Christ_empowered
Member
its me. yes, yet again. 
but, this time...its a testimony post. I'm 37, now. I came to -truly- Know Jesus (and therefore...Know change...) at age 28. Back then, I was regarded as a "dirty, over the hill flamer...," living at or maybe barely (just barely!) above poverty, supported by my (loving, long suffering, hard working) parents who were -understandably- estranged. I'd moved back to my general hometown area less than 2 years prior. no college degree, all sorts of psych labels and fairly recently erased arrests, and...I was facing a felony carrying a max of 15 years in prison. ugh.
Thankfully, Jesus moved on my heart, while I was in that little apartment over a garage...He provided sense enough, lucidity enough, for me to say my very best, DIY Sinner's Prayer, and...
did I mention the part about facing a potential max of 15 years? I was on bond, because my (again: loving, long suffering, understandably furious and estranged) parents had both recently earned big promotions and such, so they were moving out of the middle class and into the well to do range, which...
has proven to be a -massive- blessing for them (and for me, too, obviously), but...conflict, oh man...conflict. mama had seen fit to bond me out, get a good lawyer. And then...
pretty much within 1 or 2 weeks after my DIY Sinner's prayer, things just got...too, too intense. the drug dealer across the street openly yelled about "shoot that (fun word for a gay dude) !," etc. I moved into my parents' house. Thankfully -- and against all odds, I see now -- my parents -let me- move in with them. I was angry, broken, in need of serious repentance and redemption and really...Jesus.
Bond continued for almost 1 year. Maybe a couple of days short of leaving the detention center on bond, I came to a sentencing hearing with my father in tow. Following an -intense- sentencing hearing (the judge was icy, aloof...the intensity mainly came from the prosecutor...-eek- ....), I was given a suspended sentence and probation. Basically...the point of that sort of a sentence is to encourage compliance with probation, because violating probation could, potentially, bring the entire suspended sentence into play. At any rate...
Instead of a felony with a max of 15 years, I pled guilty to a "class A" misdemeanor, which in my state carries a maximum of 3 years in prison (I think other states...let's call them -normal states- ...don't have such a quirky legal system...), and at the time that meant a max of 5 years probation. Thankfully, I was well-behaved on probation, and I was released 2 years early with no fanfare, whatsoever (my dad had to call the lawyer to get an official letter from the probation people to confirm that I had, in fact, been released from probation....). And now...
bumps in the road, mainly...me, but also just: life, happening, this side of eternity. mama retired, at long last. Dad is now part time, and he earned another big promotion before transitioning to his flexible, part time position, now. I've been living -here- (indicates modest, but quite nice, place that is safe, clean, and even has house plants!) for about 3 1/2 years, now. By the grace of God, this place came open at a good deal just in the nick of time, and...yeah. yeah. God -is- Good. So are my amazing, long suffering parents.
A long, long time ago (16 years!), I tested + for HIV+. Private psych facility, no treatment offered, no post-diagnosis counseling or referral. Apparently, they wanted to put me in a homeless shelter for "humbling experiences...." and my parents (thankfully) nixed that idea. That may be what prompted the "experts" at the facility to do more involuntary shock "treatments" and some sort of (also involuntary) operation. I didn't know about all that until I was given a brain scan a couple of years later, in another city. new nickname: "Frankenstein." ugh. Psychiatry...what fun...
So, I still haven't been given a single prescription for HIV-treatment or actually...not even treatment for the health problems I had that were probably related to HIV+, in some way or another. Happens, I guess? did to me, anyway. and now...
Jesus is merciful, thank God. I'm...boringly healthy. lol. That's the thing...prematurely aged and haggard and sick...that's what the mix of my own sins and "the way the world works" had for me. Jesus spared me, brought me to repentance, and now?
Healthy. I do take loads of vitamins and antioxidants. Now that I've been made healthy, I think...they seem to help me stay calm(er), my low moods are less severe, my sleep is more restful and sound, and my allergies are -vastly- improved. so, there's that. but I highly doubt mega-vitamins cured me of...the existence that came before Jesus. I see that, now.
At 37, I apparently look 30-32. nothing freakish. I think of it as...being "...washed and made clean...," in the here and now, even physically. "Miracle" ? I do think God has seen fit to "..put off the old, put on the new..." in my life...in ways so that I am now -- as "new creation, in Christ Jesus..." -- healthy and smart (apparently, I have a high IQ estimate), and -not- haggard, -not- prematurely aged, all that...
"miracle" ? Act of God. Jesus is very much the same now as He was 2,000 years ago, to my mind.
Conflict...I suppose is to be expected? I'm -now- labeled as "severely mentally ill," with "Schizophrenia" as the going community-wide label. Is it....accurate? -shrug- Its strange...supposedly, back when I was flamboyantly gay and weird and such, I had a 120 IQ. Going by "the experts," that would mean...bright, smart enough for most occupations, not quite brilliant or anything. Smarter end of normal(ish), I suppose. And I remember hearing whispers, then full on voices, in HS...
and being prescribed pills and then more pills and pills and more...and, basically, now I hear I have an IQ estimate of 140-150 and I'm supposedly "severely mentally ill," but voices and such have not really been a big problem in a good, long while, now. "mood swings" are relative...mainly deep, deep downturns (getting better, thank God) and occasional upswings into this zone of anxiety and energy and more activity, with an under-current of unease and tension. what to call that? who listens to "mental patients," anyway? -shrug-
my parents are kind to me, thank God. at 37, most people are not as close to their parents as I am to mine. God is Good. My parents are amazing.
Lots of people in my general area know about the HIV+, about my psych history, about things that were erased from the official criminal record, and...
predictably (I see now...), they laughed until Jesus intervened. Now? Now, I often sense...real, intense, seething contempt. I am writing this as an upstairs neighbor just finished stomping overhead. I've overheard people in that unit talking about my psych labels and HIV+ and my parents social class and such, and...
ugh. frustrating, even frightening, at times. Today, I visited my parents in their little town, and some men out in a neighbors' yard were yelling, loudly enough even for mama to take notice (she was showing me some thing she and dad had done in the yard), and...???
is the push back against The Lord's work in my parents' live and my life getting worse, more intense? Is it just that...in my case, I have never been convicted of a felony, never been to prison, never been committed, never been to the state hospital, and now...well, maybe the more open contempt is what happens when The Lord sees fit to set -me- free from such intense bondage, and those around me can't "put him away" (direct quote from locals all over the area, lol), stuff like that? -shrug-
"...perfect love casteth out -all fear- ..."
By His grace, I'm...getting there, day by day.
Thanks, as always.
but, this time...its a testimony post. I'm 37, now. I came to -truly- Know Jesus (and therefore...Know change...) at age 28. Back then, I was regarded as a "dirty, over the hill flamer...," living at or maybe barely (just barely!) above poverty, supported by my (loving, long suffering, hard working) parents who were -understandably- estranged. I'd moved back to my general hometown area less than 2 years prior. no college degree, all sorts of psych labels and fairly recently erased arrests, and...I was facing a felony carrying a max of 15 years in prison. ugh.
Thankfully, Jesus moved on my heart, while I was in that little apartment over a garage...He provided sense enough, lucidity enough, for me to say my very best, DIY Sinner's Prayer, and...
did I mention the part about facing a potential max of 15 years? I was on bond, because my (again: loving, long suffering, understandably furious and estranged) parents had both recently earned big promotions and such, so they were moving out of the middle class and into the well to do range, which...
has proven to be a -massive- blessing for them (and for me, too, obviously), but...conflict, oh man...conflict. mama had seen fit to bond me out, get a good lawyer. And then...
pretty much within 1 or 2 weeks after my DIY Sinner's prayer, things just got...too, too intense. the drug dealer across the street openly yelled about "shoot that (fun word for a gay dude) !," etc. I moved into my parents' house. Thankfully -- and against all odds, I see now -- my parents -let me- move in with them. I was angry, broken, in need of serious repentance and redemption and really...Jesus.
Bond continued for almost 1 year. Maybe a couple of days short of leaving the detention center on bond, I came to a sentencing hearing with my father in tow. Following an -intense- sentencing hearing (the judge was icy, aloof...the intensity mainly came from the prosecutor...-eek- ....), I was given a suspended sentence and probation. Basically...the point of that sort of a sentence is to encourage compliance with probation, because violating probation could, potentially, bring the entire suspended sentence into play. At any rate...
Instead of a felony with a max of 15 years, I pled guilty to a "class A" misdemeanor, which in my state carries a maximum of 3 years in prison (I think other states...let's call them -normal states- ...don't have such a quirky legal system...), and at the time that meant a max of 5 years probation. Thankfully, I was well-behaved on probation, and I was released 2 years early with no fanfare, whatsoever (my dad had to call the lawyer to get an official letter from the probation people to confirm that I had, in fact, been released from probation....). And now...
bumps in the road, mainly...me, but also just: life, happening, this side of eternity. mama retired, at long last. Dad is now part time, and he earned another big promotion before transitioning to his flexible, part time position, now. I've been living -here- (indicates modest, but quite nice, place that is safe, clean, and even has house plants!) for about 3 1/2 years, now. By the grace of God, this place came open at a good deal just in the nick of time, and...yeah. yeah. God -is- Good. So are my amazing, long suffering parents.
A long, long time ago (16 years!), I tested + for HIV+. Private psych facility, no treatment offered, no post-diagnosis counseling or referral. Apparently, they wanted to put me in a homeless shelter for "humbling experiences...." and my parents (thankfully) nixed that idea. That may be what prompted the "experts" at the facility to do more involuntary shock "treatments" and some sort of (also involuntary) operation. I didn't know about all that until I was given a brain scan a couple of years later, in another city. new nickname: "Frankenstein." ugh. Psychiatry...what fun...
So, I still haven't been given a single prescription for HIV-treatment or actually...not even treatment for the health problems I had that were probably related to HIV+, in some way or another. Happens, I guess? did to me, anyway. and now...
Jesus is merciful, thank God. I'm...boringly healthy. lol. That's the thing...prematurely aged and haggard and sick...that's what the mix of my own sins and "the way the world works" had for me. Jesus spared me, brought me to repentance, and now?
Healthy. I do take loads of vitamins and antioxidants. Now that I've been made healthy, I think...they seem to help me stay calm(er), my low moods are less severe, my sleep is more restful and sound, and my allergies are -vastly- improved. so, there's that. but I highly doubt mega-vitamins cured me of...the existence that came before Jesus. I see that, now.
At 37, I apparently look 30-32. nothing freakish. I think of it as...being "...washed and made clean...," in the here and now, even physically. "Miracle" ? I do think God has seen fit to "..put off the old, put on the new..." in my life...in ways so that I am now -- as "new creation, in Christ Jesus..." -- healthy and smart (apparently, I have a high IQ estimate), and -not- haggard, -not- prematurely aged, all that...
"miracle" ? Act of God. Jesus is very much the same now as He was 2,000 years ago, to my mind.
Conflict...I suppose is to be expected? I'm -now- labeled as "severely mentally ill," with "Schizophrenia" as the going community-wide label. Is it....accurate? -shrug- Its strange...supposedly, back when I was flamboyantly gay and weird and such, I had a 120 IQ. Going by "the experts," that would mean...bright, smart enough for most occupations, not quite brilliant or anything. Smarter end of normal(ish), I suppose. And I remember hearing whispers, then full on voices, in HS...
and being prescribed pills and then more pills and pills and more...and, basically, now I hear I have an IQ estimate of 140-150 and I'm supposedly "severely mentally ill," but voices and such have not really been a big problem in a good, long while, now. "mood swings" are relative...mainly deep, deep downturns (getting better, thank God) and occasional upswings into this zone of anxiety and energy and more activity, with an under-current of unease and tension. what to call that? who listens to "mental patients," anyway? -shrug-
my parents are kind to me, thank God. at 37, most people are not as close to their parents as I am to mine. God is Good. My parents are amazing.
Lots of people in my general area know about the HIV+, about my psych history, about things that were erased from the official criminal record, and...
predictably (I see now...), they laughed until Jesus intervened. Now? Now, I often sense...real, intense, seething contempt. I am writing this as an upstairs neighbor just finished stomping overhead. I've overheard people in that unit talking about my psych labels and HIV+ and my parents social class and such, and...
ugh. frustrating, even frightening, at times. Today, I visited my parents in their little town, and some men out in a neighbors' yard were yelling, loudly enough even for mama to take notice (she was showing me some thing she and dad had done in the yard), and...???
is the push back against The Lord's work in my parents' live and my life getting worse, more intense? Is it just that...in my case, I have never been convicted of a felony, never been to prison, never been committed, never been to the state hospital, and now...well, maybe the more open contempt is what happens when The Lord sees fit to set -me- free from such intense bondage, and those around me can't "put him away" (direct quote from locals all over the area, lol), stuff like that? -shrug-
"...perfect love casteth out -all fear- ..."
By His grace, I'm...getting there, day by day.
Thanks, as always.
