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What do you look for in a prospective wife?
- Thread starter Fembot
- Start date
A good wife and other impossible things...
Greetings Miss Fembot!
Thank you for opening this thread. The subject is kinda dear to me these days.
"What do I look for in a prospective wife?"
Have you ever seen the movie The Princess Bride?
Billy Crystal and Carol Kane are in it and they play Miracle Max and his wife, remember?
I love the one line where she says, "I'm not a witch I'm your wife!"
What it Ain't
That's a pretty strange digression perhaps for a Christian Forum but I do like the idea of being able to grow old together. This more than anything has been my lifetime qualifier for a spouse. What do you look for in a 30 year old man or woman to indicate their ability to grow old gracefully and to be able to remain faithful and find a place of contentment with their spouse? The problem that I face (and what has tripped me up in the past) is that I can find no indicators (speaking like a little scientist here) but no indicator for that quality or characteristic. It isn't how tall nor the color of their eye; it isn't how smart or if they have a degree at Harvard; it isn't how successful they are in the world, right?
But maybe it is their ability to content themselves in the situation(s) they find themselves in. I didn't have that wisdom in my youth though. That's the time when I was actually "looking for a prospective wife" ---> in the time of my youth. Recently (after the ruin of divorce) I've learned to become content in the Lord and where I find myself. So much that there was a halt to the "search" for a spouse. You've heard it before, "I didn't find her (or him) until I stopped looking..."
Please pardon my next digression but I think it's critical to understanding certain issues.
Me First
What I needed to do and had failed to do was to turn from all sin in my life utterly and to depart wrongful actions. I needed to stop willful sin. I needed to get my relationship right with the Lord first, you see? The whole thing about looking for fidelity and faithfulness and the ability to remain committed in a relationship when I looked outward toward others was true enough for me but in reality ---> it was me not hearing it right <--- as the Lord counseled me. I twisted what I heard so that when He said, "I desire YOU, my son -- to turn from all idolatry and sin," what I "heard" was "This is a good quality for a wife, no wonder the Proverbs say something like, "A good wife who can find?"
Suffice it to say that for me to be able to receive the gift that the Lord had prepared for me I first needed to be prepared myself. Okay, thanks for listening while the ol' man rambled on a bit... I'll try to answer more directly about what has recently happened to me. You see, the Lord has been waiting for me and has been wanting to give me something (my future spouse) for a long time and I am rejoicing before Him for His longsuffering and His patience and His faithfulness.
"The Appointed Time"
There I was learning to be content in the Lord and thinking that it would be okay to admit that being single and in love with God is everything that I need. I was waking in the morning (each morning) with His mercy refreshed and renewed on me and on my life. My prayers were ascending to heaven and there was confirmation of them being answered and each day was created by my God, my Father, my Lord --> I was struggling still with a couple sins but as they "came into my sights" [guy talk - the sights of my spiritual guns and faith and as I was claiming the victory] the Lord showed me that He had worked my conviction to His purpose. It was a victory shout against sin that I had struggled against and came only as I fully repented from any of my learned backslidder behaviors. That too may be seen as "beside the point" but I maintain that it is exactly the point. I needed to mend my relationship with our Father before I could be made ready to receive the love of a good and godly woman. It was still "Me First". Time to wash the inside of the cup. <But still... over there... what is this? Almost like the smallest whisper of hope directly into my ear. Thus came her voice.>
Being "Content in the Lord and not Contention with my Brothers" <oh, how we love to argue, right?> was my motto and the first thing that I "noticed", the first thing that drew my eye (I wasn't looking -- but there was something lovely and almost irresistible about it) was that she and I had something I called "Potential Agreement". I had long known and heralded the proverb, "Two can not walk together unless they are in Agreement."
Can we Walk Together?
We (she and I) began speaking and our courtship began <even without our knowing it>. One conversation stands out from many - the one about Agreement. A story was told of a couple who were standing outside their tenement building and she wanted to go to the local playground to the North while he wanted to visit the small neighborhood store to the South. As they each took a step to their chosen direction they found that they were drawing apart. It was simply true that two could not walk together without agreement. When he spoke to her about his real destination --that is, heaven, and when he spoke about drawing nigh unto the Lord she understood the allegory and responded from the heart.
Could IT BE?
As our conversation continued and we spoke more and more about God certain things appeared to me. There is an old saying, "Even a blind chicken can occasionally stumble upon a kernel of corn," and my heart began to rejoice at the strange and wonderful thing that was happening. The woman thought that the man (me) was acceptable and said that she had been praying for more than 16 years for somebody like me. Can we spell flabbergasted? I can't <without a spel checker> but the point is that I was floored by the Goodness of God. Seemed to me that if God was giving me that which I had prayed for and about throughout my lifetime and if she too were doing what it looked like --offering her hand to me that I might court her... if this were actually happening? What kind of fool would I be to not accept?
No man hates himself <so the Bible says> and we all love ourselves, right? Why would I turn down the best possible thing that could happen? Why would I refuse to accept the gift of heaven just because it was impossible? I won't, believe me I won't. I've been trained and prepared to accept answers to prayer that are exceedingly abundantly given over my asking and over my expectation in small matters, why not do the same in large matters? Bless God!
So, back to my story --We had started speaking about God and that particular conversation never ended. Of course the "conversation" has progressed from Private Messages on the forum here to Instant Messenger chatting. The other thing that we discovered that we were both looking for (the other main qualifier we shared in agreement) was a desire for true holiness in a partner and spouse. I didn't want any "store-bought" fakey fakey holiness but only the real Sanctification that could come from God Himself and this was exactly the same expectation she held and would not settle for anything less than. It is the key element for the "three stranded cord" we hear about. We need Agreement between each other, certainly, but moreso we need the blessing of our Heavenly Father. Yes, the One that searches the hearts and knows all hidden things. This is the agreement then: That more than anything we both desire to please the Lord.
Blessings to you, Fembot! I call them for you and into your relationships.
I'll consider opening another thread in the recent future because my God is working in me for my son another truth that I'll maybe want to share. Please don't take offense by me calling Him "mine" --If you know me you also know that I'm not being exclusive. He's YOURS too, of course.
~Sparrowhawke
PS: Her name is ShesHisOwn, she is a moderator here on the forum, and we haven't met in person (yet). My practical side thinks that seeing the hand I wish to ask for is needful (because it is). Before we can officially begin courting we do plan on meeting and being introduced to family members but in truth I am courting her even now. This (my response here to your question) is part of our courtship and I will again thank you for this opportunity.
Greetings Miss Fembot!
Thank you for opening this thread. The subject is kinda dear to me these days.
"What do I look for in a prospective wife?"
Have you ever seen the movie The Princess Bride?
Billy Crystal and Carol Kane are in it and they play Miracle Max and his wife, remember?
I love the one line where she says, "I'm not a witch I'm your wife!"
What it Ain't
That's a pretty strange digression perhaps for a Christian Forum but I do like the idea of being able to grow old together. This more than anything has been my lifetime qualifier for a spouse. What do you look for in a 30 year old man or woman to indicate their ability to grow old gracefully and to be able to remain faithful and find a place of contentment with their spouse? The problem that I face (and what has tripped me up in the past) is that I can find no indicators (speaking like a little scientist here) but no indicator for that quality or characteristic. It isn't how tall nor the color of their eye; it isn't how smart or if they have a degree at Harvard; it isn't how successful they are in the world, right?
But maybe it is their ability to content themselves in the situation(s) they find themselves in. I didn't have that wisdom in my youth though. That's the time when I was actually "looking for a prospective wife" ---> in the time of my youth. Recently (after the ruin of divorce) I've learned to become content in the Lord and where I find myself. So much that there was a halt to the "search" for a spouse. You've heard it before, "I didn't find her (or him) until I stopped looking..."
Please pardon my next digression but I think it's critical to understanding certain issues.
Me First
What I needed to do and had failed to do was to turn from all sin in my life utterly and to depart wrongful actions. I needed to stop willful sin. I needed to get my relationship right with the Lord first, you see? The whole thing about looking for fidelity and faithfulness and the ability to remain committed in a relationship when I looked outward toward others was true enough for me but in reality ---> it was me not hearing it right <--- as the Lord counseled me. I twisted what I heard so that when He said, "I desire YOU, my son -- to turn from all idolatry and sin," what I "heard" was "This is a good quality for a wife, no wonder the Proverbs say something like, "A good wife who can find?"
Suffice it to say that for me to be able to receive the gift that the Lord had prepared for me I first needed to be prepared myself. Okay, thanks for listening while the ol' man rambled on a bit... I'll try to answer more directly about what has recently happened to me. You see, the Lord has been waiting for me and has been wanting to give me something (my future spouse) for a long time and I am rejoicing before Him for His longsuffering and His patience and His faithfulness.
"The Appointed Time"
There I was learning to be content in the Lord and thinking that it would be okay to admit that being single and in love with God is everything that I need. I was waking in the morning (each morning) with His mercy refreshed and renewed on me and on my life. My prayers were ascending to heaven and there was confirmation of them being answered and each day was created by my God, my Father, my Lord --> I was struggling still with a couple sins but as they "came into my sights" [guy talk - the sights of my spiritual guns and faith and as I was claiming the victory] the Lord showed me that He had worked my conviction to His purpose. It was a victory shout against sin that I had struggled against and came only as I fully repented from any of my learned backslidder behaviors. That too may be seen as "beside the point" but I maintain that it is exactly the point. I needed to mend my relationship with our Father before I could be made ready to receive the love of a good and godly woman. It was still "Me First". Time to wash the inside of the cup. <But still... over there... what is this? Almost like the smallest whisper of hope directly into my ear. Thus came her voice.>
Being "Content in the Lord and not Contention with my Brothers" <oh, how we love to argue, right?> was my motto and the first thing that I "noticed", the first thing that drew my eye (I wasn't looking -- but there was something lovely and almost irresistible about it) was that she and I had something I called "Potential Agreement". I had long known and heralded the proverb, "Two can not walk together unless they are in Agreement."
Can we Walk Together?
We (she and I) began speaking and our courtship began <even without our knowing it>. One conversation stands out from many - the one about Agreement. A story was told of a couple who were standing outside their tenement building and she wanted to go to the local playground to the North while he wanted to visit the small neighborhood store to the South. As they each took a step to their chosen direction they found that they were drawing apart. It was simply true that two could not walk together without agreement. When he spoke to her about his real destination --that is, heaven, and when he spoke about drawing nigh unto the Lord she understood the allegory and responded from the heart.
Could IT BE?
As our conversation continued and we spoke more and more about God certain things appeared to me. There is an old saying, "Even a blind chicken can occasionally stumble upon a kernel of corn," and my heart began to rejoice at the strange and wonderful thing that was happening. The woman thought that the man (me) was acceptable and said that she had been praying for more than 16 years for somebody like me. Can we spell flabbergasted? I can't <without a spel checker> but the point is that I was floored by the Goodness of God. Seemed to me that if God was giving me that which I had prayed for and about throughout my lifetime and if she too were doing what it looked like --offering her hand to me that I might court her... if this were actually happening? What kind of fool would I be to not accept?
No man hates himself <so the Bible says> and we all love ourselves, right? Why would I turn down the best possible thing that could happen? Why would I refuse to accept the gift of heaven just because it was impossible? I won't, believe me I won't. I've been trained and prepared to accept answers to prayer that are exceedingly abundantly given over my asking and over my expectation in small matters, why not do the same in large matters? Bless God!
So, back to my story --We had started speaking about God and that particular conversation never ended. Of course the "conversation" has progressed from Private Messages on the forum here to Instant Messenger chatting. The other thing that we discovered that we were both looking for (the other main qualifier we shared in agreement) was a desire for true holiness in a partner and spouse. I didn't want any "store-bought" fakey fakey holiness but only the real Sanctification that could come from God Himself and this was exactly the same expectation she held and would not settle for anything less than. It is the key element for the "three stranded cord" we hear about. We need Agreement between each other, certainly, but moreso we need the blessing of our Heavenly Father. Yes, the One that searches the hearts and knows all hidden things. This is the agreement then: That more than anything we both desire to please the Lord.
Blessings to you, Fembot! I call them for you and into your relationships.
I'll consider opening another thread in the recent future because my God is working in me for my son another truth that I'll maybe want to share. Please don't take offense by me calling Him "mine" --If you know me you also know that I'm not being exclusive. He's YOURS too, of course.
~Sparrowhawke
PS: Her name is ShesHisOwn, she is a moderator here on the forum, and we haven't met in person (yet). My practical side thinks that seeing the hand I wish to ask for is needful (because it is). Before we can officially begin courting we do plan on meeting and being introduced to family members but in truth I am courting her even now. This (my response here to your question) is part of our courtship and I will again thank you for this opportunity.
J
justvisiting
Guest
That was really quite a hilarious reaction. :rolling No I am not looking for a wife.JoJo said::
Eh? Wat's dat?
Yer arsking wat maks for a good prospector's wife?
Well she's goots ta has goot strong hands, dats fer sure.
An a goot pair o' boots too. Waterproof.
And she shouldn't git soggy easy too.
Standin' and pannin' for gold all day in a stream with da bears ain't for the dainty flower, now is it?
~Sparrow
Yer arsking wat maks for a good prospector's wife?
Well she's goots ta has goot strong hands, dats fer sure.
An a goot pair o' boots too. Waterproof.
And she shouldn't git soggy easy too.
Standin' and pannin' for gold all day in a stream with da bears ain't for the dainty flower, now is it?
~Sparrow
nyc christian
Member
I want an honest, God fearing woman - that has not been in too many relationships and a woman that has waited. She has to be well educated otherwise she would find me a bit boring lol She has to be feminine and affectionate.
Im rocking shades like a secret agent lol
Im rocking shades like a secret agent lol
Fembot
Member
nyc christian said:I want an honest, God fearing woman - that has not been in too many relationships and a woman that has waited. She has to be well educated otherwise she would find me a bit boring lol She has to be feminine and affectionate.
Goodluck.
K
kimberlyb0112
Guest
Fembot said:
lol that is funny.. yes, if the guy is in the army.. you most likely WON'T get that call everyday! haha
I do dream of "the one" being out there for me.. but it's just so hard.. I have alot of plans for my career
and I have alot going on right now (esp. the whole "being in Afghanistan" part..I know it wont happen any time soon lol)
I have been in the army for almost two years.. and since I have been, I have had boyfriends.. none serious..I am waiting and everything and the guys I date understand that..plus all the guys I date are in the military because I am never around civilian guys at all.. but I hope when "the one" does come that he is a civilian! lol
But it's like meet a guy.. hang out, watch movies, go out to eat.. all that good stuff and then
when deployments come up, or the guy is PCS'ing then its the 'understood' breakup.. because you know how it is..it sucks, but you definitly learn to keep your distance and keep your guard up
There is one guy that I have known for almost a year, he is so respectful and so great!..we used to go on dates and we still trade emails.. and he tells me he loves me and I do believe him (and yes..I say it back because I do) but i went to afghanistan in December, and then he went to Iraq the next August.. and then I am going to Fort Sam Houston in February so I will probably never see him again
and yeah..thats just how the army is I guess, distant relationships and breakups..
There really was no point in me saying all this.. just venting i guess lol
and if any of you are thinking of joining the army... STOP!
and THINK very carefully about what you are going to do..
then SLAP yourself..
haha jk
Nick
Member
What do I look for in a prospective wife?
The most important thing: A God-fearing woman who is strong in her Faith, and that has God at the centre of her life, so in our marraige we can both glorify God and help each other grow in our faith and walk with Jesus.
It's nice if we have some things in common, but it's also nice to have some space apart as well.
In terms of looks - I don't have any specific 'specifications' really - just whatever I get 'attracted to', and I can't define what I get attracted to in terms of looks becasue I look beneath the surface. Beneath the surface will stay the same, the outside may not.
P.S.
Sparrow! That's wonderful news!
The most important thing: A God-fearing woman who is strong in her Faith, and that has God at the centre of her life, so in our marraige we can both glorify God and help each other grow in our faith and walk with Jesus.
It's nice if we have some things in common, but it's also nice to have some space apart as well.
In terms of looks - I don't have any specific 'specifications' really - just whatever I get 'attracted to', and I can't define what I get attracted to in terms of looks becasue I look beneath the surface. Beneath the surface will stay the same, the outside may not.
P.S.
Sparrow! That's wonderful news!
sheshisown
Member
Nick~
Though you did not express your congrats to me also, I hope it is okay with you for me to take advantage of your words to Sparrow to say thank you...
I am so pleased and blessed in ALL our Lord is doing as He works in us both through this time of friendship and (sort of dating). It truly IS wonderful ~ I am filled with wonder daily as I look to His eye for the work he is doing in and between us.
May our Jesus bless you one day with your hearts desires for a wife Nick~ :heart
sheshisown~
Though you did not express your congrats to me also, I hope it is okay with you for me to take advantage of your words to Sparrow to say thank you...
I am so pleased and blessed in ALL our Lord is doing as He works in us both through this time of friendship and (sort of dating). It truly IS wonderful ~ I am filled with wonder daily as I look to His eye for the work he is doing in and between us.
May our Jesus bless you one day with your hearts desires for a wife Nick~ :heart
sheshisown~
Nick
Member
sheshisown -sheshisown said:Nick~
Though you did not express your congrats to me also, I hope it is okay with you for me to take advantage of your words to Sparrow to say thank you...
I am so pleased and blessed in ALL our Lord is doing as He works in us both through this time of friendship and (sort of dating). It truly IS wonderful ~ I am filled with wonder daily as I look to His eye for the work he is doing in and between us.
May our Jesus bless you one day with your hearts desires for a wife Nick~ :heart
sheshisown~
I apologise for not congratulating you - I don't know why I didn't.
So please take my words of congratulations now!
You have met a fine man who is strong in the Lord!-Nick
What I look for in a woman:
Spiritually: Some morals. Not getting my hopes too high.
Physically: Good looking enough not to make excuses to avoid all cameras. Not so skinny I can see all her bones... preferably thin enough to see her own feet.
Mentally: I'm really holding out for a decent personality. Nerdy is a big bonus. A three digit IQ certainly would be nice. Someone not entirely self-infatuated. And someone who's at least mildly attracted to me in return.
... never gonna happen though.
... luckily that's what working's for. If I have nothing better to do than work... eventually I'll have enough money to buy the affection of someone who "really wants those shoes."
(was supposed to be an edit, not a quote)
Spiritually: Some morals. Not getting my hopes too high.
Physically: Good looking enough not to make excuses to avoid all cameras. Not so skinny I can see all her bones... preferably thin enough to see her own feet.
Mentally: I'm really holding out for a decent personality. Nerdy is a big bonus. A three digit IQ certainly would be nice. Someone not entirely self-infatuated. And someone who's at least mildly attracted to me in return.
... never gonna happen though.
... luckily that's what working's for. If I have nothing better to do than work... eventually I'll have enough money to buy the affection of someone who "really wants those shoes."
(was supposed to be an edit, not a quote)
NestForASparrow
Member
She has to belong to the Church (aka be a Christian) and it would help if she also attends the Church I attend. Be around my same age...within a few years or so.
I would also like her to like being in the great outdoors.
I am attracted to black hair.
But really, it is who God has called me to spend the rest of my life. He knows who is best for me.
I would also like her to like being in the great outdoors.
I am attracted to black hair.
But really, it is who God has called me to spend the rest of my life. He knows who is best for me.
jasoncran said:
It stands to reason that the more compatible the faith, the better. Obviously, I'm not going to try to marry and raise children with someone who adamantly disagrees with my understanding of the bible and tells my kids that I'm a blasphemer for not being a trinitarian. That wouldn't exactly be conducive of a healthy relationship.
However, when I was in college, I did marry a girl that wasn't a JW. She wasn't particularly religious in the first place, but she had an interest, was kind, and seemed to have good morals. ... only after we got married did she decide to mention that she refused to ever have children, and if she ever did get pregnant, she'd abort it and not even tell me (for the record, JWs aren't "required" to make babies. But, having a family is something important to me, personally). Then I caught her cheating... forgave her. She got mad at me for forgiving her because she claimed I shouldn't have been mad in the first place because "what she did with her body is none of my business." Luckily I got it annulled on the basis that the marriage was never consummated... since she kept going out "consummating" with other people. So, that's nice.
So, I know from experience that JWs can marry non-JWs. Unfortunately, I know from experience the wisdom behind 2 Corinthians 6:14. Some may seem nice at first and go crazy bipolar on you. Not to suggest that all JWs are perfect... just less likely to sleep around and threaten to kill your children. I'm a very patient person... and I like a little bit of "crazy." ... just not that much.