Is she normal or a brat?

[Nikki]

My 14 year old daughter is driving me crazy. We are so much alike that we constantly butt heads. I've been TRYING my hardest to ignore her when she acts up, but we are both strong willed and opinionated which usually results in a yelling match between the two of us.

I don't consider my kids spoiled at all....but they sure do act like it! They don't have all the materialistic stuff that their friends have, I thrift shop for their clothes, they don't have personal computers, we don't go out to eat often, etc. Yet, when my 14 year old doesn't get to do something that she wants to do (for instance she wants friends to spend the night tonight and I said "no"), she will literally throw a temper tantrum. I'm taking tears and ALL. Today I could hear her all the way outside. She was screaming and crying "It's not fair! I ruin everything! I hate myself!" and stomping in her room all because she can't have a sleepover this weekend!!! Are her hormones causing her to act like this or is something wrong with her?! I used to spank her and then ground her, but I had to stop spanking her because I'm honestly afraid I would end up really beating her because she would make me so mad.

What do I do? Everyone tells me to ignore her, but oh...that is SO hard for me to do. I just need to know if this is normal behavior or if something is wrong with her. I honestly think she enjoys doing it to make me mad. She can control her anger around others, but when it's just she and I, she lets it all out. Don't tell me to take things away. I do that ALL the time. I've even taken her door off the hinges several times for slamming it. Once her door was gone and I had gutted her entire room except for her bed and dresser for a month.

Also, at age 14, do your kids do something every single weekend with their friends?

 

[reba]

Could you offer an alternative instead of no?

allow one friend
offer skating
Not this week end but lets plan for next..

When your child's friend are at your home you know more of what they are doing....

 

[Nikki]

Could you offer an alternative instead of no?

allow one friend
offer skating
Not this week end but lets plan for next..

When your child's friend are at your home you know more of what they are doing....

Kids are ALWAYS at my house which I realize is a good thing, but some weekends I just don't want extra kids here. Plus, my dd is making D's in FOUR of her classes at school and she's supposed to be grounded. She said she's been grounded "forever". Yeah, she has been grounded for 3 weeks but the rule is that she stays grounded until her grades come up. Yet, she for some reason can't get this through her thick skull!

I know I shouldn't compare my kids, but my 12 year old gives me no arguments when I tell her no over something she wants to do. None. She'll sound upset, but she quickly gets over it. Why does my older child throw such fits? honestly don't see how I'm going to make it through the next several years.

 

[thethinkingrebel]

My 14 year old daughter is driving me crazy. We are so much alike that we constantly butt heads. I've been TRYING my hardest to ignore her when she acts up, but we are both strong willed and opinionated which usually results in a yelling match between the two of us.

I don't consider my kids spoiled at all....but they sure do act like it! They don't have all the materialistic stuff that their friends have, I thrift shop for their clothes, they don't have personal computers, we don't go out to eat often, etc. Yet, when my 14 year old doesn't get to do something that she wants to do (for instance she wants friends to spend the night tonight and I said "no"), she will literally throw a temper tantrum. I'm taking tears and ALL. Today I could hear her all the way outside. She was screaming and crying "It's not fair! I ruin everything! I hate myself!" and stomping in her room all because she can't have a sleepover this weekend!!! Are her hormones causing her to act like this or is something wrong with her?! I used to spank her and then ground her, but I had to stop spanking her because I'm honestly afraid I would end up really beating her because she would make me so mad.

What do I do? Everyone tells me to ignore her, but oh...that is SO hard for me to do. I just need to know if this is normal behavior or if something is wrong with her. I honestly think she enjoys doing it to make me mad. She can control her anger around others, but when it's just she and I, she lets it all out. Don't tell me to take things away. I do that ALL the time. I've even taken her door off the hinges several times for slamming it. Once her door was gone and I had gutted her entire room except for her bed and dresser for a month.

Also, at age 14, do your kids do something every single weekend with their friends?

Okay, I dont have kids, but considering how little she has that everyone else has. She seems caught between two worlds. She probably is quite insecure, you as father are head of the family and as such are the focus for her anger. As you have noticed, her behaviour seems excessive. You are raising her in a christian household in a world that is against christian values. Its probably confusing for her to see her friends be allowed to do things that she cant.


I would say respect her. Have some give and take. Let her have all-girl sleepovers, its what girls do. Set some ground rules of course. But treat her as an adult, thats obviously how she wants to be treated. Plus, some things many parents dont understand. Be short, sharp and to the point. Dont rake up old coals. If she cant have a sleepover, say "Not tonight, but you can tomorrow", she will say "why not tonight?"..and be honest!

The problem with parents is a simple request turns into a half hour-hour lecture. Someone young doesnt need that, thats why shes going nuts I'll bet. I'm 25 and any expression of my opinion has to result in debate and it drives me nuts.

She doesnt want to be spoiled, she wants to be respected, just treat her with it and trust me, all will be fine.

Yes at weekends 14 year olds are ALWAYS doing something, whether it be out with friends, visits to the mall, cinema, bowling, or sleepovers, parties. The last thing you want in a child is a social recluse, it really could scar them for life, they need social interaction with people their own age. Lets not forget that in Jesus' time 12 year old girls were being married off! That should not be the case here but at 14 she wants a life of her own. Frankly, she will only grow to resent you if you dont let her do her own thing, obviously within reason.

 

[thethinkingrebel]

Kids are ALWAYS at my house which I realize is a good thing, but some weekends I just don't want extra kids here. Plus, my dd is making D's in FOUR of her classes at school and she's supposed to be grounded. She said she's been grounded "forever". Yeah, she has been grounded for 3 weeks but the rule is that she stays grounded until her grades come up. Yet, she for some reason can't get this through her thick skull!

I know I shouldn't compare my kids, but my 12 year old gives me no arguments when I tell her no over something she wants to do. None. She'll sound upset, but she quickly gets over it. Why does my older child throw such fits? honestly don't see how I'm going to make it through the next several years.

Kids want respect. The media tells them they are the most important people on the planet. All their TV heroes are rude and insolent..its a kind of cognitive dissonance, amplify that with hormones, puberty and school, its kind of pandora's box of emotion.

 

[handy]

Yes she's normal.

Unfortunately, my experience with 14 year old girls (including my own dearly beloved daughter) is normal=brat.

Viola does the same thing. Another lovely habit of her's is this: I'll be doing the dishes, cooking supper, running the laundry machine. I'll have Thomas pick up the living room and tidy the dining room and get it ready for supper.

I'll ask Viola to set the table and she'll say, 'WHY DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING!!!'

Garrr...

I know from what I observed with my 5 nieces as well as several young girls I watched grow up, that they sort of move beyond this aggravating attitude and by about 16 or so, if you stick to your guns and don't give in, they become tolerable again.

If the sleep over is inconvenient to you for this weekend, so be it. I've had Viola throw fits in the past for the exact same reason. The response was, "Keep it up and not only will you not have the sleep over, you'll be grounded to your room."

Hang in there, Nikki... sounds like all is pretty normal. Frustrating, but it really should get better.

(It will just take a couple more years.)

 

[Nikki]

The problem with parents is a simple request turns into a half hour-hour lecture. Someone young doesnt need that, thats why shes going nuts I'll bet.

I'll admit that I do have a tendency to go on and on. That in turn just causes us to go back and forth. I'm always kicking myself after an argument because I realize that I've just sat and argued with my own kid. I'm not perfect and I will never claim to be. UGH. Parenting is so hard!!!

Btw...I'm the mom. lol

 

[reba]

Had my parents trusted me we all would have been sorry.

Not so with my sister.

Not all kids are the same but 14 year old girls come close....

 

[Hitch]

I strongly urge you to adopt a laconic approach.

And I, for one, am strongly in favor of removing the door to the kid's room.

 

[reba]

Definition of LACONIC

: using or involving the use of a minimum of words : concise to the point of seeming rude or mysterious


No Laconic is not a new user name for hitch! :toofunny

 

[Chris]

Nikki I have no experience with children over 11 I have 2 girls 8 and 11.

When I read your problem the words of a guy I know came to mind who has 4 kids that are adults now.

He used to tell me the kids are good till 13 then after that you want to get rid of them for a while. I think like you i have a rocky road ahead.

 

[phantom309]

I know from what I observed with my 5 nieces as well as several young girls I watched grow up, that they sort of move beyond this aggravating attitude and by about 16 or so, if you stick to your guns and don't give in, they become tolerable again.

If the sleep over is inconvenient to you for this weekend, so be it. I've had Viola throw fits in the past for the exact same reason. The response was, "Keep it up and not only will you not have the sleep over, you'll be grounded to your room."

I agree with Handys method.

I wouldnt tolerate a kid talking back very much at all,especially the yelling.If allowed to over time,they start to develop a disrespect for authority in general and stat to get that above the law attitude.

Kids of course will act up and throw fits,dont get me wrong..but when they do they need to learn it has consequences.Giving in or treating them with respect just sends them the message that its ok and that they get their way when they do.

Were already starting to see some of the talk-back with my wifes 13 y/o daughter.She will talk back to mom in a hurry,because my wife is very laid back and believes in the hands-off easy going approach.If she makes more than a few remarks I step in and it shuts down pretty quick..she knows that I dont tolerate it,and that she will wind up in trouble in a hurry.

Like Handy said,stick to your guns and show em whos boss.The more they talk back the more trouble they get.Yelling=scrubbing.

 

[Chris]

There is the passive approach to discipline we use and it is very effective where you be calm.

naughty = no tech. iPods , TV, computers all replaced with silence, homework or book reading till behavior starts. With kids these days tech is their life support system.

 

[Nikki]

Y'all pray for me because I'm about to make my dd sleep in the chicken coop tonight! Picked her up from the bus stop and she was all smiles. She's wanting to try out for the 9th grade cheer team (she'll be in 9th this summer/fall) and they have a parent meeting tonight at the high school. When I told her she had to go, she did a Jeckyl/Hyde! She doesn't want to go to the meeting, so I told her "No meeting, no trying out for the team". She got a huge attitude, then got to the point that she started crying and carrying on. I just sent her to her room and if I hear her stomp her feet against the floor one more time, I'm going to go up there and hog tie her!

 

[handy]

It would be nice if we could send them away for ...say... about 4 years!

Hang in there, Nikki... the Jeckyl/Hyde routine is pretty normal too.

 

[Nikki]

It would be nice if we could send them away for ...say... about 4 years!

Hang in there, Nikki... the Jeckyl/Hyde routine is pretty normal too.

I get to send both of mine away this entire weekend! They're going on a retreat with church....it's called Radiant Girls and it's just for the teen girls at the camp. DH is working and one night after work, he's going to a concert, so I'm going to get lots of alone time. I desperately need that!