I'm wrestling with my conscience and with God over sin. I know the better way is to throw down all sin as soon as it is seen but both sins are addictive in nature and have clung to me all of my lifetime.
Addictive Sin(s):
The first that I'll speak to I want to consider a "finished work" but since I have not yet walked for a sufficient length of time I can not feel right in declaring the victory. I have more than 16 years as a recovering and now recovered alcoholic under my belt so I know what I'm talking about when I speak about addictive sin. The sin that I consider a "finished work" is sexual sin, not alcoholism and the same principles apply. I remember all too well that day before I was to go to my 1 year anniversary at my AA meetings and the deception that can come. It was a temptation that at the time was subtle. All I needed to do was sneak one drink and not tell anybody and then go to the AA meeting and get my coin and eat the cake. And this came 1 day before my 1st year of sobriety. I prayed about it and was clearly shown the deception (and the subtly of the attack through my inner thoughts). Today I am confident that I could go to a bar (but why should I?) and sit for any length of time with as many as who would offering to buy me drinks but I would not feel temptation. It really is a "finished work" and I am very thankful to God who has accomplished this in me.
Sexual Sin:
I have read in Job about the covenant that he had with his eye and know that there is destruction to the wicked and a strange punishment to workers of iniquity. God sees my ways and counts my steps. I desire to be weighed in an even balance that God may know my integrity and iniquity, that I may be truly healed in all my ways, in my whole heart and in my whole mind and to set everything that I have upon Him and Him alone. I want to become His instrument and have the breath of the Almighty flow though me as my song to Him is sung. There is no more room in me for tiny arguments about cravings and addictions and flesh and I clearly need to deny myself and follow (chase) after Him.
Wrestling:
And yet... today I do not have sufficient time between me and sexual sin in my past. My eye has lead me toward willful lust in the flesh and that strong desire has yielded sin which resulted in death. I was not able to run to my Father in heaven because sin and guilt would block me. Yet I knew that He was still with me and would never leave me. Today the doors and gates to heaven are open and there is a remembered feeling and assurance within me now where I know there could still be future temptation but it is my feeling (knowledge in Christ?) that I will be able to stand, resist and overcome. I'll freely admit that this might be partly due to a natural process that happens (and for which I am thankful) to men as they get older.
The Connection:
So there is the most shameful sin that has been recently active in me. I am thanking the lord for His deliverance and walking in it. At the same time that I have been struggling throughout my life (my first sexual experience was when I was 15) I have also been addicted to smoking cigarettes. I started that filthy habit when I was 13 and strangely it was tied to sexual sin also. Back then (in the late 50's and early 60's) it was considered cool to smoke and I remember seeing James Bond 007 being a role model. He got girls and he smoked. Simple, right?
Okay today was struggling with my conscience and thought, "Should I be sure the inside of the cup is clean before I clean the outside?" "Should I make certain that my adulterous heart is free from sexual sin (the inside) before I clean the appearance on the outside (smoking)?"
I've never so clearly seen the connection between these two things except this moment, as I write even now, while following my friends advice, "Sometimes it helps to write things down, Sparrow," and I don't mind giving credit where it is due. Thank you Fembot for that. My thanks go out to the others who have and are covering me with their prayers and lifting me to our Father. There are several here on this forum and they know who they are, so does our God who says clearly, "I will repay".
I understood from the Lord that I would be happier if I would have quit when I was 39 years old and had the opportunity. What I heard wasn't more than the still, small voice and I knew which way to go but didn't. So today as I reasoned with myself and debated and after being thankful I went to get "one last bit of the weed tobacco". As I drove out the driveway, I stopped, turned back and parked my car again. I understood that it would be best for me to quit right that second. But then the old argument, "Clean the inside first, not the outside," came into my head.
Being a Respecter of Persons:
I make no pretense about smoking even when I speak to pastors or other church authorities. To me, if God sees me do it what do I care about the thoughts of man? I've been taught to not be a respecter of persons in this and know that God works in all things for the good of those who love Him. But there is no more use of this and it is only a burden to me now. Part of me is afraid because I've never been to a place of holiness in reality. I don't want to shy back but it is FLESH that I'm dealing with and I'm sure everyone here knows what that means. I just realized this moment that I am breaking my own rule about not being a respecter of persons because I live in an apartment and not my own house anymore. I draw my shades to smoke inside and am fearful that somebody might discover me and get me kicked out of my dwelling place.
Asking for Prayer:
So I'm asking those whom I trust and am getting to know and love here and yes, I'm asking strangers to consider the matter and to lift their hearts in prayer for me about it. God is indeed greater than my heart (which condemns me) and I have grace which is sufficient but I have not heard from Him what was said to Paul when he sought God three times about the thorn in his flesh. I have not heard Him say, "My Grace is Sufficient for thee," but only "You will be happier (if you quit)."
I know that my Paraclete argues for me, "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."
I am able to pray about this and my prayers do not descend back to my breast but it is a personal struggle and I am glad that I am drawn under strong conviction and ask him to continue to purge me with hyssop if that is what is needed, but also to do what-so-ever I need because I want to be like Him, not only for me but also for every saint I meet and know and love.
Please understand that this is no small matter to me and accept my thanks as you join in this my prayer. I suspect that my judgment (which I prize) is effected and I am reasoning exactly opposite what is good and right for me. Saying that I'll stay in the "small" while I defeat the "large" and saying let's clean the inside (the hidden) before the outside (what's seen by men) may seem wise - but shouldn't I rather sweep it all away at once?
I'm thinking that the only way that I can have this defeated is if I come in both the Will and Name of God and with the prayers of the saints. I take it as a simple matter of faith and believe on the word that when we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to cleanse us and purge us from all unrighteousness. I would also like to ask for prayer that I be given the ability to fully pay for any smoke damage that has been caused by my sin and that other things which do not occur to me at the moment (but God knows) will also be taken care of for me by the Grace that I am unwilling to put toward emptiness. The "other thing that might not occur to me would of course include healing the damage that I have inflicted to my lungs and body which Is His Temple. I zealously want this to be a "house of prayer."
Departing, I shall depart.
~Sparrowhawke
And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us: And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him. If any man see his brother sin a sin which is not unto death, he shall ask, and he shall give him life for them that sin not unto death. There is a sin unto death: I do not say that he shall pray for it. All unrighteousness is sin: and there is a sin not unto death.
Addictive Sin(s):
The first that I'll speak to I want to consider a "finished work" but since I have not yet walked for a sufficient length of time I can not feel right in declaring the victory. I have more than 16 years as a recovering and now recovered alcoholic under my belt so I know what I'm talking about when I speak about addictive sin. The sin that I consider a "finished work" is sexual sin, not alcoholism and the same principles apply. I remember all too well that day before I was to go to my 1 year anniversary at my AA meetings and the deception that can come. It was a temptation that at the time was subtle. All I needed to do was sneak one drink and not tell anybody and then go to the AA meeting and get my coin and eat the cake. And this came 1 day before my 1st year of sobriety. I prayed about it and was clearly shown the deception (and the subtly of the attack through my inner thoughts). Today I am confident that I could go to a bar (but why should I?) and sit for any length of time with as many as who would offering to buy me drinks but I would not feel temptation. It really is a "finished work" and I am very thankful to God who has accomplished this in me.
Sexual Sin:
I have read in Job about the covenant that he had with his eye and know that there is destruction to the wicked and a strange punishment to workers of iniquity. God sees my ways and counts my steps. I desire to be weighed in an even balance that God may know my integrity and iniquity, that I may be truly healed in all my ways, in my whole heart and in my whole mind and to set everything that I have upon Him and Him alone. I want to become His instrument and have the breath of the Almighty flow though me as my song to Him is sung. There is no more room in me for tiny arguments about cravings and addictions and flesh and I clearly need to deny myself and follow (chase) after Him.
Wrestling:
And yet... today I do not have sufficient time between me and sexual sin in my past. My eye has lead me toward willful lust in the flesh and that strong desire has yielded sin which resulted in death. I was not able to run to my Father in heaven because sin and guilt would block me. Yet I knew that He was still with me and would never leave me. Today the doors and gates to heaven are open and there is a remembered feeling and assurance within me now where I know there could still be future temptation but it is my feeling (knowledge in Christ?) that I will be able to stand, resist and overcome. I'll freely admit that this might be partly due to a natural process that happens (and for which I am thankful) to men as they get older.
The Connection:
So there is the most shameful sin that has been recently active in me. I am thanking the lord for His deliverance and walking in it. At the same time that I have been struggling throughout my life (my first sexual experience was when I was 15) I have also been addicted to smoking cigarettes. I started that filthy habit when I was 13 and strangely it was tied to sexual sin also. Back then (in the late 50's and early 60's) it was considered cool to smoke and I remember seeing James Bond 007 being a role model. He got girls and he smoked. Simple, right?
Okay today was struggling with my conscience and thought, "Should I be sure the inside of the cup is clean before I clean the outside?" "Should I make certain that my adulterous heart is free from sexual sin (the inside) before I clean the appearance on the outside (smoking)?"
I've never so clearly seen the connection between these two things except this moment, as I write even now, while following my friends advice, "Sometimes it helps to write things down, Sparrow," and I don't mind giving credit where it is due. Thank you Fembot for that. My thanks go out to the others who have and are covering me with their prayers and lifting me to our Father. There are several here on this forum and they know who they are, so does our God who says clearly, "I will repay".
I understood from the Lord that I would be happier if I would have quit when I was 39 years old and had the opportunity. What I heard wasn't more than the still, small voice and I knew which way to go but didn't. So today as I reasoned with myself and debated and after being thankful I went to get "one last bit of the weed tobacco". As I drove out the driveway, I stopped, turned back and parked my car again. I understood that it would be best for me to quit right that second. But then the old argument, "Clean the inside first, not the outside," came into my head.
Being a Respecter of Persons:
I make no pretense about smoking even when I speak to pastors or other church authorities. To me, if God sees me do it what do I care about the thoughts of man? I've been taught to not be a respecter of persons in this and know that God works in all things for the good of those who love Him. But there is no more use of this and it is only a burden to me now. Part of me is afraid because I've never been to a place of holiness in reality. I don't want to shy back but it is FLESH that I'm dealing with and I'm sure everyone here knows what that means. I just realized this moment that I am breaking my own rule about not being a respecter of persons because I live in an apartment and not my own house anymore. I draw my shades to smoke inside and am fearful that somebody might discover me and get me kicked out of my dwelling place.
Asking for Prayer:
So I'm asking those whom I trust and am getting to know and love here and yes, I'm asking strangers to consider the matter and to lift their hearts in prayer for me about it. God is indeed greater than my heart (which condemns me) and I have grace which is sufficient but I have not heard from Him what was said to Paul when he sought God three times about the thorn in his flesh. I have not heard Him say, "My Grace is Sufficient for thee," but only "You will be happier (if you quit)."
I know that my Paraclete argues for me, "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."
I am able to pray about this and my prayers do not descend back to my breast but it is a personal struggle and I am glad that I am drawn under strong conviction and ask him to continue to purge me with hyssop if that is what is needed, but also to do what-so-ever I need because I want to be like Him, not only for me but also for every saint I meet and know and love.
Please understand that this is no small matter to me and accept my thanks as you join in this my prayer. I suspect that my judgment (which I prize) is effected and I am reasoning exactly opposite what is good and right for me. Saying that I'll stay in the "small" while I defeat the "large" and saying let's clean the inside (the hidden) before the outside (what's seen by men) may seem wise - but shouldn't I rather sweep it all away at once?
I'm thinking that the only way that I can have this defeated is if I come in both the Will and Name of God and with the prayers of the saints. I take it as a simple matter of faith and believe on the word that when we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to cleanse us and purge us from all unrighteousness. I would also like to ask for prayer that I be given the ability to fully pay for any smoke damage that has been caused by my sin and that other things which do not occur to me at the moment (but God knows) will also be taken care of for me by the Grace that I am unwilling to put toward emptiness. The "other thing that might not occur to me would of course include healing the damage that I have inflicted to my lungs and body which Is His Temple. I zealously want this to be a "house of prayer."
Departing, I shall depart.
~Sparrowhawke