Right Now I really need some words of wisdom about this breakup in my relationship...

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OK! So I've been dating this girl for over a year now until we broke up three weeks ago... After the breakup she wanted too be " Friends with Romantic Interest " I asked her what the was that ?" And she didn't give me a Response.. I asked a few friends of mines they said its FWB. So now in my mind I'm confused. So Let me go back a week to what was said during the breakup -_-! She said to me that I was too nice, and she felt I needed to be with someone more family Oriented, and be there for me when I need them and that I was too romantic and on top of it all she stated I was too good for her!. Note: I thought and wonder to myself if she was even listening to any of the words she was spitting out because for one she has strong family values and she always been there for me.. Anywho, A few days later after she suggested the whole Friends with Interest I could'nt go through with that nor did I agree to it So she wanted to be just friends I Said " OK " . So we are at work one day and for a whole week we haven't talked to each other in awhile. Now we normally talk on Facebook, but I don't normally get on there alot or I'm to busy. So one day i got on and she deleted me off Facebook! .. So when I confronted her about the whole FB issue she got all defensive about it saying we since we don't talk to each other in person or on Facebook we might as well not be friends and that when we see each other at work we should ignore each other altogether... So now I'm shocked, confused and lost and mad all at once...I said to her " there's been plenty of times we haven't spoken to each other and you didn't have a problem with it before til now!" . So she just shrugged her shoulders like it didn't matter. So i just said to heck with it whatever!......Weeks went by after that Incident we been avoiding each other and completely not seeing or talking to each other period. So far this has been going on for a month. Lately I been noticing her coming around Checking to see if I am there or Standing in a spot acting like she doing something when she clearly spying/stalking me or something. Its like she giving me hints to come and talk to her, but she is not making the effort to come and make peace with me when instead she just being nosy and avoiding me.. I dunno what to do anymore!

What do you guys make of out of this ?


I would talk to her but she gives me cold looks and stares and when the last time I tried to approach her she turns her back on me and walks away like I'm suppose to chase after her....

The reason right now I am not talking to her is that she said that we shouldn't be friends or talk to each other, but she told me that if I wanted to talk to her or make plans to hang out that the ball is in my court to make that move... Makes any sense, right.. No !
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I Use to think that me being a Christian and her being Catholic was the issue, but I'm not sure. She is also 21 and I am 26 btw.


If there is anyone on this forum that can give me some words of wisdom a matter of fact " GODLY WISDOM " please I would so much appreciate your help.

God bless you ^_^

 

[lightx]

Re: Right Now I really need some words of wisdom about this breakup in my relationshi

anybody or somebody have any advice that can help me please! =(

 

[Navigator]

Re: Right Now I really need some words of wisdom about this breakup in my relationshi

Well man, that's tricky. From what you said, honestly, I'd just keep doing what you're doing: ignore, ignore, ignore.

SHE broke up with you for absolute garbage reasons. Too nice? TOO romantic? That just sounds fishy to me. And it's not your responsibility to maintain contact with her, she could have made that effort just as easily, and when she deleted you from Facebook, she seemingly made the decision that she didn't want you to talk to her.

At this point with her being awkward and lurking around, I honestly think she's just trying to test you. She's seeing if you'll pursue you after what she did to you, and you cannot give in to that. She wants you to come back to her, but from the sound of it she doesn't deserve that so don't let it happen. ;)

Good luck and I hope you find someone that won't treat you like that

 

[lightx]

Re: Right Now I really need some words of wisdom about this breakup in my relationshi

thanks for the reply. I wish I would've read this before i approached her last week asking her to be just strictly friends. Simply because I didn't want her getting the impression that I was gonna make her jealous at my job, because another girl showed some interest me in I told myself let me see if my ex wants to be friends because i didn't want it to look like I was doing this to make her jealous. So my plan was if me and ex were to be friends at the job I wouldn't put her through that, but if she rejected my friendship offer I wouldn't have to feel guilty about dating someone else. Sounds Fair right ?


So I went up to her said hey and she said hey back. So i said to her can we talk later or go for a walk on break and she says why later tell me now. I say to her could we be friends ? ( I didn't tell her about another girl nor my plans about if or if not she be my friend.. I just let things play out. Normally and calm ) So She says that didn't work out and we should keep ignoring each other which I nodded and agreed with her and said "OK" and walked away. In a way she didn't expect it to be like that or me walk off so quickly with anything else to say.
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[Annointed1980]

Re: Right Now I really need some words of wisdom about this breakup in my relationshi

Women can be fickle at times.

Working as a CPC I encounter a ton of biblical grey areas for relationship advice. This is definitely one of those instances. My counsel will therefore come from psychology.

First, if a woman says "friends with romantic interest," that is NOT the same as "friends with benefits." She is saying that she wishes for you to pursue her, but for some reason she wants you to feel the threat of losing your relationship.

Secondly, he constant and obvious appearances show she is trying to get your attention. If she starts moving away when you start moving towards her she wants you to chase her.

When a woman says "you are to nice," she obviously doesn't want you being a doormat. Many times (present company included) us "nice" guys tend to get walked on a little. She wants you to be more assertive. If you guys have discussions she wants you to be a man and voice your opinion. If your friend borrows $50 and you need gas, she doesn't want you to just brush it off.

When a woman says "you are to romantic," it isn't a lack of romance she is seeking, it is the fact that you are probably flinging yourself at her. She doesn't want it to be to easy. She needs pursuit and wishes for you to pursue also.

The Facebook thing could easily misconstrue that she doesn't want you talk to her, but in a woman's mind it would seem that she wants you to question it, maybe even show a little jealousy. Women like that kind of thing.

From what you have said, it seems you are a laid-back, go with the flow (not against the grain), easy come-easy go kind of guy. She wants to ruffle your feathers and make your inner man (the tough guy machismo cliche) emerge.

She is trying to drive you wild and rouse your passion for her.

You have one of two options here: pursue or don't.

Did the thing with the other woman happen or not? If not, I suggest you try pursuit if you like this girl. The information provided is a little vague, but based on the provided information, that is my advice.

(Remember the macho/manly cliche women seek isn't really a truly "bad boy" but something a little (I stress little) rough around the edges. Stand your ground and be a pushover. If you go out to eat, chose the restaurant, if you go to a movie, you pick the movie. If she suggests something else, consider it, then say I think I'd rather do my choice. Women long to have a strong man to be subservient to, it is a built in nature from God, and instinct if you will. Show her your man face and roar!Just don't overdo it or go to far out of character, then you'll seem crazy. Gradually build up, you may also like what you can find in yourself.)

 

[lightx]

Re: Right Now I really need some words of wisdom about this breakup in my relationshi

Wow! Awesome reply Anointed!

Some of the stuff you said was very good. Right now I'm starting to regret my choices in how I dealt with them in my situation. Understanding women and what they want is so confusing and annoying to be honest..


With the update on the Ex

She now simply Avoiding me altogether now. Like right now she is making herself less and less visible and staying within her own department on the other side of the building. After that confrontation I did when she rejected my offer as being friends she's been very funny acting and fishy lately, and this has been going on for a month. Also, When New years came around I was in dining room writing things in my journal and she so happened strolled and was cleaning the room. I just ignored her completely and she had her back turned away from me so I took it as don't talk to me. ( (I know your gonna say that was my Que to say happy new years, but if I may add she suggested we ignore each other so I am giving her exactly what she wants. ))


Did I do the right thing or was she hinting for me to say something ?



For Example: Two days ago I walked into room to talk to a few people and show off my art work, and here I saw her walking with her boss in the very same room i was in. She then quickly steps off to the side because she noticed I was in there and hid herself (( Childish, right ...)) So her boss was talking to her i guess and she hiding off to the side where I can't see her and i went about talking to some co-workers and brushed it off.....

Whats the deal with her ?



As for this other girl you asked about I don't know. She suggested in being friends and I agreed. She is another case as-well. She tells me she is talking to someone (( They been talking for two years and Not dating just to add that. This is a long distance relationship as well too. )) So I said That's kool I don't mind being friends. Every now and then we talk but sometimes she'll tease me and I'll do it back, but in a friendly way. To be honest I don't see myself dating her. She seems really nice and fun, but not for me in a way.. I guess sorta in a way I was gonna just date her to get over my ex, but I doubt that would've worked out. So I think just being friends with this girl is the best route for me honestly.


I know this may be alot, but in truth I sorta have some little feelings for this girl, but i'm on the verge of giving up hope that she won't stop with this crap that I will just completely let her go altogether. And when I say little I mean like 10 percent of me still hopes and cares that she may return back to me before I just write her off as a lost cause.

 

[Annointed1980]

Re: Right Now I really need some words of wisdom about this breakup in my relationshi

Rule #1: Never regret anything (don't be a sociopath but with moderation of course), if I regretted everything I have done I'd be a miserable person. Forgive yourself! 1Peter 5:7; Acts 3:19; 1John 1:9 Also be sure to forgive her behaviors (even if they are driving you mad) Ephesians 4:32; Mark 11:25 -- Now would be a good time to drop the "ignoring each other" rule, an inviting smile for the first day or two would be good. Dissimulo ignorantia (ignore ignorance)

I find that in this day and age so many people invest so much time into relationships they walk away from. Many even after intimacy! It is easy to walk away from a relationship, and by today's standards (especially in the U.S. and Europe), most "dating" is technically not scriptural to begin with.

People seem to be seeking that "perfect woman," for the "perfect relationship," in which they can build the "perfect life." They seem to forget that no matter what, no one is perfect, for all have sinned and fall short. Personality typing and all that other stuff in the most of psychology is based in pagan belief and zodiacs, which are also not scriptural. What is my point? My point is that any man, can marry any woman out there, and make the best of it!

Rule #2 You must be willing to work it out!

I married a woman that had been my friend for 9 years. She and I did everything together! One day she approached me and said, "Let's get married." So we did. Everything seemed perfect, she was hot (and blind because she thought I was too... lol), we were best friends, had all the chemistry in the world! Everything seemed great! 9 months later we were separated, and then a year after divorced.

What went wrong? No matter how hard I tried, she didn't want to work it out. Her ideas were all preconceived and she acted on them, there was nothing I could do or say, no evidence I could provide, to shake her from her opinions.

I would see if even now, she is willing to work it out. I would try to catch her off the job (so you don't lose yours, just in case) and ask her if she'd be willing to work it out. Maybe so, maybe not, but at least your not guessing. BE THE MAN, don't wait for her to approach you.

Rule #3: You're 100% wrong!

Not that you really are, but when a person approaches you with the "turn the other cheek, seeking forgiveness" attitude, it's hard to be upset with them. Approach her assertively but with humility. Mind your tongue, no matter what she says to you, speak in a kind and loving voice (stay assertive though, don't sound to wimpy). Smile! (get yourself supped up like you had to in High School when you asked that first girl out) Tell her you have been thinking about things, and you realize that you may have read the signs she was sending initially 100% wrong (she right/you wrong 100%), and if she still has any feelings for you, you would like to give things another try.

If she bites this would be a good time to invite a hug. No kissy-face unless she goes for it first (I wouldn't pull back or anything). Casual and friendly = smooth.

If you get to this point, ask her out for a casual lunch or two before any real dates. Talk, tell her you missed her (don't talk to much about that), but how great things have been in the time you've had. You were able to reconnect with yourself and that was something you needed. You were also able to look at things in a new perspective and see where you may have been going wrong with her.

Now, get her to speak, and try to move the conversation to get her to talk about herself and the things that she would expect from the ideal partner. Take notes. Listen like you've never listened before. Women are good for opening up and telling you exactly what they want.

Rule #4 Don't give her everything at once!

Be sincere in your meeting halfway, but don't jump to the middle point to fast. Let her see that you're evolving to her needs, but not desperate to do so. This will again help pique her desire to chase. When she calls and/or texts, don't jump to respond immediately. Let her anticipate a little. Anticipation makes things sweet, it also buys you time to get your thoughts together.

Rule #5 Think, think, think again, then recap your thoughts: now speak.

Don't let anything flow out your mouth. Even if she gets under your skin. Respectfully withdraw from any conversation going bad. Plan your method of action tactfully, always. I would even suggest, if you wish to use this advice, to write down the main points, figure how to work them into YOUR personality (by this I mean how you can execute them without looking like you got advice from a stranger online, it must come naturally), and how to work them out in your own timeline.

Good luck friend, I will be praying for you. Be sure to let me know if you try this and how it works out for you.

 

[lightx]

Re: Right Now I really need some words of wisdom about this breakup in my relationshi

I Promise I will keep you updated and posted on what will happen. I decide I will talk to her on Saturday and pull her to aside and speak with her off work about us.

But as far as today went she revealed herself at least three times today which I rarely see her do at all...


1st: Was around 7 or 8 when she was at the front desk and I was in my department. So she parks her Cart at the nurses desk and stands there with it then leaves it there! and leaves for a second.( For the record she stood there for a good 5 mins fiddling with whatever on her cart. I took it that she was trying to get my attention.. )


2nd : Second time was when she had to Clean the dining room and such in the facility and Normally she is on time never late. So shes in there i look up and shes looking at me and quickly turned her face away from me and hurried up and got out there..


3rd: It was time to leave and I leave around 2:05. She all of a sudden got my timing down of my departure or something. So as I am leaving I notice she saw me going and quickly turns her back on me.

I just want to add that I was her first and only real long term boyfriend. She had dated other guys, but none of them lasted more then a month. I'm surprised I lasted a year with her. If I didn't already say She is 21 and I am 25. So yeah she is young, yet immature though very bright girl.


Now Anointed I'm a very prideful person and stubborn myself! The advice you gave me is very hard yet challenging.. I already approached her the first time and she shot me down saying " It was best we not talk for the sake of our friend " she thought we were putting our friend through our stress and problems when we went to tell her what was going on with the other....

Any-who! I will tell you what will happen on Saturday seeing this will be the second time me going up too her and possibly looking like a fool once more and desperate in her eyes...