[__ Prayer __] so...you used to be a flamer...

[Christ_empowered]

Seriously. I see now why The Bible prohibits both sodomy and effeminacy. There really is a grand design behind the 2 gender system.

Anyway, yeah...I was...disordered. Flamer material from a young age. Lots of stuff behind that (usually is, of course...and no one in the world really cares).

I am no longer. Not a man's man, lol, but...relatively normal. Need to work out. What's strange is that you're darned if you do, darned if you don't. Stay flaming and gender weird and you earn contempt. If you become masculine, at least more masculine...

...God help you!

God is the reason I have an appropriate gender identity. God is the reason I'm alive, in society, and able to type out this sentence. God has shown me compassion when no one on Earth could or would.

So...basically, I just need prayer, as per usual. The neighbors keep taunting me ("federal warrant!" "anywhere but XYZ, he'd be in a state mental hospital!"), as per usual. My masculinity is finally developing. I kind of realize, now, that being a "flamer" is sometimes just as much a "gender role" as being man or woman. Its a role for low status males, one I was kind of socialized into because I was born too pretty, blah blah blah. Anyway, now my masculinity is developing, and all these people--male and female--are all "he can never become a man!" Yeah, that's great, lol. I get it. I'm "stepping out of line" just by becoming normal.

This happens to recovering mentally ill people. I kind of suspect I was a flaming gay in part because of early onset mental issues, too.

This is just the world, I guess...take it or leave it. Good thing my people are behind me, right? Stigmatized people aren't supposed to be helped or heal (much less be healed by Christ). We're supposed to suffer and endure, maybe kill ourselves or march off to a mental hospital. "Poor life choices." And I used to think, way back when, that Christians were judgmental. Pshaw. The world is judgmental, harsh, materialistic, hypocritical, and...

...and I feel stuck. My growing normalcy infuriates people. I have misdemeanor probation here for the foreseeable future. My ex-shrinks consider me a "trouble maker," so I worry what will happen when/if I move away from here.

Ugh....please pray

---I should note: through it all, Christ has been most gracious towards me. That's not the issue. The issue is that, at 30 years old, I realize that my life was more or less over at 15 and essentially done at 19-20. Only the grace of God saw me through to this point. I did commit sins and I did make mistakes. The Lord clearly has seen fit to not only forgive me, but also to give me raw material I could use to *do* something. But the STIGMA...wow...

 

[Eugene]

Only the grace of God brings any of us through through the storms He allows in our lives. I'm sure by now you aware of Job's life. and this is what God said of him to Satan:

Job 2:3 And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? and still he holdeth fast his integrity, although thou movedst me against him, to destroy him without cause.

Job 2:6 And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, he is in thine hand; but save his life.
You are alive, and He isn't finished with you yet. Prayers continue.

 

[AirDancer]

The lovely aspect of all the rough spots of your life thus far, Christ_empowered, is the real promise of a bright future, solely because now you are a child of our Lord God's ! Once you've finished with your degree, you can seek employment beyond the confines of your town. Perhaps another state even.

Our Lord will continue to guide you, to encourage you, and to love you. Of these facts, I have no doubt!

Prayers go forth for you, my friend!

 

[Christ_empowered]

Calmer now. You're right; education opens doors. More importantly, Christ Jesus has seen fit to save and bless me. In time, I should be able to move away and put all this behind me.

 

[AirDancer]

The past serves its purpose in our memory: to know precisely what actions/behaviours we do NOT want to repeat.

The same with the old adage: If we don't study history, we'll repeat what has been in the past.

Progressing forward is the best way to proceed, in accordance to the path our Lord has provided to us

 

[Christ_empowered]

Absolutely. Now, I'm just....the pariah, lol. Can't say I didn't come by it honestly. I hate the way I've been treated, but...(this is probably part of Growing Up)...I realize now that this is just how wretched people are treated in secular society. Effeminate, drug addicted, brain damaged, prematurely aged, sickly sodomites+mental patients don't fare well in mainstream society.

Now, the Q is what am I to *do* ? I'm on misdemeanor probation for the next couple years (at least 2 more years). I feel safe with my family, even though people in this town absolutely despise me. I can't blame them. Just keep on keepin' on, I guess...stay in prayer, of course.

 

[AirDancer]

Don't worry about the people in your town who don't like you. They are to be prayed for, as they do have neither the understanding nor knowledge of our Lord and His ways. Rather sad, those people.

In 2 years' time, you'll be finishing up at Liberty (or perhaps finished), and you'll be working on licensing in your state as well as for other states that you might at that time be considering for potential employment. So the probation will be completed, and you'll be going forward. With prayers, you'll know the direction our Lord has planned for you. Just because you might not know at this point in time is what I call a 'no worries' situation. Our Lord has your future arranged.

 

[Eugene]

If you read the book of Job you'll find that his friends were the ones pointing fingures at him for the treatment he was receiving. He finally realizes that what he has been through was that very real work of God in his life.

Job 23:10 But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Thank you both. Eugene, I always appreciate your insightful, spot on input. The Book of Job has been a difficult one for me because, like so many wretches-turned-believers, I can relate to parts of it. I realize now that a lot of what I went through pre-repentance was probably the work of God in my life, even the parts I'd like to "blame" on Satan and his imps.

People keep screaming. My neighbor, this one guy who openly despises me, is screaming. I was just outside smoking a cigarette (bad, I know) and I heard it, even through my MP3 player. I'm really not looking to get too engaged in this stuff. They keep talking about "Federal Warrants," and I can't do anything. My dad hired an attorney because of my unfortunate, sinful behavior, and I got a misdemeanor through a plea deal. I was in court 9 months ago to plea and there was no mention of additional charges, and this (rather skilled) attorney hasn't said a single thing. This is a small, southern town, so rumors are a big issue. Also, I've been targeted by shrinks because I was ugly, poor, stupid, and an easy target. Anyway, I get the sense that if there was a "federal warrant," I'd be in jail right now. This "federal warrant" talk has been going on for over 1 year.

I was w-r-e-t-c-h-e-d, this is true. I also learned my lesson about a life and world without Christ. I'm hoping and praying for the day when I can do something constructive and productive in a community, somewhere.

 

[AirDancer]

It doesn't take a year to have a federal warrant dealt with when the person on the warrant is so easy to find, Christ_empowered . So next time you hear someone mention a federal warrant, laugh, then say a silent prayer to our Lord that He has blessed and saved you from your past. He brings healing!

 

[Eugene]

The Book of Job has been a difficult one for me because, like so many wretches-turned-believers, I can relate to parts of it.

Hi Brother CE, again this should help bring you to the realization of who the finger pointer really is, and it is you. One step at a time we come to the way Satan works against us, and that is to not forget those things which are behind. If you can see those things Job's friends were accusing him of, and then observe his defense, Job uses the very excuses we all use when faced of what we are outside of Christ. I wrote this following some time ago, and hope it lends comfort to your walk in Jesus.

To me Job had learned many things through the suffering he experienced. When at the first Job defended his righteousness and everything was about him, he now says in Job 40:4 "Behold, I am vile." His pride had been taken from him in Job 40:12, and he repents in Job 42:6.

Back in Job 9:33 Job does not see a "Daysman" (Jesus our mediator) between him and God. Job later declares in Job 23:10, "When He hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." Suffering was bringing its needed cure for Job's life. A far cry from that which he spoke in Job 3:1 as he cursed his day and in Job 3:3 wishing he was never born.

Job 42:3 He says here that he said things he didn't understand or that were too wonderful for him to know. God can sure change our perspectives. Now he is coming to knowing by experience what God is to him.

In Job 42:10 instead of defending himself Job prays for those friends that spoke against him and God turned the captivity he had experienced into blessings. Yes Job's eyes were seeing God and no longer looking at himself.

We are God's workmanship. What a wonderful thing to know we are in His hands, He will never leave nor forsake us, and our eyes will also see those things He is doing as He purifies us is for our good, and God is conforming us into the very image of His dear Son.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Good points, Eugene. For some reason--probably because I had, and still have, some growing up to do--I kind of assumed repentance=some sort of magical, "Touched by An Angel" moment and then everything would be a-OK. The truth seems to be that repentance=the point at which real life begins.