Barth Jones
I know what you mean by the hatred. I remember when I lost my first child back in 88?.. She was just under 4 months old. I was raised in foster homes etc until I finally got placed with my Dad in the spring of 3rd grade. Later, I ran away and became a street rat, then found my self in Juvenile, then the institution. I had attachment issues. Why attach when you know the people you love will just get ripped away... Back to my first child. It was the first time I felt safe with another human being. It was the first time I let myself love another human being fully. I hated God when she was taken. I hated everyone.
My X wife and I had three other children after our first and through a long series of events, they were all placed in foster care. It was found through the mandatory blood tests that my oldest wasn't my biological child, and my rights were terminated on the spot. I was dealing with the false accusations etc pretty well, but when my girls were ripped from me, that was my breaking point. I did what I had to do to get my youngest (Mariah) placed with my cousin so she wouldn't grow up in the foster care system. It took 9 months... Maybe the state knew something I didn't at the time, because we fought hard to get her placed. This wouldn't be the first battle my cousin had with the state. After placement, the hatred grew and the nightmares began. It was taking a physical toll on my body. I was a walking time bomb.
It took a decade to wish my X wife well. I actually saw her last week. It had been 20 years since I've last seen her. She's battle worn and the Meth and alcohol has taken it's toll in her life. She was once a knockout, now she has meth mouth with very few teeth left and the stress of her lifestyle has taken it's physical toll. Her mind isn't right either. She's been forever altered and honestly, she was unrecognizable. That was hard to see, but she's in a good place now and she's getting the help she needs.
I remember the hate, the rage and the toll it took on me. The night I found out about my daughter that old friend of mine tried to creep back into my life. I felt it, and I won't lie about it. But I vowed not to let it consume me. I also learned a long time ago by the example of Jesus that anger isn't a bad thing, but what we do with it matters. Jesus got angry at the religious elite, and in response he healed a man with a shriveled hand. Jesus used his anger to do something good for another person and his concern wasn't about ticking off the religious elite. He did what was right and when we do what's right, we will be persecuted. It's not that I haven't thought bad things, but I won't act on them. Instead, I challenged myself to be creative and in my anger, seek to do something good. I've been teaching my son that for years, and when it really mattered, he saw it in action.
I'm not afraid to tick off people when they are doing harm to others and I'm finding that we don't need to be a door mat for those who abuse us because abuse comes in many different forms and honestly, we need to be angry at some things because some things are worth being angry about. Some things are worth hating. But it's what we do with that anger and hate that matters because what we do forms how that anger or hatred develops in our life.
I hate what my cousin did to us. It was cruel and selfish. I have no pity for her or for her husband. What they did to my son and daughter was pure evil. She had a chance to do something good, but she choose not to allow it. That's evil and I hate what is evil. It didn't have to be that way. What do I do with that anger and hatred? How do I teach my children to deal with their anger and hatred? We use it to do good and as an example of what we will not become. What is my cousins problem? She's full of anger and hatred and it's self consuming. It's all about her hurt, her loss and the dysfunction of her life is being exposed for who she's become... Who she's allowed herself to be. I've vowed not to contribute to the unjust suffering and cruelty that's in this world and I've challenged myself and my children to take that anger and hatred, and make the world a better place with it, even when it ticks people off.
