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[__ Prayer __] so..maybe, my situation is like Lazarus'...?

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Christ_empowered

Christ_empowered

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I was sickly to the core for a couple years in my early 20s. I think maybe I had cancer. I know, you're thinking "well, wouldn't someone *know* if you had cancer?"...let me explain...

..in my late teens, I was a wretched, unrepentant sinner. Too much sodomy, too many pills of all flavors. I came home at 19, was involuntarily ECT'd at 20. I used to blame the ECT for everything, but...
...when I was in a mental hospital at 23, one doc said I had lung cancer. Not playing. I was pale, gaunt, my hair was falling out, I had fevers and chills and agitation. They didn't say anything to my parents, though. I thought he might just be messing with me. Shrinks do that stuff to "trouble makers," especially when we're poor and/or unwanted.

I'm kissing close to 30 now, and healthier than ever! This doesn't sit well with people around here. They want me punished for everything I've ever done, basically. People talk about what I was like in high school (!) and stuff that happened 9, 10 years ago.
Now that my mind is clearing, I realize that this whole community watched me die and tormented me while it happened. It wasn't until after I came to repentance 19 months ago that my health returned full force. My mind is still clearing.

I'm no psychologist, but I think that if a community laughs at someone who is clearly dying of something, and then God heals them, which appears to be the case, then that community isn't going to be very happy. At all.

So, this is perfectly frightening, for me. I was a pariah while dying. I'm straight up hated and "not a member of this community" now that I've been made well. My parents...well, my parents, to their credit, kept me alive all these years. I can see why they didn't get me medical care back then--what would they *do* if I had cancer, you know? Treat it and lose more money? Send me to a hospice program?

My neighbor is now talking about me so loud that I can hear him in my bedroom. People are still talking about "federal prison," and I don't know what's going on...

please pray.
 
Christ_empowered said:
I was sickly to the core for a couple years in my early 20s. I think maybe I had cancer. I know, you're thinking "well, wouldn't someone *know* if you had cancer?"...let me explain...

..in my late teens, I was a wretched, unrepentant sinner. Too much sodomy, too many pills of all flavors. I came home at 19, was involuntarily ECT'd at 20. I used to blame the ECT for everything, but...
...when I was in a mental hospital at 23, one doc said I had lung cancer. Not playing. I was pale, gaunt, my hair was falling out, I had fevers and chills and agitation. They didn't say anything to my parents, though. I thought he might just be messing with me. Shrinks do that stuff to "trouble makers," especially when we're poor and/or unwanted.

I'm kissing close to 30 now, and healthier than ever! This doesn't sit well with people around here. They want me punished for everything I've ever done, basically. People talk about what I was like in high school (!) and stuff that happened 9, 10 years ago.
Now that my mind is clearing, I realize that this whole community watched me die and tormented me while it happened. It wasn't until after I came to repentance 19 months ago that my health returned full force. My mind is still clearing.

I'm no psychologist, but I think that if a community laughs at someone who is clearly dying of something, and then God heals them, which appears to be the case, then that community isn't going to be very happy. At all.

So, this is perfectly frightening, for me. I was a pariah while dying. I'm straight up hated and "not a member of this community" now that I've been made well. My parents...well, my parents, to their credit, kept me alive all these years. I can see why they didn't get me medical care back then--what would they *do* if I had cancer, you know? Treat it and lose more money? Send me to a hospice program?

My neighbor is now talking about me so loud that I can hear him in my bedroom. People are still talking about "federal prison," and I don't know what's going on...

please pray.
Click to expand...
I'd hire a new lawyer if the one you now have can't give you the answers to warrants or possible investigations proceeding against you. Being on active probation even your probation officer assigned should be able to help you in this.

Have you ever considered having your parents come to the area where you're hearing voices when it's occurring? And do you have another bedroom you could switch to? I continue in Prayer.
 
hey Eugene,

people have been talking about "federal prison" for a long time now. I just recently started posting about it because I knew that, with my history of mental problems, it'd seem like something stemming from my "issues."

I was in court 7 months ago for a state level misdemeanor, and nothing came up. I was pulled over a couple months ago and nothing came up. I tried talking to my dad about it when I first started hearing people talk about it, and he dismissed it as part of my "illness."

My lawyer is a good one, I think. The judge where I went for sentencing even said "you have an excellent attorney," so I...don't know...what to think, you know? I don't have another bedroom, no.

Ugh. So frustrating...
 
Brother, is there even the remotest possibility voices are a part of the illness you've experienced? I've dealt with many over the years that could even hear voices from a TV accusing them, and thinking aloud with their own voices pointing to them. Most everyone can and has suffered having a dream so vivid and scary that they woke up sweating. It's a short hop, skip, and jump to the imagination becoming just as real depending on the fear controlling them. Alone to my thoughts late at night while playing a video game, when making an error, getting killed, and having forgotten to save just prior to a certain battle, I have hollered at the game in frustration. Real? Of course not, but it can certainly stir emotions.
 
My best bet is that they may well be hallucinations, or people just messing with me because I'm definitely not well liked and everybody in this small town knows I have mental issues.

I take 2 anticonvulsants ("mood stabilizers") and 1 high dose atypical. When it gets really bad, I take a low dose of Risperdal at night to "top off" the meds and that calms me down considerably. Thanks for you insight.
 
Keeping you always in prayer. You have come so far, and God is with you; you will make it through. Just keep your eyes fixed on the wonderful plan that He is unfolding in your life; He will achieve great things for you.
 
Thanks, everyone!

My neighbors--the ones who are always messing with me--are at it again. I just gotta filter them out. When I'm out on the front porch, I use an MP3 player. Clearly, they drink and like to mess with me, lol.
 
Hey again. My fear over this situation comes and goes, waxes and wanes. I'm trying to cultivate (and I pray for a direct touch of) the peace that surpasses all understanding, as well as the perfect love that casteth out all fear.

Scapegoat. That's the word for what I am in this community. Burn out, diseased, sickly, flamer. Scapegoat. Now, Jesus seems to have healed me. I say "seems to " because, clearly, I don't have lab work or CT scans or whatever, but...my hair grew back thicker than ever, my skin is supple and healthy, I'm fat (lol), and my mind has cleared, just in time to turn 3-0.

7 years ago, I tried to go back to school at the same University I did round #1. I was trying to escape this part of the state, where I've been a scapegoat for years, because I was girly in HS and my people didn't matter to anybody (too low on the totem pole). Anyway, my confidential information from various docs--including one at that school--got leaked. Imagine walking around campus and hearing "he's a narcissist!" from some bleached blonde 18 year old sorority girl in your bio lab. Fun times.

Predictably, I went mad. I was also bashed on the head during what I guess was a botched mugging (?). I almost jumped off a bridge. I was sedated, put in a mental hospital, and electroshocked. I hear there was "inappropriate touching" towards me, but I was sedated and had the head injury, so...wow. Who knows, right?

The ECT doc told my dad I'd "never be the same again," and he was right. Back then--actually, until recently--he was right in the predictable sense. A story as old as psychiatry itself: the treatment destroys the patient. Then, God called me to believe upon His son, Jesus. 19 months in, I'm bright eyed, my memories are returning (kind of a mixed bag, lol), and my intellectual ability is mysteriously greater than when I started "psychiatric treatment" (starting IQ: 120 current IQ: I've heard everything from 130s up to 140+).

Apparently, psychiatry is *supposed* to destroy and control "weaklings," (direct quote) so this part of God's work in my life doesn't sit well with people. Going back to baseline mad the shrinks mad enough, you know?

I was never supposed to live this long. I keep hearing that. "A lesson before dying," that's what they were trying to teach me, apparently. I'm supposed to learn a lesson about the "real world" and how (fun word for gay dudes) don't matter. (These are things I've overheard in my town).

I know God did not bring me this far to destroy me, or at least I do in my better moments. Its just....frightening, that's all.
 
Quoting your post: "psychiatry is *supposed* to destroy and control "weaklings," (direct quote)"

How awful. A direct quote from where?? That's really nasty.

You've certainly seen a lot of the nasty side of human nature.

Something that helps me (when I remember to do this!) when people are behaving in a particularly loathesome manner, is to remember that this person is someone that Jesus loved enough to die for. Then I pray that He will let me see what it is in that person that He loves so much, and that he will put His love into me, since I cannot love them on my own. If that makes any sense. Anyhow, it has stopped me from wanting to strangle people several times!
 
For how long and what sort of treatments did the medical professionals use while dealing with your head injury from the attempted mugging, Christ_empowered? Did you pass out? Have a concussion? What long term affects were offered in the treatment? How soon after the head injury were you put into the mental hospital?

Head injuries can be very difficult to 'heal'. Damage, whether temporary or long-lasting, to the brain can trigger responses and behavior that is not typical for the person.
 
Am really saddened to read that it was a shot & some stitches at that time, Christ_empowered.

At the same time, to have witnessed over a period of time all the wondrous movement in your life that our Lord has guided...well, all I can say is His surely does love you!
 
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