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LaMexicana

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So everyday that I drop off my daughter, I get talked to by her teacher if she catches me. My daughter's name is on the board almost every single day (which is a bad thing) So I've taken away all privilages...no TV, no movies, no candy, no going out to eat and time outs at home. I get talked to everyday about how she's acting. I was so frustrated I yesterday I put her to bed at 7 which is on to two hours earlier than usual. On top of that, we pray everyday and ask Jesus to help her be good. Very frustrating. Any suggestions?
 
Are you sure the teacher's not over reacting or punishing her harshly/unjustly? I worked at a daycare and have seen it happen (even though it was a "christian" daycare).

Just a thought...
 
heather said:
Are you sure the teacher's not over reacting or punishing her harshly/unjustly? I worked at a daycare and have seen it happen (even though it was a "christian" daycare).

Just a thought...
Click to expand...

I've thought about that. I think it's a combination of things. My daughter is a bit younger than the other children plus she doesn't have a dad which she is obsessed with talking about. I think she might feel different from the other children.

The teacher is a bit harsher than most but when she describes my daughter's actions, she describes things I have seen at home as well so I know she's telling the truth.

Her teacher caught me this morning and told me she wanted to sit down and talk about consequences but at the same time, I've taken everything away already. What else can I do, you know? I feel hopeless and like a bad mom.
 
heather said:
It may do her some good to be with children her age. Maybe her preschool can change her class?
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She's very tall for her age so I think people assume and expect more from her but I can tell her maturity level is different. She has been in this class for almost a year now and will stay there for another year until she's almost 6 (she turns 5 on Sept. 9 which is after the cutoff date for kindergarten) by now, the older children will be leaving at the end of the summer and she'll be the older child. The thing is that she knows how to behave and do her work and as soon as the teacher gives up and doesn't give her anymore attention, she's an angel and does what is aked of her. It's very strange.
 
She knows that when she acts up, she gets attention. The teacher should know this. Also, the teacher should be handling situations in class. Don't forget that her attention span is only about 4 1/2 minutes long. You should reinforce what the teacher taught, but not reprimand her. Reiterate what teacher says. The teacher should also know to give her only positive attention. If she scolds her in front of the class for something she does, that's not good either. It teaches her low self-worth. She should set her down, calmly say "you need to stop _______" or "When you do _________, you are disobeying the rules". Then, she shouldn't say anymore. Simply put her in time out, then act as if she isn't there. When she does what she's asked, she should praise her. Negative attention reinforces negative behavior. It's also not too late to nip this in the bud.
 
heather said:
She knows that when she acts up, she gets attention. The teacher should know this. Also, the teacher should be handling situations in class. Don't forget that her attention span is only about 4 1/2 minutes long. You should reinforce what the teacher taught, but not reprimand her. Reiterate what teacher says. The teacher should also know to give her only positive attention. If she scolds her in front of the class for something she does, that's not good either. It teaches her low self-worth. She should set her down, calmly say "you need to stop _______" or "When you do _________, you are disobeying the rules". Then, she shouldn't say anymore. Simply put her in time out, then act as if she isn't there. When she does what she's asked, she should praise her. Negative attention reinforces negative behavior. It's also not too late to nip this in the bud.
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That's very true. I suppose I should find the time to talk to the teacher and talk about this because all I see at the end of the day is her name on the board which drives me crazy! It really puts me in a bad mood and I feel bad for taking everything away. So should I give her a treat after school if she does well and doesn't get her name on the board or wait until she's more consistent in her good behavior.
 
Yes. And when you see the same things at home that the teacher says are a problem, you need to decide if it really is, or if the teacher is nit-picking. Is it a problem if you have to remind her to wash her hands? Or is that not such a big deal? Take what she says with a grain of salt if it really isn't a big issue. Now, I'm not saying to let her get away with every little thing, but really think about it. When you see that there's an issue that the teacher has, take her to the time-out spot, set her down. Get to her level. You don't want to talk down to her and intimidate her. Say "I put you on the naughty step because __________. You will sit here for 5 minutes." Then walk away. If she gets up, don't talk to her but take her back and set her down again until she complete 5 consecutive minutes. Then go back to her and say "I put you in time-out because ____________. I expect better than that. Don't do it again." Then, make her say she's sorry, and tell her you love her and give hugs and kisses. If it continues to be a problem, go to the next step of spanking. Make sure you use a wooden spoon or paddle because she will associate your hand with love and the paddle/spoon with discipline. And again, make sure you tell her why you're spanking her. When your done, remind her why you spanked her, apologies, hugs and kisses, and tell her you love her. Make sure you are always telling her that you love her and to discipline out of love, not anger. This way she knows that you are doing this because you want what's best for her.

Sorry this is so long.
 
heather said:
Yes. And when you see the same things at home that the teacher says are a problem, you need to decide if it really is, or if the teacher is nit-picking. Is it a problem if you have to remind her to wash her hands? Or is that not such a big deal? Take what she says with a grain of salt if it really isn't a big issue. Now, I'm not saying to let her get away with every little thing, but really think about it. When you see that there's an issue that the teacher has, take her to the time-out spot, set her down. Get to her level. You don't want to talk down to her and intimidate her. Say "I put you on the naughty step because __________. You will sit here for 5 minutes." Then walk away. If she gets up, don't talk to her but take her back and set her down again until she complete 5 consecutive minutes. Then go back to her and say "I put you in time-out because ____________. I expect better than that. Don't do it again." Then, make her say she's sorry, and tell her you love her and give hugs and kisses. If it continues to be a problem, go to the next step of spanking. Make sure you use a wooden spoon or paddle because she will associate your hand with love and the paddle/spoon with discipline. And again, make sure you tell her why you're spanking her. When your done, remind her why you spanked her, apologies, hugs and kisses, and tell her you love her. Make sure you are always telling her that you love her and to discipline out of love, not anger. This way she knows that you are doing this because you want what's best for her.

Sorry this is so long.
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No, it's ok, thank you! I do have a temper and I know she picks up all her yelling and screaming from me. I get frustrated and I can't handle it but I know yelling doesn't accomplish anything and I probably seem like a monster to her...always yelling. I do need to be consistent...that's a big problem and I should be more loving. When she's good, I'm very loving but when she's bad, it's easier for me to be cold towards her and that's horrible.

I will practice consistency and work out a plan with the teacher. Maybe even make a star chart at home to reward her good behavior.
 
My mother is raising my 8 year old nephew, and his card is pulled every day at school. Thing is, he loves to talk. He loves people. God made him this way. I advised my mother to tell him that the way God made him isn't bad, that he isn't bad. I told her to explain to him about how systems/groups work, and that she understands the problem and will help him as much as she can to understand how to follow the rules. The important thing is understanding and communication. I agree that the teacher may not jive with your daughter's real needs. Not blaming her, just agreeing that there are dynamics between teachers and children just like there is between any two people of any age. You are your daughter's advocate, though, and she will have many different teachers, and find some rules harder to follow than others, based on her personality. Just let her know you are on her side behind it all.
 
I was just wondering if the thought had crossed your mind that she could be acting out?

In other posts you said you have broken up with your ex and something about your ex getting back with his ex and wanting a kid (forgive me if I have messed that up).

Maybe she is picking up on you being upset or she misses seeing your ex, feeling she had caused it (children feel break-ups is their fault all the time). And is just feeling insecure and acting out? Or she feels you are upset and are secretly blaming her? (although I know it's not true, it may be what she is thinking).

I know when I was a child I was hypersensitive to any changes/moods etc. I would really talk to her, she may not want to open up. But as well as telling her everything is OK, and trying to be positive around her. I would just try and keep giving her a stable, loving environment, showing her especially now you love her, but discipline when she over steps her boundaries.

I pushed my boundaries all the time, but it made me feel secure when they were kept. You may feel like you haven't changed, and show her you love her daily. But talk to her.
 
Ginger said:
I was just wondering if the thought had crossed your mind that she could be acting out?

In other posts you said you have broken up with your ex and something about your ex getting back with his ex and wanting a kid (forgive me if I have messed that up).

Maybe she is picking up on you being upset or she misses seeing your ex, feeling she had caused it (children feel break-ups is their fault all the time). And is just feeling insecure and acting out? Or she feels you are upset and are secretly blaming her? (although I know it's not true, it may be what she is thinking).

I know when I was a child I was hypersensitive to any changes/moods etc. I would really talk to her, she may not want to open up. But as well as telling her everything is OK, and trying to be positive around her. I would just try and keep giving her a stable, loving environment, showing her especially now you love her, but discipline when she over steps her boundaries.

I pushed my boundaries all the time, but it made me feel secure when they were kept. You may feel like you haven't changed, and show her you love her daily. But talk to her.
Click to expand...

Well, like I said, she is obsessed with the daddy idea. In fact last night I was playing volleyball and she started talking to this lady about how she wasn't able to see her daddy. I think she notices she is different from the other children. As for my ex, she hasn't really talked about him. She's mentioned him a couple times and asked why he doesn't come over anymore. She has also asked why I'm mad at him. I don't believe I have shown any sort of anger towards the break up situation...I let it go and tried to continue life as normal but maybe she notices something I haven't?
 
LaMexicana said:
Well, like I said, she is obsessed with the daddy idea. In fact last night I was playing volleyball and she started talking to this lady about how she wasn't able to see her daddy. I think she notices she is different from the other children. As for my ex, she hasn't really talked about him. She's mentioned him a couple times and asked why he doesn't come over anymore. She has also asked why I'm mad at him. I don't believe I have shown any sort of anger towards the break up situation...I let it go and tried to continue life as normal but maybe she notices something I haven't?
Click to expand...

She obviously is - I don't know what it is, but have a good talk with her. She is obviously telling you she misses her dad on top of that, her routine is broken up with your ex not around. Children notice a lot even when we don't believe we are showing anything - your daughter knows you - knows when you are upset.
"letting it go" obviously isn't working for your daughter. Have a talk with her, reassure her, let her voice her concerns and answer them, and not hope they go away or not talk about them. And pray about how you are going to talk to her about her daddy, doing it in a way that doesn't belittle him and making sure your daughter knows it is nothing she did.

I want to reiterate you are not doing anything wrong here - just that children can be very sensitive and pick up on so much.
 
I am sorry, but I think the teacher is acting out! How would she like it if every time she made a mistake, her name got put up on a board for everyone to see. Why not put the names of the children she sees behaving on the board instead. What, has she not had any training?

I have taught Sunday school and the very best way to get the children to behave is to start thanking the ones who are. (ie) Thank you Jason for sitting so quietly, Thank you Jenny for putting the toys away, etc. The rest of the children will follow quickly. Children love to please, but they get overwhelmed quickly and don't know how to break the cycle of misbehaving.

I know your sweet daughter lays in bed at night and tells herself "tomorrow I will be a good girl." I would NEVER tell her she was bad, or tell her to be good, because she is already good, she is just misbehaving.

and Mom... she does have a reason. She is only a little girl and not a little adult. She needs to be told how wonderful she is.

You as an adult find it hard to "be good" you said yourself you yell too much, and of course you do your situation is hard! and it's understandable, but why would you expect it to be easier to "be good" for your little one.

You are her advocate. Tell that teacher to quit writing her name on the board it's obviously not working!
 
I think before taking away any rights and punishing your child, you should try to talk with her about these things.
I know she's young and you may feel she's not mature enough for a talk(I'm not saying you do feel that way, just a possibility) but it's worth a try. And it would be immature for a parent to skip talking to their child and go straight to punishment, really.
So if you haven't talked with her about it, then I think you should try. And I mean talk WITH her, rather than AT her. That involves listening to her as well.

But then again, I'm not a parent so I could be wrong.
 
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