[__ Prayer __] my life...paranoid me...

[xounstaer]

hi

i am diagnosed paraoid schizophrenia
how i ever became is not of the matter anymore.

what is of the matter is that i am about to move forward in my life.
for example next wednesday at 11.00 i am going to the petting zoo together with my psychologist to see if i can do some activity there once or twice a week to begin with.

now i am paranoid, like i said how i became so is not of the point.
what is of the point is that i am for example afraid that the people there might not like me or have a grudge or so against me. since i have been thinking for a long time that there nothing and that they hate me too. i just think way to much.
having you reading this might allready be enough for me...

so tell me to go next wednesday at 11.00 and not back out. ty in advance
and that i dont have to be afraid. ty.

the next thing is that my psychologist is going to discuss or bable with my psychiatrist and the teamleader about me going to live in an apartment here on the terain. which get me thinking lots again. i look forward but will i manage and willl it work. or will i finaly land up in isolement.

i am 26 now if i stay of the weed or worse i might still have a good chance to reach things within my life such as leaving this terain and truly live on my own, with soem help.

actually if i live for it i might still follow a study or find a job in the future.
am 26 sure all is still an option.

the biggest worrie you could help me with is to tell me now that i may be who i am
and that i havent betrayed jesus, by explaining to everybody how he was able to be who he is/was. and that i am actually the messiah. and do everybody wrong by thinking and saying so.

yes jesus i know i have ben praying to never been born and die for the past 26 years. and cried for about 3 years over the crusifixion of "god's son" which in my eyes cannot be justified, ever.
can talk it over though as in this way: that if he didnt die that way the word of him might not have been today and i surely would've never have the live i have and had..

all i really want is a reply about that i shouldnt worrie about living on my own and that i shouldnt be afraid to go to the petting zoo.

but if you choose not to reply ty for taking your time to read this in your mind, ty

 

[Adullam]

hi

i am diagnosed paraoid schizophrenia
how i ever became is not of the matter anymore.

what is of the matter is that i am about to move forward in my life.
for example next wednesday at 11.00 i am going to the petting zoo together with my psychologist to see if i can do some activity there once or twice a week to begin with.

now i am paranoid, like i said how i became so is not of the point.
what is of the point is that i am for example afraid that the people there might not like me or have a grudge or so against me. since i have been thinking for a long time that there nothing and that they hate me too. i just think way to much.
having you reading this might allready be enough for me...

so tell me to go next wednesday at 11.00 and not back out. ty in advance
and that i dont have to be afraid. ty.

the next thing is that my psychologist is going to discuss or bable with my psychiatrist and the teamleader about me going to live in an apartment here on the terain. which get me thinking lots again. i look forward but will i manage and willl it work. or will i finaly land up in isolement.

i am 26 now if i stay of the weed or worse i might still have a good chance to reach things within my life such as leaving this terain and truly live on my own, with soem help.

actually if i live for it i might still follow a study or find a job in the future.
am 26 sure all is still an option.

the biggest worrie you could help me with is to tell me now that i may be who i am
and that i havent betrayed jesus, by explaining to everybody how he was able to be who he is/was. and that i am actually the messiah. and do everybody wrong by thinking and saying so.

yes jesus i know i have ben praying to never been born and die for the past 26 years. and cried for about 3 years over the crusifixion of "god's son" which in my eyes cannot be justified, ever.
can talk it over though as in this way: that if he didnt die that way the word of him might not have been today and i surely would've never have the live i have and had..

all i really want is a reply about that i shouldnt worrie about living on my own and that i shouldnt be afraid to go to the petting zoo.

but if you choose not to reply ty for taking your time to read this in your mind, ty

That has to be rough! May the Lord watch over you and keep you!

BTW You said "isolement" which is the same word in French (for isolation);)

 

[xounstaer]

ty abdullum and the rest for reading.

finally better days are ahaed, in sight.
next friday i am also going to work(pointing) with my (steph) father again. that has been about half a year ago.

it's funny that the way i feel in the moring often seems related to my activity here.
for example if i post about being the returnal of christ in some way, then the next day i may not want to walk the streets due to the paranoia that comes with it in my mind.

but i have allready learned something here, which i lost out of eye.
that i amno more then anyone else here, no less either. but when it comes to believing in jesus and his returnal i learned i have my share or life in that. and each other shoulod have theirs.

would be unlogical to change this way of thinking.

i am very glad though that i got to share it all, without being called a nutter ot so.

serious i have learned a piece about my fellow world siticens, which also goes for me. to you; you come first. to me; i come first.

if anybody desides else that's their own choose.
when i was 'locked down' in the crisis department i never spoke a word and always said when i spoke of my theme/story(psychosis) that it was personal and i wanted to be anonimious.

now after spilling all my beans(pearls to me) here. i am glad so. especially coz i found out the most important thing in life. that each person is it's own person. and that i wasnt neglected by the people here. which really if i go think deeply about it, it might bring a tear of joy to my eye.

now i havent been keeping quite here where i live either
but this above i say i learned, i learned here.

i would be talking against myself (signature) if i place myself as 'the one' for you all. while, like i said four times now. that to you that should be you. of course unless you choose' else.

it's a bit similair to the opinion i have that everybody should take the bible personally and maybe even privately. i did for sure!
and i think in the far future, that should be the way...

---------
still i again after saying all this, can get paranoid(picture some reasoning, still)
i'd be very happy if anybody red this and feels like praying or thinking a helpfull word for me.

for example that i may sucseed to get on with my life besides religion.

i often sing along "25 years of my life been steal" now i know that just also a way of looking at it.
i am very glad with what i witnessed.
but i pretty much fully exploited it
and the reasons i ran of into psychose: 'disagreement of crusifixion'(taking on the history with god) and "shining a light upon truth"(explaining possible)
have been answerred in a way i could have never predicted.
i will stil keep busy with believing.

but i need to get on with real life 2.
so far god mozes and jesus where "all" that kept me busy
now it's time for a changing, not that i stand back from it. but i have adressed my story enough now.
and i realise that if i keep on pushing through myself as....i wake up paranoid in the morning.

ty for reading and if u pray or think for/about me gettin on with things besides religion ty vm (really a tear of joy and understanding, while i havent even posted yet

 

[xounstaer]

thx everybody who red......


tommorow i am going to work for sure now.
and i went to the petting zoo and we decided i will be active there on wednesday and friday afternoon.

my paranoia has been at a low level the last/past few days i even almost went there myself.

ty

if anybody could tell that i shouldnt worrie about moving to an apatment on the terain here before moving back into the general society, i'd be glad. or if you just red or pray ty.

 

[Fire_inside21]

I can't really say your paranoia is breaking, but it sure seems like it!! God be with you!! Don't worry about anything, ask God to help you with your decision, he will pull you through.

 

[xounstaer]

i went to that petting zoo/animal farm last wednesday and it was good.

today though after my postings here the past few days i was to paranoid to go to the supermarket to get shag(and e few beers) myself so a brother in nursing went along.

ty all who red anyways, still.

i think due to the amount of paranoid me, this can stay an active topic. since i can get poaranoid or be left with tears or get angry any time these days as it has seemed.

whats worse? being paranoid, or be crying or be angry. i dont know...sssn
i am glad though that i found a place where i can be me as free as possible and even be understood clear enough, unthanks my bad writings.

even if that means i dont dare to get among society myself..


sunday i see if i call my (steph) father to see if i can go along working next week.
and next wednesday and friday am busy from 13.00 till 16.00 again.
i hope all goes well and i go wrking with my father one day and be at the farm.

if u read ty if u pray too ty more for caring i guess.
i will post anything paranoid here again when i feel it ok to post.;):

 

[csmary]

"Behold,I am the LORD,the God of all flesh.Is there anything too hard for ME?"Jeremiah32 :27For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,says the LORD,thoughts of peace and not of evil,
to give you a future and a hope."Jeremiah 29:11

 

[Christ_empowered]

You have to believe that God loves you and will save you, in this life and in the life to come. I have Bipolar I w/psychotic features (basically a mix of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder), so I understand a lot of what you're going through.

I've been so paranoid before that I didn't step foot outside my apartment, even to check the mail, for weeks at a time. God has saved me; I do have to take meds, I do have to go to therapy, but God is behind all that and He is with me all the way.

One important thing: you have to accept God for who He is, not who you want Him to be. I've found that my mental problems sometimes lead me to want God to be someone other than the One revealed in His Word. I think you'll come closer to God and to healing if you start reading your Bible and learn about God as He has revealed Himself to us--just, merciful, holy, and perfect.

 

[xounstaer]

thx for caring u2 and the rest.
today is a nasty day i wake up between 10.00 and 12.00 nowadays.
i came out of bad and went straight back in after some coffee.

this is a bit less paranoid; but i just dont feel like living the rest of my life due too being set aside by society in a way. and the nasty situations here at this closed section(at which i am freewillingly)

right now and just the past few days i just dont want to carry on anymore(and i cry as i type this)
it's not a lie that i hope so much 50% of the times i go to bed that i dont survive the night. and that all agony and nasty stuff like being depressed and hopeless is over with.
how far is one gone, if one truly consideres going in court to plie for euthanasia.
i gueas far'

in 15 minutes i speak my psychlogist, but i really dont know what to say.
been doing substances besides medication to the past two days, eventhough the amount was like nothing.

i turned on eminem now (and just hear a thundercloud wow ) ok i smiled.

your post got me thinking Christ empowered. since that it axectly what my future is supposed to be like and which hurts to me. for not being a regular person as in regular with having schoolage and a job etc..

so yeah i am not alone huh...
right now i have a bible which is against the ToS here so i dont read it for an extra reason. while the intention is quite ok in it, at least to me..
they where gifts both an english and a dutch NWT. so i will keep them..

well the psychologist should be here now any minute. but i allready feel a bit better that obviously the part of strugling isnt just sickness..

 

[xounstaer]

she just called she's running late so we decided (i) that we'll talk tommorow.
till then and just anyway i should try to just be better mooded.
the rest/nap did me good though, and eminem does me even better, i know it's not real christian like, but so is my whole life so far. i didnt choose to be christian in the way i am after all, actually. as i am with the bagage..

here's actually how i became christian the way i am.
i heavily disagreed with the crusifixion, as to where my psychosis began with.
also i wanted to shine a light upon truth.

now here i am 7 years later with a believe in christ so strong coz god comprimised the things i persecuted.(serious) but it has run to a point now where i need to get back on a rail and get a life. which i dont feel like:.

i dont want to act like nothing happaned and smile everyday.
i gues right now i must stay of the too much beer and weed and other.
realise that life is ok when it is.
take a rest when am through'
and dont worrie.

i think i'll call of the psychologist
no really not.

i wanted to say one more thing that i do not see this thread or this forum/community as a helping instance in combination with my sickness.
if it does seem like that, and isnt wanted then i will hear and stop from telling these things about me.


so far. thx

 

[xounstaer]

well all the nice intentions i had.
rock bottom now/turning point
i was heading wrong, got a warning and all i said here didnt succeed.

i am stable now though awake at night.
i must not mess up here as in make problems or i get suspended for two weeks.
compulsory redundancies, it's translated. (i keep learning)

but i will make sure not to get to that.
so far,

i just keep disapointing myself and my family and everyone time on time when i say i "go for it" again. i am not even believed anymore.

i speak my psychologist next monday or asap and will discuss or talk with her and maybe even suggest restrictions as to my freedom in order not to get in trouble.

i know i just musnt cause trouble, but it's not exactly that i want to be a problem or cause nonsense like breaking a window or say i will.
but i did it before when they gave me three days to the street. i just will do the things i allways said even before i got in psychiatry, anything better then the streets.

dont read on if you may be offended by wrong moral reasoning or deathwishes.

i wont say it but i said it for real out loud to people often enough. i wont hurt no one but do all i can to stay of the streets as in being homeless.
i wont hurt no one else that is to correct, but i wont go explicit on it here or anywhere since it sounds sick if i'd say.

so at a turning point here and me thinking that i must 'get to it' now someday sooner then later prefered.

do i still have hope, i hope.2:waving

 

[xounstaer]

hi i wanted to replie with the words that i wont be paranoia or scared anymore.
for now at least.
so thats a start..