[__ Prayer __] i gotta stay the course

[Christ_empowered]

Men around here openly disrespect me. I'm apparently considered a "passed around f@ggot," which is super special. Its making my faith falter, sometimes for a moment, sometimes longer. "Count the cost..." no one said it was going to be easy

I'm counting my blessings (there are many, Praise God!) and praying for my enemies. I'm trying to grow in the faith, not just say the words. Being able to feel...anything, really...is new-ish to me. I'm not floating through life now, and that's one major blessing. And with it comes...

...feelings. Real ones. And thoughts...sometimes sad ones. And reality...which , its true: bites (at times).

I was expected to be dead at 23. Then I was expected to "know my place." Now...I dunno. I get the sense that I'm just a non-entity around here. Not a huge deal...God didn't bring me this far to destroy me. When anybody gets saved, there's a backlash. When you're also low on the totem pole and stigmatized, and then good things happen for you (by God's grace)...don't expect a ticker tape parade.

Its just frustrating. I went to a convenience store today, pre-paying for gas, and the dude in front of me was talking about me, kind of under his breath, to the cashier. This was in a small town inbetween my small town and a small city in the county. Its happened before. The neighbors...are getting better. I'm not dumb now, so its harder to mess with me. I'm also less amusing, for the same reason. God is good.

Ugh. Please pray that I can keep the faith and get out of the way so Christ can work in me and in my life. I'm getting better about staying rational under these circumstances, but I have to get better at it.

Thanks.

 

[AirDancer]

When these challenging moments present themselves, think to yourself "Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings and love You have bestowed upon me. And now, Lord, I pray for Your blessings and love on (person trying to get to you). I thank You and praise You, in Jesus' precious name!"

Life isn't always easy, nor is it always fair. At least you have an advantage over those who seek to undermine your self-confidence: you have an ever-growing relationship with our Lord, who loves you dearly!

 

[Eugene]

Please pray that I can keep the faith and get out of the way so Christ can work in me and in my life. I'm getting better about staying rational under these circumstances, but I have to get better at it.

I can pray for this part of your post, and will.

 

[Deborah13]

CE, you are not alone.

 

[HBEtechnician]

Men around here openly disrespect me. I'm apparently considered a "passed around f@ggot," which is super special. Its making my faith falter, sometimes for a moment, sometimes longer. "Count the cost..." no one said it was going to be easy

I'm counting my blessings (there are many, Praise God!) and praying for my enemies. I'm trying to grow in the faith, not just say the words. Being able to feel...anything, really...is new-ish to me. I'm not floating through life now, and that's one major blessing. And with it comes...

...feelings. Real ones. And thoughts...sometimes sad ones. And reality...which , its true: bites (at times).

I was expected to be dead at 23. Then I was expected to "know my place." Now...I dunno. I get the sense that I'm just a non-entity around here. Not a huge deal...God didn't bring me this far to destroy me. When anybody gets saved, there's a backlash. When you're also low on the totem pole and stigmatized, and then good things happen for you (by God's grace)...don't expect a ticker tape parade.

Its just frustrating. I went to a convenience store today, pre-paying for gas, and the dude in front of me was talking about me, kind of under his breath, to the cashier. This was in a small town inbetween my small town and a small city in the county. Its happened before. The neighbors...are getting better. I'm not dumb now, so its harder to mess with me. I'm also less amusing, for the same reason. God is good.

Ugh. Please pray that I can keep the faith and get out of the way so Christ can work in me and in my life. I'm getting better about staying rational under these circumstances, but I have to get better at it.

Thanks.

Sending my desire signal to you now.

 

[wren51]

Praying for you.

 

[jack K]

Hi CE

It is never easy but your faith and strength is really inspiring. You have definitely grown in Christ and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Will keep you in my prayers, if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Thanks, y'all. As always, there are socioecononmic issues. Read: I used to be what southerner's call "poor white trash." Now, I have very little money of my o wn, but I have reasonably affluent people protecting me and providing for me, so...not "poor white trash," w hich is a terrible expression, anyway.

I heard one set of neighbors talking about me earlier today, while I was having a cigarette. Apparently, "that's just how we feel about him," which is fair enough. I don't think I'll ever become a member of this community, not with the way people feel about me. On the plus side, because of Christ's work in my heart, mind, and life, I see that the people who condemn me are no better than me....in all likelihood, they never were "better," just...more normal, able to get jobs and all that. They played by the rules better, basically.

Here's what's crazy...I remember vaguely reading this CS Lewis stuff, in a CS Lewis thought of the day book (1 quote for a year) that sinners are all the same; Christians are as unique as snow flakes. So, I thought about it, and...my terrible, pre-Christian life story was bad, painful, all that, but it wasn't the least bit unique. "That's what poor people go through," and "Psychiarists do that to "trouble makers," and so on, so forth. But when I got for real saved 2 1/2 years ago...things changed. In a real sense, it was no longer I who lived,but Christ who lived in me, from that moment on. Here in my own life, I'm demonstrably different, inside and out.

I don't like the way I've been treated, but...whatevs, right? I'm blessed I'm not in abject poverty w/ no escape, in and out of jail, homeless, in prison, maybe in the state mental hospital or a group home. My family has moved much closer to forgiving me. They lifted me out of what I'd call "real poverty" into...well, I have litle money of my own, but I have all I need plus extra, and I'm getting a degree online. That's huge.

So, yeah..."too blessed to be depressed." I think, once again, that this is part of growing up that I didn't do/didn't get to do...happens. At least I can go through it now.

 

[eddif]

I Corinthians 6:9
Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,
10 Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.
11 And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.

Philippians 3:13
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

eddif

 

[Angel]

Hebrews 13:5 NLT
For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.”

Romans 8:28 NLT
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

 

[Rob Cuse]

CE alot of good advice and prayers in this thread for you. Keep your eyes on the prize, as they say. See the finish line and walk confidently towards it. You are a child of God. God is with you, walks with you, and will never leave you. Just as a father would, God smiles as He sees your growth and knows your future. I smile because I see just through your posts that your heart wants to be right and holy before God. So keep pressing forward, keep growing your faith daily. You will make it and be so much stronger and wiser for all of your trials and tribulations. May God grant thee ALL that you need and also I ask God for a special blessing, soundness of the mind. Our God is more than able and by faith we do claim that which we ask for in Jesus name.

 

[Edward]

...
Ugh. Please pray that I can keep the faith and get out of the way so Christ can work in me and in my life. I'm getting better about staying rational under these circumstances, but I have to get better at it.
Thanks.

Here you go Brother, here's a scripture to encourage your faith. These people in your town are fulfilling prophecy and thereby proving God's wonderful works in your life. You know how you can tell that you're on the right track? They hate you! Rejoice in that Brother because it'll all come out in the wash, just like Jesus said.

John 15:17-22
17 These things I command you, that ye love one another.

18 If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.

19 If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.

20 Remember the word that I said unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you; if they have kept my saying, they will keep yours also.

21 But all these things will they do unto you for my name's sake, because they know not him that sent me.

22 If I had not come and spoken unto them, they had not had sin: but now they have no cloak for their sin./ (KJV)

Be strong Brother.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Joshua 1:9

 

[Edward]

CE, I hope that sort of response doesn't rub you the wrong way. I've seen in the past where good Brothers and Sisters were in a bad way and asked for prayer...and someone invariably tells them to "have faith", and they get mad or frustrated because it comes across like a canned response that seemingly doesn't really help. However, it is true and there is a place in faith where one gets it and is able to find peace in their bad situation.

There was a story in scripture, I forget the reference, where a couple/few Apostles would go into a town to spread the word, and wind up getting beat down. Then it goes on to describe how, they'd walk out of town, basically high-fiving each other and rejoicing that they were found worthy enough to be set upon and persecuted. They were excited about it! That's what I'm talking about. This planet and it's tribulations are dust in the wind Brother. In the grand scheme of eternity, this life will be ever so short and things will be good for you (us!) later on. Times and seasons Brother.

 

[Christ_empowered]

hey edward...I didn't mind the posts...

...I guess I'm just frustrated because I'm finally waking up to the fact that, in the world's eyes,I really don't matter. And there's not a whole lot I can do about it, either. I used to think it was all my fault--and I did do a lot of bad things, of course--but now I realize...I started out low on the totem pole and this world just destroyed me.

On the very plus side, I'm 30, almost 31, and I'm: healthy, Born Agan, smart again, pursuing a degree, and...yeah. Its just crazy, when people go around talking about who I was 10, 15 years ago...and I don't remember very much of it at all (shock "therapy"). Oh well. When we die, all our memories are wiped away, anyway...The Bible tells us not to look backwards, to what is behind...

I'm blessed to be alive. I mean, people around here were under the impression I'd be dead by 23. Then it was going to be a couple years, 6 months, any time now....I will soon be 31, and I'm remarkably healthy. I think I just gotta get rid of some my remaining worldly thinking. So what if I'm low on the totem pole? I'm making progress towards a degree. Even if that goes nowhere, I'll still get disability. So what if I was a homely, Rx pill popping flamer? I am no longer. Somehow, I'm not even homely, Praise God! Being ugly was rough...

That one set of neighbors is forever trying to get under my skin. I mean, they were out in their yard, saying stuff to me (loud enough in their yard for me to hear it) even though a storm was fast approaching. I was on the front porch, just having a cigarette and listening to my mp3 player...I heard them between songs. That's how low on the totem pole I am. People in a perfectly respectable, decent part of town harass me when I'm just minding my own business. These people comment on my appearance, my hair, my psychiatric treatment, my sexuality, everything...just to get under my skin. I'm getting tired of it. What's weird...once, I stepped forward a bit and looked over there, and they stopped talking as loud. What's with that?

Anyway....yeah...low status. Its been this way most of my life, and its crazy. Actually, I think its a big part of the reason I'm "crazy." When you're low status, not only do you go crazy, but then when you go crazy the shrinks give you Hell....because you're low status and crazy. Ugh.

But, I've been taken off the broad road and blessed along the way . That's a good thing, of course. And, honestly, I think maybe my status has gone up, just a tad. I don't have the feeling that I'm suffocatingly low on the totem pole now which, like I said, is probably where a lot of my so-called "mental illness" came from. Interestingly enough...I'm doing better, but the community has voted me "schizophrenic." Lucky me, lol.

 

[Edward]

I hear ya' Brother. being low on the totem pole and then sinking even lower on the totem pole is a rough thing to wake up to. But according to scripture, I must decrease, and He must increase...

What's weird...once, I stepped forward a bit and looked over there, and they stopped talking as loud. What's with that?

I told you before brother! lol! They're scared of you! Can't you see how defensive in nature their behavior is?! Seeing the changes in you probably shakes them to their core. They're so full of hate and darkness through feelings of inadequacy that they react on you and try to pull you down, (thereby masking their fear.) You read that DSM, right? They're in there! lol.

I'd be tempted to step over and ask them what they're afraid of some time when they were talking, lol. But maybe not, sometimes pulling down peoples underwear and leaving them exposed makes them angry and provokes them. lol.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Thanks, Edward.

OK. So, its not going to be easy. Then again...being a burned out, brain damaged, flamboyantly gay, prematurely aged, former Rx pill head wasn't easy, either. This is difficult, but in a good way...I get the sense The Lord is going somewhere with my life, I just don't know where.

I'm still worldly, too worldly, which is weird, considering that I had heavy shock 7ish years ago that wiped a lot of things out...memories, personality, etc. etc. etc.

His ways are higher than our ways. Honestly, a lot of this is just people in this lil town and area in general (small, southern area with little towns, a small city, etc.) being open about their dislike and/or hatred for me. When a very ugly person suddenly looks...well, normal, and surprisingly healthy...that makes people in the world mad. And when a very stoopid person is suddenly smart and doing things and moving forward...that makes people in the world mad. I'm writing this down as I figure it all out. The Lord's work in our world is always met with opposition. I hear that when anybody gets saved, there's a backlash. Miracles happen, they get written off...me, for instance; its not a miracle, I"m a freak of nature, I've had stuff done to my face, so on and so forth. See where I'm going with this? When Jane Doe's cancer goes away, its "spontaneous remission" or...well, just forgotten.

It bothers me, but what can I do? Nothin, that's what. I pray for my enemies. Now, I've been praying to God to will to get rid of bad junk I hold towards enemies and...well, a lot of people. I think now one reason I'm stuck in the bits and pieces of the past I can remember is because I haven't fully forgiven those who wronged me, much less shown them any love.

I emailed this online ministry for Christian with mental problems. They emailed back and said to pray for those who have wronged me by name. UGH! By name?!?! That's rough. I'm getting there. When you're low on the totem pole, most people are against you, lol, so...that's a lot of people.

But they have a point. I think a lot of my schizo-bipolar-whatever is rooted in a mix of stress and un-forgiveness. The problem is that I pray for my enemies, I pray for God to "bless them above and beyond what they actually need," and...still holding onto some anger, lol. I can't do anything in the flesh except try to psychobabble my way out, and that never works. Ugh.

Thanks again.

 

[Rollo Tamasi]

Christ_empowered, you are living in hell.
Look for God to get you out of there.
In the meantime, try writing an article in the local newspaper telling how Jesus has changed you, don't mention anyone else, just give him the glory for changing your life.

 

[Christ_empowered]

yeah...Rollo...I'm beginning to feel the same way, lol. I'm gonna have to start praying for a way outta here...

 

[iLOVE]

God’s Everlasting Love

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? 33 Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”[c]

37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:31-39 NKJV

 

[Christ_empowered]

ugh....its just...OK, I know The Lord is with me. I know we're not to ask for signs and such, but if He didn't have a plan for my life,I wouldn't be healthy or...you know...alive. Just making it this far (I'm about to be 31) indicates that, as people around here say about me, "somebody up there likes him."

Apparently, a lot of people (at least in my neighborhood) assumed that I was going away somewhere...prison, state mental hospital...because of that legal situation w/ the ex shrink. God moved on my parents' hearts, and I had an excellent attorney, so...free. I mean, on probation, but free (misdemeanor probation isn't that big a deal, honestly).

I just wonder where this all is going, or better put: where is God going with my life? When I finally got saved, I was a chronically unemployed, brain damaged, homosexual facing a felony. Oh, and I probably still had narcissism. That too. Now, I'm chronically unemployed, somehow smart enough to do what I wanna do (read: get that 4 year degree at long last), washed and made clean former homogay, and...I got a misdemeanor, lol. Oh, yeah, and I have a completely different personality...apparently, I don't have the narcissism, which is a good thing. I do, however, require some meds for "Bipolar I" (I swear, everybody's "Bipolar").

It just...gets frustrating. To be fair, though, a lot of this is kind of "the great reveal;" this is how people have felt about me for over a decade.Docs went after me because I was a) "poor white trash" b) from a "rinky dink, middle class family" and c) a "trouble maker" (the " " because its their words, not mine). Now, my people "moved up in the world," and take care of me (I also get disability), so I'm not "poor whtie trash", my people aren't "rinky dink middle class" (since when is being middle class a bad thing?!?) and...well, I'm still considered a "trouble maker," but whatevs.

Sometimes, I'm concerned that if/when I move, my records will follow me. I mean, my ex-shrinks are vicious like that. Ugh. On the plus side, going through all this has made me a praying machine. When you can't focus enough to read Scripture...you can always pray, am I right? In good news...I emailed an instructor from last subterm, thanking her for being so patient with me and providing such good, constructive criticism on a paper (I made a low A). She replied, asked if her husband could read the paper, said it was well-written and...wished me well as I pursue my calling. Little thing, I know, but...it got me to thinking...I do have a calling, don't I? I have a terrible past, a sometimes trying present, and a future...because God wills it (must be the whole "omni-benevolence" thing I keep hearing about). He did not bring me this far to destroy me. And yet...

I get frustrated.