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Passive-Agressive

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Kathi

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What has been your experience with Passive-Aggressive behavior?Have you had to deal with it?What does passive-aggressive look like to you?
pas·sive-ag·gres·sive
adjective
adjective: passive-aggressive
  1. of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.
 
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An example of P/A behavior would be sending threatening but anonymous emails to a supervisor who was engaging in unethical acts at work. I suppose it would be direct resistance if the emails were not anonymous.
 
I miss read that thread title, I thought it said passive-antagonist, aka, the tail end of most animals. I have been called that by a chaplain we still joke about that today.
 
oh yeah probably in every single person Ive ever met including myself back in school when I was being bullied.The ones Ive met who had a stronger passive aggressive problem seemed to rotate between that and just outright bully behavior.
 
Yes it is and theres no freedom in it Id much rather tell how I feel or say yes or no if that is what I want to do.Im very direct these days lol not everyone I know likes that.
 
hallowbonnie said:
Yes it is and theres no freedom in it Id much rather tell how I feel or say yes or no if that is what I want to do.Im very direct these days lol not everyone I know likes that.
Click to expand...
I've had problems at times with people who were not direct. My ex-wife was one. We would have a conversation about something important and she would agree with me just because she didn't want to disagree, even though I genuinely wanted to know what she wanted so her desires could be accommodated. Then later on I find out she felt the opposite of what she had said, had been secretly doing things to sabotage our relationship over it, and put the blame for that onto me!

In conversations about important things, as long as a person isn't using "I'm just being honest" as a justification for just being nasty and uncaring of my feelings, I would much rather hear honesty than lies!
 
I can certainly relate to that obadiah I did that with my ex ,he was very hard to please sort of a perfectionist and everything always had to go his way this also made him pretty controlling.If I bucked the system it was nightmare on elm st so it was just easier to keep doing what he wanted and trying to live up to his expectations.Thank God I am out from under that oppression now.
 
Man there are way to many titles for this kind, or that kind, of jerky or bad behaviour..
Seems to me the 'woodshed' could 'cure' many 'dysfunctions' ... guess i am showing my age...
 
hallowbonnie said:
I can certainly relate to that obadiah I did that with my ex ,he was very hard to please sort of a perfectionist and everything always had to go his way this also made him pretty controlling.If I bucked the system it was nightmare on elm st so it was just easier to keep doing what he wanted and trying to live up to his expectations.Thank God I am out from under that oppression now.
Click to expand...
I don't think I was being a perfectionist or controlling though. I literally had to beg her to give me her ideas and opinions and I genuinely wanted to know so I could do my part to accommodate her wishes or to work with her to figure out fair compromises if our wishes on something were incompatible. But I could honestly never tell when she was being honest or just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. A lot of it came out in conversations we've had since she left, as well as her admitting to many of the things she had done secretly. I so wish she could have just been honest instead of telling me what she thought I wanted to hear and then work secretly to thwart my efforts in those areas. Most of the things she's told me about doing this with were things that, had I known the truth, I would have gladly gone along with her wishes.
 
One thing I do that could maybe be called passive aggressive is when asked by...certain people in my life, shall we say, what my opinion is on something, and I know they don't really want to hear my opinion because they won't like it (meaning it will probably turn into conflict), I tend to avoid answering. Instead of yes or no, I say "I like pie". It's a way of voicing disagreement without them realizing it...so far.
Thing is, I've tried the "I'd rather not talk about it" thing. That didn't go over too well.

Not sure if that actually fits or not <.<
 
Sometimes it is risk to be totally honest.You really have to trust that person.They may say "Ok I really want to know how you feel" then you tell them and they go ballistic.It takes a person with an open mind and someone who is not sensative to look at the whole picture.Someone who is going to take self criticism well.Not many can do that.
 
Kathi said:
What has been your experience with Passive-Aggressive behavior?Have you had to deal with it?What does passive-aggressive look like to you?
pas·sive-ag·gres·sive
adjective
adjective: passive-aggressive
  1. of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.
Click to expand...

To me passive-aggressive is something like this ....ie

Someone is not happy about the way something is going. Rather than talking about it or facing the issue head on, they pout or they give someone the silent treatment, or they withhold affection from the other person.
Passive-aggressive behavior is their way of punishing someone else. It is their way of being aggressive. It can go so far as to be a form of bullying.
I'm mad at you so I not going to speak to you. I'm mad at you so I'm going to sleep on the couch. It is a way to win by wearing the other person down.
 
^ I just realized my family has had this down to an art for years. I'm not entirely guiltless, either.
 
questdriven said:
One thing I do that could maybe be called passive aggressive is when asked by...certain people in my life, shall we say, what my opinion is on something, and I know they don't really want to hear my opinion because they won't like it (meaning it will probably turn into conflict), I tend to avoid answering. Instead of yes or no, I say "I like pie". It's a way of voicing disagreement without them realizing it...so far.
Thing is, I've tried the "I'd rather not talk about it" thing. That didn't go over too well.

Not sure if that actually fits or not <.<
Click to expand...

Actually that's not very passive-aggressive. But it's awesome you're so self-aware to admit that this type of behaviour could be a problem. Though imo it seems alright. "I like pie" seems like a funny way to avoid conflict. Might try it myself. :biggrin
 
When you are dealing with passive aggressive people keep in mind they aren't evil, it's just some sort of weakness and we all have weaknesses, right?

Maybe something that happened to them along the way accidentially taught them that saying their true opinion is dangerous and it's safer to resort to sabotaging and backstabbing their work when they disagree with it.
Rather than hating them it's better to confront that behaviour in a friendly supporting way and encourage that person to say what they really think, and if they actually do show honest disagreement, even the slightest bit of it, acknowledge it, praise their candor, thank them and take their disagreement into consideration, show them they are still your friends or your loved ones or part of your team.
Keep in mind it's hard for everyone to re-learn long term survival strategies, they are sticky even if they are harmful now.
 
I can understand it, kinda. My personality is one that goes to great lengths to avoid conflict, so I tend to hide my deepest opinions and feelings to accomplish this purpose.
I avoid people who bother me if I can, but in the case of immediate family being irritating or frustrating I can't. So there are cases in which I'll resort to mildly irritating behaviors to express my irritation. I'm not a petty person, but there are a few things that get on my nerves fast.
 
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