I messed up big time in the past, should I tell my wife

[finch1476]

I have been married for over a year and been with my spouse 8 years prior. I love her to death and am very ashamed of what I did at my friends bachelor party 5 months ago. We went to the city, drank a lot of alcohol and ended up at a strip club. I didn't want to go but since our whole group went in, I just followed. I could of been responsable and just took a cab home but I didn't and from there, things got worse. I didn't have intercourse but did do other things. The entire night felt out of my control and completely out of character. I would have never done this on my own will in a normal state. It was the alcohol and the peer pressure - both not to blame but only myself for getting to that point.

My wife and I have both committed our lives to Christ a month ago. To tell you the truth, God probably would of never spoken to me if I never committed this act. This was my big fall before Jesus could save me. I have forgiven myself and I think God has too. When I was saved, all the guilt went away but the shame didn't. I have not told my wife in fear of her reaction. I have definitely learned from my mistake. I feel terrible that I tainted our near perfect relationship. She is not a forgiving person by nature and holds grudges quite easily.

I was spiritually lost during this period when I committed this horrendous act. Just thinking about it disgusts me. I know God is trying to tell me that I need to tell her. I try reading posts about other people in this situation and it seems it's 50/50 on to tell or not to tell.

I'm a new Christian and really trying to show God I love him by obeying him. I want to do what's right as much as I possibly can. Before I was saved I was content with not telling her, now it's all I think about and happens to come up in every bible study, reading or at church.

I know we should confess our sins to one another to be fully healed but I can't bear hurting her just to have this get off my chest. I am afraid of her reaction. I know I should tell her. Any advise how I can or if I should?

 

[jasoncran]

its likely that the spirit of jealousy is upon her. they know.

you should confess and ask for forgiveness and pray that your marriage can remain as such.

 

[Mike]

Welcome to CFnet, Finch.

I'll be interested to see what others advise, because I have some thoughts, but even I am not completely convinced of what I'm thinking.

When I read your title, I thought you'd be talking about something you did long ago before you knew your wife. But we're talking about something recent. First of all, you've confessed your sin to the Lord, repented, and I believe the key here is going to be forgiving yourself.

The whole ordeal sounds ill-conceived, from the partying with heavy amounts of alcohol to heading to the strip club to... But, you're saying this was before giving your life to Christ. I pray you never put yourself in this position again.

The thing about telling your wife is, you need to listen to what the Lord is telling you to do. If this were me, I'd have to tell her. It would mean a rough go for a while, and I would need to re-establish her trust, but I would never want to take the chance that she finds out for herself. If that happens, any remorse I express will probably be viewed as remorse for getting busted. Being proactive would show her that I have remorse, and I'm grieving over this error; enough to open up to her about it without being forced.

If this was long ago, I'd be telling you not to put her through something that should be left in the past. But having happened a short while ago, this is about your lives joined as one. It will be difficult, but if God is moving you to confess it to your wife and you obey Him, I'm confident He will see you two through it.

And forgive yourself. God's seen his children do a lot of crazy things, and there's nothing that's beyond his Forgiveness. Be blessed.

 

[Danus]

I think this needs to be in the men's section, but here goes.

finch1476, man up, and by that I mean if this information is going to hurt your wife then don't tell her. What good would it do if all your going to do is dump what you own onto her for her to share your burden?

Also you need to fully own this. I'm hearing you caught between excuses and owning it. Get rid of the excuses. You made this choice by your own will, not friends, not alcohol ect....I'm not coming down on you, but you need to keep this burden on your shoulders and not share it with your wife.

Lastly, let God use this to draw you closer to him. It is God who makes you anything, not you, so let him do his thing in you.

 

[Mike]

BTW, Finch needs access to the Mens Locker Room. Finch, hoping you come back, you will need to request access to the Mens Forum before you can be approved and added. PM me if you can't figure out how to do it.

 

[finch1476]

Thanks for the Feedback, again 50/50 on what I should do How do i bring this to the Men's Locker? Thanks for your support guys. Ill PM for access

 

[MoG-Starr]

I'd listen to what the Lord has been telling you. I'm assuming since you mentioned that it keeps coming up that you probably already have some idea of what you are supposed to do. Particularly when messages come to us through the Word itself, they tend to be pretty clear.

If I'm off the mark on that, then pray for guidance and be open to God's reply. He won't lead you down the wrong path.

 

[handy]

Chiming in with a woman's perspective here...you need to look at this from your wife's perspective.

What kind of woman is your wife? Is she the type that wants all information so that she can make an informed choice of what to do?

Also, what do you think she would do with the information? Divorce you? Stay with you but be forever hurt?


If the end result of your telling her is that she will stay with you, but have to struggle with the fact that you've now put the onus on her to forgive you for your bad behavior...then suck it up and stay silent.

You do not need to confess to her what you've done to be forgiven. God can and probably already has forgiven you for what is past and not to be repeated. Confessing to her only opens up hurt and distress.

But, whichever way you act...act in her best interests not yours. Yes, it would be sort of nice to unload this on her, and then expect..."well, you call yourself a Christian and Christians are supposed to forgive, so forgive me"...but that would be wrong. If you tell her, tell her only for the purpose of giving her information she needs to have to make an informed choice about her marriage. But, since you say she is a Christian as well, then you also need to consider that she really isn't free to divorce you, as you only acted inappropriately and hurtful...but didn't commit adultery. So, as a Christian...what is she supposed to do with that? Especially since you say she struggles with forgiveness anyway? This would be a really huge burden to put on her in my book.

I'm not your wife, but for what its worth...I'd much rather my husband not say anything to me. If he had ever done anything like that...and it was a one time deal, not to be repeated...just move on already and don't burden me with it please. I'd rather keep my image of my husband as one worthy of my respect. What God has forgiven him, I'd rather not have thrust onto me after the fact.

 

[reba]

My thoughts Handy i had no idea how to put them on 'paper'....

 

[Mike]

Dora, I don't mean to "debate" you. It is interesting, the different ways we are looking at this. If this were years ago before they met or shortly after, I would definitely agree that there would be more hurt than good that comes with bringing it up. For the sake of finch, I think this is worth discussing.

My thoughts are these:
If you were her, how would you feel if you found out through the grapevine? Wouldn't it hurt more, coming from someone else? Would she then wonder how many people knew, were talking behind her back and not telling her? Do you imagine she might have the false assumption that he wasn't remorseful for the deed; only remorseful for having been caught? I would think this would establish him as being trustworthy, so she would have less doubt in the future. If she found out by some other means, it seems she would always have reason to wonder if he's being faithful.

I agree that finch knows her best and might be able to say how she process the news. Coming from you (a woman), perhaps I'm dealing with speculation, and you have a better perspective. All that keeps running through my mind is her horror in finding out about this from a friend and how finch's silence would look to her.

No doubt, this would be a difficult time, but I do believe they could grow stronger from it in time, and it would be less painful coming from him.

 

[handy]

There is definitely merit in the argument regarding how it would feel if someone else told her, instead of her husband. However, it's been 5 months and so far, no one has come forward with the gossip (gosh, gossip is so destructive on so many levels, this is just another one!!!)

Here is a way to get around it.

Finch, if you and your wife have a pastor or trusted Spiritual leader, someone who knows both of you, you can always go to that person and talk things over with him. Assess the risk of her finding out via gossip and assess the pros and cons of telling her.

I would still advise not telling her, but if she does come to you at a later date with the "So and so told me, what's going on", then you can tell her that you kept the news from her simply because you didn't want to burden her with your bad behavior and you can also have your pastor councel her and verify that this was your reason for not telling her.

Finch, we here can't assess how likely it is that she would find out via gossip...if it is likely, then getting advice from someone who knows both of you would be a very good idea.

Meanwhile, I hope that everyday and in every way, you are reinforcing to her how much you love her.

 

[finch1476]

There is a 99.9 percent chance she would never find out since I have separated myself from the group I was involved with and the fact they would know better not to say anything, I wasn't the only one who acted inappropriately. Basically we all agreed never to say anything or bring up that night ever, even with each other as i think we are all ashamed. She knows we went to the strip club just not the details. I was the only one who told their significant other that we did that.

 

[Bonairos]

" . . . very ashamed of what I did at my friends bachelor party 5 months ago." " . . . My wife and I have both committed our lives to Christ a month ago . . ."

Here's another option (IMO), Whatever happened prior to receiving Christ is just that, before Christ (BC).

I'm sure there were other things BC that you are ashamed of, yet (perhaps) not compelled to "make right" with your wife.

If you're struggling with this (incident), why not sit down with your wife and talk about this "new" life you both have in Christ and how things are now different (for you, for her, for both of you).

Somewhere in the conversation you could (as you did with Christ) ask for forgiveness for anything and everything you've done prior to receiving Him. You need not name every sin (how could we?) but lump all of it (with sincerity) in asking forgiveness. After all, you (and her) are now new creations in Christ!

What happened - happened, we cannot change any of it. However, (as you have done) we can let Christ change the person who commited such acts.

You'll not only feel better, but you'll be establishing the fact that you are not the same person, your marriage is not the same marriage, and all that was done by BOTH of you (BC) is now under His blood (of forgiveness) and need not be brought up again. You both have new lives.

For what it's worth.


Be blessed, Stay blessed, and be Bold!

 

[Mike]

I would still advise not telling her, but if she does come to you at a later date with the "So and so told me, what's going on", then you can tell her that you kept the news from her simply because you didn't want to burden her with your bad behavior and you can also have your pastor councel her and verify that this was your reason for not telling her.

This is an excellent way of avoiding the mere impression that you didn't have remorse while avoiding having to hurt her. Fantastic advice!

If you're struggling with this (incident), why not sit down with your wife and talk about this "new" life you both have in Christ and how things are now different (for you, for her, for both of you).

Somewhere in the conversation you could (as you did with Christ) ask for forgiveness for anything and everything you've done prior to receiving Him. You need not name every sin (how could we?) but lump all of it (with sincerity) in asking forgiveness. After all, you (and her) are now new creations in Christ!

Wow! You've outdone yourself with this advice! Fantastic!! Brother, this is beyond wise!

Finch, these two have offered what I believe are amazing routes for you to take. I believe I was guilty of taking a narrow view of how to handle this, and I believe here, you have some advice to truly pray on. It's my prayer that you will come to forgive yourself as God has already forgiven you. Pray that He softens your heart unto yourself; that you live like the forgiven child you are.

 

[Danus]

George Burns told a story about cheating on his wife once during their marriage.

He kept it to himself, but he felt so bad that he bought Gracie a beautiful diamond bracelet.

Finally, after several years had gone by, he confessed to Gracie about his indiscretion.

She said, “I know. I was hoping you’d do it again. I wanted a ring to match.”

Sorry I've had a couple of beers

 

[finch1476]

WOW, This is great advise! Thanks to all. This forum rocks! God bless to you all