Is it wrong if it doesn't work out?

[currentlyconfused]

My husband and I have been having issues for a while. I just feel like I've fallen out of love with him. It just feels like hes only a friend. Just a 'person I live with'. We have finally brought all this out in the open. Alot of it goes back to first being married and me feeling neglected by him for so long while he played on his computer non-stop. I'm finally at the point of where I'm just over it and I think my heart is hardened. I haven't been attracted to him in quite some time. I feel so horrible, but I also feel it has to do with him being overweight. I wish that wasn't an issue to me. I also feel like I got married too young. He is 8.5 years older than me. We got married when I was 18. I feel like I went from being a kid to being a wife (well, I did) and never got to have fun as a young adult. I'm not talking about crazy parties and stuff, cause I don't drink or do clubs and that whole scene. But I just like staying up late, going for Taco Bell runs at 2am, playing video games with friends. My husband on the other hand doesn't wanna do anything like that. I'm only 25 now and he is 34. We have a 3 yr old son and hes wanting another, but I'm not ready. I feel like I'm still young and have lots of time, but hes worried about being too old if we wait. I just feel like I have grown up SO much since being 18 and my views are different now. If we wouldn't have got married then I don't really think I would've ever married him now. I know I'd pick someone totally different. He had time to figure out who he was and I didn't know who I was when I was 18. I also think we partly got married so we wouldn't live in sin. We had sex a few times before being married and knew it was wrong - we wanted to make it right and not live in sin so we got married and even moved up the wedding 2 months.
He wants to work things out. Hes begging me to, but I just don't feel connected with him anymore. I'm not attracted to him at all. Hes never been the romantic type and thats what I've always needed. He says he'll try, but I just don't feel for him like that anymore.
I am willing to try, but I just don't feel like its gonna work. Is it wrong for me to think this way? I feel horrible, but I feel more like hes a 'brother' than a 'husband'.
Help please!

 

[Kelli]

I am sorry, I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear. I know it's hard, but once you have a child, your life is over as you know it. You can lie to yourself and tell yourself your child will be fine, but you will be wrong. I was a foster mom for many years, I don't care what you say, it damages your sweet baby.

Our mind is what Satan attacks, you need to capture the negative thoughts about your husband, and remember the good things about him. Stop yourself from thinking negative thoughts. When your mind starts to go there, think of the good things about him. Think about how he takes care of you and your child.

I promise being single IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS. You see yourself in your own apartment, having friends over for dinner, driving in your own car, with your own money, new clothes. Ask single mom's how it is being a single mom. You don't have any money, you don't have any time, you don't have new clothes. The grass is not greener on the other side.

Happiness is a choice. You don't need to rearrange your life, you need to rearrange you mind. I am begging you for the sake of your child don't do it. No other man can love your child like your husband does and you are fooling yourself if you think they will.

Love, Kelli

 

[Timf]

I just feel like I have grown up SO much

One of the biggest lies Satan has going is the idea of "falling in love". He has shaped society to confuse desire, attraction, lust, and anticipation with the idea of love. What people find out is that something new seems exciting for six months and then the excitement fades. They end up moving from one failed relationship to another. There is even a country and western song where a middle aged man tells a middle aged women that he is even willing to tell her that he loves her if it will make their meaningless physical one night stand more tolerable for her.

In 1 Corinthians 13 is the definition of love and it is essentially selflessness. If you and your husband are Christians, you both could use an introduction to this concept of real, self-sacrificing, Biblical love. Jesus showed us this when he died for the sins of the whole world.

Only Jesus can change the natural selfish human heart to one that seeks the best for others. The core of all marital problems is selfishness. If your husband was a better example of selflessness, he might have been able to help you learn this essential ingredient in a marriage.

The solution to this problem is not necessarily counseling or church. Often counseling is pop-psychology mixed with a type of "horse-trading negotiation and churches often focus on classes, events, programs, and procedures. What you both need is to cling to Jesus as a drowning man grasps at a straw.

In our delayed adolescence, consumer society, most people feel that life is unsatisfying because they don't have enough choices or diversions. The real problem is that there is a spectrum of life with pain and suffering at one end and happiness and fulfillment at the other. The middle is boredom. There is no way to get past boredom without losing self. People who reach boredom and still seek after self find that they will chose some diversion that ends up bringing either more boredom or takes them back to pain and suffering.

At present you see no hope for your marriage and consideration of an alternative seems more and more attractive. You know at some level that the grass is really not greener, but the attraction of doing something will grow unless you find a way to make your marriage work.

What you and your husband need to do is find an older wiser Christian couple who show the light and love of Jesus in their lives and ask them to help you know Jesus like they do so that you can also have this deeper love.

 

[heather]

These are all spot on.

I was 18 when I married too. And sometimes I realize that my husband now is not the man that I married then. But I have to remember that I am not the woman he married then, either.

Kelli is right. You make the choice by what is put into your head. I urge you to open your heart to God and pray about it. God did not design marriage to fail, but to edify each other. He also intended for us to lean on Him when we have problems, not our own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

God placed you in this marriage, and He will see you through it. You must, however, lean not on what is in your head, but rather on what God is doing for you. Acknowledge Him, and He will open many doors for you that you could not ever dream of being open.

 

[lovely]

cc,

It is wrong if it doesn't work out, especially when he is willing to try. I don't think that you are seeing things in a realistic way. Do everything in your power to avoid causing your family pain. Honor and love your husband, and put him first in your heart again. I would start by thanking God for everything about him, and setting your mind on things the things in Philippians 4. Do not let lies and deceit have a place in your mind.

Philippians 4
4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in meâ€â€practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Oh, and you said, "I'm finally at the point of where I'm just over it and I think my heart is hardened. I haven't been attracted to him in quite some time." Listen, deception is what hardens hearts, and you seem to be repeating a lot of the lies satan deceives women with to entice them from their homes...he is seeking to kill and destroy. Hear the Truth, God does not want you to divorce, and especially not so that you can seek a life that you 'think' is better...in reality it's not. We did not marry perfect people, and we have to remember to love them even when we are faced with their faults. It is up to you to love him, and the attraction will follow just like it disappeared once he no longer had your heart. Turn you heart back to your husband and love him, and then you will once again have the desire to express it.

The Lord bless you, and I have prayed for your family this evening.

 

[follower of Christ]

I'm only 25 now and he is 34.

My wife is turning 26 this month....Ill be 44 in 5 months. We get along so well that we love being around each other every waking moment. Age isnt that big a factor. Compatibility is much more important.

I feel so horrible, but I also feel it has to do with him being overweight. I wish that wasn't an issue to me.

Well, its hard to not see the weight. Especially if youre already having marital troubles. Is this something that can be worked on ?

But I just like staying up late, going for Taco Bell runs at 2am, playing video games with friends.

This is likely where some of the issue lies. Regardless of age, some folks dont like to be up and running at 2am. Even if you both were the same age there can be differences between you that cause these issues.
My ex wife and I were only two years apart. She liked to run wild, I am a home body and was even in my 20s. It was a source of many problems in our marriage.

I know I'd pick someone totally different.

In what way ?
Wouldnt you want stability and godliness in spouse even if he was the same age ?
I understand youre young, sister, but one thing about young folks is they want one thing, but those that get it eventually figure out that it wasnt the best thing for them.

For instance, young women many times like to have an exciting young man whom they can tame. They dont get it till a few beatings, some cheating and being abandoned with 3 kids that these types of guys dont want to be tamed. They are spoiled little kids that never grow up and in the end are entirely useless to a good woman.
Certainly they're a bit of fun or a while, but sister, you WILL get older and when you do the stability will be something you have learned to appreciate.

Hes never been the romantic type and thats what I've always needed. He says he'll try, but I just don't feel for him like that anymore.

Then hes not fulfilling your needs emotionally. That is something he needs to start taking very seriously.

I am willing to try, but I just don't feel like its gonna work. Is it wrong for me to think this way? I feel horrible, but I feel more like hes a 'brother' than a 'husband'.

You feel how you feel now. Whether its right or wrong isnt really the issue. What can be done to change it is more important. Obviously this begins with your husband being a HUSBAND And you being willing to work with him and soften your heart towards him if he does.

 

[tweety1]

You are doing the same thing so many others do. THE GRASS IS NEVER GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE!!! This is the best advice I ever recieved and if I had only listened I would have saved myself years of grief. You are young and feel trapped, you feel like you are missing out on life and experiences. But the truth is 5 years from now if you walk out you are going to be praying for exactly what you have now and it will be to late! You are exactly where god wants you and the reason you feel horrible is because you know it is wrong. Please do not take offense to my words I do not mean to be judgemental. I am very passionate about this subject because I would do anything to save anyone from the hell I caused myself, my ex, and my children. I beg you to refocuse on your husband and family. You really do have it all. So many people would love to be married to their "FRIEND", I was married to my best friend and left him. I am now living a nightmare with my worst enemy, a punishment well deserved after how selfish I was. Sister with all my love you and your family are in my prayers, I beg you to listen to your gut and stay right where God has put you. If you want to talk please PM me I will listen, really I am a good listener and I want to help you.