In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite sex?

[Jethro Bodine]

For a married person, what do you say determines that a personal on line relationship with someone of the opposite sex is inappropriate?

The secrecy of it? The things they are talking about? What?

Should married people even have personal on line relationships with the opposite sex?

 

[reba]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

If one is keeping any kind of a relationship secret from the spouse there is trouble.

Age has something to do with some stuff. Some of our friends are widowed...
Our friends Bob/Sharon or John/Inge are welcome in this home, as couples or at separate times. There is no secrets and no hankypanky....

It depends on the people, secrets from the spouse are never a good thing....

 

[handy]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

I agree that once secrecy becomes involved, lines are being crossed.

Steve doesn't do much on the internet... but I do. And, here and on fb, I have several male friends that I have conversations with. I never delete the history of these conversations, I almost always mention them to Steve and he's welcome to read over my history anytime he wants. He knows my passwords to anyplace that I would have private messages on.

It would also be inappropriate if one spouse states that he/she is uncomfortable with their spouse sharing private messages with people of the opposite sex and the response is to go ahead and do it anyway. Unless both spouses are OK with it, it's not OK.

 

[joethemechanic]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

I've seen too much cheating and broken relationships come from it. It seems like there is always a secret friend or a secret conversation involved

 

[Jethro Bodine]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

It would also be inappropriate if one spouse states that he/she is uncomfortable with their spouse sharing private messages with people of the opposite sex and the response is to go ahead and do it anyway. Unless both spouses are OK with it, it's not OK.

"..in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you..." (Matt. 7:12 NIV1984)

This isn't just the number one rule for Christian behavior. This is the number one rule for marriage. Your marriage is doomed if it's all about struggling for one's rights and freedoms. Don't you agree?

(PM me...let's talk about it....kidding! )

 

[Jethro Bodine]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

I've seen too much cheating and broken relationships come from it. It seems like there is always a secret friend or a secret conversation involved

It seems to always start that way, doesn't it?

Why do people think they are above the temptations of "food eaten in secret" (somewhere in Proverbs...google it).

 

[Jethro Bodine]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

It depends on the people, secrets from the spouse are never a good thing....

I agree that purposeful secrecy is a bad, bad sign. IMO, just taking advantage of your spouse simply not being in the loop of who you know on line should be examined as to whether it is appropriate or not.

What about the content of what is talked about? I figure if you'd be sweating bullets if your spouse could suddenly see what you just sent someone of the opposite sex...you're in an inappropriate relationship.

 

[23Psalm]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

I was guilty of having ongoing online relationships with women and I kept it a secret for years until my wife found out. The Holy Spirit showed her a vision and it was dead on accurate. When she approached me, I couldn't even deny it because it was so clear. She always suspected it because she never had access to my emails, iPhone passwords, etc. I always kept my phone on silent or vibrate . . . and it really damaged my marriage.

The marriage is doomed and on the verge of falling apart because there is no trust on her part. However, I have given her full access of everything in an effort to correct my hidden sin from her. A bit of advice, don't keep anything from your spouse.

I have never been a fan of having friends of the opposite sex. I would get angry if she had male friends, because for some reason, men are sneaky (both saved and unsaved). Not all, but some men have used Jesus to steal another man's wife or start something inappropriate. However, if the two of you agree to have an open book and are able to read what is discussed between the opposite sex, then so be it. I paid a serious price and the secrecy isn't worth it.

 

[24Fanatic]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

The number one rule between my wife and myself is absolutely zero secrets. Secrets only destroy trust, and cause questions and doubt. Both of us are on Facebook quite a bit, and both of us have friends on there of the opposite sex. Every female friend I have on FB is either my wife's friend, or is related to one of my wife's friends. Basically, everything I post ends up on her wall. If I couldn't say it to that person face to face with my wife standing right next to me, I don't post it. And if I ever turned my brain off long enough to do so, they would immediately send her a PM to tell her how dumb I am.

Basically, all of my female friends are closer friends with my wife than they are with me, and the same goes for her male friends. This is a good rule of thumb not only for the interwebs, but in the real world, as well. It's worked phenomenally for us for 14 years and counting.

 

[Jethro Bodine]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

Well, I brought this up because I caught my wife having an inappropriate relationship with a man in her FB email. She showed me the email that I saw she had open on the computer when I came into the room. It's definitely inappropriate on the other man's half. He made it very clear what his feelings are for her.

The question is how did it even get as far as it did. She said she knows where he's at in his marriage and it leaves me wondering how they ever got that involved and to what extent she has been inappropriate, too.

I feel like I just need to ask her to let me sit down and read through all the emails to know for myself the full truth about the extent of her personal involvement. Am I entitled to ask that? What do you think?

 

[handy]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

You're entitled to ask.... in a marriage either spouse is entitled to ask just about anything of the other spouse and especially in a case like this.

It will be interesting to see what her reaction to the question will be. It should be that she says sure, absolutely, no problem at all... It will be interesting also to see if she's deleted the history of the conversations.

Jethro, I'm going to be very frank here... Your marriage is seriously flawed. When it gets to a point that a husband and wife are no more, nor no less than roommates as opposed to life partners, there some deeply seated things that won't heal without some hard work on both parts.

She denies you sexually... a foundation of marriage and God's way of uniting two into one and now it looks as if she is seeking emotional affection from another man...and any woman will tell you, an emotional affair for a woman is every bit an affair as a sexual one is. While it's possible that she hasn't violated the letter of Matthew 19, she has certainly violated the principle of it.

I think you should ask her and use the resulting conversation to clarify your marriage with her, what she is thinking about doing and I would definitely ask her if she's had any sexual affairs either.

I admire you for what you've put up with so far, but you really need to make some hard decisions about this marriage of yours. Perhaps the simple act of asking her to show you her fb history with this guy will prompt some action on both your parts.

 

[Jethro Bodine]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

You're entitled to ask.... in a marriage either spouse is entitled to ask just about anything of the other spouse and especially in a case like this.

It will be interesting to see what her reaction to the question will be. It should be that she says sure, absolutely, no problem at all... It will be interesting also to see if she's deleted the history of the conversations.

She let me read the last few the other day. That's how I knew that something was going on in the first place. She did let me read them all the way through today. I don't know anything about FB, but it doesn't look like there are any holes where messages got deleted. It started out as two people talking about their lives and culminating in him making his feelings of attraction openly known to her. That's where I stumbled in.

So up to that point she was not being inappropriate. Very foolish, but not inappropriate.

Jethro, I'm going to be very frank here... Your marriage is seriously flawed. When it gets to a point that a husband and wife are no more, nor no less than roommates as opposed to life partners, there some deeply seated things that won't heal without some hard work on both parts.

And this brought those problems to the surface once again.

She denies you sexually... a foundation of marriage and God's way of uniting two into one and now it looks as if she is seeking emotional affection from another man...and any woman will tell you, an emotional affair for a woman is every bit an affair as a sexual one is. While it's possible that she hasn't violated the letter of Matthew 19, she has certainly violated the principle of it.

And that's one thing I've never been able to make her see. She figured as long as she not actually divorcing she's not doing anything wrong.

I think you should ask her and use the resulting conversation to clarify your marriage with her, what she is thinking about doing...

I did that. I told her I really needed some kind of resolution as to what I could expect as an outcome of our situation. She said she really hadn't thought about it one way or the other, but that she was still where she was at the last time we talked about 3 years ago that she would rather have a divorce--just hadn't explored it.

...and I would definitely ask her if she's had any sexual affairs either.

Honestly, probably not necessary. It would just inflame the situation. One of the things she does not like is my mistrust of her. Inquiring about things like this just sets her off.

I admire you for what you've put up with so far, but you really need to make some hard decisions about this marriage of yours. Perhaps the simple act of asking her to show you her fb history with this guy will prompt some action on both your parts.

It did. We're going to divorce.

 

[handy]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

Well, Jethro, I am very sorry for you and the break up of your marriage. I can tell from what you've shared ever since coming to this site that you truly tried your best to work things out.

However, marriage takes two people committed to it... it just can't happen with one. Perhaps God can get through to her and help her realize what she is giving up... but unless she opens herself to God and you, there is really nothing more that you can do in this situation.

 

[Chris.]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

For a married person, what do you say determines that a personal on line relationship with someone of the opposite sex is inappropriate?

The secrecy of it? The things they are talking about? What?

Should married people even have personal on line relationships with the opposite sex?

I think flirting is something we all do and in many ways it is harmless. If it gives way to desire for someone else and fantasies concerning the other person you have crossed the line.

Sticky keyboards,and you defiantly have.

I have heaps of friends that are girls online, I have for years. They are my friends nothing more and I value the chance to have a relationship with a girl as a friend only.


The rule that makes it possible is my wife can walk up to the computer anytime and see whats going on. No secrets.

 

[Jethro Bodine]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

I appreciate your sympathy. I really do.

We had an understanding that we would not have relationships with the opposite sex on line. But she told me that two weeks ago she decided that since we didn't have a relationship anymore that she could go ahead and email men she was corresponding with on her FB wall. Well, it didn't take long for that to be a source of inappropriate correspondence, did it? It's almost funny how soon that happened.

The bottom line was, with the revelation of her having secret correspondence on FB I knew there was no way I could stay in the marriage and quietly endure her abandonment while she gets deeper and deeper in trouble on line. I had to confront her. I was enduring things mostly for the sake of our Down's Syndrome son who is now 18, and I really did hope she would come around some day and things could change. But I see there is no way I can do that any longer with her having made a decision that she is free to correspond in secret with men on line, no matter how much she claims she would not fall into a relationship that way. It was time to draw the line. And I asked her what she wanted to do. She said her deeply held grudges against me were beyond repair and that there was no hope.

 

[Pizzaguy]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

I'm so sorry Jethro. Really I am.

While we can (and I think will) all pray for you, I am not encouraged from what I have read.

I hate to see marriages end. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Chris.]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

I appreciate your sympathy. I really do.

We had an understanding that we would not have relationships with the opposite sex on line. But she told me that two weeks ago she decided that since we didn't have a relationship anymore that she could go ahead and email men she was corresponding with on her FB wall. Well, it didn't take long for that to be a source of inappropriate correspondence, did it? It's almost funny how soon that happened.

The bottom line was, with the revelation of her having secret correspondence on FB I knew there was no way I could stay in the marriage and quietly endure her abandonment while she gets deeper and deeper in trouble on line. I had to confront her. I was enduring things mostly for the sake of our Down's Syndrome son who is now 18, and I really did hope she would come around some day and things could change. But I see there is no way I can do that any longer with her having made a decision that she is free to correspond in secret with men on line, no matter how much she claims she would not fall into a relationship that way. It was time to draw the line. And I asked her what she wanted to do. She said her deeply held grudges against me were beyond repair and that there was no hope.

Honesty time from me. I am no angel of goodness and am not totally innocent. Its all tantalising until you need to live with guilt and shame.

Maybe your wife will learn this lesson eventually. Online relationships have the advantage of us glamorising the other person with our fantasias. As soon as you work that out it all gets boring.

Its all tantalising until you do.

maybe your wife needs to work that out.

This online thing is so plastic and artificial.


Hope things work out for you mate.

 

[Jethro Bodine]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

The rule that makes it possible is my wife can walk up to the computer anytime and see whats going on. No secrets.

She definitely had not given me that liberty. What exposed all this was I walked up while she was on the computer just as she switched from the FB tab to another tab. It looked so obvious to me that she had done that to purposely conceal what she had been looking at (though she vehemently denies it). So I plopped down right next to her and looked at the tab. When I saw Steve so-and-so I was shocked.

I went away for a while and prayed for wisdom on how to approach this because I knew I could not let this fester and wonder about it but had to know if there was something to it or not. So, a few hours later I asked her outright if she was having an inappropriate relationship. She said no, and technically, she was not lying, but then at my insistence at seeing the email, I learned he had just taken it into the inappropriate stage. Though technically she hadn't done anything wrong I knew there was no way I could allow this to happen while I patiently endure her complete rejection of our marriage. I felt it was time to nail her down to a direction to take our situation. So after some lengthy talks she decided there was no way she could change the way she felt about things and wanted to divorce.

 

[Jethro Bodine]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

I'm so sorry Jethro. Really I am.

While we can (and I think will) all pray for you, I am not encouraged from what I have read.

I hate to see marriages end. My heart goes out to you.

And I believe that you know exactly how I need to be prayed for right now. I would appreciate that prayer for sure. Thank you.

 

[Pizzaguy]

Re: In marriage what constitutes an inappropriate online relationship with opposite s

And I believe that you know exactly how I need to be prayed for right now. I would appreciate that prayer for sure. Thank you.

Been there.

I do.

I will.