesn't matter as much as maturity, please don't take this offensively but I'm not sure if both partys in this marriage knew what they were getting themselves into and if they were mature enough to handle it.

(In a nut shell)
For the first year and a half of my marriage, my wife and I had NO sex. When I try to touch her she got mad, when I try to talk about having sex, she got mad...it became a battle. Frustration grew because one I was a grown man married to a beautiful woman whom I could not touch and I began to think she did not love me. After about 4 months into our marriage I began dabbing into pornography. I became addicted because that was the only sexual satisfaction I was getting...this went on for another year. From porn I began to chat from chatting I began to talk on the phone, which lead to two different women I slept with. The bad part the two women I committed adultery with were from our church. One was kind of close to us. She hung out with us sometimes. There was no love attached just sex a couple of times. I accepted my calling as a youth pastor last year and because of that I had to be cleansed. After fighting the truth and lying to my wife everything eventually came out. From 10 yrs ago to the acts of adultery.

I don't really know where to start here because I personally see a lot of things wrong here. First off marriage is not something that just works on it's own, it takes a lot of hard work to keep a marriage together. I believe your wife was wrong to not take care of the things in the bedroom that needed to be taken care of but I don't think all of the blame is on her either. Something I have learned about women is that for some reason they rarely come out and tell you when something is bothering them (at least not right away) instead you have to learn to take hints. When your wife was refusing to sleep with you she was telling you that something was wrong and was probably wondering herself why you had not caught on to that. It seems to me that you were more worried about sexual gratification than what was wrong with your wife which probably upset her even more (correct me if I'm wrong here). As far as the actions that you took, marriage is about a whole lot more than sex and I can tell you for a fact that I would not look to other women if my wife stopped having sex with me. You may have felt wronged by her lack of willingness in the bedroom but that doesn't excuse the fact of what you did. It seems as you realize what you did is wrong but you want to hold your wife as at least partly responsible. You can't blame your wife for any part of your actions, when you got married you vowed to remain faithful to her, not to remain faithful as long as she remained faithful or kept you happy in the bedroom. Let me put it as clearly as I possibly can, your wife is in no way shape or form responsible for you commiting adultery. She did not have any part in it at all, that was all you chasing worldly pleasures.

My wife finally had sex with me when she found out I cheated on her. How is that? Come to find out she was cheating on me. She had a male friend whom she knew for a long time. They started out friends/coworkers then it evolved into an unspoken relationship. Three months before we got married she told me they slept together but did not have intercourse. (She told me this after I told her my infidelity) Came to find out she was still talking to and on occasion seeing this guy during our marriage. Visiting him and not telling me truthfully where she was. She claims the only thing she did was kiss. She just stop communicating with this Guy like three weeks ago. (At least she says she did) I had to confront her with it.

Let me put it like this, your wife has cheated on you with that other guy. Even if she never had sex with him she still cheated on you, at least emotionally. I don't care who you are a real relationship can not survive on deciet and lies. You need to seek some marriage counseling from some in your church, most ministers will do this for you and often for free. If she wants to continue to be with you she needs to break off ties with any other men and she needs to do as you say you have done. She needs to ask God for forgiveness and she needs to admit she has done wrong.

So, that is in short...
I need advise on this...She says because of the severity of what I did (deceitful, cheating, and disrespecting) I should not even think about her infidelity. Is this so?? I need to know.

And she says that she has no fault in my infidelity?? I think she does. I know I would have not taken the route I did if we were making love like a married couple should. Now I take full responsibility for my decisions, don't get me wrong. I have repented and asked God for forgiveness and I am reaping. But these issues are stunting our growth and the repair of our marriage.

Is the advice she got from others correct. I should not be worried about what she did and she is not the blame for what I did??

Please help me to understand. I am getting weak from her not understanding and her forgetfulness of all the pieces to this puzzle of both of our destruction. She only sees what I did.

Thanks in advance.

She needs to ask you to forgive her for what she did and you need to ask her for forgiveness as well. Once you forgive her you can't throw it back in her face every time you have an argument or bring it up just to shut her up about things, that is even if she doesn't forgive you (remember Matthew 7:2: "For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.") I honestly believe that if she is not willing to admit her own wrongs that she is probably still doing the same thing and it won't stop until she realizes that she has done something wrong. Your wife needs to remember that two wrongs don't make a right. Yes what you did was wrong and what she did was just as wrong. I don't think either of you have any right to blame the other for what you did, Adam still got kicked out of the garden of Eden even though Eve tempted him. If you are going to make this marriage work you are both going to have to put a lot of hard work into it and you are going to both have to ask God and each other to forgive the infidelities that have already occured and try to start over from a clean slate. Rember that admiting your sins and asking for forgiveness are not the only steps the biggest one is repentance and as a youth minister I'm sure you know what that means. Personally I hope you try to work things out and repair your marriage before having any more realations with your wife because it might be a bad situation to be bringing a child into. Work on the marriage first then work on the bedroom.

 

[husband10]

Thanks!!!

I have posted my situation on several sites to get the best non bias advice and out of all of them you have put it on the table. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment because everything you said made clear since and I have a good understanding of what needs to be done.

But let me ask you or anybody this. I have set us up for counseling with our church and we have to take a few steps before we actually start. My wife has not started her part because she says she has no time. She does have a high priority career, but I thought that she could take a little time for our marriage. Then when she gets home from work, she is too tired to do much. How can I persuade her to do something without starting an argument like what usually happens?

Another thing is you said if I forgive her I cannot bring it back up. She does that to me all the time. She keeps bringing it back up with little hints or comments. And when it makes me angry then I will say something about her male friend. Then she says that I should not even be worried about what she did because of the degree of my adultery and lies.




Be Blessed.

 

[Rob]

Re: Thanks!!!

But let me ask you or anybody this. I have set us up for counseling with our church and we have to take a few steps before we actually start. My wife has not started her part because she says she has no time. She does have a high priority career, but I thought that she could take a little time for our marriage. Then when she gets home from work, she is too tired to do much. How can I persuade her to do something without starting an argument like what usually happens?

Unfortunatley the best advice I can give you here is to pray for her and to keep on trying, don't give up. I find it disgusting the number of marriages that end in divorce and I'm a firm believer that marriage is a lifetime commitment that should not be ended but worked on and improved. The thing is a marriage will not work without God, as you have already found out yourself. If you force your wife into going to the counseling sessions she will be very unlikely to get anything good out of them, in fact it might make things worse because she will resent you for doing so. Sometimes the only control you have of a situation is realizing you don't have control and realizing that you have to turn the situation over to God. I think this might be one of the situations where all you can do is pray for your wife and keep talking to her. Don't let her turn it into an argument, I know it's easier to yell back when someone starts yelling at you but the easy ground isn't always the best to take. Don't stop trying to nicely encourage your wife to attend the counseling but if she trys turning it into an argument then you need to take action to de-rail it. Some women just start arguments to avoid situations or to pass the blame (no offense to the women on this board but I've found that women sometimes like to start arguments so they can pass the blame for something they have done ) Something that has worked for me with my wife, when she tries turning the conversation into an argument is just smiling at her really big and telling her that I love her, although sometimes that backfires and really ticks her off you have to learn their moods I geuss. If nothing else works, walk away until she has calmed down and try it again.

Another thing is you said if I forgive her I cannot bring it back up. She does that to me all the time. She keeps bringing it back up with little hints or comments. And when it makes me angry then I will say something about her male friend. Then she says that I should not even be worried about what she did because of the degree of my adultery and lies.
.

I have a hard time trying to describe forgiveness myself because it can be complicated to explain, at least for me it is anyhow. I did however find a website that was pretty good at explaining it here is a link, http://www.christian.connections-c.com/for.html The short answer is, if you have forgiven her then you should not be bringing it back up. It may not be forgotten but it should be as if it was forgotten. I would like to ask if your wife is a Christian, that is if you don't mind answering that. A sin is a sin, her sin is no better or worse than the one you commited it is still a sin. If she is a Christian you might remind her of Matthew 5:28 when Jesus tells us that lust in the heart is adultery and a sin, he didn't say it's a sin but it's not as bad as actually following through with your urges. That is your biggest problem right now, she is not willing to admit to what she has done, maybe she doesn't feel like she has done anything wrong. The facts are she has violated her trust with you and it is going to take a little while to fix this. I would like to mention this and you may not like it, I'm sure your wife will hate it. If you continue reading from that last verse I posted you will find Matthew 5:29 where Jesus tells us to part from anything that causes us to sin. Well you mentioned that this male friend of hers was a co-worker and her job is what is preventing her from working on her marriage. It almost sounds like her job is causing her to sin, I'm sure you get where I'm going from here, If Jesus would have you gouge out your eye I'm sure he would want someone to quit a job if it was something that was causing you to sin. :

 

[husband10]

Thanks again!

I have been waiting for some good christian advice on my marriage and you have definatly showed me the light. At this point I will take your advice and let go and let God handle her and our marriage.

Because I or our married couple friends cannot show her what she did was wrong. She just gets mad and say we do not understand her situation. And continues to say what I did was worst and I should not even think about her act.

Clarification...

One...My wife is a christian. She truely loves the Lord. Two...her male friend does not work with her anymore. They have not worked together for about 5-6 years. We even live over 900 miles from him. The thing is when they met up (those couple of times) with each other before, they had to plan it. When they communicate with each other its usually on the phone or via email/text messeging. I say this to say she cannot quit her job because of him. I just have to try and trust her when she says she is no longer communicating with him. And everytime she goes out of town she is not meeting him.

I am still not taking lightly what I did, this is really the first time I get to talk about her adultress act. She won't let me because its not as bad.

 

[lovely]

Husband,

You have my prayers in this matter. I think that you must extend much grace and forgiveness to your wife, and she you. I think concerning your own sin, you are soley responsible for that, and that you need to simply forgive your wife hers. Placing blame, even minutely, on someone else for your own sin is not accurate. You are the leader of that home, and you should have known if you had your wife's heart or not...had you been paying attention, and obeying God from the first as the head of the house, you may have been able to protect her heart from sinning against God and you. You must take responsibility for this. That being said, however, she is responsible to keep her self from sin, even when she is not being protected, or lead, by her husband. She should be seeing her sin in the same light as you should see yours, as her own. She should also forgive you as well. To forgive is to end it, and never bring it up again. Start over, and trust each other again. I know this is a hard thing, but God calls us to forgive, and for a marriage to be built on His Word alone. I wonder if the two of you have said you are truly sorry to one another? And, I think that ALL ties to others MUST be broken completely...no more communication whatsoever. I believe this is the starting point, and is Scriptual. The next thing is to simply not continue in it, or resort back to it in the future.

I would say, even before the counseling, is to look in Scripture together and what it says about marriage, and the roles of husband and wife. It seems that the two of you need to get back to the fundamentals, as if you were just married. You are to be head of your home as Christ is head of the church, and love, love, love her. And your wife must submit to you as the church does to Christ, and honor, honor, honor you. This is the model, and this is God's best. If you can get back to these principals, or apply them for the first time, in your marriage, then God will bless it abundantly. This is utmost in the success of a marriage, to base it on the Word of God, and to embrace, and understand, the roles of each, and why they are actually a believer's ministry in this world...their first ministry because marriage is a picture of Christ and His church. In Timothy, the older women are encouraged to teach the younger women to love their husbands, and be keepers at home so that the Word of God is not blasphemed. These are strong words. Do you have your wife's heart? Have you ever had it? This is a question you must ask her, and then you must make an effort (together hopefully) to gain it.

Then, I would say develop your prayer life together. Not just physically together in each other's presence, but throughout your days following Christ's pattern of prayer, and lifting each other up to the Lord. Asking Him to keep your from temptation, and to keep her from it, and vice versa. To not just have God on your mind throughout the day, but each other as well...praying unceasingly for the success, protection, strength, etc. of the other. This will keep God on your mind, and the one you are one flesh with on your mind. It will also help you both to resist temptation, or evil and unforgiving thoughts. I would say another practical thing is to communicate lovingly thoughout the day as much as possible...notes, email, phone, etc.

As far as her job, and the counseling, this may be her way of not making an effort, and part of the orginal problem of not putting each other first. The marriage must come first after God. It is God, her husband, and then her children, and the same applies to you. The marriage, outside of God, is the priority, not the career. The money is nothing if it costs everything, and neither is the career building for that matter. I know, I left my career to stay home and care for my husband, children, and home. I thought it was such a big sacrifice at the time, but now I know that it was nothing at all...like leaving a trash heap for a rose garden. Anyway, my point is that the one flesh that you are a part of must be a priority above all else. It makes no sense to not work at this if you want it to succeed. Changes have to actually take place. I had a teacher once who use to day that if you want things to be dramatically different, you must change dramatically. This is true, and God's Word is the pattern. Get back to the basics of the matter. Do not let the outside pressures, influences, and the like keep you from obeying God in this area by side tracking you both from His best.

I can recommend some commentary on this topic if you would like, but I think that Scripture is clear about the model of both husband, and wife, and if followed with conviction, and with an honest effort to love one another, and to honor, or esteem, the other above all others...even above yourself, you will see good solid growth. I will keep you both in my prayers. The Lord bless you.

 

[jgredline]

Thank GOD that you have found someone in Rob and Lovely that will give you Godly advice.

Lord I pray for my brother husband10 that you will settle your peace that surpasses all understanding that the comfortor will direct him through the path your taking him and his marriage. I pray that you will give him and his wife that you will give them a clear mind to make the right decisions. I pray that through this you will be glorified. I pray in Jesus name. AMEM.

 

[Kevin]

Watch this video it will help u ALOT i promise:
Video-Keys for a Happy Marriage