What can i do now? I'm wreckd!

[Castano]

Dear christians,before i become born again,i got a girl pregnant and had to marry her because i wanted the baby but not the mother.but i felt my love for her will grow as times go on but that didn't happen.when i became born again,i discoverd she's pulling my christian life back because her background and attitude.i'm suffering now day and night living with a woman i don't love and i wish i was never married.psychologically i am wrecked as i'm suffring in silence and can't tell her i don't love her.i know God frowns at divorce but i have to find a way out as i'v had several nervous breakdown cause of this.i'm a lovable man that loves to take care and pamper women like queens.in the past,i'v imagined kissing my wife's feet 7 times in the morning and wash her hair and just do wonderful things to her but i can't do that to my wife cause i don't love her.what can i do?

 

[heather]

Castano,

Please remember that love is not a feeling we have. It isn't the warm fuzzies. Love is a choice we make everyday. I choose to love my husband every morning when I rise and every night when I sleep. I choose to love him when I don't fantasize about other men or when I think of only him when we are kissing. I choose to love him by the actions that I have, not by the feeling in my heart or belly.

1 Corinthians tells us exactly what love is: patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, humble (not proud), polite (not rude), others-centered (not self-seeking), calm (not easily angered), and forgiving (keeping no records of wrong). Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always preservers. Love never fails.

I promise that if you spend adequate time in prayer and in the Word, asking God to instill love in your heart for your wife, He will. I promise if you choose to love her, and you come to God every day with a heart that seeks to love her like God loves her, things will get easier in time. Not today, and not tomorrow, but down the road. Pray that God would soften your heart to the choice of loving your wife and your wife alone. More importantly, pray that God shows you His love for her.

It reminds me how God sent His son for us. He loved us so much that He wanted to protect us from sin and give us an option out. He sent Jesus to show us the love He had/has for us and to use as an example of how to love others. Do you think that Jesus loved the sin of the prostitute? NO! But He loved her. So He was forgiving (a choice, mind you) and showed her the love He had for her.

Be always in prayer and always choosing love over anger. Choose to preserver, since it won't always be easy to choose to love. Choose to hope, since it may seem hopeless at times. Remember to let Christ be your hope. Choose to protect the unity that you have with your wife. Choose to be patient and to be kind.

I hope that helps. If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask!

Heather.

 

[walter]

Dear christians,before i become born again,i got a girl pregnant and had to marry her because i wanted the baby but not the mother.but i felt my love for her will grow as times go on but that didn't happen.when i became born again,i discoverd she's pulling my christian life back because her background and attitude.i'm suffering now day and night living with a woman i don't love and i wish i was never married.psychologically i am wrecked as i'm suffring in silence and can't tell her i don't love her.i know God frowns at divorce but i have to find a way out as i'v had several nervous breakdown cause of this.i'm a lovable man that loves to take care and pamper women like queens.in the past,i'v imagined kissing my wife's feet 7 times in the morning and wash her hair and just do wonderful things to her but i can't do that to my wife cause i don't love her.what can i do?

I suggest doing some research into what the bible really says about divorce. The church has mislead many people.

 

[Castano]

Please what does the bible say about divorce?can some1 point to references?

 

[Fembot]

Castano,

I believe heather said most of what I would say. That was very good Heather. Might I add that you should sit down and list the reasons why you have good thoughts about your wife and why you feel that you don't love her. Sometimes each person in the marriage has a different idea on what the other needs. If your needs aren't being met then you have to be vocal about it. See if she is willing to focus on your needs as much as you will focus on hers.
Why do you feel that you don't love your wife? Could it be for superficial reasons? (appearance, financial issues) You may find some touching reminders of why you were attracted to her in the first place by writing down the reasons why you courted her and ended up being intimate with her. If it was just physical then that is a change you need to make. Since earthly things are not of the Lord, perhaps you can remind yourself that your family is more important than earthly desires. Your child needs a loving home with two parents. If you are definitely going to love your child and not your wife, it will show. So, sit down and think about consequences and the reasons why you made a decision you now seem to regret. Don't let the devil mislead you into leaving your family in the dust like so many do nowadays. It's not healthy. Neither is pretending to love someone.

1 Corinthians tells us exactly what love is: patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, humble (not proud), polite (not rude), others-centered (not self-seeking), calm (not easily angered), and forgiving (keeping no records of wrong). Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always preservers. Love never fails.

 

[jasoncran]

Please what does the bible say about divorce?can some1 point to references?

first i'll pray for you, like you my wife isn't interested in the Lord and but aslo had a pot habit and i felt the need to divorce , i told her i was going to leave and she stopped the pot thing, while she hasnt come to the lord, God hasn't led me to leave but rather told me bluntly what about your sin ?, you dont love her enough(it's hard to share this, and I wont tell you the sin, but it has effected the marriage and it aint infedility or drugs). So when i heard that i decided that i'm no better than my wife and need to change as well and show mercy and pray and recieve the proper love. None of that is easy and my marriage aint the most perfect one either, but we are still together, Hope this helps

jason

 

[Castano]

Thank God i joined this forum.i'm happy with all answers so far.i wouldnt say i haven't done many of what you all advised but i'll give it a shot again cause divorce is not realy my first option.u're right about the finance part,i've been jobless and broke for a while but i do like to sing and pray and thank God even in my joblessnes but all she does is complain

 

[Fembot]

Thank God i joined this forum.i'm happy with all answers so far.i wouldnt say i haven't done many of what you all advised but i'll give it a shot again cause divorce is not realy my first option.u're right about the finance part,i've been jobless and broke for a while but i do like to sing and pray and thank God even in my joblessnes but all she does is complain

Then perhaps you can let her know how her complaining makes you feel. Also, that you are trying your best and feel badly about the situation, as well. Maybe she can assist you in your search to take some stress off of your shoulders...Sometimes you have to take what you can get or do extra around the house to show her you're willing to do what it takes to provode-know what I mean?

 

[heather]

Fembot has a good idea here, but it must be approached carefully. Be careful not to lay blame on her. Bring it back to yourself. Say something like, "I understand that sometimes you get frustrated, but when you continually gripe about it I feel put down." Avoid saying "you always..." or "you never..." and give her a chance to answer. If you don't you will effectively shut the conversation (and your wife) down before it has begun.

Good luck.

 

[GojuBrian]

Watch that Kirk Cameron movie Fireproof and get the book The Love Dare!!

It will help tremendously. God Bless.


btw,

that was great advice by Heather and Fembot.

 

[follower of Christ]

What Heather said...

Castano,

Please remember that love is not a feeling we have. It isn't the warm fuzzies. Love is a choice we make everyday. I choose to love my husband every morning when I rise and every night when I sleep. I choose to love him when I don't fantasize about other men or when I think of only him when we are kissing. I choose to love him by the actions that I have, not by the feeling in my heart or belly.

Heather.

 

[Carol Anne]

Castano, I am praying for you. I agree with most of the advice that has already been given to you and have a couple more things to add. If you and your wife go to counseling at your church, a pastor may be able to help by suggesting ways for you to improve your marriage and figure out what steps both of you need to take to live better Christian lives and to nurture your child in the healthiest environment possible.

 

[Paccls]

Please what does the bible say about divorce?can some1 point to references?

Greetings Castano.

I was hoping walter would respond to your request, but I see he did not. I do, however, agree with his advice.

In general, there is a single cause by which God allows divorce between two people in the marriage union. Adultery, sexual immorality or fornication, Matt 19:9. There is also revelation concerning one who puts away his wife for another reason. God's law states simply that even though one puts away his wife for any cause, other than the exception, he is still amenable to the law of marriage;

Rom 7:1-3
7 Or do you not know, brethren (for I speak to those who know the law), that the law has dominion over a man as long as he lives?
2 For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband.
3 So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.
NKJV

My advice is to study, study and study with much prayer.

 

[tweety1]

I agree 100% with walter the church has indeed mislead many in whast the bible says about marriage. Of course the bible is taken out of context to serve many differnt peoples motives I can assure that no where in the bible have I read that Love is not a feeling you have, because that is the exact definition of LOVE- a feeling. I have also never read anywhere in the bible where it says that you must stayed married to the detriment of your own well being. The bible is Gods word, God is unchanging, he is the same now as he was at the beginning. Over and over we are told to love and care for each other. If you are ending a marriage do to selfishness, adulterous thoughts etc, of course it is wrong in the lords eyes and sinful, however if you are in fear for your life, or well being, the God I know and love would never lead his lamb to slaughter, for lack of a better phrase. I do agree you must pray for his guidance and truly listen putting all earthly wants aside. He will never steer you wrong, although you may not always understand his ways I assure you he always does what is best. I will be praying for you