Tough parenting.....

[stepmommy2hg]

Hello everyone. I am new to the forum. I needed a place where I can talk with other christians about things in my life with out having to always defend my faith.

I have an 11year step daughter (SD for short). We have her half the week and her mom the other half. I am a big believer in raising my SD in the way of the Lord. I have been very conflicted with the type of television, movies, and music that my sd has been watching lately. I find myself constantly telling her not to watch something, i.e Gossip Girls. I find it totally wrong and distasteful and disrespectful to God. However, I am wondering how much good it does because I know she will go back to her Mom's and watch/listen to this stuff. I know most of you are like well everyone needs to talk and set the same rules. But SD is very sly about things and her mom is not ontop of things. Also her mom tends to do complete opposite of what I suggest, just to fight. SD's mom has recently become Mormon (about 6 months) So I am hoping when we sit down that I can us the Christian faith with her more. My SD's new favorite band is Blood on the Dance Floor. I was planning on listening to thier songs at work to view them. That was until I looked them up and thier song titles......(I do apologize for the words in the titles)Money and hoes~S my D~well suck me~suicide club. My mouth dropped. There was no way I was listening to these songs at work. I am very upset that SD would even think for one second that these songs are acceptable.

I know this is not really a question but needed to share with other Christians about this situation. I was talking about it at work forgetting they are not Christian. All I got was "oh just let her listen to it." I said , "NO- unacceptable"

Thanks for reading! God Bless

 

[Mike]

Welcome to CFnet.

The Marriage & Parenting Forum is one of my favorite, because my wife and children are my passions, next to the Lord. Thank you for sharing this.

No doubt, you knew what you were inheriting when you committed yourself to your husband, so these can't be very big surprises to you. But just like when people go from living together to being married, they find that this carries so much more work than before. Now you feel like you have a responsibility that you didn't have, and I dare say, you feel like you should have the authority too.

I've never had the responsibility of step-parenting, so I can only go on what I've heard. You're definitely in a tough spot. How does your husband handle this? What does he do and say? I'm sure it is very difficult, but it seems you'll need to find the ability to let him be the father (Hopefully, he's willing.), and support him in it. I know from talking with a friend of mine, you can't play the "I'm your mother now." card. For better or worse, her mother is her mother, and this will only present additional tension. That music sounds awful, but kids go through some crazy phases with music, especially when they're not introduced to more uplifting stuff. With that, I would suggest you ask her father to step in and lay down what is acceptable and not. Show support for him, and show love for your daughter. Let her see the Light in you and want what you have. I KNOW this is difficult to do day-to-day under the same roof. We all probably show less patience to the ones we love that we live with than others, and that's sad.

I'll be very interested to hear more about her father and what his response to all of this is. I've prayed for all four of you, that you will draw on His Wisdom, and her mother will stop drawing from Joseph Smith's wisdom.

Be blessed.

 

[modernnihilst]

let me first say i listened to several of the songs listed on youtube, in terms of lyrical content the band mentioned is not the worst I've heard. However the style of music is something to pay attention to. the style is called "emo" or emotional rock/punk depending on the band. most of the individuals that listen to this style of music are normal people that want some sort of "deeper meaning" in thier music(ie not pop) however I have seen firsthand(i teach martial arts to teens and preteens) some of them take to "cutting" a process of making small cuts with a razorblade on themselves usually somewhere not noticeable. it (hopefully) most likely isnt going to go that far. you may wish to have her father check with her and see if she is ok, pay attention for signs of depression, and becoming severly withdrawn.

i speak from experience as i was a step child who went through some of the affore mentioned things.

 

[felix]

I often ask, how does children have access to television, movies and music without the control of parents in their home?

If you don't express your disagreement for she watching it in your house, it's indirect approval to her. You should NOT allow her to watch anything that is bad. Restrict her access to television, movies, music and internet. If you can't restrict and she being more rebellious or demanding, just destroy those devices by giving other reasons.. like it became repair one by one slowly. You must not allow her to have her own devices like ipod or iphone at that age. These actions will stop her watching those things.

Buy more useful christian and good books for her to read as her entertainment. You should stop doing what you are doing and actively engage with her always and do not allow her to be alone anytime and keep constant watch of her.

I am not sure of what level of parenting you can do for your step, because she is not your child and you often hesitate to rebuke her or use rod to disciple her properly. If you are just considering a temporary parenting, make your house strict.

 

[Danus]

Stick to your guns.

I have two daughters of my own. I'm not sure what it's like to be a steep parent, but listening to some of my friends who are, clearly there is less control. That's just a fact.

That does not mean you can't let them know what is and is not acceptable to you or under your roof. Aside from cutting off television and such, I'm not sure how much you can control it, but I tell my girls what is and is not acceptable to watch or listen to. However, even I know that as they grow up this will be more of a challenge for me.

In the end we still have to develop a positive relationship with our kids if we hope to have any real influence on them, and constantly getting on their case is no way to do that.

I'd suggest tell here where you stand, try to control it as best you can, and look for ways to connect.

I tell my girls I am their father first, but I am also their friend. I father them, but I look for ways to connect. That's all I can do aside from prayer.

 

[reba]

Step parenting i have never had to do.... From the outside looking in this child is her father's responsibility. Totally just my thoughts.... S mom... she kisses the booboos, make cookies with the child, goes to school plays, baseball games, helps shop.... Dad needs to be a father. We women can get int he way of men by trying to hard.. We allow them to slack off.

 

[stepmommy2hg]

Thank you for the replies. My husband is on the same page as I am and has had a talk with SD. However, trying to address the issue with her mom is another story, especially with her moms current husband.(another thread)

We do not have TV where she can watch any show and any time. We have netflix at our house and the internet. She has a cell phone at our house, but it can not stream video or music so that is a plus.

However, at her mom's house, she has acces to television, I pod, cell phone that streams music and video. What is lacking is the amount of parenting in the house.

SD and I have a mother daughter relationship. I have been with my husband and in her life for 9 years. Her mother is always trying to compete with me (she has made choices that effected her relationship with sd. That is a completely different thread.) instead of acting as a parent. My husband and I are just trying to raise SD the right way but it is very difficult. We obviously need to sit down and talk with her mom but it will 95% most likely not go well. SD's mom and current husband are more interested in attacking me (verbally) and fighting with us. That is why I am hoping to play the christian card. This music, tv, movies are not right with God. That way if they try to attacking me, I can back it up with bible verses and God's will.

Thank you again for the replies. It is truely a blessing to have such wonderful brothers and sisters in the Lord to talk with. God Bless

 

[reba]

We?.

We obviously need to sit down and talk with her mom but it will 95% most likely not go well.

 

[handy]

If you and your husband think it will help to talk with your SD's mom and step-dad..go ahead.

I don't exactly get from your posts that it will though. It almost sounds as if you're opening yourself up to further attack by your SD's mom...not something that is healthy for anyone, least of all your SD.

Are you really sure that this is the stuff you want to sweat? You are talking about TV shows here...

You said, " I find myself constantly telling her not to watch something, i.e Gossip Girls. I find it totally wrong and distasteful and disrespectful to God. However, I am wondering how much good it does because I know she will go back to her Mom's and watch/listen to this stuff."

Here's the thing...this is just fact...if she wants to watch these shows at her mom's...she's going to...and there isn't a thing you can do about that. Your daughter is getting older...if she wants to watch these shows period, she probably will...either at her mom's, at a friend's...at home when you and your husband aren't around.

The best you can do is to first make it non-negotiable that she isn't allowed to watch these shows in your home. Period. You worry that it wont do much good, but really it does...it provides a standard for her and that's what parenting is all about. Even if she watches them anyway, she knows from you that it's beneath the standard. She's at an age when she needs to start developing discernment...she needs to start being able to see for herself why some things are just not worth watching or listening to...and the best way for her to do that is to have you sit down with her and explain to her why these shows are not OK for her. (They give a totally skewed vision of what relationships, sex, and life is all about...they make sin seem not only OK...but something to be celebrated...etc.) Give her the information she needs to make these decisions for herself...but also maintain the rule that these shows are not OK in your house...no matter where else she might view them. Be sure that she is also being given good information about sex, relationships, all the things these shows talk about. She wants to watch them because she is growing very interested in these things. Provide for her plenty of shows and songs that affirm Christian values in sex and relationships and always be ready to discuss these issues from the godly perspective with her. Don't tell her, "You're too young"...believe me, at 11, she isn't.

Myself...I would never go into another woman's house and try to dictate to her what shows or music or anything is to be allowed and what she can let her own daughter watch...that is WWIII brewing...and getting your daughter in between that kind of fighting is going to be far more harmful than viewing some questionable shows.

My .02...