I am a firm believer that one of the most challenging things in life is to feel alone in your pain. This has certainly been true in my own life. There were times I desperately wanted to hear someone say, “Same here.” I needed that level of emotional support. About 15 years ago, I got in a bad car accident and was having some residual symptoms weeks later. The doctor recommended a brain and neck MRI, which revealed an incidental finding. “A pattern suggestive of Fahr’s disease,” the report said. The doctor referred me to a neurologist, but in the meantime, he said to me, “There is no cure. Don’t Google it; it will just scare you.”
A week later, it was confirmed, and I was diagnosed with a rare neurological disorder. I was shocked, scared, and cried my eyes out. I remember feeling so alone and not having anyone to talk to or knowing how to talk about it. After that appointment, I just drove around for hours, feeling numb and not knowing what to do with my pain. Something about going through a struggle or difficulty alone can make those experiences feel even worse.
Many adoptive and foster families feel alone and unsupported in their journey. And I’m not just talking about parents, but children too. Before leading Replanted Ministry, I used to work as a trauma therapist for children in foster care. I remember working with one boy who desperately wanted to go home to his birth mother, but she had a substance abuse issue she was struggling to overcome. In counseling, he would cry and wonder, “Does my mom not love me? Why won’t she do what she needs to do to get me back?” He felt alone in his pain and didn’t feel he could talk to his friends at school about his situation.
There is a uniqueness to the adoption and foster care journey that people who haven’t gone through it tend not to understand. Many children have been impacted by trauma. Attachment, which many parents who have biological children take for granted, can be a struggle. Figuring out how to get help for emotional, behavioral, or school problems can be taxing. Navigating how to love and include birth families can be confusing and bring up difficult emotions.
But when you share your struggle with someone, and they respond by saying, “Same here,” it’s like ointment for your wounded soul. As part of our Replanted group training, I ask our leaders to think about a really painful experience they had. Then, I ask them what they needed during that time. The resounding response is “emotional support.” They needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to their experience without judgment or advice, to sit with them in their pain, and pray with them. And I’m sure all of us can relate to that.
If we want to serve adoptive and foster families well as the body of Christ, we need to provide avenues for families to receive emotional support. But what is emotional support, and what does it look like in practice?
When I think of emotional support, the first word that comes to mind for me is grace. Grace involves loving and accepting someone just as they are in whatever circumstances they find themselves. It is fundamental to the Christian faith. Grace is at the core of the Gospel—God doesn’t require us to get our act together before he offers us love. Instead, he reaches out to us and makes the first move—loving and supporting us just as we are. And I believe we are called to do the same for the adoptive and foster families that we serve.
Another key aspect of emotional support involves feeling understood. This is why connecting with someone who has experienced something similar to what you are going through can be so helpful. It is validating to know that someone else has gone through what you are going through and has felt what you are feeling. This can be especially true for children impacted by adoption and foster care. Emotional support is not just for families who are in challenging seasons; it’s for everyone. It can be helpful for children to have peers who know what they are going through too, who have had questions like, “Why won’t my mom get sober to get me back?” or “I wonder who my birth dad is and if he ever thinks of me?”
This is exactly why we started Replanted. At Replanted, our primary mission is to provide emotional support for adoptive and foster families. We don’t want any family to go unsupported. We offer emotional support using two main avenues. First, we host an annual conference for adoptive and foster parents. The goal is to bring families together so they can feel supported and encouraged. The next conference will be held October 24-26, 2024. Parents can attend in-person in Chicago or online via simulcast. Second, we work with churches to set up small group ministries, so adoptive and foster families (both adults and children) can meet with like-minded folks who understand the journey first-hand.
At the heart of our conference and small groups is providing a context where parents and children can have “same here” moments. One of the most powerful parts of our conference is when someone shares a “same here” testimony. A parent will stand up and share some of their story and journey. Often, the story includes some things that can be celebrated but also some really hard and painful things. Each person in the audience has a “same here” paddle. When they connect with something the speaker said, we ask them to hold up their paddle. It’s powerful to look around the room and see a group of people who have been through what you’ve been through or feel what you’re feeling.
As a foster parent, imagine sharing your grief about saying goodbye to two children whom you loved deeply but who were reunified with their parents. You may never see them again, and you are wrecked over it. And then imagine seeing a room full of folks raise their “same here” paddles. It’s an emotional experience to realize you are not alone.
My hope and prayer is that we, the body of Christ, will be committed to providing emotional support to the adoptive and foster families in our communities. Life can be hard sometimes. My hope is that we can be people who are quick to listen, slow to give advice, and abundant in grace. God’s love is so big—I want to continually reflect that love to my neighbors, especially our foster and adoptive families.
The post “Same Here”: Emotional Support for Adoptive and Foster Families appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
A week later, it was confirmed, and I was diagnosed with a rare neurological disorder. I was shocked, scared, and cried my eyes out. I remember feeling so alone and not having anyone to talk to or knowing how to talk about it. After that appointment, I just drove around for hours, feeling numb and not knowing what to do with my pain. Something about going through a struggle or difficulty alone can make those experiences feel even worse.
Foster and Adoptive Families Need Support
Many adoptive and foster families feel alone and unsupported in their journey. And I’m not just talking about parents, but children too. Before leading Replanted Ministry, I used to work as a trauma therapist for children in foster care. I remember working with one boy who desperately wanted to go home to his birth mother, but she had a substance abuse issue she was struggling to overcome. In counseling, he would cry and wonder, “Does my mom not love me? Why won’t she do what she needs to do to get me back?” He felt alone in his pain and didn’t feel he could talk to his friends at school about his situation.
There is a uniqueness to the adoption and foster care journey that people who haven’t gone through it tend not to understand. Many children have been impacted by trauma. Attachment, which many parents who have biological children take for granted, can be a struggle. Figuring out how to get help for emotional, behavioral, or school problems can be taxing. Navigating how to love and include birth families can be confusing and bring up difficult emotions.
But when you share your struggle with someone, and they respond by saying, “Same here,” it’s like ointment for your wounded soul. As part of our Replanted group training, I ask our leaders to think about a really painful experience they had. Then, I ask them what they needed during that time. The resounding response is “emotional support.” They needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to their experience without judgment or advice, to sit with them in their pain, and pray with them. And I’m sure all of us can relate to that.
Providing Emotional Support for Foster and Adoptive Families
If we want to serve adoptive and foster families well as the body of Christ, we need to provide avenues for families to receive emotional support. But what is emotional support, and what does it look like in practice?
Grace
When I think of emotional support, the first word that comes to mind for me is grace. Grace involves loving and accepting someone just as they are in whatever circumstances they find themselves. It is fundamental to the Christian faith. Grace is at the core of the Gospel—God doesn’t require us to get our act together before he offers us love. Instead, he reaches out to us and makes the first move—loving and supporting us just as we are. And I believe we are called to do the same for the adoptive and foster families that we serve.
Feeling Understood
Another key aspect of emotional support involves feeling understood. This is why connecting with someone who has experienced something similar to what you are going through can be so helpful. It is validating to know that someone else has gone through what you are going through and has felt what you are feeling. This can be especially true for children impacted by adoption and foster care. Emotional support is not just for families who are in challenging seasons; it’s for everyone. It can be helpful for children to have peers who know what they are going through too, who have had questions like, “Why won’t my mom get sober to get me back?” or “I wonder who my birth dad is and if he ever thinks of me?”
“Same Here”
This is exactly why we started Replanted. At Replanted, our primary mission is to provide emotional support for adoptive and foster families. We don’t want any family to go unsupported. We offer emotional support using two main avenues. First, we host an annual conference for adoptive and foster parents. The goal is to bring families together so they can feel supported and encouraged. The next conference will be held October 24-26, 2024. Parents can attend in-person in Chicago or online via simulcast. Second, we work with churches to set up small group ministries, so adoptive and foster families (both adults and children) can meet with like-minded folks who understand the journey first-hand.
At the heart of our conference and small groups is providing a context where parents and children can have “same here” moments. One of the most powerful parts of our conference is when someone shares a “same here” testimony. A parent will stand up and share some of their story and journey. Often, the story includes some things that can be celebrated but also some really hard and painful things. Each person in the audience has a “same here” paddle. When they connect with something the speaker said, we ask them to hold up their paddle. It’s powerful to look around the room and see a group of people who have been through what you’ve been through or feel what you’re feeling.
As a foster parent, imagine sharing your grief about saying goodbye to two children whom you loved deeply but who were reunified with their parents. You may never see them again, and you are wrecked over it. And then imagine seeing a room full of folks raise their “same here” paddles. It’s an emotional experience to realize you are not alone.
Let’s Share God’s Love and Give Emotional Support
My hope and prayer is that we, the body of Christ, will be committed to providing emotional support to the adoptive and foster families in our communities. Life can be hard sometimes. My hope is that we can be people who are quick to listen, slow to give advice, and abundant in grace. God’s love is so big—I want to continually reflect that love to my neighbors, especially our foster and adoptive families.
The post “Same Here”: Emotional Support for Adoptive and Foster Families appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...