Longing to leave...Help!

[growingsoldier]

I need some advice and guidance! I have a husband who is loving and is great with our child, but I am not very happy. For some time now I have been lusting and fantasizing over other men. I do not want to hurt my husband or my child! I try not to think about the grass being greener on the other side but I feel like my life is missing something. Recently I have been trying to grow closer to God, read my bible more and just be a better christian. I've asked my husband to try to be a better person, simply for my kids sake. I don't need my kid swearing and acting out fits of rage like daddy. I really believe I would be a better person if I were on my own. I know the bible says I should stand by my husband and help him grow closer to God, just by showing my husband the light in me. He does not think he has to follow every word in the Bible or take his religion so seriously. This makes him unattractive to me. I love him and want the best for him, but I am suffering. I tried to talk to him, but he acts like everything is fine in our relationship. I can tell that he is not as happy as he could be. So, is it wrong for me to want to leave my husband? How can I stop lusting over other fantasy men?

 

[Mike]

Welcome GS!

I'm confused. You said

I need some advice and guidance! I have a husband who is loving and is great with our child, but I am not very happy.

and then you said

I've asked my husband to try to be a better person, simply for my kids sake. I don't need my kid swearing and acting out fits of rage like daddy. I really believe I would be a better person if I were on my own.

I guess I would need clarification on whether he is abusive or not. From the rest of your post, I'm afraid it sounds like it isn't as much a case of abuse as it is your personal desire for something else. My initial thought is to stress your vows to him and God's Will for your marriage, but I'll wait for your clarification before I go there. I hope you return.

 

[growingsoldier]

Sorry if I was confusing. It is hard to explain how my husband is. He is helpful with our child. He tells me he loves me all the time. He does usually go to church with me on Sundays. I do not like that every time he has to do something for the kid, he acts agitated or angry at me. I don't like that he swears all the time. I have a problem with him when he gets upset about something, he voices his anger till it ruins my day too. He gets upset at the littlest stuff. I do not like that he talks to me like I am a child. I am at the point that I am tired of taking care of him and picking up after him. He is not abusive. But he does make me feel worthless and sad. I'm just confused myself.

 

[Pizzaguy]

Ok, what changed? You are no longer so attracted to him.

Has he fallen away from the faith?
Have you changed and grown closer to God?

Has HE changed or have YOUR priorities changed?


What I am getting at is this: where is the real problem, then we can move on from here.

As to how you stop fantasizing, well, just remember that it's a fantasy - and fantasy ALWAYS beats reality. (Oh, how I have painfully learned that lesson.)

 

[Mike]

GS, Pizzaguy had good follow up questions and advice.

I have to be honest, but understand this comes without knowing many of the particulars. No ones safety is in danger, he hasn't been unfaithful as far as I know (In fact, Jesus would say you have committed adultery. How about that?), and you have no biblical validation to leave him. He gets upset and acts out. That's what you say. I have to believe if he were posting here, we'd hear a different side of the argument. Seldom if ever is 1 person giving a completely unbiased POV.

I've sat with friends listening to them tell the worst stories about their difficult spouses, and I've been very upset about it. My guess is that the spouse has told friends a different side of the story, and they're equally upset with my friend. It's all perspective.

Much of your OP gave this impression: you're not happy, you're bored and unsatisfied, you desire other men. If you were a good friend, I have to say I'd be trying to shake some sense into you. You made a vow, made a covenant with him, and whether or not God was acknowledged at the time, it WAS made before Him. You promised yourself to him. Marriage is difficult at times. There are highs and lows every marriage goes through, and you need to honor your commitment and fix yourself on this commitment. Go to counseling. Seek pastoral advice. Whatever. You need to turn from your thoughts of abandoning your marriage, seek God in this storm and pray that He takes this feeling from you.

It sounds like you are turning to God in a gradual process. I think it's unfair of you to expect him to make the same change along the same time. Encourage him, and allow God to move him. You need to be faithful and pray for him. Show him love; the Love the Jesus shows you. He's still in the dark, but you are emerging from it. Show him that light and attract him to it.

I've no doubt this is hard for you, but it's not hard for the Lord. You just need to put this at the Cross and let Him lead you, giving you the strength.

I'm sorry if I come off as insensitive, but I don't think you need coddling. I believe you need to hear the Truth.

Be blessed

 

[tim-from-pa]

How can I stop lusting over other fantasy men?

Your post has an aura of inconsistency to it, I just can't put my finger on it. However, I think this quote above is the crux. I think you are letting emotions get the better of you. You want some better fantasy world, but even if you get it, I guarantee (and have a hunch) that something would eventually be "wrong" with that as well. The best I can give you is that it sounds like you have to develop a better sense of self, i.e. your purpose and goals in the Lord. If you see yourself as merely taking up space on this planet, or living in someone else's shadows, including family, you will never be happy. You have to make good things happen instead of hoping they will happen to you. After all, the whole purpose of the church is to one day rule and reign with Christ and to teach the nations his Law. If you can't take charge now, then how will you be a queen one day?

 

[handy]

Growingsoldier,

First, welcome to the forum! I know that you are hurting and I hope and pray that you will find real help here. But, part of the real help might be some advice to seek out some solid professional counseling.

I too was confused by your post and couldn't put my finger on some inconsistencies. Then I read your other thread here, the one where you shared that your husband decided that he didn't want more children, got a vasectomy, talked you into getting an abortion and has reversed his prior OK to adopt another child.

Frankly, if I had to put up with all that from my husband, I think I would be dreaming about some other guy as well. You asked if it was wrong to want to leave him...without getting into the rightness or wrongness of it, let's just say that it is thoroughly understandable. As is you seeking refuge in fantasy. Fantasy in this case is a lot like drugs or alcohol though...might make you feel better in the short term, but is only compounding your problem. And sister, you truly have a serious problem in your marriage.

However, with God, all things are possible, including the healing of your marriage. Forgiveness will play a big part in any kind of true rebuilding of your marriage. First, you need to ask forgiveness of God for the abortion. True, we women are to submit to our husbands, but not when they pressure us to do something that is outright sinful. And, you need healing so that you can come to terms with killing your unborn child, one that you now so desperately want. While there are some great people here, and we will certainly want to help you and uphold you in prayer...I think a godly professional therapist is in order. I would ask your pastor if he can recommend someone.

Your dissatisfaction in your marriage is very clear to me, having read your other post. And, it goes a long ways towards explaining your husband's anger issues. To have pressured his unwilling wife to kill his child is a sin too great to not have consequences. Consequences that are now affecting his ability to father your child and he seems to be acting out by becoming angry with you, especially when you ask him to help out with your child. I'm sure that his guilt of pressuring you into aborting a child that you wanted very much eats away at him.

I'm wondering if this is an "elephant in the room"? I ask because I find it rather amazing that you would separate the overwhelmingly huge issue of his refusing to allow more children and pressuring you into aborting your second child from this issue of your husband no longer being attractive to you. If the abortion and the issue of your desiring more children are things that the two of you cannot discuss or address, then it will be very difficult to move forward in your marriage.

You didn't say whether or not your husband is a Christian. If he is not, and if he refuses to go through some counseling with you regarding the abortion and your desire for more children, and if he desires a divorce, unfortunately, that might be your only recourse. If so, there is nothing unbiblical about letting him divorce you.

But, for your child's sake, I hope that the two of you can work through this and rebuild your marriage, forgive past sins and come to unity in the issue of more children.

 

[Chris]

I need some advice and guidance! I have a husband who is loving and is great with our child, but I am not very happy. For some time now I have been lusting and fantasizing over other men. I do not want to hurt my husband or my child! I try not to think about the grass being greener on the other side but I feel like my life is missing something. Recently I have been trying to grow closer to God, read my bible more and just be a better christian. I've asked my husband to try to be a better person, simply for my kids sake. I don't need my kid swearing and acting out fits of rage like daddy. I really believe I would be a better person if I were on my own. I know the bible says I should stand by my husband and help him grow closer to God, just by showing my husband the light in me. He does not think he has to follow every word in the Bible or take his religion so seriously. This makes him unattractive to me. I love him and want the best for him, but I am suffering. I tried to talk to him, but he acts like everything is fine in our relationship. I can tell that he is not as happy as he could be. So, is it wrong for me to want to leave my husband? How can I stop lusting over other fantasy men?

Hi, Soon as I read your post for you the first thing that came to mind was the 7 year itch. how long have you been married?

The other thing I see is your desire to mold your partner to your ideals rather than accepting the person he is, does he do that to you? If you are growing apart that is one thing, trying to change someone to suit yourself is another.

An extra marital affair is always a sign of a big unaddressed problem in a marriage. You don't want that. Guilt, shame, sadness,egret and misery will be your reward for betraying marital trust..It is not worth it. Separate first if you have to do this.

Marriage counseling before an affair or a big fight is really a good option if you suspect problems and really worth pursuing.

 

[handy]

I didn't think about separation last night...might be necessary in this situation, at least until some counseling and healing take place.

I have to admit, if it weren't for the child, if your husband is a non-Christian and want's out of the marriage, I'd let him go. Marriage vows are already broken. Sexual fidelity isn't the only vow that one makes in a marriage, after all.

But, because of the child, this marriage is worth trying to save. It will be an uphill battle though.

 

[Pizzaguy]

Dora's posts in this thread leave little left to say.

 

[growingsoldier]

We have been married for 6 years, maybe I got the itch early. We had separated once before, about 1 year after we were married. He had a drinking problem and would not stop looking at internet porn, so I left. In that time we both became better people and decided that we still loved each other and wanted to work on things. We have both changed for the better over the years but now my husband is happy and I want us to continue trying to be better. I want to be a good parent and I would like my family to active in church and in our community, but my husband barely makes it to church on Sundays. I feel like he is holding me back from being the best I can be. Sometimes I think I would be happier if I lived alone.

 

[Pizzaguy]

Sometimes I think I would be happier if I lived alone.

Sometimes I think I'd be happier married - but my last marriage lasted less than 7 months (I left after 7 weeks).

I married her too fast and paid a dear price, financially, emotionally, etc. I suggest YOU be VERY CAREFUL about leaving too quickly as well. Think of it this way, you can always leave - tomorrow. (Kinda like the "99" Restaurant in Hillsdale, Michigan in the 80s. THey had a sign, "Free Coffee Tomorrow"!!!)

Don't go thru your days thinking you are leaving tomorrow, I DID NOT SAY THAT, just appease yourself that you COULD leave, if things got to that point. You can ALWAYS leave, but you can always stay. If you leave, there will be a lot of work and even pain in putting your life back together (and your child's). WHy not put some work into THIS situation?

Communication is important - how much have your shared with him abotu what you are thinking? How would he react? Would it anger him, or hurt him? Would he (at least for a season) try? ]

There is a track record here of the two of you "becoming better" so he's obviously willing to listen and try.

Please don't move too fast, my dear.

 

[bibleMAN]

He does usually go to church with me on Sundays.

but my husband barely makes it to church on Sundays.

Sounds to me as though you are looking for a way to rationalize cheating on him. In fact it might be that you want to be with someone else, and you see divorcing your husband as that way to do that while maintaining "dignity" and "high ground" so you are looking for a reason to leave.

Just my opinion, and I could be wrong.

But you should ask youself this:

Did you marry "For better or for worse" or just "for better"?

And if you think you would be happier by divorcing, something which God hates, then that is a dillusional fantasy.

Becuase if there is one have I have learnt since I gave my heart to God, it's that sin leads to one place: Destruction

God's morals are there to keep us happy and protected.

God bless and I hope you stay in your marriage

 

[Pizzaguy]

He does usually go to church with me on Sundays.

but my husband barely makes it to church on Sundays.

Sounds to me as though you are looking for a way to rationalize cheating on him. In fact it might be that you want to be with someone else, and you see divorcing your husband as that way to do that while maintaining "dignity" and "high ground" so you are looking for a reason to leave.

While it kinda looks that way, I'm unsure. These things are very complicated - but I WOULD like her to clarify just how much or WHEN he changed. I think there may be an answer to this in the answer to that question.

 

[growingsoldier]

Sometimes I think I am just looking for a way out. I do not feel affectionate towards my husband. I feel like I am robing him of a life with someone who will love him and make him happy. I definitely don't want a relationship with anyone else, any time soon! I like being a loner, I am an extreme introvert. Part of me feels like I am just staying with him for my child's sake. I don't want to miss a day of her life and I never want her to have to miss me or her daddy. My parents divorced and they did not handle things like mature adults and I suffered my whole childhood. Maybe I stay, so my daughter will not go through that. I feel like he makes me worse of a person. I never feel happy around him, like he is a weight on my shoulders crushing me. He did go to church with me today, but he always tries to come up with an excuse to not go. I told him how I felt. I asked him to try date nights with me, but he just stared at the TV. Since our talk, he acts mad, like hes been a great husband and I just don't appreciate him. If I mention something about his swearing or playing video games for hours, he yells at me. I do not nag him. I try to be understanding, I know things take time to improve, but my husband is now reverting to old selfish habits. I feel like he is trying to be a christian just to make me happy, not because he believes that God is the all mighty savior. Thank you all for your comments and questions, they help me understand where I am coming from and dealing with. I am just asking for Gods help and guidance. I know to be patient until his will is clear to me. For once in my life I am really trying to listen.

 

[jasoncran]

We have been married for 6 years, maybe I got the itch early. We had separated once before, about 1 year after we were married. He had a drinking problem and would not stop looking at internet porn, so I left. In that time we both became better people and decided that we still loved each other and wanted to work on things. We have both changed for the better over the years but now my husband is happy and I want us to continue trying to be better. I want to be a good parent and I would like my family to active in church and in our community, but my husband barely makes it to church on Sundays. I feel like he is holding me back from being the best I can be. Sometimes I think I would be happier if I lived alone.

internet porn caused much strive in my marriage, thankfully i repented and god took that from me.

 

[growingsoldier]

My husband used to look at porn, but he gave that up a few years ago. He wouldn't stop looking at internet porn so I left him. I missed him after 6 months we got back together and porn was never an issue since. He also stopped drinking alcohol as much.

 

[Pizzaguy]

I feel like he makes me worse of a person. I never feel happy around him, like he is a weight on my shoulders crushing me. He did go to church with me today, but he always tries to come up with an excuse to not go.... If I mention something about his swearing or playing video games for hours, he yells at me. ... my husband is now reverting to old selfish habits.

Ok, again, when did he change? You make it sound like you KNEW he was like this all along. Is that true? Did you think you could change him? Did you think you could live with him anyway? I think there is an answer for you in these questions, I'm not trying to beat you up or anything - I really think there might be an answer for you in my questions.

I feel like he is trying to be a christian just to make me happy, not because he believes that God is the all mighty savior.

Well, if he's really doing all this just for you, I am impressed that he's trying this hard!

I bet if you two would go to counseling, there would be hope. Problem is, getting him to go and finding the RIGHT counselor.

 

[matthew]

as someone who is having his wife leave him right now I would like to caution you .
you could end up destroying him in the prossess , if he were to comite suicide , or try to harm him self could you live with that . all of this has been happening to me
i have just wanted to die for weeks now . I was one with my wife but now i have been torn in two, broken hearted my spirit crushed , un able to eat or work .
the bible says that people who do this cover their garments with violence , and i can attest that it is true , feeling that someone has beaten me to with in an inch of my life every day since it started .
God hates divorce because it destroys people

 

[jberk5071]

This thread is a little on the old side, so I hope you're still here and can provide updates.

I don't feel particularly comfortable giving advice, as I've only been married for just over two months, but something you said kind of struck me:

Since our talk, he acts mad, like hes been a great husband and I just don't appreciate him.

It sounds like you're speaking different love languages. I don't know if you're familiar with the concept, but different people show/receive love different ways.

He thinks he's been a great husband because he's showing love to you the way he wants to be shown love. You are (or were) probably showing him love the way you want to be loved.

There's a book by Gary Chapman called The 5 Love Languages that I would recommend. You can also find more about it online.