Let me tell you what my 12 year old turd did...

[Nikki]

Just last week I replied in another thread saying teens couldn't be trusted. My 12 year old proved me to that this past weekend. Grrrr...

We live in a small town and have a Spring festival each year. I took her, my 14 year old and their 13 year old friend and we met up with my best friend. As usual, we see people around every corner and at every booth that we know. The girls kept passing large groups of friends that were hanging out, riding rides, etc together without parents. They kept asking if they could go off with their friends for a while. I let my guard down and told them that they HAD to stay together as a group and that if their friends split up then they were to text or call me and meet back up with me. My oldest will be starting high school this year so I figured I would give her a little freedom.The festival takes up about 4 blocks in town so they can't go far. They got their ride tickets and they and all their friends headed for the rides.

They were gone for about 45 minutes and my best friend said she was going to be leaving soon so I called my 14 year old and told her that Kelly was leaving and for them to meet me at the park because we were going to be leaving too. She said "C just took off with Trevor to go ride a ride! I told her you would be mad and she would get in trouble but she said she didn't care!". Oooohhhh....I about blew up right there in front of everyone. I hung up, called my 12 year old and said "WHERE ARE YOU?!". She didn't bother trying to lie. She was honest and said "Me and Trevor are waiting in line to ride this ride" like it was no big deal. I started yelling at her "YOU KNEW THE RULE WAS TO STAY AS A GROUP!!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT TREVOR KID!!!....". I was fuming. I told her she had 30 seconds to get where I was at the park. She was there in a flash and looked scared to death. I was so angry with her! This Trevor kid is a boy she likes and I know nothing about him, who his family is, etc. I was stalking his FB page one day when I was logged in as my daughter (that's the rule in our house....I have their passwords and I log in several times a week) and he's got all this stuff about "I love Jesus", bible verses, etc. but then in another breath, he's cussing up a storm. I know, he's probably the typical 12/13 year old boy trying to be cool, but still. I didn't like that language I was seeing.

So, she's in a LOT of trouble. I told her that she's ruined ever being able to go as a group even if it's with her sister. I have parental controls on their phones, so I've locked all the stuff on her phone (she can only call me, her dad, her sister or my mom), her tv privleges are gone, she's not allowed to play with her bff that lives behind us, etc.

I always thought my oldest daughter would be the death of me, but the tables have turned since the youngest started middle school and I have a feeling she's going to be a handful. I had to remind her that she's got the rest of her life to worry about boys and growing up and that she's only a 12 year old child right now.

*sigh* I hate this age because you want to give them a little freedom, but just how much you give them is so unclear. Then she had to ruin it the FIRST TIME I gave her some freedom. UGH!

 

[handy]

Yeah... how much freedom to give... how much to trust them...

It's a hard, hard call!

I would say.. as someone who's been dealing with this for a while now.. is to take a bit to really consider the consequences before stating them.

And believe me, Nikki, I say this because I have a tendency to blow up and start shouting all kinds of things... and then when I have to go back and change it... I lose just a little bit of credibility each time. In this, I freely admit, I use my husband... I'll say that "I know I said, but Daddy over-rode me on this one..." Serves a dual purpose of getting me off the hook for making a rash consequence and letting daddy be the good guy for once.

Specifically what I'm thinking about is telling her that she's "ruined ever being able to go as a group even if it's with her sister"...

You have 6 long years before she's 18... do you really want to have to personally chaperone her for every group event for the next 6 years?

And, is that even healthy? Do you want her to go off on her own at 18, never having the experience of being out from under her mom or dad's eye?

As for the ban on tv and phone etc.. yep, we take these things away and then they have to earn them back... so far, with Viola's flagrant foul, she hasn't earned her phone back yet...

But, hey... I know how hard it is... We've got 6 years as well, because Thomas is 12 too... and he is definitely beginning to notice the girls.

And, in spite of certain recent behaviors of Viola's... Thomas has always been the one who is in trouble for what he does (Viola tends to get in trouble for her mouth)... and he's pretty sneaky as well. Not to mention the fact that he can look me straight in the eye, tears glistening, catch in the throat, telling me of his innocence... when he's guilty as sin... Hoo boy, not looking forward to his teen years at all.

I'll pray for wisdom and discretion for you...

 

[Nikki]

You have 6 long years before she's 18... do you really want to have to personally chaperone her for every group event for the next 6 years?

This made me lol...I envisioned myself chaperoning her to her senior prom. LOL!

We have since talked. I failed to include that. I told her it's going to be harder for me to trust her now and she'll have to earn it back but it will take a while. She thinks she can do everything that her sister does and that's always been the case, but now that K is going into high school, she's going to be doing a lot more things (football games, after school activities, maybe getting a part time job, cheerleading if she makes it, etc) and C won't be able to tag along anymore. It's time for them to learn to do things separately and I have to keep reminding C that her sister is almost 2 years older than her.

 

[handy]

This made me lol...I envisioned myself chaperoning her to her senior prom. LOL!

We have since talked. I failed to include that. I told her it's going to be harder for me to trust her now and she'll have to earn it back but it will take a while. She thinks she can do everything that her sister does and that's always been the case, but now that K is going into high school, she's going to be doing a lot more things (football games, after school activities, maybe getting a part time job, cheerleading if she makes it, etc) and C won't be able to tag along anymore. It's time for them to learn to do things separately and I have to keep reminding C that her sister is almost 2 years older than her.

I know how hard that is with a boy and a girl, I bet it's even harder with two girl... the younger one mad because the older one "get's to do everything".. the older one mad because "I didn't get to do that when I was 12..."

 

[reba]

See this big smile---> it is there because there is life after kids. My baby is 45!

 

[Nikki]

I know how hard that is with a boy and a girl, I bet it's even harder with two girl... the younger one mad because the older one "get's to do everything".. the older one mad because "I didn't get to do that when I was 12..."

Haha! Yeah, I get that too! K got mad when I got them both cell phones. She was like "Why does C get one?! I asked for one when I was 11 and I didn't get one. Not fair!".

 

[Mike]

Nikki, were you more concerned that they were less safe in pairs or that you were afraid of what they might get into if they were alone with someone?

Realizing bad things can happen anywhere, this sounds like a small-town affair. Did you feel a little safer where you were at as opposed to being in a big city? I love being in a somewhat contained area where we can give our kids a little more freedom than we would otherwise. It seems there's a little stretching that happens for me in situations like this, and I'm the kinda dad that needs stretching. There's a part of me that worries about sheltering them too much, and then they're off on their own.

But every parent-child relationship has its own set of dynamics, and it's sounded like you've been burned too many times over the years to feel like you can loosen the slack.

 

[FrMattCH]

Stories like this is why my wife and I don't have children. I mean it was crazy enough watching my sisters one summer. Holy cow. On a side note, I counsel a lot of combat vets like me. When talking of war it is certainly bad. When the stress of children gets brought forward then it is an entirely different dynamic.

 

[Nikki]

I felt safer with them being in a large group. The thought of just my 12 year old (she'll be 13 in August) walking around with a boy that I know nothing about didn't sit well with me at all. I've got an entirely new and more serious issue on my hands now. I don't know what in the world is going on with my girls right now. :*(

Nikki, were you more concerned that they were less safe in pairs or that you were afraid of what they might get into if they were alone with someone?

Realizing bad things can happen anywhere, this sounds like a small-town affair. Did you feel a little safer where you were at as opposed to being in a big city? I love being in a somewhat contained area where we can give our kids a little more freedom than we would otherwise. It seems there's a little stretching that happens for me in situations like this, and I'm the kinda dad that needs stretching. There's a part of me that worries about sheltering them too much, and then they're off on their own.

But every parent-child relationship has its own set of dynamics, and it's sounded like you've been burned too many times over the years to feel like you can loosen the slack.

 

[taikina]

don't call your kids names and be more level headed. i mean, i could be totally wrong but just consider the following: you scare them to death and yell and call them names, you intrude on their privacy more and more when they start to develop their sense of self, when they need their space. you punish them by limiting their freedom when they need many kinds of social experiences. i understand your concern, your worst nightmare would be a stranger taking them and doing things to them that need not be discussed here, i get that. but when you become a parent, your kids concerns become number one even for you. cut your kids some slack, trust them and they will trust you and believe you and not conspire to undermine your every command behind your back.

 

[chaz345]

Just last week I replied in another thread saying teens couldn't be trusted. My 12 year old proved me to that this past weekend. Grrrr...

We live in a small town and have a Spring festival each year. I took her, my 14 year old and their 13 year old friend and we met up with my best friend. As usual, we see people around every corner and at every booth that we know. The girls kept passing large groups of friends that were hanging out, riding rides, etc together without parents. They kept asking if they could go off with their friends for a while. I let my guard down and told them that they HAD to stay together as a group and that if their friends split up then they were to text or call me and meet back up with me. My oldest will be starting high school this year so I figured I would give her a little freedom.The festival takes up about 4 blocks in town so they can't go far. They got their ride tickets and they and all their friends headed for the rides.

They were gone for about 45 minutes and my best friend said she was going to be leaving soon so I called my 14 year old and told her that Kelly was leaving and for them to meet me at the park because we were going to be leaving too. She said "C just took off with Trevor to go ride a ride! I told her you would be mad and she would get in trouble but she said she didn't care!". Oooohhhh....I about blew up right there in front of everyone. I hung up, called my 12 year old and said "WHERE ARE YOU?!". She didn't bother trying to lie. She was honest and said "Me and Trevor are waiting in line to ride this ride" like it was no big deal. I started yelling at her "YOU KNEW THE RULE WAS TO STAY AS A GROUP!!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT TREVOR KID!!!....". I was fuming. I told her she had 30 seconds to get where I was at the park. She was there in a flash and looked scared to death. I was so angry with her! This Trevor kid is a boy she likes and I know nothing about him, who his family is, etc. I was stalking his FB page one day when I was logged in as my daughter (that's the rule in our house....I have their passwords and I log in several times a week) and he's got all this stuff about "I love Jesus", bible verses, etc. but then in another breath, he's cussing up a storm. I know, he's probably the typical 12/13 year old boy trying to be cool, but still. I didn't like that language I was seeing.

So, she's in a LOT of trouble. I told her that she's ruined ever being able to go as a group even if it's with her sister. I have parental controls on their phones, so I've locked all the stuff on her phone (she can only call me, her dad, her sister or my mom), her tv privleges are gone, she's not allowed to play with her bff that lives behind us, etc.

I always thought my oldest daughter would be the death of me, but the tables have turned since the youngest started middle school and I have a feeling she's going to be a handful. I had to remind her that she's got the rest of her life to worry about boys and growing up and that she's only a 12 year old child right now.

*sigh* I hate this age because you want to give them a little freedom, but just how much you give them is so unclear. Then she had to ruin it the FIRST TIME I gave her some freedom. UGH!

I know this is and old thread but I just wanted to say something here.

First of all let me be clear that I'm not saying that you are doing it wrong or anything like that, I'm just offering something else to consider.

It seems to me that maybe your reaction to what, when you stop to consider things, is a pretty minor infraction, may be a little strong. If you come down this hard over something that, yes is wrong and yes she disobeyed, but where the worst possible outcome is relatively minor, then you are greatly reducing the chances that she'll come to you for help if she makes a mistake that has potentially life wrecking results.

Again for clarity, I'm not saying you are wrong, not judging your parenting decisions or style, I'm just offering some food for thought.

 

[Nikki]

To clarify something, I didn't call her a turd. That's just what I posted here in my title.

I will be the first to admit that I'm too controlling. I KNOW I need a LOT of work in that area. I know that it can cause more problems. I'm really trying harder to loosen up a bit. Just pray for me....for the next 6 years!

Every time they are out of my sight, I literally worry myself sick. All kinds of crazy thoughts get into my head. I worry about them getting kidnapped and sold into human trafficking, I worry about them getting hurt, I worry about them getting lost, I worry about them getting bullied, I worry about them doing something they shouldn't....I worry TOO MUCH! How do you get past the worrying?!

 

[handy]

How to get past the worrying?


Some worrying is our job and we won't get past it... And, I hate to tell you this, but this goes on throughout the life... my mom still worries about me and I'm 50.

But, excessive worrying? Frankly, that is sinful... One needs to start carrying those thoughts captive to the Lord and trust that He is the One who will allow only that will He wills for them... I wish my pastor would write a book on his thoughts about worrying... Steve is a huge worrier... and Pastor lovingly rebuked him for it once, and what he put forth was so, so good. The bottom line is, if we are truly, truly trusting in the Lord to keep and protect our loved ones, then we shouldn't be bound up by worry over them.

 

[Nikki]

How to get past the worrying?


Some worrying is our job and we won't get past it... And, I hate to tell you this, but this goes on throughout the life... my mom still worries about me and I'm 50.

But, excessive worrying? Frankly, that is sinful... One needs to start carrying those thoughts captive to the Lord and trust that He is the One who will allow only that will He wills for them... I wish my pastor would write a book on his thoughts about worrying... Steve is a huge worrier... and Pastor lovingly rebuked him for it once, and what he put forth was so, so good. The bottom line is, if we are truly, truly trusting in the Lord to keep and protect our loved ones, then we shouldn't be bound up by worry over them.

You are absolutely right and I TRY to give my worries to God, but that is so much easier said than done sometimes.