Parents or grandparents?

[LaMexicana]

Recently my daughter (she's 4) met her dad and they fell in love with each other. He has never been involved in her life but after spending time with her, he wants to be near us. The problem is that he lives in Rhode Island and we live in New Mexico. He's very close to his family there and I'm very close to my family here so for either of us to move would be very painful.

As far as my daughter goes, would it be better to stay here with the life she knows or be near her father who she needs in her life? Honestly, I'm willing to get up and go be near him and his family I just have to think about what is best for her, I just don't know what that is.

 

[PrimeRoot]

Family vs Breed

Recently my daughter (she's 4) met her dad
and they fell in love with each other...
would it be better to stay here ...
or be near her father who she needs in her life?

Great to see your interest.

I can only offer my perspective looking at my own daughter.

I "chased" my kids and their mom and her bf's
from town to town for years,
always having to retain a job to support them,
and thus always a little behind their moves,
mostly never able to catch up.

I barely knew my kids who are now all but grown.
Partly not wanting to interfere in their family "structure",
Ive just made myself available as locally as possible.

My daughter must nearly be an alcoholic at age 20.
My boys have been guided by peers and 'teachers'
as much as their 'gaurdians', least of all by me.

I really think kids need their dad especially
as they get past the really tiny years.
Surrogate dads seem to lack the 'authority' or something.

Anyway, if I knew more,
and if her dad was YOUR only past 'engagement',
I suspect I'd strongly endorse,
not only moving nearer where his work is but,
also considering reconciliation of 'other factors'.

But Im the guy that also endorses
certain circumstances for polygamy,
just not as many circumstances as
the average Western Christians endorse.

Im often reminded of slaves:
Bred, but never for family.
ELSE { end the torture now}

 

[Timf]

Is your daughter's father a Christian? Any chance for a reconciliation?

 

[LaMexicana]

Is your daughter's father a Christian? Any chance for a reconciliation?

He is not though we share family and life morals.

Truth is, I don't know much about him. We only hung out for a brief period in 2003, I got pregnant and he moved away. We've talked through out the years, mostly just fighting over child support. But he has now been supporting us consistently for 2 years or so and seems to have had a huge change of heart since the beginning of the year. I know the bad, cold side of him and that person was no longer there when we visited. He also shares my desire to be closer together for her.

 

[LaMexicana]

And I should mention that I do not hold any anger, bitterness or resentment for the guy. I used to but I believe the Lord gave me peace and a change of heart as well. I was not a good person when I was with him and I've struggled a lot in the past 4 years as well for many reasons. God finally gave me peace about my life around the first of the year and I didn't feel anything but happiness when we were with him.

 

[PrimeRoot]

Run With Patience

...I was not a good person when I was with him...

There is a further thot which may interest you.
I believe (as few western Christians do) that
non-virgins are joined to their former partner(s)
according to 1 Cor 6:16 and Genesis 2:24,
until death. (see Rom 7:2)

Certain physical limitations may apply
if you have had multiple partners,
but especially where a child is involved,
I think you should consider the following scripture.

...the wife should not leave her husband,
(but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried,
or else be reconciled to her husband),,,

...And a woman who has an unbelieving husband,
and he consents to live with her,
she must not send her husband away.

For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife,
... for otherwise your children are unclean,
but now they are holy.

Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave;
... God has called us to peace.

1 Cor. 10-15

See also Malachi 2:15

...this evil in sending me away
is greater than the other
that thou didst unto me.
2 Sam 13:16

 

[Sparkey]

I was not a good person when I was with him and I've struggled a lot in the past 4 years as well for many reasons. God finally gave me peace about my life around the first of the year...

and [he] seems to have had a huge change of heart since the beginning of the year...

Personally, I wouldn't be quick to change things if I were to find myself in your situation, but that's just me. Didn't you indicate that you've only recently found a peaceful place for yourself?

Of course you've brought the subject to heaven in prayer, yes? Best to continue prayerfully before a firm decision is made. Perhaps the Lord will work to influence your ex's choice to move toward his daughter. To me that would be the better way. In any case, I am glad to see evidence that you are guarding yourself against bitterness. This is another good thing that you are doing well for your daughter as well as for yourself.

May the Lord continue to bless you in this,
~Sparrow

PS. Oh, looking at the title of this thread, have you spoken to your family? To his? No need to reply but I like the idea of getting the grandparents involved. Are his parents Christian? They might be able to tell you more about his change of heart. Still, 6 months of "good behavior" verses 6 years of poor? Moving is a pretty big decision, yes?

 

[LaMexicana]

I was not a good person when I was with him and I've struggled a lot in the past 4 years as well for many reasons. God finally gave me peace about my life around the first of the year...

and [he] seems to have had a huge change of heart since the beginning of the year...

Personally, I wouldn't be quick to change things if I were to find myself in your situation, but that's just me. Didn't you indicate that you've only recently found a peaceful place for yourself?

Of course you've brought the subject to heaven in prayer, yes? Best to continue prayerfully before a firm decision is made. Perhaps the Lord will work to influence your ex's choice to move toward his daughter. To me that would be the better way. In any case, I am glad to see evidence that you are guarding yourself against bitterness. This is another good thing that you are doing well for your daughter as well as for yourself.

May the Lord continue to bless you in this,
~Sparrow

PS. Oh, looking at the title of this thread, have you spoken to your family? To his? No need to reply but I like the idea of getting the grandparents involved. Are his parents Christian? They might be able to tell you more about his change of heart. Still, 6 months of "good behavior" verses 6 years of poor? Moving is a pretty big decision, yes?

I haven't really shared it with anyone other than him. I'm really close to my parents and so is my daughter so for us to move away would be very painful. I agree that he should be the one moving closer to us but I don't think he's willing to do so because he is close to his family. No one is Christian other than me and my family and I really don't know where his change of heart stems from.

I guess the thought I had in my head is that we need to be closer no matter what. If it's me moving there or him moving here because my daughter needs her dad. I mean, I've been alone forever and ever and I want him to share the responsibilities of raising this little girl and the only way he's going to make time is if we are near. Right now he calls her once a week and we don't seem to exist the rest of the time, I don't like that.

I think my parents would be sad but at the same time they would be supportive if it was something that came from the Lord. I've mentioned it here and there but it is nothing set in stone.

 

[Sparkey]

No one is Christian other than me and my family ...

I guess the thought I had in my head is that we need to be closer [to her father] no matter what.

Pardon my presumption because you know the situation more and I do, of course, but my thought is that your daughter needs to be close to her Heavenly Father, no matter what.

One man's opinion. Be prayerful. Your parents would be right to be "supportive if it was something that came from the Lord". I'd bet they would be supportive even if the decision came from you only, it is your decision after all. And I'm not unsympathetic - being a single dad since my youngest was not even 3 years old, his older brother was 5. Mom left and I deeply felt the need to find a mom for them. They are 22 and 25 now and looking back has given me a different perspective. I can't tell you how often I felt helpless and unprepared and impotent to perform the task that was given. I can tell you now that I'm aware that God lead me by the heartstrings, the love that I had for my sons.

When I was first saved, my question was, "I know You are all powerful, but how will even you be able to save ME?!?" Was it through my love for them two boys? Where did I learn to turn to Him in all things, great and small?

I can't tell you how often they both tell me now that their time (in their childhood) was the best time of their lives. They say it this way, "I really loved living in Milton" - that's where we lived, but what I know is that they loved living there because of our closeness to God. It was a quiet neighborhood and I still thank the Lord for His hand spread over us for the sake of "our" children.

My prayers are with you,
~Sparrow