handy
Member
My best friend has been through several years of hell. In the past three years her family has had to weather:
Her daughter being sexually exploited by her youth leader at the church.
The subsequent police investigation, trial and sentencing.
The fact that the church they were faithful members of for the past 30 years sided with the youth leader, more or less forcing them to change churches.
Her daughter's handling of the situation by cutting and becoming addicted to prescription drugs.
Her being diagnosed with a rare liver disease, making it necessary for her to quit her job, in spite of the rough economic times.
The subsequent thousands of dollars in medical bills.
Her brother being arrested, tried and sentenced for sexual misconduct.
Her sister-in-law being in a motorcycle accident, suffering severe brain damage and limited recovery.
Her niece and nephew spinning totally out-of-control with their mom in intensive care and their father in jail.
The death of her father-in-law, who was not only well-loved but also the head of the family business.
The imminent bankruptcy of the family business.
The fact that her husband's brother and nephew, who now control the family business, is cheating them out of thousands of dollars so that when the dairy goes bankrupt, they'll come out OK, even if little brother/uncle doesn't.
The "turned out good, but nonetheless stressful" reunions of their daughter with her birth mother and their son with his birth mother and his birth father.
...and, as of this morning, the admission of their 19 year old son that he is an alcoholic, but that he isn't going to get any help, but just drink himself to death.
Throughout all of this, my best friend and her husband have remained wholly faithful to God.
The thing is, my best friend has had to shoulder most of the burdens of all this. Her husband, the "little brother" on the family dairy, simply just goes out and rides the tractor or fixes some equipment and essentially only comes in the house when things are quiet. It's been up to my friend to deal with the kids when they were out-of-control, or just needing solid parenting. It's also been up to her to contact lawyers, meet with police, meet with financial advisers to see how they are going to live if the dairy goes down, make appointments, go to court dates, set up meetings with birth families, drive kids to counseling, build bridges when family members get mad at each other, etc. etc. etc.
The one thing her hubby did that truly was an example of him "being there" was that when the court sentenced the youth leader, they all went to the church leadership and talked over how the church basically threw their daughter under the bus.
But, other than that, he simply checks out. He even sat there during a dairy meeting and allowed his nephew and his nephew's wife to call my best friend a b**** and tell her that she was stupid. Didn't say one word.
My best friend's parents divorced because of her father's alcoholism. Then, her mother married another alcoholic and she had to live in that situation until she and I moved into a little apartment when we were 18. Both her father and her step-father died of alcohol related illnesses.
The one thing that my best friend truly does not want to cope with is another alcoholic, and last night their son came home drunk, locked himself into his room, and passed out.
Her husband walked out the door this morning to do some stuff around the dairy, leaving my friend to cope with their son once he woke up.
We wives are meant to be the "helpmeets". We are meant to follow our husband's leadership and help accomplish what needs to be done. But, in my friend's marriage, she shoulder's all of this stuff, while her hubby goes out and tinkers on dairy equipment.
She called me this morning and I suggested that she and her husband get some professional counseling on how to handle their son so that he doesn't continue to manipulate them. His threat is that if they don't continue to allow him to live there, drive their truck and pay his bills, he will drink himself to death, or get drunk and drive the truck off a cliff. This was said when he was sober this morning and dad was *chirp**chirp*
She is already in professional counseling. She has also already told her husband how much she needs him to take the reins here. She has even talked with pastors about the need for him to take the reins. But, it's clear that he won't and most likely is incapable of doing so. He's already been pretty adamant that he won't join her in any counseling.
I've tried to be a good friend in all of this. I've spent countless hours on the phone, just letting her vent, offered whatever insight I could, prayed for her, and done what I could even though I live in a different state.
Any insights as to what could be helpful here? The only thing I can think of that would truly help her is for her husband to step up to the plate and deal with the son. But, I don't think that will be forthcoming.
She truly sounds pretty much at the end of her rope. She has always been there for me in any trial in my life...how can I be there for her now that her very worst nightmare has come true?
Her daughter being sexually exploited by her youth leader at the church.
The subsequent police investigation, trial and sentencing.
The fact that the church they were faithful members of for the past 30 years sided with the youth leader, more or less forcing them to change churches.
Her daughter's handling of the situation by cutting and becoming addicted to prescription drugs.
Her being diagnosed with a rare liver disease, making it necessary for her to quit her job, in spite of the rough economic times.
The subsequent thousands of dollars in medical bills.
Her brother being arrested, tried and sentenced for sexual misconduct.
Her sister-in-law being in a motorcycle accident, suffering severe brain damage and limited recovery.
Her niece and nephew spinning totally out-of-control with their mom in intensive care and their father in jail.
The death of her father-in-law, who was not only well-loved but also the head of the family business.
The imminent bankruptcy of the family business.
The fact that her husband's brother and nephew, who now control the family business, is cheating them out of thousands of dollars so that when the dairy goes bankrupt, they'll come out OK, even if little brother/uncle doesn't.
The "turned out good, but nonetheless stressful" reunions of their daughter with her birth mother and their son with his birth mother and his birth father.
...and, as of this morning, the admission of their 19 year old son that he is an alcoholic, but that he isn't going to get any help, but just drink himself to death.
Throughout all of this, my best friend and her husband have remained wholly faithful to God.
The thing is, my best friend has had to shoulder most of the burdens of all this. Her husband, the "little brother" on the family dairy, simply just goes out and rides the tractor or fixes some equipment and essentially only comes in the house when things are quiet. It's been up to my friend to deal with the kids when they were out-of-control, or just needing solid parenting. It's also been up to her to contact lawyers, meet with police, meet with financial advisers to see how they are going to live if the dairy goes down, make appointments, go to court dates, set up meetings with birth families, drive kids to counseling, build bridges when family members get mad at each other, etc. etc. etc.
The one thing her hubby did that truly was an example of him "being there" was that when the court sentenced the youth leader, they all went to the church leadership and talked over how the church basically threw their daughter under the bus.
But, other than that, he simply checks out. He even sat there during a dairy meeting and allowed his nephew and his nephew's wife to call my best friend a b**** and tell her that she was stupid. Didn't say one word.
My best friend's parents divorced because of her father's alcoholism. Then, her mother married another alcoholic and she had to live in that situation until she and I moved into a little apartment when we were 18. Both her father and her step-father died of alcohol related illnesses.
The one thing that my best friend truly does not want to cope with is another alcoholic, and last night their son came home drunk, locked himself into his room, and passed out.
Her husband walked out the door this morning to do some stuff around the dairy, leaving my friend to cope with their son once he woke up.
We wives are meant to be the "helpmeets". We are meant to follow our husband's leadership and help accomplish what needs to be done. But, in my friend's marriage, she shoulder's all of this stuff, while her hubby goes out and tinkers on dairy equipment.
She called me this morning and I suggested that she and her husband get some professional counseling on how to handle their son so that he doesn't continue to manipulate them. His threat is that if they don't continue to allow him to live there, drive their truck and pay his bills, he will drink himself to death, or get drunk and drive the truck off a cliff. This was said when he was sober this morning and dad was *chirp**chirp*
She is already in professional counseling. She has also already told her husband how much she needs him to take the reins here. She has even talked with pastors about the need for him to take the reins. But, it's clear that he won't and most likely is incapable of doing so. He's already been pretty adamant that he won't join her in any counseling.
I've tried to be a good friend in all of this. I've spent countless hours on the phone, just letting her vent, offered whatever insight I could, prayed for her, and done what I could even though I live in a different state.
Any insights as to what could be helpful here? The only thing I can think of that would truly help her is for her husband to step up to the plate and deal with the son. But, I don't think that will be forthcoming.
She truly sounds pretty much at the end of her rope. She has always been there for me in any trial in my life...how can I be there for her now that her very worst nightmare has come true?
