Christ_empowered
Member
whoa. i have -so- much to be thankful for, and I had a little mini-fit this AM. Not OK. Not a -huge- deal--I called my dad and apologized, smoothed things over, but...
...he said something like "I appreciate you saying that" and "I appreciate the gesture," and I'm thinking...oh man. --That-- got to me, like I'm still who I was, just...going thru the motions, all that jazz.
Truth is, it was early-ish, I'd been tossing and turning since 2 AM, and...I just got sassy. My mind wasn't "on" yet, not that being foggy headed is an "excuse," just...ugh.
I don't know what to do. My relationship with my parents is..complicated. They think of me as an extremely maniuplative, self-centered, everything wrong individual. Truth? I may have actually been varying degrees of "mentally ill" (not a little bit, either) from a young age. For all my flaws and such, when I think back to who and what I was, especially before my major Break Down (from the pits of Hell...) and subsequent shock "treatments," I'm struck by...how very, very little I understood of the world around me. I lived in a socially isolated, forever stressed, growing crazy-er by the day Bubble.
So...yeah...that's something, too. There were times when I was low IQ, sick as unto death, severely malnourished ((try...just try...to maintain a healthful diet during psychosis...))...and I was just regarded as snot nosed brat.
Now, I have a better IQ estimate, I"m healthy, I eat well and take tons of vitamins....and I'm regarded mostly as "Schizophrenic," althought the shrink is playing nice by calling it "Bipolar I w/psychotic features."
Rambling. I love my parents. I'm also transformed, but...clearly, psychosis is an issue here. I need them, they could save some $$$ by sending me off...somewhere (I don't know -where- , exactly, families put vexing relatives w/ psych labels these days...most of the state hospitals are shut down or downsized...), and this kinda thing...not OK.
I shouldn't have gotten surly and all that. I also...should not be so hyper-sensitive about my dad clearly not believing in genuine, inward transformation, even though...OK, this is a little ridiculous, but bear with me ("suspend your disbelief," you if you will...): I was so -destroyed-, at all levels, that...the way things usually go...I should have died about 10+/- years ago. Not playing.
OK. Please, if you're praying for me, think of my family, too. And thanks, yet again. The people of CFnet have really taught me a good bit, prayed for me, I'm praying for y'all, etc...its a good place, with good people, and I"m increasingly thankful.
((finished, for now))
...he said something like "I appreciate you saying that" and "I appreciate the gesture," and I'm thinking...oh man. --That-- got to me, like I'm still who I was, just...going thru the motions, all that jazz.
Truth is, it was early-ish, I'd been tossing and turning since 2 AM, and...I just got sassy. My mind wasn't "on" yet, not that being foggy headed is an "excuse," just...ugh.
I don't know what to do. My relationship with my parents is..complicated. They think of me as an extremely maniuplative, self-centered, everything wrong individual. Truth? I may have actually been varying degrees of "mentally ill" (not a little bit, either) from a young age. For all my flaws and such, when I think back to who and what I was, especially before my major Break Down (from the pits of Hell...) and subsequent shock "treatments," I'm struck by...how very, very little I understood of the world around me. I lived in a socially isolated, forever stressed, growing crazy-er by the day Bubble.
So...yeah...that's something, too. There were times when I was low IQ, sick as unto death, severely malnourished ((try...just try...to maintain a healthful diet during psychosis...))...and I was just regarded as snot nosed brat.
Now, I have a better IQ estimate, I"m healthy, I eat well and take tons of vitamins....and I'm regarded mostly as "Schizophrenic," althought the shrink is playing nice by calling it "Bipolar I w/psychotic features."
Rambling. I love my parents. I'm also transformed, but...clearly, psychosis is an issue here. I need them, they could save some $$$ by sending me off...somewhere (I don't know -where- , exactly, families put vexing relatives w/ psych labels these days...most of the state hospitals are shut down or downsized...), and this kinda thing...not OK.
I shouldn't have gotten surly and all that. I also...should not be so hyper-sensitive about my dad clearly not believing in genuine, inward transformation, even though...OK, this is a little ridiculous, but bear with me ("suspend your disbelief," you if you will...): I was so -destroyed-, at all levels, that...the way things usually go...I should have died about 10+/- years ago. Not playing.
OK. Please, if you're praying for me, think of my family, too. And thanks, yet again. The people of CFnet have really taught me a good bit, prayed for me, I'm praying for y'all, etc...its a good place, with good people, and I"m increasingly thankful.
((finished, for now))